


Start from Scratch

by Rabentochter



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: ADD/ADHD Tony Stark, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Loki (Marvel), BAMF Tony Stark, Body Modification, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Developing Friendships, Drugs, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explosions, Extremis Tony Stark, Falling In Love, Fights, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Gallows Humor, Groundhog Day, Guilt, Happy Ending, Heroes to Villains, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lies, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, M/M, Marvel 616 References, Mental Health Issues, Mind Reading, Minor Pepper Potts/Natasha Romanov, Morally Ambiguous Character, Murder, Mutual Pining, Pining, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Saving the World, Slow Burn, Suicide, Time Loop, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Nightmares, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Has Trust Issues, Tony Stark Is Not Helping, Tony Stark-centric, Torture, Violence, Warning: Loki (Marvel), Whump, Wordcount: Over 100.000, whump tony stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:42:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 159,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23821750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabentochter/pseuds/Rabentochter
Summary: The last thing Tony remembers is dying atop the Stark Industry’s building after Pepper blew up the arc reactor. The next thing he knows is, that he’s back with the Ten Rings in the cave. And – it all is suspiciously familiar.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Loki/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Ho Yinsen
Comments: 820
Kudos: 1681
Collections: Fics that make my heart go OOF with fluff, FrostIron, Iron Man, Suggested Good Reads, Works worth reading a million times over, Works worth reading again and again





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NamelesslyNightlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/gifts).



> First, I need to warn you that this slowburn is so slow, that I've told myself not to write another slowburn anytime soon.  
> The second warning is to take a look at the tags because I'm not joking about them, it's rated M for the violence :D 
> 
> Then, I have to thank the wonderful and brilliant **NamelesslyNightlock** for throwing this plot at me when I said that I would love to write a Groundhog AU but didn't really have a concrete idea. She's an amazing enabler 👀❤️ ~~It's all her fault~~
> 
> Updates will be on Fridays, it's 13 chapters in total and - they're all about 10K. Just, saying. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy it ❤️

Tony Stark had always known that life wasn’t fair. He knew before he’d started to read the Harry Potter books in his late twenties and got drawn into the world of magic; the battle of the Chosen One against noseless Voldemort, and the constant demand for Butterbeer, and other hilarious outrageous demands. Like, having friends and going through betrayals. Tony liked Harry, how could he not? It was so easy to sympathise with him and reading about him dying – but then to be _alive_ again? It had made his heart soar. Back then it was all Tony needed after the death of his parents, it was a perfect distraction while he tried to do his best as CEO of Stark Industries and Obi lending him a hand or five. There had also been Pepper who made sure he survived, ate more than just cheeseburgers.

It used to be good. And he had fucked it up, hadn’t he?

He had thought he was doing _good_ , that he was finally doing better but –

A dry laugh escaped him. It seemed that a Voldemort could only be redeemed with his death, after all. Ah well, he did hope he would be more of a Harry than a Snape. Alas, it seemed his story would not go that way. That was fine.

He knew he was asking a lot of Pepper but– he held onto the glass ceiling, a grim determination settling in him – it would be better if Obadiah and he went out together. The only hope at this point was that Pepper wasn’t going to hold herself responsible for his death. She could worry about other stuff. Like, that no one was going to hurt her or made her life more. Take care that his Platypus would be doing all right without him. Oh, and that the weapon manufacturing was still put on hold but honestly, he trusted Pepper. She was amazing.

So, yelling at her to just press the button and blowing them up? Surprisingly _easy_.

The arc reactor glowed intensely –

It was blowing up. All he could think for a moment was, ‘ _That looks like it’s straight coming out of a bad science-fiction movie.’_ Then, everything became bright in the dark sky –

He closed his eyes. Accepted his fate.

It was hot, his suit had been _hit_ –

He opened his mouth in a silent scream, the brightness vanished, city lights were all that was left.

The Iron Man suit was heavy. His chest hurt.

_Was Pepper all right?_

The first thing he saw was Obadiah tumbling over the edge, falling into the arc reactor below him and –

 _Fire_.

 _Good riddance_ , he thought numbly, and his limbs felt heavier than ever. Was this how he was going to end? In a _fire_ , of all things?

 _Everything started to hurt_. It was as if his heart got pierced by Dum-e’s claw, with the same clumsiness but far, far deadlier and he wanted to scream –

But all that came out was a gasp, something warm ran over his lips, dripping.

 _Oh no_.

The arc reactor was flickering.

Truth was, Tony didn’t want to die just yet. Despite his brave words in the beginning, he felt like his story had only just begun and it _couldn’t be over yet_.

Everything was silent around him. He didn’t hear the traitorous clacking of stilettos somewhere, there were no voices, only him under a dark sky and his lonesome light that flickered out and, he exhaled with too much blood on his lips, _stayed out_.

Was this poetic justice, he wondered? His payment for his mistakes in the past? A life for thousands of oth–

**Round 1**

He woke with a silent gasp on his lips. It was dark around him, only yellow light was glowing above him. He was still in the cave, the _cave_. His chest hurt. His head was pounding. Coldness spread in him, and he pulled the thin blanket closer around his body, careful as to not to jostle the cables which –

Tony’s eyes widened dramatically.

He was still in the _cave_. He sat up, a hand reaching up to where the auto battery sat in his _chest_.

“Why-“ He shook his head. Something was _wrong_. He thought he had gotten out of the cave?

_“Stark?”_

“Yinsen?” he asked, his voice shaking.

“Yes.”

 _He was alive_. He was alive and – he wasn’t dead, he wasn’t laying in a cave somewhere, dead and buried by stone.

He inhaled shakily. “I had a weird dream.” A quiet confession. It had been so realistic. The heat on his face, the fire around him; the last glimmer of life in Obi’s eyes when he dropped, weighed down by the heavy suit –

Were his dreams always this realistic and he’d just forgotten about them when he was drunk? He smiled without feeling particularly humorous.

“Sometimes dreams can be a warning.” Yinsen’s thin voice broke him from his stupor. “What did you dream about, Stark?”

“My godfather,” Tony started to explain. “That he betrayed me.” His eyes flickered to the nearest camera and lowered his voice to a whisper, so low that Yinsen almost didn’t catch it. “That he put me here.”

Yinsen’s eyes widened.

“The reactor worked though,” Tony continued, his voice rough. “And back home, he tried to kill me and _Pepper.”_

Yinsen had been _dead_ in his dream, he realised. _Dead_. Tony had failed him in this and Yinsen; Yinsen had _wanted_ to die. He swallowed.

“Yinsen-“

“Yes?”

“Do you miss your family a lot?”

A small smile slid on Yinsen’s lips. But it was big enough that Tony saw it and understood. He thought. When his dream was right, then –

“I do, yes.”

“Yinsen.” Tony stared at him until Yinsen looked directly at him. “Can you promise me not to get killed in this endeavour?”

Because out of them, Yinsen was the better man. He was the one who _knew_ what family meant. The driving force that saved Tony, kept him _sane_ and didn’t betray him once. He knew that this wasn’t a simple thing to do. Were Yinsen to tell on him, then the Ten Rings would let him go, most likely. Because betraying the other for something better? Not something unheard of.

Saving your own hide first was what mattered. Then, if you could, then you could look after the others. Tony remembered that lesson vividly when Howard had been fed up with people trying to kidnap him for ransom and put him in a workshop where he learnt how to behave during a kidnapping and, even better, to try successfully to prevent it.

 _Sorry, Dad,_ Tony thought with a trace of mockery, _but they didn’t cover how to get out of a cave in a foreign country when you were abducted by an organised crime ring_. At least he knew how to get successfully out of ropes and could break door locks open with a hair pin or a knife.

Happy had taught him later how to break _bones_ or maim them. Because he was Tony Stark, he wouldn’t be seen running away screamingly like everyone told him to do.

He couldn’t even do that in his dream, apparently. A memory of him setting everything and _everybody_ ablaze here made him grin in contentment. It had felt so good, all the rage he had built up on the inside – letting it out and making it all _burn_ , and he went off with a loud _kaboom_ and he had been _free_ –

Even when he thought for a moment that he was dying. It had been terrifying, but he had gotten away and the explosion must have been so severe – someone saw, _took notice –_

He should have taken a better look at where the cave was, in his dream. He remembered it was close by _Gulmira_ , the village where Yinsen was from but otherwise? He had no idea. In his dream, he’d gotten out of here. This time though - he would take Yinsen with him and then take a closer look at Obi. See for himself what his dream had been about. Maybe it was just his overactive brain, giving him a villain when the other ones had already been defeated. He hoped that this was the case.

He noticed Yinsen hadn’t replied to him.

Sadness washed over him. He could _try_ , he could try to get Yinsen out of here, show him his gratitude for saving him and hooking him up with a car battery. And he would _succeed_ , he promised himself that. Ho Yinsen would not die in this cave, not for as long as Tony Stark had a say in this matter.

“I really miss cheeseburgers.”

Yinsen chuckled quietly. “Then we better get started on the suit so that you can get your cheeseburgers.”

“A man after my heart.” Tony winked at his fellow prisoner, then stood carefully up from his makeshift bed, the car battery safe under his arm. That little fellow would stay a while longer with him. He couldn’t wait to get back home and figure the Iron Man suit out all over again. The plans for it were still in his head. It was like a wonder.

“Super realistic dream,” he muttered, put the battery down and reached for a pair of grasping pliers. “That’s the lack of cheeseburger, I’m sure.”

“Absolutely.” Yinsen opened the MRBM on his side.

Ah, he had forgotten. Tony looked up from his MRBM. “Good morning.”

“Morning, Stark.” Yinsen shook his head with a smile.

It were small moments like this, this small exchange of, ‘Good morning,’ and other banalities like: ‘Please, thank you, you’re welcome,’ and, ‘Do you want a hand, can I help you?’ They helped to remind Tony that there was a world outside where those things were _normal_.

And here?

Here he heard them only when they came from his or Yinsen’s lips, their captors yelled and demanded things in Dari, and they weren’t nice about it. It made Tony wonder and _hope_ that he was a better boss, that he wasn’t as rude to his employees as the Ten Rings were. But he was sure if he ever was bad that either Pepper or Rhodey would slap him and tell him to get down from his high horse. His mouth twitched.

Tony Stark, appreciating the smaller and more banal things in life like exchanging pleasantries on his own. When had that last happened?

He focused on his MRBM. He had later time to think about that more, for now he had to create a fake missile. But at the same time he also worked on his suit.

He knew the movements; he knew the schematics by heart and Yinsen was an exceptionally good workshop partner. Didn’t talk too much unless the situation or atmosphere called for it, Tony held his mouth also shut during working, out of fear their observers could start to think they had too much time and used it rather for talking than working. Not like that Tony _wouldn’t_ rather talk but he preferred to avoid their punishments. One time, in the early days in his captivity, he had talked and _rambled_ because that’s what he did when he was nervous.

And he was nervous, all right? You weren’t captured everyday by a terrorist organisation and put under pressure by them _and_ yourself even more so because you wanted to cheat them out of their weapon and escape from them. Possibly even making them pay for them hurting and abducting you but that was just Tony. He wold not go out quietly.

**~ ∞ ~**

The thing was, Tony had thought he had been doing _good_. This time, they didn’t threaten to burn Yinsen’s tongue when Raza visited them and shooed them into more action with his haughty sneer; his overconfident smirk. He hadn’t taken a closer look at their plans. Only shot into the air as warning. Tony really tried not to laugh out loud because it reminded him of the story Peggy had told him once. Tony wasn’t sure why but comparing Raza to Peggy who’d taken a shot at Rogers’ shield because he’d been flirting with someone else was just– hilarious. Perhaps it simply was what he needed after three months in the cave.

He had done the same thing as in his dream. They’d figured out the weak spot of the cameras and built the suit there, Tony had made the computer faster by cutting data from the memory. Everything was gone but for the program that would run the suit. He kind of wished Jarvis would be here to do the job.

Yinsen had still insisted on “Buying him time,” as he called it, had taken one of the guns laying on the ground and ran forward.

Tony didn’t even have the chance to yell anything after him because Yinsen was already gone. Dread was settling in the pit of his stomach, and if it weren’t for the suit then he wouldn’t be standing anymore. His knees felt weak.

 _Please, let me be wrong about this one. Please_.

His suit got released and Tony walked forwards, as fast as he could with the suit because he couldn’t allow himself to be too late, everything second counted, he couldn’t delay, he had to – he had to find Yinsen and get him to safety.

Fire sprung from his arms and the soldiers screamed when they were flayed alive.

This time, Tony didn’t feel satisfaction or tasted the flavour of victory in his mouth. All he could taste was spit and a sourness that told him nothing good would come from him when he opened his mouth next.

 _Yinsen_.

It felt like he was trying to run through a swamp, it didn’t get forwards. It felt like every step took him a lifetime and some.

Five steps forwards, turn to the right, _shoot_. Three steps forwards, left, twenty forwards.

There was light at the end of the tunnel.

His heart clenched and his breathing stopped for a painful moment when he saw someone laying on the ground –

 _Not again,_ please, _not again_ , Tony pleaded. For the first time in a while, he hoped that _someone_ out there was able to hear him and decided to grant him his wish. It was futile, he knew that because there was nothing and nobody over him, there was no extra-terrestrial being that was looking down on him. There was nobody who judged him, this was just _life_.

“ _Don’t waste your life_ ,” Yinsen whispered before he died in Tony’s arms. _Again._

He felt so _cold_ , so bad, this wasn’t –

Why all this theatre, all this planning when it was for nothing?

 _Don’t waste your life_. It was so easily said and Tony, he swallowed and stood up, leaving Yinsen behind as he walked up to the exit of the cave, he knew that he would try his best to follow this advice, this _plea_. Because if Yinsen died for him, then –

Then he could make sure that he’d follow this sentiment and do his best to follow it.

**~ ∞ ~**

Rhodey saved him from dying of heat in his newfound freedom. Tony couldn’t say he’s ever been _that_ relieved to see his buddy and helicopters from the military before but he –

Rhodey was his _friend_ , he was his _friend_ , he didn’t have bad intentions.

He smelled of cigarettes and his hugs were still the best; they were almost as good as Jarvis’ hugs used to be.

“You’re safe,” Rhodey said repeatedly, his warm hand resting against Tony’s back and –

Despite the terror he felt, the tiredness slowly settling in him as the adrenaline ebbed away and his fingers stopped trembling, he knew he could trust _him._ Because Rhodey was genuinely worried about him, he was _relieved_ to have him back, had actively searched for him –

“Missed you,” he mumbled in the dark green uniform and allowed himself to sag forwards.

Rhodey caught him with ease.

_Home._

“And I need cheeseburgers,” he mumbled when he heard something that sounded suspiciously like someone getting choked up and _honestly_ , they could cry later when they had cheeseburgers and Tony didn’t smell like he was coming from the deepest pits of hell.

“Sure,” Rhodey said and they stood up. “You look awful, do you know that?”

Tony blinked. “Thanks. That’s what a man wants to hear after a sunny holiday in Afghanistan.”

“You know the next time you take a few days off, just go to Malibu and stay in your house, yes?”

“That’s boring.”

“But safer.” Rhodey raised a brow. “When Pepper gives her ‘okay’, maybe I’ll bring a fun-vee.”

Tony chuckled quietly.

“Let’s get you home, yes?”

“Sounds like a great idea.”

Honestly, the insides of a helicopter have never been before looked so _good_. And invitingly.

“What about your heap of scrap?”

“Don’t insult my ‘scrap’.” Tony made quotation marks to that word. “That scrap saved my sorry ass. And to answer your question, I want that back at my home.”

“Sure, buddy. Everything for you.”

Tony buckled up in the hard seat and leant back.

Everything had happened so fast. His heart was beating rapidly, and he pressed a hand against where the reactor sat. Good thing that baby had survived the trip, otherwise –

He didn’t dare to imagine how the “otherwise” might look like. Probably with a lot more blood, a not so beating heart anymore and a slightly colder welcome than the one he got now. Ah and his Platypus would have probably cried over him. A real Romeo.

Better not. He liked the image of Rhodey alive better than him dead.

**~ ∞ ~**

_“Tones?”_

Someone shook his shoulder gently. “Tony? Man, I need you to wake up for a bit. We’re at the base.”

“Already?” he mumbled and blinked slowly awake.

“Yeah.”

Rhodey sat crouched before him. “You fell asleep within minutes on the flight.”

“I need my beauty sleep.” Tony blinked again, then unbuckled with slow movements. “Shit.”

“Did you sleep well at least?”

He stood up. “Can’t remember.”

“Do you want to shower-“

 _Shower_. Tony shivered.

No, no – he did _not_ want to shower, thank you very much. Just thinking of water running down over him, the cold wetness on his face and he couldn’t get air anymore. Water was filling his airways and he was _drowning_ , drowning and there was no way out –

He would die here, and they didn’t care, not with the way they were holding him under water and he –

He had to _fight –_ even with his bound hands there should be a way and they pressed him deeper and held him down, and even more down –

“Tony. Hey, hey, Tony.”

“Don’t-“ he bit out when he felt a hand on his shoulder – “Don’t touch me-“

The hand withdrew. “I’m not touching you.”

He nodded. Yes, he could feel that. No touch. Not any longer. He was safe, wasn’t he?

Why was he here? _Where_ was he?

“You’re at a base of the military, Tony. We just got you from the desert. You are safe here. You’re with me, Rhodey. Your Platypus. There is no water here, not even close. Can you understand me?”

“Yes.” He took a deep breath. “I do.” Again. “I’m all right.”

Rhodey looked unconvinced. “Sure.” He held a hand out. “Do you want to go to the restrooms and get some of the blood of your face there? A jet should be here soon that will take us both back home, does that sound good?”

“Must be the best thing I’ve heard in ages.” Tony took the offered hand with ease, gripped it tightly and then walked forwards with Rhodey.

What was just a small freak out in the middle of a military base, right?

He couldn’t wait for the jet to arrive.

**~ ∞ ~**

One of the first things he saw when he finally had good American soil under his feet again was that Pepper was _crying_. His tough and strong Pepper, crying. At the airport, no less. _In public_.

“Tears for your long missed boss?” he joked because he didn’t like seeing people cry.

He didn’t know what to do in those situations and he had the tendency to make the situation even worse.

 _Obi_. He wasn’t here yet.

“Pepper,” he said in a low tone because it needed to get out and if not now, when then?

“Tony?”

“I need your phone.”

Because he couldn’t tell her just _yet_ what he was suspecting. Obi was approaching too quickly.

“Did you get the video?” he asked her in a hurried pace.

“What video?”

 _She got no video_. A cold fist settled around his throat.

“The one I sent you on the flight to Afghanistan. It was about cats.”

She blinked. “Tony, are you all right?”

“I just didn’t want to see you cry. Mission accomplished, I’d say.”

Her laugh sounded sweet in his ears and welcome. It was a nice change from all the darkness and the harsh reality he had been forced to face the last few months.

And it seemed as if it wasn’t just over yet. There had been a video, he was sure of that. He remembered the red blinking of the camera, the muzzles of guns far too close to his face for his liking and –

No, something must have happened to stop the video from getting to Pepper, Rhodey, and JARVIS. And he had the dawning realisation that he knew _what_ had happened to it. Or should he better say, _who_?

“You did,” she laughed, and it didn’t sound as wet as it did earlier.

 _Good_. He pulled her into a hug.

“I need a press conference.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Don’t react, but the Ten Rings made it clear that there’s a mole in the company.”

“All right, I can arrange a press conference. But shouldn’t you go to a hospital first?” She pulled back, looking him into the eyes worriedly.

“Later. This is more important than me, Peps.”

She nodded.

Then Obi approached him and –

It was so difficult not to flinch when a heavy pawn landed on his shoulder and squeezed it.

 _He could be the traitor,_ Tony reminded himself with bitterness. _He_ was _the traitor in the dream_. Normally, he wasn’t superstitious but – the dream had been right with Yinsen, with the weak spot of the camera, who said it also wasn’t the case with Obi? And that the video – he knew they had recorded one – had never reached Pepper who was _his_ private assistant. It should have.

He greeted Obi with a smile, cracked a joke to keep up pretences and ate the burger Happy had gotten for him. Seeing Happy, Rhodey, _and_ Pepper at the same time, it was just too good to be true. And it helped to drive the point home that he _was safe_. They wouldn’t hurt him. He hoped. Nothing was safe yet. JARVIS was informed of Tony’s plans concerning the weapon manufacturing and bought more stocks of SI, making Tony more powerful in his stand – he couldn’t risk being banned from the board. And he warned him in the same moment of a possible mole and told him to take a closer look at Obi’s files.

The conference was _fun_ , in a certain way. Announcing that SI would shut down the weapon manufacturing and promising to turn towards green energy was received with many shocked reactions and Everheart was certainly looking at him with lots of doubt. Ah well, she’d start to believe him soon.

Was it a mistake to rely that strongly on a dream?

Happy drove him home, Rhodey and Pepper staring at him in a shocked silence. Nonetheless Tony knew he’d done the right thing. He would _not_ repeat his past mistakes, he was better than that.

“A mole?” Pepper said as soon as they were back in his mansion.

“Yes.” Tony dropped into his couch with a sigh. “A mole.”

Rhodey shot up. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“I had different things on my mind, Platypus.” He attempted a smile. “This is not allowed to leave the room, do you understand? There’s a ploy at work and I already told JARVIS to look at files that could help us out.”

“Tony,” Pepper began slowly. “Are you sure there’s a mole in the company?”

“Not only a mole,” Tony said, “but also a traitor.” He arched his brows. “While I was with the Ten Rings, I got to see weapons from Stark Industries. _My_ weapons in the hands of the enemy. Someone’s been selling them under the hand.”

It took them only a second. “Obi.”

“Exactly. Why do you think he isn’t here, despite his expressed wish at seeing me and making sure I’m doing all right?” Exhaustion was running through his veins. Today had been an extremely busy day. “JARVIS, did you find something?”

 _“I did, Sir._ ” The AI sounded angry.

“Show it to daddy,” Tony mumbled.

And with that he saw the video he was starring in as the sexy male lead and bile rose in him.

“ _Tony–“_

“Yeah, I know the make-up isn’t all that pretty in the video but I had other things on my mind.”

“The military has never received that video,” Rhodey stated and he sounded like Tony felt; Lost and betrayed. No wonder, actually. He only looked horrible, but it could be worse.

“Neither has Stark Industries.” Pepper looked pale.

Tony had this urge to tell her everything was all right but – he couldn’t. Because it wasn’t, not _yet_. “Did you find more, buddy?”

JARVIS showed them files with bills that had never landed in Stark Industries’ folders. There were accountings of weapons sold Tony hadn’t authorised: Patriot PAC-4, multiple kinds of SI’s Launch MRBM systems, special forged and created Combat Uniforms – some of them brand new and not even authorised yet to be sold, Modular Tactical Vests. Seven months ago, there was a sale of a M151 spotting scope – wonder _why_.

“That doesn’t look good.” Rhodey blinked.

“I took the XMGM-287 off the market over a year ago.” Pepper stared coldly at the bill floating in front of her. “And we haven’t sold officially UMP45s in a while either.”

“That’s what I was thinking too.” Tony closed his eyes. “And I haven’t officiated the sale either. We know what that means, Pepper.”

She nodded, her face set in stone. “We have enough proof to get with that to the board and exclude him from there. The FBI and CIA are also probably interested in this.”

“Don’t forget about the military,” Rhodey said slowly. “It would be useful to know to where the weapons have been sent so we can counteract.” He looked to Tony. “And you’re-“

“I won’t make new weapons, Rhodey. I _won’t_. Not even for you. This, this cost me _too much_. And I was too careless. No,” he shook his head. “There will be other ways SI can help the military but not any longer with weapons.”

In his dream _this_ hadn’t happened. In his dream Rhodey had left after the weapon conference and Tony had to come to terms with the fact that his decision had angered his best friend. He understood, on a certain level. But this time he had made sure that Happy wouldn’t let Rhodey leave like that and get him in the car. Obi hadn’t even gotten the chance to speak at the podium after JARVIS had helpfully turned the micro off. A _disaster_ , Tony was sure. His mouth twitched. Then, he yawned.

“God, Tony. You must be tired.” Pepper looked at him with wide eyes. “I’m sorry we shouldn’t have kept you awake. You just arrived.” She sounded sorry.

“I slept on the plane.” He waved her off. “But bit more sleep and rest would be nice yes.”

She nodded. “Yes. I’ll take control of this, we see you tomorrow?”

 _Alone_. He would be alone in the house. “I-“ He didn’t want to be alone, he realised. He didn’t want to be alone in this great house where the only companion he had was JARVIS and nobody else. Maybe this was wrong. Shouldn’t he want after three months in the cave some solitude and peace from others? But the thought of being alone for himself and nobody close by, it didn’t sit well with him.

“Can you stay?” he asked quietly. Shame rose in him. He was Tony Stark; he could be _alone_ –

“I can stay.” Pepper sounded gentle. “No problem, Tony. Rhodey?”

“Sure. But Tony, you really should try and get more sleep than the two hours on the plane, yes? You won’t be able to catch _the mole_ when you’re not well rested. All right?”

“Yes, mom.”

**~ ∞ ~**

He slept for whole four hours, then woke up and went into his workshop and created his miniature arc reactor. When it was done he stared at his small blue miracle. It looked as pretty as he remembered it. And he had _remembered correctly_ from his dream. Somehow this wasn’t normal, Tony guessed with a bitter smirk on his lips. Nobody should be able to remember that much from a single dream that had been _months_ ago. And still, everything was in his head, he even could still remember the moment Obi tried to get the arc reactor from his chest and called him his “golden goose”. It was horrible.

And now, now it seemed that his dream had been right about Obi. His godfather, his _mentor_ after Jarvis had died and left him here. It wasn’t –

What had he done to deserve such betrayal?

It cut him deep to the core, his trust and faith in the man disappearing quicker than a MRBM could be launched. No way this was fair. _Wasn’t it?_ A small voice in his head asked. _Don’t you deserve that for all the things you did to millions of others?_ Maybe. His hands shook and he put the arc reactor down.

“JARVIS?” he asked into the quiet of the workshop, The Band’s ‘The Shape I’m In’ playing barely audible in the background. “Dum-E won’t be able to exchange the reactor in my chest, will he?”

“ _His claw is too big,”_ Jarvis replied. _“I’m sorry, Sir. But I can wake either Mr Rhodes or Mrs Pepper, if you want me to?”_

“No.” Tony shook his head. “Let them sleep. Who knows how much they need it, right?” He rolled his shoulders back. “I’ll just wait until they’re up and have a coffee in them, yes? Did my pile of ‘scrap’ already arrive?”

“ _It was delivered late at night, Sir. I allowed myself the freedom and let Dum-E and U bring it down here.”_

“Good thinking, J.” Tony nodded in approval. “All right, scan the baby and then we’re getting down to work on a successor until one of the sleepyheads is up.”

It was still a disaster like in his dream when Pepper exchanged the reactors – but well, a bit of going into cardiac arrest hadn’t hurt anybody so far, had it? Then they had a coffee upstairs, Rhodey joined them and looked awake and Tony pretended he had been in a shower. Really, thanks for washcloths and perfumes, it really helped him to appear cleaner than he was and well, he needed to figure out how to wash his hair, he couldn’t use until all eternity dry shampoo. Although it smelled nice.

Then a few agents of the FBI and CIA got invited into his house which, well, _weird_ , got several copies of what JARVIS had dug up and then left with a few friendly words. Obi got arrested within minutes. The military still wasn’t amused about Tony’s decision but they better got used to it. And honestly, if they turned to Hammer Industries’ now, then they really were sore losers. SI’s stock was falling again after the reveal that one of the most powerful hands in the company was a “traitor to the states” and yeah –

It could be better.

But his new suit was getting along nicely, Pepper was working with him _and_ JARVIS to get the stock up again. Tony might have bought a bit more and by that, _accidentally_ kicked one of the board members who hadn’t liked him overly much anyway off board and then the others held their mouths shut.

It was fun to see people listening to him when he had to pull out his big guns, for a change.

He went to Gulmira as soon as the suit was completed, helped the people out and thought of Yinsen. _Is this what you wanted?_ He didn’t know but he hoped that he was living up to Yinsen’s expectations nicely.

What he had forgotten about was this noisy agency called “Supreme Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division”, short, SHIELD. Like okay, they thought they were important but Tony just _forgot_ about them and honestly, he didn’t like that. It was never a good idea to forget an agency that considered itself as more important than it actually was.

They told him to keep “Iron Man” a secret, and he politely told them “No” by announcing on the press conference about the Iron Man suit which was affiliated with SI already that he was Iron Man.

Pepper rolled her eyes at him, a gentle smile on her lips. The SHIELD agent looked like he was going to explode on Tony later; but hey, he had sect and champagne and his friends, what did a small agency matter to that?

He went to bed slightly tipsy, the new arc reactor resting peacefully in his chest and this time, this time nobody had tried to remove it. He had done _better_ than thought. Obi would face a lifelong sentence in jail, his lawyers had ensured him of that, and the PR marketing was already making sure that SI would soon shine again in a better light. Well, Tony did that part by being Iron Man and privatising World Peace. Was he a bit full of himself?

Maybe a bit but to be honest, he was allowed to. He was a _superhero._

He fell asleep.

**The Infamous Round 2**

The air was cold when he woke up.

 _Weird_. _Malibu wasn’t cold around this time of the year, was it?_ Well, not in his experience and he lived there for a while now. The day he chose to pursue the house laid already like, eight years in the past. Birthday present to himself for reaching the wonderful thirty years. Not everybody thought he’d ever get _that_ old and wow, he was already closer to the forties than most would’ve better.

Including himself, on some dark days. There were a few of those. When it felt like the house was too big for him, when his phone was silent and JARVIS’ voice coaxed him into getting a shower and then into the workshop and ordered him something to eat because Tony just didn’t have the strength for it. When he invited the mailman inside for a lunch because he needed company, needed a distraction and sometimes the workshop just didn’t cut it. Not even Dum-E’s butchered milkshakes were enough to chase the hollow feeling in him away. Or U wanting to play ‘Fetch’ with him and threw one of his hammers through the air like it wasn’t a tool that could hurt should someone come in at an unfortunate time. But people didn’t enter his workshop just like that.

When he was thinking about it, the air not only felt cold but also felt damp. And his house didn’t smell like someone dumped a huge pile of mushrooms next to his head or stuffed wet socks under his sweater. Because that was how it smelled. Just, disgusting and honestly, was JARVIS trying to cook again for him?

“J,” he mumbled and turned his head a bit away from the pillow so his AI could understand him. “Please take the mushrooms of the oven, yes?”

There was no response.

“Jay?”

Someone else answered. “Stark?”

 _That voice_.

He shot up like he was bitten by a dog, his eyes wide and stared towards the direction the voice had come from.

“You’re not in the States. You’re in Afghanistan.”

 _Afghanistan_. That voice. _Yinsen_.

“Yinsen?” he asked, hoping he was wrong. _Please, please, please, let me be wrong._

“Yes. It’s in the middle of the night, I think. We went to bed a few hours ago.”

It was Yinsen. His thin voice, it was so familiar and it sounded so real. Like this wasn’t a dream.

 _Could dreams smell, though?_ He pinched himself.

His heart started to beat rapidly, _tha-thunk. Tha-thunk, tha-thunk, thunk, thunk._ Pain.

“I’m not in Malibu,” Tony realised slowly, and he stared at the weak light in this room. The smell was stemming from the cave. The cave he’d thought had left a bit ago. “This is not a dream.”

Yinsen sat down next to him on the bed, the weak yellow light reflecting in his eyes that had probably seen too much of the bad side of life. “That’s correct.”

“I thought I had gotten out of here.” Tony licked his lips. Tried not to get overwhelmed by the crushing realisation that _this_ was real, not the dream where he had gotten Obi arrested and had been safe.

 _Strange_. He could still taste the champagne from last night in his mouth. The sweet-sour taste and the small bubbles that prickled on your tongue – it was _too realistic_ to be a dream. And yet, he felt pain.

“Something’s not right.”

Yinsen tilted his head.

“I think I have a major flashback, sorry. Either that or my dreams are able to see into the future now and I can taste and feel pain in them nowadays.”

“Maybe you just need more sleep.” Yinsen sounded worried. “Your mind is starting to play tricks on you, Stark.”

“Is it?” He had done everything right, hadn’t he? Made the Iron Man suit, got out of the cave, Yinsen was still dead but he could _change_ that, couldn’t he? Had gotten Pepper and Rhodey to listen to him, SI had stopped the weapons and he was trying to become better by being Iron Man. _What more could he do?_

The cave was too damp. It was too damp, too close, too tight, he was under pressure, there were things he needed to do –

“I need to get out of here.”

“Yes.” Yinsen patted his shoulder. “Do you want to start now or try to get more sleep?”

“How about now?” They stood up, flicked on the switch, and got more light in their _workshop_ and started to take the MRBMs apart. Again. The movements were memorised in Tony’s mind.

While he was doing his job and thanked Yinsen quietly for helping him and wished him a “Good morning” he thought about the dreams. He had gotten out once before. And died because the arc reactor blew up. Which led him to waking up in the cave – then he died in his bed, after rectifying a lot of his mistakes and getting cuddles from his Platypus and Pepper.

Had he done something wrong?

Was this his personal “Groundhog”? He hoped it wasn’t. But –

He couldn’t exclude the possibility, not after what he’d gone through and had _experienced_. Not when he still remembered the schematics for the miniature arc reactor and knew exactly this time where the cave was located, because he had taken a look at a map from the military before he’d flown to Gulmira.

Okay so, assumed this was _Groundhog_ , then he had to do something better this time.

Right.

There was only one way to test if this was right.

Pepper would kill him if she ever found out. And then bring him back to life just to kill him _again_. Well, he probably deserved it then.

If this was Groundhog, then everything reset with his death – and because he did something wrong. He put the gripping pliers down. The MRBM looked cold in the yellow light. _All right_.

“So in case this goes wrong,” Tony started, “then I’m really, really sorry and I hope you can forgive me in the afterlife.” _And the others too_. Ah well. Worth a try.

“Stark, what are you doing?”

“It’s for science,” he replied easily, then banged at the door. “HEY!”

_“STARK!”_

Ah well. Did you know it was not recommended to let a Tony Stark get close to you? He let the soldiers in, stole one of their handguns and, well, hopefully this would work.

He pulled the trigger.

**Epiphany, The Third.**

_Unbelievable_. He’d just shot himself in the head. And was still alive.

“Hallelujah.”

He sat up with a grin.

“Stark?”

“Yinsen, my friend.” Tony laughed. He was _alive_. “Good morning.” Without any hesitation Tony pinched himself. Yeppers, that hurt. He just pinched himself too hard.

Okay, status. He was _alive_. He remembered waking up yesterday and putting a bullet in his head. Carefully he touched his temple. There was _nothing_. No scar tissue, no trace of dried blood and more importantly, _no hole either_. Well when he was back at Malibu, he should let JARVIS take a look at his brain if there wasn’t a bullet hiding inside of him. But if this was like a true groundhog then there shouldn’t be one. But it was always better to make sure than not. He traced the shape of his ever-growing goatee. Ah well. There was that. He had shaved that back at home. It was back full length.

Probably no bullet in his brain then.

“If we get back to the States, I need you to go with me for a cheeseburger,” Tony declared with a stupid grin on his face. “Really, I need one right now, not just the porridge we get here.”

“A cheeseburger sounds delicious.”

“It does.” Tony sighed. “Okay. Good. Time to get started on the missile, don’t you think?”

“So much vigour.” Yinsen chuckled from his makeshift bed.

“Happens. Let’s say I feel _inspired_.”

This was Loop three, if Tony had counted right. He knew how to get out of the cave, now he only had to make sure Yinsen survived it too. He could experiment a bit. If it failed, he would come back here. For a moment he thought about stealing the handgun again and shooting Raza but honestly – he didn’t know his way around the cave overly well and who knew where Raza was right now?

A snigger fled his lips when he realised it wouldn’t even _matter_ – he could try again without further ado. The possibilities, they were _endless_. Infinite, no stop. Only forward, and faster, trying new ways out until he found the golden equilibrium and then, then he would be done with this looping, dying, and resurrecting. Oh, he could go and take a dive from the roof of his house, couldn’t he? With a sheet wrapped around him and just see if he’d survive. According to his calculations he would when the sheet had a certain expanse. Of course, it was _pure_ coincidence that every sheet in his house fit that criteria.

It wasn’t because JARVIS didn’t trust him one bit, no. His AI was extremely clever and just a little bit of a motherhen.

And that was how he got started on sorting the MRBM out again, took the ring of palladium out and then did his job. The Ten Rings didn’t suspect a thing.

**~ ∞ ~**

For Tony it was like their game of cat and mouse had changed – he wasn’t the mouse any longer but neither was he the cat. He was the _human_. And could take the mouse out _and_ the cat if he wanted to. His name was Tony Stark and he was back in the game.

He’d just needed a small groundhog for this and honestly, when he was back and had gotten Obi into jail, he should ask Pepper and Rhodey to sit down with him on the couch or –

Oh, on the floor was even better. Sit down and cuddle pile on the floor and watch Groundhog and then, when the outro music was playing tell them he was Phil Connors and this was his movie plot. Would be fun, for sure. Tony couldn’t wait for their faces. They’d laugh over him and cackle, but eventually, they’d give in and would start to see he was right.

Five steps forwards, turn to the right, _shoot_. Three steps forwards, left, twenty forwards.

He got out of the cave this time with Yinsen under his arm, he’d placed a small trip hazard close the door and that was what made him get his scientist.

But Yinsen got killed by shards of the suit in the desert. Tony hadn’t noticed. He remembered the frantic shaking and still had the smell of blood in his nose when his life saver was bleeding out, right in front of him, impaled by a sharp titanium alloy back part from his suit.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered as Yinsen’s eyes fluttered shut. “I thought I was saving, not _killing_ you.”

Regret. Burning and intense.

It was what was fuelling him like aerosol in a plane. “I promise I’ll do better in the next loop.”

Because he would _not_ get this riddle solved and Yinsen was still dead. Yinsen _had_ to survive. Was that selfish? Maybe. Was Tony selfish for wanting the man who had saved him, to see him alive and kicking for longer? _Definitely._

But it would be crueller to leave Yinsen to his fate here in the desert where he either would be buried by falling stones when he got killed by Ten Rings or die here because of the suit and the scraps. Why would he let that happen when there was a possibility that Yinsen survived? And Tony hadn’t found that possibility yet, yes and he’d probably needed JARVIS to do the maths for that but he would _find_ it _._

There was always a possibility.

He piled the suit together and carried Yinsen atop it. No way Tony would let him stay here in the desert. Of course he could tell Rhodey that there was a _corpse_ laying in the sand, waiting to be recovered but –

He wouldn’t leave a man behind. That wasn’t who Tony Stark was. He still remembered Aunt Peg when she told him of Captain America who hadn’t left a man behind either, even when it would have been better. But he hadn’t. And Tony, despite all the jealousy he’d harboured for the man, admired that trait. Well, jealousy and anger that Howard had paid closer attention to him than to his own _son_ but that was just what happened when you were ‘just’ Tony, the –

Yeah, he wouldn’t go there.

Rhodey found him around the same time as he did in the first loop, his arms heavy and welcome around Tony. He let out a relieved sigh and cuddled closer to his Platypus. He would stop this loop at the base. Not here, not in front of Rhodey. Even when he wouldn’t remember, there were things Tony chose not to do to his friends. Yinsen, sadly, had to see because there _was no other way_. But that was the only time he had to see Tony dying, he promised himself.

A gun was easily found in the base.

He hoped the cleaning service could forgive him for making such a mess in the restrooms.

**Four.**

Cave.

No hole in his head.

Amazing.

Loops were fantastic. This was his fourth. _Right?_

Right.

Mission for this loop: Getting Yinsen out of the cave and get him to American soil and American cheeseburgers, alive and whole.

Everything was possible.

“Morning, Yinsen.”

“Morning, Stark.”

“Why are you even awake? Isn’t it like, _early_?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Yinsen sounded _awake_. Huh. Did he even go to sleep just yet? Probably not. Bad Yinsen. “You might be familiar with the concept of nightmares?”

Oh. “Yes.” Tony cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. Do you want to- to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Yinsen sighed.

Tony pulled his thin blanket tighter around him. It felt cold, out of sudden.

“The usual nightmares.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Tony swallowed. He felt out of his depth here. Somehow.

“It’s all right.” 

Silence.

“Do you need a distraction?”

“Please.”

“All right.” Tony sat up straight in his bed. “Do you want to hear a story? I promise I know some good ones.”

They didn’t survive the story.

Their observers obviously thought who could talk could also work and somehow, things got out of hand and Tony –

Well, he knew this was it for this loop when blood started to seep from his body and his heart rate started elevating and it was getting black in front of his eyes.

**The Fifth.**

_He couldn’t ask Yinsen about his nightmares_. He wasn’t allowed to. Not when he wanted to get out of here.

So he stayed silent for a few minutes more and then tried an older tactic.

“ _Hallelujah.”_

“Stark?”

 _Same old, same old_.

Ah well, he was starting to get a hang of things, and he was only on his fifth loop. Really, he was doing amazingly, given the circumstances. He just couldn’t offer comfort to Yinsen at night. That sat heavy in his chest when the realisation kicked in and burned itself in his mind. He wasn’t allowed to _help_. Not now, anyways. And maybe it was better not even to try in the first place.

He could ask Yinsen about his nightmares when they were at a different place, one with less weapons, for example. Jarvis would slap him for giving in so easily and Aunt Peg would stare at him from disappointed, big eyes.

But what was he supposed to do? Wasn’t it better to deny comfort _now_ and get out _alive_ and then make it up later? Or was that like putting a band-aid on an open fracture? With a shoddy cast, most likely. If he wanted to get out of here, he had to stay realistic about things. Maybe he could ask Yinsen about his awake state later this day, but honestly, wouldn’t that even be worse? Yinsen would wonder why he hadn’t asked him to begin with and well, what was Tony supposed to say about that then?

There was no possibility he’d answer with, _“No, sorry man. I had a dream where I asked you about you and then, we died maybe an hour later. Good talk, let’s go to the missile now, yes?”_ How would Yinsen look at him then?

Like he’d lost all grip on sanity. Not something either of them needed right now. No.

They went to work. A movement here, a few twists there. Lunch time. Yelling. Same old hat.

Back to work. Sleep.

Wake up, wish Yinsen “Good morning,” getting laundry ready, lunch, work, sleep.

Nothing new.

**~ ∞ ~**

A few days passed.

“Don’t die on me here, Yinsen,” Tony stated bluntly before he pulled down the visor and started to hammer on his helmet.

If Yinsen replied, he didn’t hear it He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it.

Sleep.

Work.

Raza was here.

Dinner.

“Don’t die,” Tony repeated, then closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Waking up and doing the last few touches on his suit.

And slowly, slowly he started to get nervous. His mind ran scenarios he hadn’t _lived_ before and Tony just wanted to forget them. He would get Yinsen out of here.

“Remember what I asked you not to do?” He asked and tried not to look to closely at his tripping hazard. That was his last trick to get Yinsen to stop. If he walked out first and Yinsen walked behind him in a secure distance, everything would be all right. Tony knew that as certain as he knew English and how to prepare Spaghetti Bolognese, a recipe from his mom. And honestly, one of the few things he remembered about her.

Maybe he should also get Spaghetti when he was home again. Cook a huge amount of it for Yinsen, Rhodey, Pepper and Happy. They deserved it, after all. And food always soothed upset stomachs.

Yinsen looked at him for a moment. “I can’t promise you anything, Stark. But,” he hesitated. “I’ll try.”

 _Good_. He mouthed a quiet, “thank you” before he got into the suit and Yinsen locked him in, hoping that it would be enough to get them both out of here.

Again, Tony was stuck to watch how Yinsen started to program that turned the suit alive. This part always made him nervous. Because almost nothing could go wrong here – apart from Yinsen not tripping and by that, dying earlier. Tony hoped that this time everything could go smooth. The earlier he could break free from his circle of dying, waking up, dying, repeat, the better it was. For everybody involved, not just him.

Sleeping in his bed and not having to fear to wake up in the cave again – it sounded almost like a wonder. A dream, so good that it only could be true. There was no other way, this had to succeed.

The idiots stormed the door again and got blown up. Yinsen stayed at the desk.

He _stayed_ right where he was and didn’t try to run away.

There was silence, the angry voices in the background getting slowly louder but there was no need to act _just yet_.

_93 percent._

_94._

_95_.

Yinsen got nervous.

Tony saw it. His hands were clutching the table behind him close and he stared at him and the computer in a hurried pace, his eyes more white than brown, that fast was he looking.

 _96_.

The voices grew louder.

“Get-“

_97._

“-Ready, Stark. We only have this one shot.”

 _No, we have more_ , Tony thought but didn’t say anything. It felt like he was about to vomit. He didn’t want to. But he wanted this to succeed so much that he couldn’t stay calm, his heart was beating, and it would take the hundred percent to get him into a calmer state.

_98._

When he had no choice anymore but to act and his mind settled, a cold peace settling in him.

_99._

Soon, very soon –

 _100_.

And his heart calmed down. He stepped forward, raised his arms, and left the cave. Was he like this Greek hero who went into the underworld to get his dead beloved back and wasn’t allowed to look back? Tony couldn’t allow himself that mistake either – he had to go forward, steadfast and never changing, no looking back. Yinsen was old and grown enough to take care of himself, he knew what kind of weapons Tony had on the suit and could guess where he was safely out of reach.

With a grim satisfaction Tony burned a bunch of soldiers. Who used his weapons like there was nothing wrong with that, a few G36KV here, a couple of G36C here and a few other idiots thought they could try to shoot him SG 552s and get away with it too.

Tony answered with his loyal flamethrowers and the few Rocket Launchers that were built into his suit. Yinsen was still behind him, following him through the chaos.

Five steps forwards, turn to the right, _shoot_. Three steps forwards, left, twenty forwards.

They were getting out of here.

They were _close_.

Tony walked faster in his suit, the metallic sound of each step resonating deep in him, _clonk, clonk. Clonk, clonk._ And in between there was the sound of shoes hitting on sand, so soft, Tony only heard it when nobody was screaming which was rare. But the few seconds where he heard them? It was like bells announcing their freedom and each more flame was an obstacles; less to their goal. There was no stop. Forwards.

_Clonk, clonk._

Was it troublesome that he was that calm during a battle and didn’t feel an ounce of regret for killing so many people again and again? Probably. But he couldn’t start caring about them now. They didn’t care about him either. If they hadn’t realised who he was in the first place, they would have killed him at the fun-vee and been done with it. They might look like humans, but something had made them believe he wasn’t one. Yinsen was a quiet shadow, walking after him in a hasty step, never slowing down. _Good_. He wasn’t supposed to slow down in the first place.

 _Light_.

Tony burned everything that stood in front of him. There would be no survivors.

“Stark.”

He turned around and pulled Yinsen in his arms, then took off, sending a last blast of fire and let it consume every weapon they had taken from him and dared to use against him and others. In less than an hour this camp would be empty and void of life, like it was supposed to be.

Hopefully Yinsen wasn’t getting a sunburn up here.

Then, they were _falling, and falling and –_

**6.**

_No._

No, no, this wasn’t right.

Tony stared into the yellow light. Turned around and screamed into his pillow. They had been so close, so vexingly close! Why –

_The landing._

The landing must have killed him.

No.

Again.

He would go again. And think more about how to get Yinsen out of here alive.

“Hallelujah.”

“Stark?”

 _Same old hat. May the odds ever be in your favour. The cat can’t catch you here._ There was no stop.

Talking. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

It was like learning formulas and equations in mathematics and physics, learned the laws for both subjects and for chemistry too because it could be useful, right? That was what he did. He learned this morning by heart and did the same things again.

And he hoped he’d start to understand how to get out of here before he lost his mind or his brain became too tired from everything. There was only so much of repetitions he could do before he started to lose focus and got fixated on other things which were _new_ and _shiny_ and all that.

Sometimes his brain wasn’t any fun.

The air tasted like wet socks, left, and forgotten in the rain and Tony could swear he could feel the dampness getting into places it shouldn’t.

 _There_. That was it. Exactly that. His brain started to lose focus and shifted it elsewhere.

He told Yinsen again not to die in the same moments – he hoped, it was after a laundry where they accused him of making it brown when it had already _been_ brown. A desperate wish that was enough. It had to be enough. He didn’t want to change things all too much when there was a chance it was enough. Too many variables could be confusing, and he was just a _human_ , not a JARVIS; he was clever and intelligent but there was – even for him – a limit to everything.

They built the miniature arc reactor.

Then the suit.

Nothing new. No changing of plans even when Tony knew by now a way to make it happen faster but – too many cooks spoil the broth, right?

_Five steps forwards, turn to the right, shoot. Three steps forwards, left, twenty forwards._

Yinsen was behind him, his Eurydice – yeah, Tony had finally remembered her name and he was Orpheus. But hopefully he would be doing better.

He crossed his fingers mentally because he couldn’t in the suit.

They took off.

_Please let us survive, let us survive –_

They hit the hot sand.

**~ ∞ ~**

Rhodey ushered them into the helicopter a bit later and Tony didn’t dare to let go of him just yet. Rhodey was holding him tightly, there was this faint feeling of adrenaline slowly leaving Tony’s system.

“Missed you, Platypus.”

“Next time you’re going in my fun-vee.”

“I think I just might.” Tony squeezed him a last time then pulled back. “Rhodey, this is Ho Yinsen. He saved my life in the cave. Yinsen, this is Rhodey, who usually saves my life.”

A smile flitted over Yinsen’s face. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr Rhodey.”

“Oh, nothing with the Mr crap.” Rhodey held his hand out. “Really, you saved Tony’s life, don’t ‘Mr’ me. Call me Rhodey.”

“How long is the flight?” Yinsen required as they buckled up.

“Bit over an hour until we get to the base. A jet is on its way to it and will take Tony back to the States.”

“You’re coming with us, Yinsen?” Tony stifled a yawn.

He nodded.

That was all Tony needed before he could allow himself to fall asleep. He had gotten Yinsen _out_. They were both alive and _out of the cave_. The Ten Rings couldn’t hurt them here. Now he just had to take care of Obi again – which was easier because he knew _how_.

The question only was if something would change because this time he had Yinsen with him. But he’d saved Tony’s life so he doubted it.

Could it really be that easy?

At the base he went to the restroom – this time without a gun hidden in his rag clothes – and tried to clean his face. It was _just water_. It was stupid to look at the sparkling running fluid coming from the tap and think it would hurt him. _Slow steps_ , he reminded himself. It was all about slow steps.

He wetted his hands and first washed the grime off them. There were traces of motor oil slowly disappearing. Then, face.

_Close your eyes and hope for the best, Tony._

He splashed a bit of it in his face.

 _Cold_.

 _Wet_.

Waterdrops were running down his face. He could breathe. He took a step back. There was nobody stopping him from taking a step back and running away from the water. _Breathe_. This was not in the cave. Face wash was easy. _It’s a small step for me but a bigger one for the rest of my life_ , he thought almost cynical. Slowly he started to clean the rest of his face, rubbed the smudges away until he looked as pristine again as he left. It was a lie, he knew. His hair was still looking oily from the sweat that had started to set and dry under the helmet; as of now he wasn’t brave enough yet to go and wash his hair. He knew there was going to be dry shampoo in the jet.

Yinsen and Rhodey were waiting for him when he emerged from the restrooms in the hallway.

“You’re sending my pile of ‘scrap’ to my home?” He asked Rhodey to avoid an awkward silence and an uncomfortable silence.

“I did, yes. JARVIS says he’s looking forward to seeing you again.”

“Awww.” Tony laughed quietly. “Good. The jet-?”

“Should be here in a bit,” Rhodey replied. “Do you want to eat something or go to a medical check-up first?”

Yinsen’s eyes flitted to him. There was an unspoken question in his eyes.

 _Right_ , _the arc reactor sitting in his chest_.

“I’ll let a doc at home have a look at us.” Tony’s stomach grumbled. “And I think my friend agrees with me here.”

“He really does.” Rhodey laughed.

Turned out the food in his jet was better than the one at the base. Not, that it was bad food, per se but the porridge at the base wasn’t the best. And _someone_ said they’d mostly gotten porridge in the cave and nobody wanted to upset their stomachs, so, porridge it was.

Tony indulged himself with some nuts he found in the minibar. _Delicious_. The salty taste of nuts, the sweetness when he bit on them again and the earthly flavour mingling with it. It was almost as good as Jarvis’ cooking, just _perfect_ , and on the borderline of it being _too much._ But Tony didn’t care. Food. Food and from that, what he wanted. No regulations, no restrictions, no _set times_.

This was what freedom tasted like and Tony couldn’t get enough of it. He found a box of instant coffee and where he’d normally scoffed at the blasphemy of pre-made and pulverised coffee – there was nothing that could top a mug with freshly brewed and pressed coffee – now Tony was more than thankful for it. The air was filled with the typical aroma of coffee and Tony felt more at ease.

 _Coffee_. He needed and wanted more of it. But, for the time being he carried the three mugs back to Yinsen and Rhodey who were talking quietly about something but stopped when he approached them. _Traitors._

“You’ve got coffee on board?” Rhodey arched a brow.

“Yep.” Tony grinned and flapped down in the seat. “Coffee is always aboard. I just don’t drink it on the flight usually because then I want to go to work.”

“Which you can’t on the plane.”

“Obviously.” Tony closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of his coffee. It was _perfect_. Coffee for the Tony and the world was in balance yet again. It was a simple matter but coffee had always been what made him feel better; made him feel _awake_ , and therefore, alive and well. Well, of course he got _some_ sort of coffee in the cave but it had been mostly tea and really, Tony was happy if he’d never had to taste that brew again. What did it matter to him that it was ‘healthy’, huh? He never had liked tea before why should he start now?

**~ ∞ ~**

Pepper was at the airport and waiting for him. Same words, same reaction. Happy had brought cheeseburgers.

Same press conference, Everheart was still or was it again? sitting on the same chair and stared at him with a morbid curiosity he didn’t like. Obi was close by. Cheeseburger. A heartfelt bite. He thanked Yinsen first for getting him out of the cave – after all, he had manners. Sat down on the ground and asked the reporters to do the same. And again, they followed his words. _Sometimes_ he liked press conferences.

Shocked reactions when he told them SI would stop manufacturing weapons. JARVIS killed the micro when Obi tried to say something. He got arrested not even twenty-four hours later and this time, Yinsen had even given statements to the agents from the CIA and FBI as to what he’d heard Raza and the others speak about, he had more intel on them than Tony had ever believed to be possible. Ah well.

He started creating his Iron Man suit and Yinsen helped him to exchange the arc reactor. It was nice _not_ to be sent into a cardiac arrest, to be honest. He knew it wasn’t Pepper’s fault and he had asked a lot of her. Not _everybody_ liked to reach into a chest hole and take and exchange things. Not everybody was a mechanic. That was normal. Good thing that Yinsen had calm fingers and yeah –

Yinsen was now definitely on his list of people he could trust with exchanging valuable and sensitive materials and didn’t mind him playing around in his body. Ah. Life was wonderful.

“If you don’t mind,” Yinsen said slowly, “I don’t think I ever want to do this again.”

“Awww, Yinsen. But we’re so close to another and just starting to get more comfortable.” He threw in a wink for good measure.

“Stark.” Yinsen sighed but there a smile on his lips. “I think it’s time you start learning exchanging the arc reactor by yourself, don’t you?”

“That’s true. But why should I when I can have you do it?”

“ _Stark_.”

“You can call me Tony, you know?” Tony tilted his head. “After all, we are friends, aren’t we? And I like my friends to call me by my name.”

“Tony it is, then.”

**~ ∞ ~**

He was in his workshop with Yinsen when the news reported about Gulmira. _Yinsen’s home_.

“I think the suit is ready for a test drive, isn’t it?” Tony looked at his friend who nodded slowly. His eyes were blown wide and he was staring at the screen like his life depended on it. _No surprise_. Tony pondered in the back of his mind how many of the people in the village Yinsen knew – and if any of them had been in the short reportage right now. There hadn’t been many things he could do for Yinsen as a show of his gratitude, right now he was staying at a hotel nearby – because he didn’t want to stay at Tony’s, which, well, _fair_ – and came by every so often because –

Because Tony needed him. He was his friend and they were _supposed_ to stay close together, on orders of the Central Intelligence because of a possible threat coming from the Ten Rings and Obadiah’s leftover but crumbling kingdom. Ah well. There were worse things that could happen. Like this.

“Jay, can you take care of Yinsen while I’m gone?”

“I don’t need a caretaker, Tony,” Yinsen admonished him softly.

“He’s not a caretaker,” Tony replied quickly. “He’s just here to make sure you get everything you want and need while I’m gone for a short business trip.”

He got a disbelieving snort. Well, nobody could say he hadn’t tried, right?

A few minutes later he took off in the sky and flew towards the country he had left just some days ago – _Afghanistan_.

It was funny that the Ten Rings thought they could just go and harass the people from Yinsen’s village like there wouldn’t be any sort retaliation from Tony – or Yinsen because he _was with Tony_. Or were they simply as stupid as that? Maybe. Who knew with them. They had captured him too, knowing who he was and well –

They only needed to take a close look at how good things had gone out for the ones who were in the cave at the time of the break-out, right?

_Were they honestly –_

Yes, there was smoke coming from the mountain. _They were threatening children_.

He landed without a sound, and as soon as the shooting started, he kicked the first dude in the stomach, shot the next few ones with his repulsors. The ‘pew’ sound resonated warm in his ears, and _honestly_ , did they think he was outpowered because they were holding guns now at the heads of civilians? He bared his teeth, knowing nobody could see it but it helped with the rage that was building up inside of him.

 _But let them think they got you_. He lowered his arms, the repulsors went quiet and he used his automatic targeting system to get the bastards with his launchers. It was a moment of pure poetic when they fell to the ground quietly and didn’t even twitch a last time. A kid ran to his dad. Bless.

“ _Sir, the house to your left.”_

“Someone in there?” He thought about doing a “knock knock” joke but then decided to simple push his arm through the wall and pull the bastard out.

 _“He’s all yours.”_

Poetic Justice and all that. And while Tony recognised him – he had gotten part of his revenge already and he figured, the villagers deserved some as well.

He’d just targeted one of his Jericho Missiles Obi had sold and was about –

He fell from the sky within seconds.

Shot down like a bird. _Not nice_. With gritted teeth he stood up, stepped aside the missile shot at him and riposted the friendly greeting with one of his rocket launchers. American hospitality. And _then_ , finally, he took out the Jericho Missiles.

Well, the flight back was how Rhodey found out about Iron Man – he wasn’t _all too_ happy about it but Tony could forgive him.

Yinsen was elated that his village was safe.

**~ ∞ ~**

A few days later Tony took out more nests from the Ten Rings and hoped it was enough. JARVIS couldn’t find any more locations and Yinsen didn’t have any more intel.

There was a press conference – asked to be held by a few journalists and Pepper had agreed – and well. Tony tilted his head as some geniuses flat out told him he was Iron Man. There was no imposing speech, no nothing. And he simply confirmed the truth by declaring, _“I am Iron Man.”_

**~ ∞ ~**

_Again._ Tony stared at the man who stood in his living room like he had any right to do so. _Again, he’d forgotten about SHIELD_. Because who else could it be? The CIA had more style than to send a man clad in an overexaggerated leather coat into his house. Well, there also was the fact that Pepper had mentioned SHIELD a lot over the span of the last few days, ever since the press conference.

But Tony hadn’t paid a lot of mind to it, he was concerned with building a newer and _better_ suit – there was always room for improvement – and if he had gotten out of the Groundhog circle. This loop had lasted already a bit longer than the previous ones. Tony wouldn’t complain if this was over already. What was supposed to be wrong still? He was alive and out, the Ten Rings were defeated and the few who were left over had crawled back into the holes they were supposed not to have left in the first place. And, most importantly, Yinsen was _aliv_ e. He had done everything correct, hadn’t he?

“You think you’re the only superhero in the world, Mr Stark? You’ve become part of a bigger universe. You just don’t know it yet.”

 _Ah, sweet_. “Who the hell are you?”

“Nick Fury. Director of SHIELD.”

He’d called it. He’d freaking called it.

“I’m here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.”

“Sorry, the what?” Tony’s mouth twitched. “I didn’t know there was something to avenge, Mad-Eye. Are you sure you’re not a bit late for that anyway?”

“What if I tell you it has only just begun, _Iron Man_?”

“Is that a threat?” Tony went to the kitchen. “Because let me tell you, I neither like people breaking into my house and butchering with JARVIS’ code – buddy, remind me to take a look at the security breach, yes? Nor do I like it when those people who break into _my house_ , think they can get away with it too and then have the gall to threaten me. You know what happened with Mad-Eye in the seventh book? No?” Tony took an apple and looked it before looking back up to Fury.

“He died. Many people with eyepatches do. It’s like an omen. _An Omen of death_.” He winked at him.

“Are you threatening me, Stark?”

“No, no.” Tony shook his head. “That was a warning for the sort of people who break-“

“-Into your house, yes, _understood_.” Fury started to sound annoyed.

 _Good_ , Tony thought grimly.

“Is everything a joke to you, Stark?”

“Most things are.”

Fury stared at him from his one eye.

“You were saying?” Tony said, pleasantly before he took a bite from his apple.

“Nothing.” Fury shook his head. He turned on the heel and walked to the front door, his leather coat blowing behind him like a dramatic piece.

Tony wanted one of those as well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Septimus Heap.**

The air smelled cold and wet.

 _No_. _No, this was wrong_.

Fury had been with him last night, SHIELD wanted him for some weird initiative, and he’d been eating an apple. He’d outed himself as Iron Man, Yinsen –

Okay, okay. He took a deep breath. Following protocol. It was not the time to despair just yet and well, if this was another loop then he just had to – well, had to do it again. He knew the steps; he knew what he had to say. He knew how to get Yinsen out of here.

“Hallelujah.”

“Stark?”

That was it. From now on they were following the plan, nothing new was going to happen.

 _Everything had been fine until Fury showed up_. What did that mean? Should he take a closer look at SHIELD? Try to cooperate with them? He licked his lips as he took the palladium core out of his MRBM. The arc reactor was the next thing.

Raza.

Laundry day.

The suit.

He could do this. Just a few more months then he could get out of here.

Drinking abhorrent tea and eating porridge that tasted like warmed over five times.

Rhodey and Pepper were looking for him right now. Just a bit longer and he could see them again.

Somehow that knowledge didn’t make it easier.

Would he stop caring about the cave eventually?

The sight of the soldiers carrying his weapons only irritated him at this point. And it was just what, the seventh loop? How was this fair?

 _Escape_. The usual steps. The usual fires, the still burning feeling of revenge getting its job done and Yinsen in his arms, _flight_ , the cave was giving in behind them.

Rhodey.

Base.

Water in his face.

It still wasn’t any fun. Cold and wet and – _it’s just water, Tony_. _Get a grip on yourself._

 _Oh_. He should ask Jarvis to remind him to build the shower so that the water wasn’t raining down on him from above, but from the side. Maybe that would help him. He for sure hoped it would. _As soon as I’m back_.

Right, where was he? Yinsen and Rhodey would be waiting outside, flight, coffee, dry shampoo and getting in a new suit. And _sunglasses_. He felt vulnerable without them. Especially when he was to face Obi. Wasn’t it fun that so far he had managed to get Obi into shackles but not behind bars yet?

He had yet to see a trial. Not that Tony was thinking he would lose – even when Obi had the money to pay some devilish lawyers but the ones from SI were one of the best. And they didn’t take betrayal on the light shoulder. None of the SI employees did. Something Tony was grateful for but hey – that sort of loyalty happened when you _did_ show people some decency and there was a reason as to why SI was one of the most sought-after industries, wasn’t it.

“I’ll let a doctor at home have a look at us.” Cue for Tony’s stomach to grumble and complain loudly which it did. “And I think my friend agrees with me here.”

Predictable stomach grumbling. One should make an app for that. “Stark Stomach” or something like that. Good name. Bit preposterous but if the name sounded good, every bet was off. They’d have to test it with an audience first, of course. But “Stark Stomach”, hell yeah. Maybe it could –

 _Oh_ , it could analyse people’s food patterns and help them with getting a new diet plan or remind them to get food on time. He remembered the stupidity of some of his MIT colleagues who were _too busy_ with their tasks that they forgot to eat. Or were so deep into this pattern already from high school and the pressure there that they couldn’t get out of it anymore without help from the outside. And well, for super geniuses like him who just got so lost in their tasks they forgot time.

People in offices, reminding them and their _managers_ that it was time to go and eat. Stark Stomach’s would revolutionise the world. He had a sudden craving for a spinach smoothie.

He needed to get a pencil. And a piece of paper. Or Rhodey’s phone. Either of these things worked. Also, maybe he should take SHIELD seriously this time. The decision had fallen, Rhodey’s phone it was. He could program the app and in the same time, do a background check on SHIELD. Who knew what corpses they were hiding in the cellar. Every agency, no matter how good they claimed to be, had some skeletons they’d rather not have see the sunlight. And Tony was done with trusting people just like that.

He just had to look back at what he had lived through to see what came out of that. _But how should he have known that Obadiah was one of them?_ Bile, warm and aggressive, rose in him. _His own fucking godfather_. Cruel. Simply cruel. And he had trusted him with so many things –

Since when had Obi planned to have him killed? Since Howard died? Or even before that? When Tony took over his _own_ company? Had it been then? The not-knowing drove him slow but surely mad.

It was like getting bitten by a mosquito and you didn’t feel it for a while. Then, an itching started, and it spread inside of your body and you got a bit irritated at the desire to scratch yourself raw just so it _got away_ but – 

It was still there, in you, lurking, unnoticed. And you went on with your life, oblivious to the bacteria inside of you. Depending on what kind of mosquito it was, the harder the backlash of your own carelessness would be. And Obi?

He was the ugliest, most dangerous mosquito that could be. A flyswatter would be too nice to use on him. Tony just wanted him _gone_ from his life, away from him and the people he considered as his family and could trust on _not_ to betray him. It was a punch in the face to learn he’d been wrong about Obi. Should he have expected it? Had there been signs and he only hadn’t seen them?

But _no_ – if that was the case then either Rhodey or really, _Pepper_ would have warned him. Pepper was one of the few people he could trust with his life. _Already had_ , even. When she was exchanging the reactors and well, almost killed him but that had been with good intentions. Was he slightly hang up on that fact? _Yep_. HE should teach her this time how to exchange the reactor on a dummy, just in case he couldn’t do it.

 _Planning for emergencies_ , _always good_. Always a step ahead of death and all that.

There was instant coffee on the plane. Rhodey and Yinsen talking on the couch, going silent when he joined them. Good.

Pepper was at the airport.

There were cheeseburgers at the press conference.

Pepper was talking with _someone_ who looked like an agent. But he knew it was neither of the CIA nor the FBI. They’d already debriefed him and Yinsen shortly. Shield? Most likely. JARVIS cut Obi off. Good AI.

“Hey, Agent.” Tony stopped the man before he could leave after telling the world he’d shut down SI’s weapon branch. “Can you stop for a minute?”

The man stopped. Typical agent face. Short. Worn-out, there were already furrows in his skin and he was probably only a few years older than Tony. Short cut hair and sunglasses in his pocket.

“Mr Stark.”

“Yeah, that’s me. I think you wanted to talk with me?”

The man looked at him bewildered like he couldn’t believe what Tony had just said. To be honest, neither could Tony. Him and _willingly_ seeking out an agent from a not yet researched agency? Not cool but he kind of did have to remind himself on the plane he couldn’t just change what he was doing. Who knows how Rhodey and Yinsen would have reacted to that?

“Yes. But your PA told me to make an appointment with –“ he stopped. Started anew. “Yes, I wanted to talk with you about what transpired in Afghanistan. Can we talk-“

Tony pulled up his phone from a pocket on the inside of his suit. “How about we talk tomorrow, at 2pm. My house, 10880 Malibu Point. It’s the big white one on the cliffs, difficult to miss. Does that work for you?”

The agent nodded.

“Awesome.” Tony showed him a grin. “That way I can freshen up a bit and get sleep and food in me, not porridge. Then I see you tomorrow –?” He let the rest of the sentence fade out to make clear what he wanted. The agent’s name. Then he didn’t have to start blindly in his research but could start with agent and continue from there.

“Coulson. Phil Coulson, from the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

Tony whistled. “Long name, huh?”

“Yeah.” Agent chuckled awkwardly. “We’re working on it.”

“Why don’t you guys just call yourself SHIELD, huh?” Tony laughed and clapped agent’s shoulder. “See you tomorrow.”

At least he _hoped_ it would be tomorrow and not in three months.

Happy was waiting with the car already but this time, Obi intercepted him.

“Tony, Tony.” His eyes shone bright and he had to fight the urge to just push him away. He couldn’t, not yet. “My boy. I think you and I need to sit down somewhere and talk about what you just did, don’t you agree? I know that you’re confused and everything’s a bit much from getting back from Afghanistan but-“ he shook his head and tsked loudly.

Tony felt like a scolded boy. He couldn’t help it, it was just – just _instinct._ Obi had been one of his father figures and even when he knew _what_ he had done –

There were things he couldn’t get out of his system. And it’s been what, only been seven loops?

“You can’t just make such big decisions over the head of anybody else. You know that, don’t you? The board won’t like that.”

It was as if his mouth had been duck tapered and he couldn’t open it any more. Obi was _something_ else. A large hand pushed him forward.

“We can still do damage control,” Obi said from behind him. “The board will understand if we tell them you were just tired and you’ve seen such horrors in the cave-“

“I never said anything about a cave, did I?”

“No.” _Click_.

Tony whipped around.

Obi pointed with a gun at him.

 _Oh well_. Looked like it was time for a new loop, huh?

“This was inevitable, I’m sorry, Tony. But that was a very stupid thing from you to do and I’m sorry to do this. But it’s for the greater good. I’m sure you understand. You’re a businessman, after all.”

 _No, Obi_. “I actually don’t,” Tony said and looked Obi in the eyes. “You don’t want to do this.”

“You’ll find that I do.”

A smile.

**Octavian means The Eight. Something along those lines.**

The air tasted cold. Nothing new to be surprised about.

Obi had fucking _shot him_. Murdered him, without any hesitation. _Fucking bastard_. Somehow Tony couldn’t believe it. It was a betrayal, again. Just, a stab in the front this time with an announcement. It didn’t make it any more pleasant though. His heart still ached and burned and hurt and yet, he felt colder than the cave. The blanket above him didn’t matter, it was too thin to reach through him and give him warmth.

Tony Stark simply felt _cold_. There was this lingering taste of the always asked question, ‘Why me?’ which lingered with an acerbic taste that would not leave as simple as it was evoked. Bitterness laid in the nature of all being and learning how to live with it was never pleasant but challenging. And here in the cave? Tony felt like he was drowning in it. It was a long-lasting sting, a metaphorical virus of sourness that dug deeper into his system.

Obi had been the one who stepped in there where Howard couldn’t – had shown him how to take on the company as CEO, had shown him many of the tricks Tony still used in his everyday life and there used to be a time when Tony had sworn himself to be in his older days a mixture of Jarvis and Obadiah. Back then it had sounded like a doubled heaven, a man balanced out in himself and being the kind of person others wanted you to be. _How naïve he had been_. There were no good men, everybody was dark and a villain in the inside. Even in Jarvis, Tony knew that. _Maybe_. Everything felt different, what he’d taken for granted was no more instead –

He almost didn’t want to think about it but he couldn’t bring himself to say a cheerful “Hallelujah,” like he just had the greatest epiphany and everything would turn out to be all right. Eventually, it would. Maybe. Or it wouldn’t. With a slow movement and almost hesitant to a watcher’s eyes he touched his forehead where he had felt the bullet enter. There was nothing. Of course, there wasn’t. It wouldn’t be Groundhog, otherwise. If only it erased the pain from Obadiah’s betrayal from himself as well.

The only reminder he’d always keep with him was the arc reactor. A small smile tugged on his lips and it wasn’t a friendly one. _He wanted to get drunk. Or shoot something_. Just to get a bit of his frustration off and away, it felt like shackles on him and he was drowning in a dark, deep sea and there was no light to show him the surface and all he could do was to accept the inevitability of his chosen fate. He had sealed it long ago, when he stopped caring and practiced his speech in front of a mirror, learnt his smiles and winks by heart, studied the art of flirting and charmed underwear quicker off than others could pull it on in the first place.

Had he ever been innocent or always been a criminal of some sort? The likelihood was big he was born as one. One just had to take a small look at his legacy and everything was clear. It was almost as easy as learning that one plus one was two, only Stabby Man had decided it was four for secrecy purposes. It was similar to taking a gun apart and putting it back together. Learn the parts, understand what they’re here for and you were all good. Worked wonderfully to impress some, and to intimidate others. Tony knew that. He had used it for both purposes more than once and the former sometimes even led to _funnier_ things in his bed.

 _Legacy_.

He couldn’t give in here. It was just _a bullet_. Obadiah had already tried to take his _heart out_ , what was a small, whimsical bullet against that? _Nothing_. Not as grave as the other matter either. Why wasn’t he _used_ to it already? Seven times now he had tasted Obadiah’s betrayal and it didn’t sting any less. But why did it hurt less to see soldiers from the Ten Rings carrying and using his weapons? He knew why, deep inside him. There was no great therapy sitting needed for a plausible explanation.

It was time to get started.

“Hallelujah!” He had started his smiles in front of a mirror, hadn’t he? He could also fake his cheerfulness. It was time to pay Obi back.

“Stark?”

And so, it began anew. Not to Tony’s surprise and not to Yinsen’s either but out of different reasons. For a single moment there was envy in Tony towards Yinsen. That he didn’t have to remember each loop, again and again, there was no reason for him to remember his death over and over and could just start the day like it was a new adventure. He didn’t have new worries placed on his shoulders, not to remember conversations so he could gain what he wanted, either. It was simpler. But also more stressful.

Yinsen didn’t know there was a way where he made it out of the cave alive. He didn’t know yet that there was an ending, resembling a happy one for him. All he knew was that he was trapped in a cave with an eccentric billionaire who was a genius and built weapons for fun and could do laundry, despite other people’s expectations. But Jarvis had taught Tony well. And a man had to know how to do his washing, right?

But Tony refused to stay here for another three months. There had to be a way to speed the process up. Tony _knew_ when the Ten Rings were checking in on them, he knew where they were looking for possible clues that Tony was planning a surprise that might not go out the way they wanted it to. There was an advantage to having lived through this already seven times. _Was it seven?_

They started to work more separated and independent from another when Tony was sure none of the Ten Rings would be looking over his shoulder in the next few minutes and had the arc reactor finished quicker. Yinsen nodded in approval when he saw the small glowing reactor sitting on the table and then carefully put it inside of Tony. Had the situation been under other circumstances, Tony would have made a joke full of insinuations. But there would be a place and time for this and currently neither of them really felt like laughing. Damocles’ sword was hanging over their heads, ready to fall down any second when Tony allowed himself only an infinitesimal misstep. He couldn’t risk it.

The metallic helmet laid warm in his hands and for a moment, as Tony stared into the empty eye-slits, he felt like reciting Hamlet’s soliloquy. Not that he had memorised it or read Hamlet with a particular interest but people _knew,_ ‘To be or not to be’ because it was a classic. And wasn’t it to some parts, relatable to him here? Maybe he should go and audition for Hamlet in one of the acting groups in Malibu. They sure would appreciate it.

**~ ∞ ~**

This time instead of about twelve weeks to get to the exit of the cave, it was only nine weeks. _Should he return to this again_ _he’d be quicker next time_. It was a challenge. And Tony Stark could not resist challenges.

Rhodey arrived a bit earlier this time, who knew why but he still smelled of _Rhodey_ and was warm and would not _kill him_. Tony stayed in his hug longer than it was probably needed or seen as manly but frankly, he couldn’t give any less shit about what others thought about him right now.

“You’re all right?”

Tony nodded in the dark green uniform and kept his eyes closed. He wouldn’t let go, not yet.

“That was a big fire,” Rhodey joked quietly.

A smirk formed on Tony’s lips but it glimmered out all too soon. It wasn’t the time to joke about it, not now. Maybe tomorrow but for now he wanted to cuddle his Platypus and forget what was awaiting him at home.

“C’mon, let’s get you in the helicopter and then home, yes?”

 _Yes_. He stayed closer to Rhodey than it was needed but –

It was warm. It wasn’t the cave. It was a familiar touch and he knew no weapon would be pointed at him in the next few seconds, there would be no ‘ _click’_ that would tell him all he needed and no compassionless look in blue eyes that used to radiate warmth and love. That was found in Rhodey’s warm brown eyes, he saw it in Pepper’s red-rimmed grey-blue ones, in Happy’s and even in Yinsen’s who hadn’t known him for that long yet. Tony knew him better than he knew him, he realised when they buckled up in the helicopter and the loud sound of rotor blades in the air, getting him closer to where he wanted to be but at the same time, _dreaded_ to arrive.

The same words, “ _Tears for your long-missed boss?”_ were uttered but Tony couldn’t really find humour in these words, not as before and was that the moment where he had to accept he was changing? Was that possible? _Did he allow that?_

He wasn’t sure. He wanted to run away when he saw Obadiah’s figure in the entrance doors behind Pepper and in the same moment, to grab Rhodey’s conveniently close handgun and shoot him so that Tony was _free_ of his annoying presence. The same answer as always was given about the video and he took the time to steal Rhodey’s phone in the car and to look up Phil Coulson with the help of JARVIS. He sent an encrypted text to the agency to have one of their men to meet him tomorrow, at 2pm, at 10880 Malibu Point.

Would they wonder how Tony knew about the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division? Yes. Was it fun for Tony though? _Yes_. Would it hopefully prevent them from sending Coulson to the press conference and stop his early death by Obadiah’s hand? Fingers crossed, a Hallelujah atop it and _hell yes_.

He had forgotten how good a cheeseburger could taste. The dry taste of the burger, already cooling off in Tony’s hands. The Cheddar cheese, gold and tender on his tongue, the pickles cold and salty and the beef, _overly well done_. And of course, the ketchup. It was disgusting how good it was. It was a taste of America in his mouth, and he smiled at the reporters and thought, “Cheese.” Then he started his announcement about SI shutting down on the weapon manufacturing.

There was no dark shadow standing by Pepper. Maybe the messages had helped them in their decision not to send a running lackey after him. They’d have more success from the beginning on had they tried to contact _him_ and then reached JARVIS who’d made a date in his calendar. It wasn’t like Tony had overly much to do anyway in the next few days.

This time Tony didn’t stand up when Obadiah climbed up behind him to the podium. Even when it sent chills down his body but he let his eyes stay on the reporters and JARVIS, his dear, sweet JARVIS, cut Obadiah off mid-sentence.

Everybody calmed down. Pepper looked white as a sheet.

Curiosity had always been one of Tony’s Achilles’ heels and this time he proved it to himself again.

“There’s another reason why I decided to shut it down,” Tony said with a voice that was nothing more than a whisper, and it was like someone turned off the juice. All of sudden it was quiet and he could hear his own heart beating, the blood pulsing in his veins. It was _fantastic_.

“There is a mole in Stark Industries. And before you erupt into yells again, let me explain.” He shot them a quick grin. Licked the ketchup from his lips before he continued, “This mole is responsible for my capture in Afghanistan. And for selling my weapons which were designed to protect and aide Americans, sold to the enemy to kill them too. It was cleverly done, a true mastery of a trick and if I hadn’t returned, nobody would have ever noticed. The FBI and CIA are on the case and SI _will_ redirect their focus to other projects. There are other ways to help Americans too and not only with weapons.” He tilted his head. “Let’s start with the country itself first, then we can continue. It does not matter if we erase the bad people on the outside when the bad root remains.”

He stood up.

“More will follow soon. A meeting with the board of SI is being planned but go ahead and try to tear Stark Industries down for changing directions. I promise you, I will be the one who has the last laugh.”

He stood up and held his hand out to Obadiah. Under the peer pressure of over a dozen eyes watching he _had_ to take it. _You don’t like standing on the other side, do you?_ Tony thought with a false cheer, remembering the charity where he had been in Obadiah’s position and had learnt of the betrayal from the man himself.

“You’re fired,” Tony told him, squeezed the fat hand tighter. In a lower tone, he added, “And don’t even try to reach for your gun.”

Did that feel empowering? _Hell yeah, it did_.

It was all about presentation, wasn’t it? And yet, when he stepped into the car, he hid his face in Rhodey’s jumper and pretended for a few moments, that his life wasn’t like it was right now. He deserved it. And Rhodey, despite feeling probably angry at him, pulled him closer and Tony let it happen.

**~ ∞ ~**

“Tony.” Pepper sent him a tired smile in the morning when he slowly woke up and blinked tiredly at her and Rhodey. “Do you want a coffee?”

“I would die for one,” he mumbled and threw the blanket off him. He’d fallen asleep in the midst of research. The last time that had happened had been in MIT. The topic had been boring back then. Now Tony only felt a bone deep tiredness in him he had never known before. He yawned.

“JARVIS made sure Yinsen got the guest room,” Pepper said, pressed a kiss to his cheek then went to the kitchen. “Black, no sugar, right?”

“RIGHT!” he yelled back.

He had just finished his coffee when the FBI called in to tell him that Obadiah had been arrested when he had attempted to set foot in England. The MI5 had been waiting for him. Apparently, they and the MI6 had some _concerns_ they had heard of by a few of their spies in Afghanistan and wanted to clear matters up. Afterwards they would send Obadiah back to America for his trial.

Rhodey told him he and Pepper had worked the night through with JARVIS and secured proof of how and when and where things got sold that weren’t on sale anymore. JARVIS found the video the Ten Rings had made of him in the cave and sent it to the people he thought would find it interesting.

“SI’s lawyers are already preparing the case,” Pepper said gently. “No matter who’s going to defend him, he will not get out of prison in the next forty years. And that’s just for what he did with SI. JARVIS is already on the search for a good lawyer to plead your case.”

“Amazing.” Tony chuckled. “You did a lot of work tonight, didn’t you?”

“Yep. To your lovely snores.” Rhodey sent him a wink. “And JARVIS said we should remind you there’s going to be a visitor at 2pm?”

“Right. One of SHIELD’s agents wanted to talk with me about what happened in Afghanistan.”

Pepper frowned. “Isn’t that what the FBI and CIA did?”

“Not really.” Tony took a sip from his coffee. “It’s about how we escaped from the cave.”

“You were pretty tight lipped about that one,” Rhodey said with arched brows.

“Yeah.” Tony nodded. “The pile of scrap? It’s a suit. And I don’t want you to tell anybody about it, is that understood?” He looked at them sharply. “I mean it. I’m trusting you with this secret.”

“Tony.” Pepper squeezed his hand. “We won’t tell anybody about it.”

It took him a moment to understand he was staring at her. He remembered the first loop – when he had been so afraid for her (and still was) and had felt an inkling of love for her. A dream of them both and being _more_. But when he looked at her now, he saw _Pepper_. And sure, maybe they’d slot perfectly together, would work well together but –

It wasn’t what he felt for her any longer. It wasn’t what he needed right now. Did that sound selfish? He smiled at her and she smiled back, a fierce determination gleaming in her eyes. _No_. Because he needed her as his friend by his side, first and foremost, and she him as well. It was not the time (and especially not in loops) to pursue a relationship. Or it was the perfect time. Who really knew? She was a part of his family and that was what counted. Maybe when this all was over and he had time to settle a few open bills with the Ten Rings and he was more aligned with himself again, could go into a shower without fearing he was shitting in his pants, he’d ask her out for a coffee.

He let go of her wrist.

“Thanks,” he said simply and with that, everything was said for now.

**~ ∞ ~**

Rhodey went looking for him in his workshop when Tony was about to exchange his arc reactor and did it for him. He had steady hands and managed it not to send Tony into a cardiac arrest either. He was the best man, obviously.

“Thanks for being inside of me,” Tony said earnestly.

“I hope my fingers are sufficient for you.” Rhodey winked at him.

And with that the weird atmosphere, a tense beast Tony hadn’t noticed overly because he had been asleep and trapped mentally still in the cave, trapped by a cold air and the sound of guns firing, left and was replaced by a lighter touch with a joyful atmosphere.

He’d missed Rhodey.

The doorbell rang. _What a timing_.

“Thanks,” he said hurriedly, pulled on a jumper then walked upstairs. Pepper, the good soul, had already opened the door.

“Agent Coulson?” Tony greeted the man with a small smile, shook his hand. “Please, come in.”

“Mr Stark.”

 _There we go_. “Right, do you want to skip the whole exchange of pleasantries and cut straight down to business or not?”

Coulson sent him an irritated look. “Sure?”

And that was, Tony thought later, the moment everything went wrong. Because an irritated Coulson? Not fun. Not even being a dick was fun because Coulson just became very neutral, his face a mask and it was almost as horrible as talking to the other agents.

“We want you to build another suit,” was one thing he said. “Become a part of a greater universe,” was another thing. “Stay anonymous to the world as whoever you are in the tinman suit.”

The first part sounded like a barely hidden threat beneath a prompt to build the suit as a weapon for SHIELD to use, the next part made him question SHIELD’s sanity just again and the “Tinman suit” line was downright offending.

When Tony went to bed a few hours later he knew where he would wake up. And it would not be in Malibu.

**The Ninth Doctor. Leather Jacket daddy. The one everybody dismisses. Yes, that one.**

“Hallelujah!”

 _He had been right_.

“Stark?”

Same old, same old.

“Good morning, Yinsen.”

“Good morning.”

It took them 44 days to escape.

45 to get to America, 46 to have Obadiah arrested – this time Tony did not change the press conference. One time was enough. He told JARVIS on day 68 to answer SHIELD’s call and arranged a meeting with SHIELD. This time it would work out. He’d just needed the days in between to go and save Gulmira and have a sleepover (again) with Rhodey and Pepper. They’d drunk chocolate milk like they were kids and Tony wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

Ah right and he’d announced to the world he was Iron Man after getting rid of the Ten Rings, almost entirely.

It was a calm talk, with coffee and biscuits being offered to Fury (a surprise, honestly, Tony hadn’t expected that) and talk about the Avengers Initiative. Tony was a grown businessman, he knew when it was time to change strategic and apparently, he had to go at SHIELD and touch it like one did try to tame a wild beast – carefully because each step could fire backwards and that was _not_ what Tony wanted.

“Iron Man as an Avenger?”

Fury nodded.

“How about-“ Tony didn’t want to _commit_ to anything. Not just yet. He wanted to taste his freedom. “We stay in contact. For now, I think, I’m better off on my own.”

Fury looked at him coldly.

“Don’t think I would not join,” Tony added slowly. “I will, when I feel more like I have left the cave behind and have SI more under my control again. But a team, consisting only out of one man? That’s not how it works.”

He was right and they both knew it. The ire in Fury’s eyes lessened considerably and he looked at Tony with a new light in his eyes.

“The cave’s troubling you, Stark?”

He didn’t reply to that. He did not _know_ Fury, ergo _could not trust him_.

“SHIELD has people specialised on helping others with PTSD,” and maybe Fury meant well but all Tony could see was another opportunity to get him stuck in a different place, have people learn about what moved him on the inside and he _didn’t want it_.

“No.” He didn’t even regret it when he uttered the sentence. “No, I don’t want that.”

It was the pity in Fury’s eyes that made him end the meeting.

He did not _need_ pity.

“Stark,” Fury called after him, “Think about it.”

“I will,” Tony pressed out through gritted teeth and then really _tried_ not to shut the door loudly because that would be rude. Who knew if that didn’t reset the loop again?

**~ ∞ ~**

He continued to be Iron Man, Yinsen was an amazing workshop partner but eventually, he returned to his job after the FBI made clear that there would be no more ‘interviews’ be needed. Then, the trial against Obadiah started and Tony watched emotionless as SI’s lawyers ripped him and his lawyer into shreds. Not that the man wasn’t trying to do his best, no. But SI’s were like beasts – once smelled blood they would not relent until they had their victim in their jaws and _yes_ , Tony was looking forward to seeing Obadiah dangling there like a helpless doll. It deserved him right. Was he vindictive? _Yes_.

SHIELD kept in touch with him, Fury sent an occasional E-Mail with inquiries and really, Tony felt almost touched with how much he was trying to look _good_ in Tony’s books. Tony let him believe he didn’t know anything about the dubious things SHIELD did. It was easier to keep a close eye over friends than over an enemy and who knew if Tony didn’t need the organisation one day? He would not waste this opportunity.

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony was starting to settle in his life again – it has been almost six months since he’d left the cave. Surely the loops were over now? He went through the little list he had in his head, but he was sure he hadn’t missed anything. He had even proposed the Stark Stomach app to the board, and they _loved it_ , for reasons Tony couldn’t fathom to understand but well, that wasn’t his problem, was it?

The StarkExpo was happening in the next few days and _some idiot_ thought Tony should hand over the suit. Really, what were they thinking? No way would Tony hand over _his suit_ to the government and he sure let them know that.

He noticed that his arc reactor wasn’t maybe the best thing to have – there were fine, thin lines wading out from it in black and started to spread over his chest. Not so good. JARVIS was constantly checking on it and monitoring them too. But Palladium wasn’t good for one’s body, it seemed. _Hah_.

It was all a bit of a blur from that moment on. Getting to terms with the fact he was _dying_ when he probably had managed to get out of the loops? It wasn’t how Tony had expected to go. Nobody probably had envisioned he’d die because of a palladium poisoning but it seemed there was no way out. He drank Chlorophyll like there was no tomorrow, didn’t complain _once_ about the disgusting taste. He kept powering through.

But soon he had to realise that he _was_ dying. He was a goner and it seemed everybody noticed something was wrong with him but chose to blame it on his _personality_ , rather than trying to work out what was happening.

His legacy had to continue like he wanted it when he was going to die in a few weeks. He didn’t trust the board. _Never had,_ actually. But Pepper would make an amazing CEO and Rhodey would be a fantastic next Iron Man. There were barely any more moments wasted as soon as Tony had figured (and built) all essential parts out.

Pepper became the new CEO within a few days, her shock palpable but Tony knew she’d be doing more than just amazing in her freshly appointed position. She’d kick ass and nobody would dare to take control over SI, not with her leading the company. Pepper was already taking over the company splendidly, even had her own PA ready – Natalie Rushman, former model. It was a fun opportunity to tease Pepper and he couldn’t resist.

His birthday was approaching and he always wanted to drive in the Grand Prix, so he went and participated. Nobody had expected a madman on the road with electrified whips. A Mad Rush, that was what it was, and Tony had never been more grateful for having learnt French than he was now, asking to have a few words with the prisoner. The guards accepted – but more because he was the intended victim of _Ivan Vanko_ than because he was Tony Stark or Iron Man. French really had no humour and respect for dying people, did they?

Tony forgave them because of the amazing wine they produced in some parts of the country and the dark humoured movies they made.

“If you make god bleed,” Vanko said with utmost conviction in his dry voice, “people would cease to believe in him. There will be blood in the water, the sharks will come. All I have to do is sit back and watch as the world consumes you.”

 _Sweet_ , Tony thought dryly and made to leave. He had more important things to attend to than to listen to a single mad man in a prison in France. Like getting one of those expensive wine bottles for his upcoming birthday. It was to be seen if he’d even survived that one.

**~ ∞ ~**

He wasn’t feeling any better, he felt increasingly worse and the chlorophyll started to lose its effect on him. The palladium was more aggressive and successful than his green drinks. There was a moment, a single one when Tony felt the dark veins spreading more over his body and it was simply _pain_ , in him, over him, his nerves felt like they were on fire and the arc reactor sat heavier in his chest than ever before and he considered to just –

End it.

He was a man with a hole in his chest, a messenger of Death sitting inside of him, killing him more rapidly as time went by. Animals were treated better than him right now. He hadn’t even gotten to know what SHIELD wanted the Avengers to be and this was it, wasn’t it?

The suit for Rhodey was ready and well, he had expected to be some sort of gratitude but fighting with his best friend in Iron Man suits? _Shit yes_ , his drunken mind told him. It was better to be excited about a _fight_ than to explore the hurt feelings that his _best friend_ was _fighting him_. Was it his fault that he was dying? _Maybe_.

Tony just felt … done. Cold. He went down to his workshop with a lot of effort and let the kids pull the suit from him. It took a bit because some parts were jarred but the pain didn’t matter that came from it – Tony felt too hollow, too empty to registrate the anguish lacing through him. He wanted it to be _over_.

He had done what he could for Iron Man to live on – it just seemed he wouldn’t get to see it.

A few days later he had an immense craving for doughnut and well, JARVIS had told him quietly it wouldn’t be long anymore. Doughnuts.

 _Fury_.

He stared at the man inside of the doughnut shop with betrayal when _Rushman_ turned out to be _Romanoff_ and was an agent of SHIELD. Was he never protected from betrayal? Would it always continue to be like this? He’d known something was off about her but – _not that_.

Tony was just getting sick of the constant feeling of betrayal, the need to be always on his toes around everybody and couldn’t let his guard down, not even _once_ and apparently, not even when he thought he had figured somebody out. Could he blame it on his dying proce-

Romanoff injected him with _something_. Apparently for his _health_. And Tony wondered how well they knew his _sickness_ to have a better antidote _already_ than him. How had they gotten to this information? He had taken care of JARVIS’ weak spot, hadn’t he? Maybe he had forgotten.

They graciously gave him something _Howard_ had left behind.

Coulson came to visit him and threatened him with a taser. It was a joke in bad taste and not even Tony would have done one of those. There were _limits_ and boundaries but apparently not for agent. And then the bastard announced he had business _elsewhere_ , he wasn’t needed here but he’d leave some agents for Tony stationed at his house and left.

 _Business elsewhere_ , my ass. Coulson could go and do business in a bush for all that it mattered to Tony. His mind was trying to keep up with everything happening around, all the different emotions trying to gain the mastery but it seemed, they couldn’t settle. So when Howard’s face showed on the screen, Tony felt to his already waging storm of betrayal, hurt and confusion; a dosage of sorrow and blending anger. He wanted _none_ of those things.

He went to bed, his thoughts circling around Howard and SHIELD’s recent betrayal and how he could pay that back – even when they had probably bought him time. But it was the principle of it that mattered. Nobody was allowed to betray Tony Stark – after Obadiah people should have learnt that. But it seemed, that was not the case. Maybe it was the time for a fresh reminder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big, big fat thanks to **Leikio** and **Romana_IntheVoid** for helping out with the French ❤️  
> If you happen to read this on a computer, hover with your mouse over the French and a translation will appear ~~like magic~~.  
> For mobile readers: a translation is given at the end of the chapter 👀

**Professor X.**

His bed was neither soft nor comfortable. The blanket didn’t feel like silk on his body, even when the weight was barely existent. He wrinkled his nose in the cold air that was hunting him down like a bad joke. If this was a nightmare then it was an extremely cruel one. Like they tended to come but Tony could not find any trace of humour at being stuck in this situation. It was bad when he couldn’t manage to make himself laugh over horrible stuff. That was always how he knew that something was royally screwed up and the light at the end of the tunnel was so fucking far away. At this point it would be easier to climb the Statue of Liberty in New York’s Harbour.

He slowly moved his fingers, one by one; lifted them up beneath the blanket to his chest where he could see them. Of course he could have opened his eyes first. But if he saw the cave again, then –

He wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Maybe it was to start with feeling and touching first. He could trust his senses more. Everybody could think during a dream that they were awake and responsible for what they were doing. All lies. The shirt felt rough under his fingertips, the material not something Tony would ever let JARVIS buy. A _tank top_.

 _It wasn’t real_. It couldn’t be, not _again_.

He had left the cave, hadn’t he? Had left and been living for six months under the presumption he was _free_ from the Groundhog curse. However, his hand touched cables, warm and solid, the wire under the protection layer, thin and strong and Tony could swear he heard energy thrumming close to him. He didn’t have to follow the cables to know where they would lead – to the damned car battery that was attached to him like a grotesque form of a dog at the end of a leash. _Fucking hell_.

All right. _All right_. He was here again. A new loop was happening, and Tony would have to accept that. Not to do so would be equal to acting like a brainless idiot. Tony might be many things society did not like or approve of, but he was certainly not a _brainless idiot_.

He opened his eyes. A familiar yellow light Tony had come to associate with this cave greeted him; as well as Yinsen’s quiet breathing that he knew was fake. Wasn’t he suffering from nightmares tonight himself? There were so many happenings tonight, it was _already_ starting to become a challenge to keep track of it. He wasn’t allowed to talk with Yinsen about the nightmares. He had to act like he was a selfish, ego centrical prick, and pretend it was all just about him.

The “ _Hallelujah,”_ which fell from his lips was tired and sounded _exactly_ like Tony felt. Why even bother to get out of the cave when he would be dying soon anyway? For a moment, he allowed himself to feel depressed and had been wrong in his faith to get out alive. Accepted with an ironic smile that there was no happy end for him.

“Stark?”

His eyes shifted around until they landed on Yinsen’s tired face. He owed it the man to get out of the cave, didn’t he? The, “ _Don’t waste your life_ ,” was still ringing in his ears, his peaceful expression still fresh in Tony’s mind. There would be later time – and a _better suited one too_ – to lament the inevitability of his fate. For now, he had to break his own record of nine weeks and get them both out of the cave.

It took them only 8 weeks this time. _Two months in this fucking cave, time wasted I could have spent on better things_. But Tony had used them not only to make the arc reactor _and_ the freaking suit, aware that he was signing his own death warrant as he put the palladium core in the arc reactor. He stopped thinking about it though when he looked at Yinsen. It was _worth it._

But Tony had thought about _why_ the loop had started again. _Obviously,_ something had gone wrong on the last day or else Tony would have woken up in his bed in Malibu, not in the cave. And all that came to his mind was _SHIELD_. Well, and the palladium poisoning but – maybe it was both?

**~ ∞ ~**

Rhodey found them wandering in the desert and his hug was the most welcoming thing Tony had ever experienced. He hadn’t liked their last fight and now, just being _close_ to his best buddy again, it was all he had been dreaming about the last few weeks and the relief in Rhodey’s eyes was palpable. He only wanted, _wanted_ so much to stay in Rhodey’s arms and not having to do everything again.

But he wasn’t allowed yet to lose hope when the tenth loop only started. He didn’t allow himself that. _Pass ‘Go’, collect 200M$._ Something along those lines. He hadn’t played monopoly in ages. Whereas this relapse was allowed only for a moment, this failure in judgement, okay. But that was _over_ now.

**~ ∞ ~**

They put Obadiah into jail again, Tony saved Gulmira, he came out as Iron Man, ate cheeseburgers, talked with Fury again but paid more attention to the talk, weaselled a few days later Howard’s legacy out of SHIELD’s greedy fingers and listened to Howard’s slimy and _oh so forgiveness seeking words_. Pepper was made CEO earlier on because Tony thought she was the person most suited for the job and he had other things to care about. Like the beginning of the StarkExpo and the upcoming Grand Prix. _Yes_ , Tony would attend again.

He put Vanko behind French bars again and chatted with him briefly, charmed a French officer he hadn’t seen last time and it had been some time since he’d last indulged himself by flirting excessively, _so_ –

Dum-E continued to make Chlorophyll drinks for him and when three and a half months were up, Tony discovered a new element. _Fun times_.

Even when his house got the worse end of the deal, it was more than worth it. The issue of the arc reactor rested less heavily on him and Rushman, no sorry, _Romanoff,_ stared at him with barely hidden surprise when Tony continued to be a healthy bastard and winked at her when he talked about Triple Imposter. Fun times were being had and he was atop the game _yet again_.

Now, to SHIELD. Just in case the loop wanted to reset again. But there was nothing. There was nothing of the extraordinary happening or being reported about in SHIELD that demanded their attention.

Was he too early?

Tony hid his face in his hands. Was it possible that he’d been too early in each of his goals and now SHIELD was the one fucking his loop up by not being _ready_ yet?

“Remind me that I hate SHIELD,” Tony muttered to JARVIS.

“ _Of course, Sir.”_

“Thanks, Jay. So. What am I going to do for the rest of today?”

He made the suit for Rhodey even when he knew that he’d wake up tomorrow in the cave again. Well, most likely. But he didn’t feel like doing much else and the sound of hammering soothed the anger cooking inside of him. The injustice of it, that he was _so close_ to be the winner and _others_ were at fault for making him relive everything _again_. How was that in any way, a good way to make all the suffering up to him?

“I don’t want to be disturbed for the rest of the day,” Tony said through gritted teeth when the anger simply became too much. It felt like he was running hot, his stomach clenched in anger and nobody would be able to help him now. He wanted to _destroy_ , wanted to make someone else feel the intense pain he was being exposed to and _share_ it with him.

“Block all calls and messages, start Protocol Hermit Crab.”

 _“Right away, Sir.”_ JARVIS paused for a few seconds. “ _Excuse the question Sir, but are you dying again?”_

“No?” Tony snorted. “Why? Should I?” he added, bitterly.

_“No!”_

“Then be quiet, J. I just want to be left alone.” Tony picked up an arm from his own suit and stared at the cables that hang out of it. He pulled it on in a quick movement, secured it to himself with a belt around his torso and then started to shoot around.

White noise filled his ears, high and unmistakably the sound that was _Iron Man_ and kept shooting –

Glass shattered, a few of his cars didn’t look whole anymore, and important papers were strewn all around the floor, smoking, after he was done. No spot that had been left untouched. The rage inside of Tony cooled down until it was barely noticeable. But it was still there, simmering under the surface, ready to boil over within a moment’s notice again.

There was the wine he’d bought in France, waiting for him in the fridge. _Normally_ Tony preferred scotch but wine was always the better choice to get drunk quickly without needing much. If you weren’t Tony Stark, that was. But the bottle made him feel not sober anymore either and the world was spinning around him, the couch soft and comfortable beneath him. JARVIS was playing “ _The Princess Bride_ ” for him and Tony snuggled closer into his pillows.

Tomorrow the world would be looking dark and yellow again, for now he allowed himself to be swallowed and be ravished by the fantasy of a long-lasting and enduring romance. He’d seen the movie first he’d been seventeen and since then, always been one of his favourites. The 80’s were Tony’s long love anyway and everything that came with it.

Super Mario Bros, Pac-Man, Donkey Kong – still games Tony continued to love. The Walkman that had played him the beauty of Madonna, Black Sabbath (even when they had fired Ozzy) and Led Zeppelin, all the great music that had followed and accompanied Tony through his teenage years.

“JA’VS?”

_“Sir?”_

“Lo’e you.” Tony sighed in his pillow happily. “E’en wh’n you ca’ rememememmemebe tomo’ow.”

 _“Sir, I assure you I will remember.”_ Did his AI sound worried? Awww, bless him.

 _“_ Don’ lie.” Tony shook his head. The movie started to show the casting list and Tony cuddled deeper into his pillow. “No lyi’ allo’d here.”

_“Sir.”_

“Ni’t.” Tony blew a kiss into the camera and let his eyes fall shut. The blanket felt warm on him and not too cold, not too thin. It was a good blanket. He’d miss it back in the cave. He was as ready as he could be.

**Fucking Bullshit, is what it is.**

This time it took him only thirty days to get out of the cave with Yinsen. He went to shower in the base, asked for a towel in advance and washed the grime off, right there. He felt fresher and more alive and more like Tony Stark when he left the bathroom to join Yinsen and Rhodey again. He’d taken the greatest care not to get the water sprayed into his face but everything was possible to avoid when you tried your best. Yep.

It had taken him an almost embarrassingly long time to figure that out and get over his fear to just _stand_ beneath a water spray but he needed the time to get there and, in the end, had won. It was a small victory but it was what Tony needed sorely.

Obadiah was arrested, Stark Industries stopped manufacturing weapons, Gulmira saved, Iron Man became a Superhero, he saved himself from a Palladium Poisoning. Pepper became CEO, there was a birthday party, Rhodey got a shiny new toy that could fly; everybody was as happy as they could be in these dire times that were only for Tony awful. Romanoff was here again and was a superb PA for Pepper, Tony let her have his fun and stayed in contact with Fury and tried to get closer, was less reluctant about the Avengers Initiative than he’d been before.

SHIELD _liked_ that. They included him in more and more debates, asked him for his input – he sent them an invoice, and everything seemed to be okay.

The loop was running smoothly and Tony was confident he was on the right path _this time._ It seemed like he was right when Coulson rang his doorbell and asked if he was interested in a short trip to New Mexico. There had been disturbances in the area and other things Tony might be interested in.

It didn’t even take him a second to say “ _YES!”_ and packed a travel bag, joined Coulson in his well, red 1962 Chevrolet Corvette named _Lola_. That could _fly_ , by the way. Not that this was amazing or something new, no. Tony was a man, flying in a suit out of gold-titanium-alloy, what did a shiny flying car matter against that huh? Ah yes, and he’d taken out the Ten Rings sometime in between, how could he have forgotten?

His life certainly was never boring. Instead, it seemed to get increasingly exciting with each loop. Tony wondered if there was a chance that the loops did not only do a reset on his body, but his mind as well. He remembered the emptiness and hollow feeling from the last loop, but it felt thousands of light years away from him.

“She has a _flamethrower?”_ Tony would later refuse to admit he’d been squealing. But honestly, an armed car that could fly? Amazing. _No_ , boring.

“Yes.” Coulson shot him a smirk. “And guns.”

“Agent,” Tony announced in a serious voice. “I _am_ going to marry your car. Mark my words.”

Coulson laughed at that and Tony settled back more comfortably in the dark seat. Wind was blowing cold into his face, and let hair drop in his eyes but he was _in a flying car_. Tony’s inner child was way too excited about this and then he didn’t even know yet what was going on in _New Mexico_.

Where SHIELD was taking him, without him prompting them to do so. Amazing.

 _This is the last loop_ , Tony promised himself, crossed his fingers and hoped that this was true. It’s been six months now; he was thirty-nine and had spent already like _roughly three years_ in those six months and had seen the same moment happening over and over again. He was sick of it and glad he could vary same aspects of the loops. Who knew if he hadn’t gone insane otherwise. Arkham Asylum was always open to more madmen, wasn’t it?

He looked at the small houses below him, the people there living their life, day by day again and didn’t even know they had already done what they were doing now, once before. _You lucky bastards_.

**~ ∞ ~**

But it turned out that _Tony_ was the lucky bastard. There was a hammer in the middle of the desert that could not be moved. It was their _Caliburn_ , only not as pretty as it could be and well, it was a _hammer_. Tony had never liked hammers as a weapon, always been more of a gun-type or swords. He was one of those nerds who liked to buy swords from movies because they _were cool_. So far, he had Anduril in his living room, Green Destiny over his oven, Glamdring as a letter opener, a couple of Lightsaber were hidden at a place where Pepper couldn’t get them into her fingers and Longclaw was waiting for a place it could shine.

“It doesn’t move?” Tony stared at the hammer in disbelief. “Amazing.” He shot Coulson a grin. “You know agent, this is going to be fun. Finally, a mystery I don’t know about yet. JARVIS, start to scan this baby and give me all that you got on unmoving hammers. I need coffee and we need to think about ways to move this baby, yes?” He nodded and pulled a tablet out from the inside of his jacket and shot Pepper a text he was going to stay for a while longer in New Mexico.

There was a time and place to be a serious businessman or a threatening Iron Man – this here was neither of those. Here he was Tony Stark, the genius in this round of madness and he had a _puzzle_ in front of him. He sat up a few recorders just for him, SHIELD had their own ones but his own were better suited for JARVIS. He could scan the area like he wanted while searching for an “unmovable hammer” on StarkNet and maybe get a few results on it.

To Tony’s great amazement there was _indeed_ a hammer. A pretty famous one, spelt “Mjölnir” but nobody here could say that. Well, except for the guys who came from the area and knew how to do an “ö”. It was more a Mjolnir in America. Which lead Tony to the fact that he simply swallowed and accepted JARVIS’ search result that this hammer was the one from Thor in the Norse myths. He was stuck in a goddam _time loop_ what did a bit of mythology madness matter here?

And some guy tried to lift the hammer two days later, a pretty decently built muscle-man, and Tony had never amused himself more watching someone struggling with a simple tool. Even when he had to admit the hammer was a pretty one, yes. _But still –_

**~ ∞ ~**

The loop continued to run. Tony had expected to wake up already in the cave again but it seemed there was no need. The bed SHIELD provided him within the base wasn’t the most comfortable one he’d ever slept in, but it was miles better than the makeshift one that had ruined his back.

 _“Sir_ ,” JARVIS made himself noticeable on Tony’s phone. _“Something is happening around the hammer. The cameras are picking up a colder spot close to it that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere._ ”

“Show me.” Tony opened his laptop, looked at the data. And there was this _shape_ of cold, just in front of the hammer that hadn’t been there a few seconds ago. _Weird_. “Can you get the shape more defined, buddy?”

“ _Not right away_.” JARVIS sounded upset. “ _It might take a bit until the data has been run through and processed.”_

“Try to get everything you need. Who knows when we’ll get the chance to do that again?” Tony jumped up with that and ran out of his room, towards where the hammer was. He crashed into one guy, put the papers that were strewn about on the floor in his arms, mumbled a hurried, “Sorry,” then ran on. He had to see _whatever_ that was with his own eyes.

 _“Sir_ ,” JARVIS, “ _it’s gone_.”

“What?” Tony stopped cold in his track. “What do you mean?”

“ _The cold shape vanished. It’s not here anymore.”_

Tony’s jaw dropped. “How quick did that happen?”

_“Within a blink, Sir. There was no indication it would leave at all.”_

“Did it touch the hammer or got closer to it?”

_“Running calculations on it.”_

Tony continued to walk towards the hammer, not as hurried anymore as before. That was _interesting_ , to say. A cold spot around the hammer, appearing out of the nowhere and then, vanishing as abruptly as it had come? There was no reasonable explanation for it – _yet_. But Tony would make sure there was one in coming up in the next few days.

Or, loops. Depending on if this would set him back. Which would be a shame because Tony happened to _like_ this loop. Things were easier but oh well –

He’d see in the morrow, would he not?

“Stark?” Coulson said from above him.

“Yeah?”

“Did something happen that made you sprint through the hallway like you are a madman on the run?”

“Yepp.” He let the ‘p’ pop loudly. “J is running scans already but I doubt I’ll find anything useful this time.”

“This time?” Coulson asked and Tony could hear the question in his voice. Well, shit happened.

“Yeah. Maybe the disturbance happens again. At what time did it appear?”

_“At 2:13pm, Sir.”_

“Perfect. Thanks. Did you find anything useful?”

“ _Of course_.” JARVIS sounded affronted. “ _When do I ever not?”_

“You found my sex tapes on the web,” Tony said lightly. “And there was no need to.”

_“It was perfectly reasonable to look for them. After all, the PR team had to do damage control and for that, it’s always good to know where the source is, is it not?”_

“Of course.” Tony smirked. “You’re talking to me here JARVIS, you can just admit that you’re a horn dog.”

His AI sighed deeply and that was the end of their conversation. A shame. Tony liked to banter with JARVIS, but he was sometimes a bit prudish at times and stopped whenever it became _explicit_. The occasional quip was fine, but _nothing more_. _Prude bastard._

Tony went back to his bunker afterwards and started to analyse the data. Read it through, went over it, tried to get more results from it.

“I need a better equipment,” Tony realised with a deep sigh. _Fucking hell_. All right. Good. Shape that distinctively looked like an undefined human, Tony was on it. He licked his lips. It was time to get to work. And he could use the time now to create a scanning device he could use later.

He wondered what had become of the trespasser. But would he bother with him? No, not yet. Technology, first. He had priorities after all.

**Hunt for the Cold Shape, the first. Repetition, 6x2.**

It was definitely, and to 100%, maybe more, the missing of the cold shape that set him back. Tony woke up in the cave again, feeling the cold air above and around him, the thin blanket a sad little comfort. It was time to go to work again.

_The same procedure as every year?_

Waking up with a “Hallelujah” on his lips, making the arc reactor and the Mark I in record time, this time only some 6 weeks – shit he was getting better, wasn’t he? – escaping with Yinsen, setting everything on fire, shutting down SI’s weapon manufacturing, telling Pepper and Rhodey about Obi, getting him arrested in England, exchanging the arc reactor’s Palladium core with the new element he’d discovered a few loops ago. On to creating Mark II, saving Gulmira, watching Obi’s trial with a sense of triumph and bitter satisfaction. Then, talking with Fury, enjoying his new shower and not getting a full-blown panic attack when water hit his face with half force – he was only a half into having one then JARVIS stopped the water spray and Tony sat there on the wet ground and got his breathing under control and his heartbeat with JARVIS’ rhythmic talking and remembering himself he’d gotten out of the cave.

More world saving and shitting all over Hammer and his idiotic plans, in between making Pepper CEO of his company and getting her a new PA (who, to his amazement continued to be Natalia Rushman), giving Rhodey a suit of his own on his birthday party, being nice and sweet to SHIELD while learning more and more about them and he actually remembered to make the scanning device for when Coulson would appear on his doorstep again to invite him to New Mexico in his fancy little flying car, Lola.

Good times.

Coulson knocked, Tony went to New Mexico and put up all the new equipment.

In between he read _The Edda_ that was available on Wikipedia because it was only proper, right? He did not learn a lot – he was too focused on the scan and waited for the second June, 2:13pm and his cold shape to appear.

He went to the site earlier and hid above. It was as expected, he didn’t see anything but JARVIS told him quietly that _something_ was happening. Tony looked at the _something_ through his sunglasses and _ah_ , wasn’t he clever to read scans from his sunglasses? _Google could go and eat ass._

It was a man. No idea _how_ that was possible but the cold shape? A man. Not visible to him when he took his glasses off but with them on, _there he was_. A blue shape, tall, taller than him, and reaching out for the hammer.

“Sorry buddy,” Tony mumbled because he knew the man would fail already. “But it looks like the hammer does not think you’re worthy.”

The ‘spectacle’ if you even could call it that, lasted perhaps two, three minutes tops.

“What do we have on our alien visitor?” Tony walked slowly down to the hammer and ran a scan of the area, hoping there would be remains but –

 _None._ Oh well. Tony would do without just fine. He knew by now already more than the loop before and it had taken him _only_ six months again. Even with all the speeding up from his part – it seemed the hammer would just always fall on May 30th, and the visitor appear June 2nd.

 _Six fucking months._ He could do this. There was already the Mark VI about to happen – he was in a bit of an Iron Man mission binge if he was being honest. The feeling of doing something right for once, to protect people and trying to make up for the shit he did – well, it was amazing. It felt like being high, just with fewer drugs involved and nobody was trying to arrest him for what he was doing. And because he already knew what was going to happen on what day he could look forward the banter and sleepovers with his friends, the science binging with Yinsen before he left to get back to his job but promised to stay in E-Mail contact.

From sharing a cave to staying in contact via mails. It was almost ridiculous. But Tony knew that he needed space from everybody in between – otherwise he would just go crazy and then, go and have a movie night together.

And well, buy Pepper strawberries because by now he had come to enjoy her exhausted expression when he gave her the sweet fruits. He knew she was allergic but – it didn’t happen all too often nowadays she got ‘angry’ at him and Tony missed _reactions_ from people around him.

The predictability was starting to wear on his nerves so he went for small pranks in between that sweetened his day. He put sugar into salt in SHIELD’s kitchen and enjoyed the outrage that came from all the people there that their food was “too sweet”. Or he’d cracked SHIELD’s code again and made a contest out of it – would he beat himself this time or would he be faster at cracking the security code from the FBI?

He should stop pissing people off in his spare time but there wasn’t overly much he could do and it wasn’t like they’d remember it either way.

Which was _good_ because no way would Pepper ever talk to him again when she heard he’d hacked into the White House. It had been an accident. He only wanted to take a look at their coding, not to hack it. But his fingers had been quicker than his brain (sometimes that happened) and he was in. _Ooops_.

He sorted out the data and thought of ways to improve his equipment then went back to sleep.

**The unfortunate number.**

Cave, Hallelujah, Yinsen, escape, the game was on again. Tony did not hesitate and threw himself into work, his alien was waiting for him six months in the future.

Obadiah, Gulmira, et cetera.

The rhythm was in his blood, he knew when to move his fingers that way and let his tongue form the words that were needed without thinking much about it. He avoided the shower the day it had rained on his face and went in the morning, this time without any further incidents. He was getting better at it. He saved the world and flew as a reward to New Mexico, his equipment ready and set to go.

His alien man dropped by precisely at 2:13pm and Tony was watching him again through his glasses and collected more data on him. The shape, the weight – some insanely complex formula he’d thought of a few days ago how to measure the cold and the highness and then divided it by the weight force to get the weight of his alien and well, it looked good to him. 525 pounds, his alien was a heavy bastard.

And he _still_ could not lift the hammer. There went Tony’s theory that just enough weight would be able to lift Mjolnir but oh well – he could find another way eventually.

**7x2**

And again.

Out of sheer boredom and nothing better to do until the time had passed for the hammer to drop, Tony went and learnt Icelandic. Just a bit of preparing, but he had like, four months to get the language and when he arrived in New Mexico, Tony could say he was getting the hang of the language. Tolkien’s Sindarin was the next language to master. And maybe knitting because that looked cool.

His alien dropped by at 2:13pm and Tony stood in the door to the area and let his gaze stay on the hammer. He’d made sure that he looked more of a guard than a _scientist_ , a gun strapped to the side and looked all awesome and badass with his dark sunglasses that scanned his alien from up close. Said alien had the audacity to stare at him for nothing longer than a second and before they concentrated on the hammer.

Like the hammer was in any fucking way more important than him. It probably was, but that was beside the point. This time Tony managed to catch _energy particle_ that his alien left when he came and when he disappeared. His sensors went wild and his heart made of science was beating rapidly and to the sound of JARVIS running more calculations.

He loved his mysterious little alien that drove him slowly mad with wanting to know more.

**FiFTeEn.**

To exactly _no one’s surprise_ did Tony wake up again in the cave and did what he always did and said, _“Hallelujah!”_

The same spiel again, the same people, the same happenings.

His alien visited on June 2nd, 2:13pm and this time, Tony walked even closer. Was he being suicidal? Most likely. But he drew his rounds as a guard, took scans from every possible angle and his alien was none the wiser. He didn’t even pay attention to Tony in _any way_.

Scans, more data, he was trying to make his ET visible to him out of the cold blue on his sunglasses. Was that possible? Probably not but he was Tony Stark, everything was possible to him and it wasn’t like he was under time pressure or had meetings to attend for SI or save the world.

Nothing was more interesting than to pretend to be one of SHIELD’s people for three minutes and then to run to his rooms as fast as possible.

JARVIS was amazing at analysing the data too. He was getting quicker every day and Tony fed him the data from the tries before by hand.

They were a good team.

**The shorter, the better, the greater the pain, the bigger the reward. In other words, fucking sweet sixteen, someone get the champagne.**

Alien came by, and the hammer still did not move.

Tony might have stifled a laugh at that and the next thing he knew was that a knife was flung his way and that shit had _appeared out of the nowhere_. Then he died next to the hammer and ET was still invisible.

**Seventeen, Bruce Springsteen.**

“So, no laughing,” Tony promised himself as he walked towards the hammer and stood directly opposite of the spot where ET would stand. Was he provoking?

ET didn’t give a single shit about him and the hammer still refused to be lifted.

**Congratulations, you’re an adult now. No alcohol though.**

This time he kicked a _stone_ at his alien and had the pleasure of hearing someone hissing in pain, then there was nothing.

**Uhm. There’s an alien, isn’t that enough?**

ET had an inkling to be murderous, apparently. Tony let it slide because he got good data still from ET but he promised himself he would pay that back eventually.

He might have put a small bomb under ET’s arriving location and had the pleasure of seeing ET’s face for a split second, then he disappeared, bleeding. Tony collected the blood and considered it a fair payment. And the bastard wouldn’t even die from the bomb, too.

Blood was essential to his research but when Tony decided to go to bed that night, he could not forget the startled face from ET. Flashing green eyes, and he wore a jacket and a scarf that had been tainted with the spray of blood. He would apologise at a later date but JARVIS had finally found something to make ET visible to him without having to bomb him.

**21? 20?**

“Do you think aliens are real?” Tony leant back on his couch, the box with pizza resting warm and heavy on his lap.

“Are you talking here or is another mad idea of yours just growing inside of your head?” Rhodey arched a brow.

“Just wondering.” Tony picked up a slice. It smelled heavenly and the cheese was all warm and molten. _Delicious_. ET was playing in the background and okay, maybe Tony was an infinitesimal bit obsessed with his alien. “We think we know all that there is in the universe but there is so much _left_. We might know more about the ocean than about the space and that’s something.”

“Do you want to go to space?”

“Maybe.” Tony looked up to the ceiling. “I think there’s so much more up there than we could ever know about and who knows what kind of breakthroughs there are waiting for us.”

“Mhm.” Rhodey stole a slice of his pizza. “But seriously, Tony. Are you sure you’re not just on a trip here? JARVIS told me you’ve been watching almost every alien movie that’s available.”

“I happen to like the scientific side to the movies, thank you very much.” Which was true. It gave Tony ideas and _hopefully_ it would be enough to finally get to see his ET this time around.

“Is Iron Man not enough of an adventure anymore?”

“It is.” Tony sighed deeply. The real issue was that he wanted to get _out_ of the loops, even when ET was a fascinating riddle. Perhaps ET was the solution to his problem. Tony would not stop, not until he finally had a solution to his problem. “But whenever I go up and even further up, now that the icing problem has been solved, I wonder how it is _outside_ of the atmosphere.”

For a moment both men were silent.

“Cold,” Rhodey eventually said. “Cold and still.”

“Sounds like it’s my job to bring life into space, isn’t it?” Tony sent him a grin. “Space needs to hear the beauty of ACDC, doesn’t it?”

“NASA won’t be happy if you fly into one of their satellites.”

“I support and donate to NASA regularly, I doubt they’d mind overly.”

“Tones.”

“Platypus.”

“Don’t.”

“But it could be _fun_!”

“And it’s dangerous.”

“I took out the Ten Rings, you think it could get any more dangerous than that?”

Rhodey chuckled lowly. “Probably not. But the Ten Rings were _one_ danger, we don’t know what could happen if your suit fails out there.”

“Nothing.” Because he’d wake up here in the cave again.

“Can you promise me _not_ to go to space alone?”

Tony pouted at his friend. “You’re going with me then?”

“You’re mad.”

“That’s why you _love_ me.”

“I _exchanged_ your _arc reactor_. What more could you want of me?”

Tony winked at him. “You and me, hand in hand, on the way to spacey-land.”

“I’m going to regret that.” Rhodey shook his head. “But better us both than you alone. So, yes. We’re going to space.”

Tony jumped up. “Amazing!”

They went a few days later, the Iron Man suits all ready and looked heavier than ever but were definitely more suited for a trip to space than anything else.

**~ ∞ ~**

It was cold and quiet up there and Earth was a sweet blue ball beneath them and honestly, it was like flying without sound until Tony let ACDC’s “Hells Bells” bang through the never ending night and flew a loop and another, his heart beating quicker than ever before and blood was rushing through his veins, loud and buzzing, his visor clear and took in the beauty around him.

He was just a small particle in this ocean of white blinking lights, the satellites blinking green and red and Rhodey was nearby, flowing his own way of loops and curves, humming to the melody.

It was _majestic_ , space, and he was glad he stood here, mid-flight, the suit gleaming in the starlight and catching the white shine of the moon so far away from him and yet, closer than ever before. It would be a hell of a trip, something about 4 days, maybe quicker when Tony could make his suit fly even faster.

“We’re never going to do that again!” Rhodey wheezed out when they arrived back in Malibu, their suits smoking slightly but _that was what you had an ocean for, right_?

“Awww, Platypus. I thought that was an amazing first date.”

“First?” Rhodey threw the helmet off and gasped for breath. “I thought we did the first one back in college.”

“Well, that too. The first – in a while?”

“Better.” Rhodey shook his head and then started laughing. Tony joined in because honestly –

They’d just been to _space_ , man.

**~ ∞ ~**

His alien dropped by for his visit at 2:13:26pm and Tony stood there, disguised once again as one of SHIELD’s soldiers and wore the heavily modified sunglasses. ET was fucking _gorgeous_ and knew how to pick his wardrobe. The dark green jacket to an equally green tie, the dark grey scarf complementing the white shirt with green stripes. He looked horribly human with the pale skin, the finely cut face and the dark hair that ended below his nape.

He shimmered into appearance like it was no big deal, but Tony could read the frustration in the green eyes when the hammer still did not budge. _And he weighs 525 pounds?_ Tony’s eyebrows rose because ET did not _look that heavy_.

Neither he or JARVIS could detect any form of technology on the guy so his technology was either _so_ advanced it was impossible to find – but not for Tony’s genius so it was not that – or he appeared out of _nothing_ with _magic_.

And the latter was definitely cooler and way better and funnier to puzzle out so. Tony let ET disappear without trying anything further and then called Rhodey and talked to him about aliens and space because –

 _He had to share it with someone_. Even when it felt like there was only disbelief coming from Rhodey’s side but Tony knew, were he in Rhodey’s place he wouldn’t believe him as easy as that either. But it felt nice to talk and share with someone his success.

“ _And you’re sure you’re not only telling me that because a guy happened to catch your eye for the first time in ages?”_

“Pretty sure.” Tony snorted. “Honestly, I think the guy would rather kill me than talk to me.”

_“Sounds like he’s a challenge.”_

“Oh, you have _no_ idea. I feel like that guy is costing me years.”

“ _Make sure you introduce me to him at some point. If he’s costing you so much time already, he must be a special one_.”

And that he was. Tony ended the call a few minutes later and started to watch a movie to get his head to calm down before he’d fall asleep.

 _Assuming the guy really does magic, would he be able to get me out of here?_ Tony wondered silently. Maybe this was why the loops always reset. Because the guy was his way _out_ and he always disappeared which meant, he would not cross Tony’s path again in the future. Which meant that in the next loop, Tony had to go and make sure that ET would talk with him. Was that possible without getting a knife in his throat? That would be lovely, actually.

He had no idea what to do, for the first time. Maybe –

Could he just talk to the guy? Or send in an Iron Man first and hope for the best?

Who knew?

 _Him_ , most likely. In the next loop.

**N+1.**

He was only a human and ET was most likely his only way out and that _stressed Tony out_. So he went into the city and made sure that each beggar got money, invited a bunch of them for a brunch and then ran away to the beach. It was late in the date and normally, _normally_ Coulson would have picked him up already but Tony –

If he was _wrong_ about this, then he didn’t know what to do anymore. All his hope now was focused and narrowed on ET, his pretty alien from another place and there was Norse Mythology at play and –

He stopped short in his walk. Water was splashing peacefully against his toes, curling around it like a friend and seagulls were squeaking in the distance. If this was about _Norse gods_ and someone who thought, he could _lift_ the hammer and had appeared like a wreck when he couldn’t lift it anymore?

_What if –_

Tony looked to the edge of the ocean, far away from him and the waves glinting in the sunlight. Had he honestly never thought about that before? Why did he not just _go_ and asked the trespasser? Nothing bad could come from that, could it?

The seagulls laughed in the distance and for a moment Tony had the distinct feeling they were laughing about him.

So, _fuck everything_ , he needed to talk with the trespasser as soon as possible and have him talk about the hammer. And maybe he also knew more about ET than Tony did. _Fucking hell_ , why was he so slow at times?

Coulson didn’t appear and Tony knew he’d missed his chance today.

He went for a drink with Pepper – she had some time to spare – and enjoyed the simplicities of life for a few hours. Pepper was an amazing drinker and her comments about men and their dancing skills made Tony’s evening. Really though, he was glad MIT parties had taught him better than to just grind his pelvis against others like it was the highest of feelings. It _wasn’t_. Tony pitied the fumbling idiots who thought that was sexy because it sure as hell wasn’t. Nobody wanted to be grinded at _while dancing_. Unless that was something the other wanted, of course. There were always exceptions.

But why do ugly grinding when you could do so much better movements with your hips that turned the other into horny pudding in your arms? _College_. _Good times_.

Still, Tony was surprised to see _Natasha_ _Romanoff_ turn up in the disco, her hair a flowing red mane and searching for _someone_. For a moment Tony thought she was here to look for him and tell him off for not being there when SHIELD needed him but he lost sight of her all too soon.

He found her a while later, at the edge of the dancing floor, kissing Pepper. No, he had _not_ seen that coming. Really, he hadn’t. Pepper hadn’t told him anything about them either and for it to be their first time kissing they looked far too comfortable with another.

 _Good_. He needed to ask Pepper next time what was going on there with her and Natasha and if she knew who she really was, not that his Pepper fell for a triple imposter and got her heart broken. Tony would _not_ see Pepper suffer even when she could hold her own against Natasha’s quick wit and sharp tongue.

He shot Pepper a quick text that he was leaving early and wished her a good night, then left. Natasha had come here _somehow_ with the plan in mind to get Pepper, for sure she was here with a car and Tony had the sneaking impression that it was the Corvette on the other side of the street. The car just screamed _SPY_ , why, Tony had no idea. But at least she had a good taste in cars so it was safe to say that Pepper would get to a _bed_.

Funny times. One of his best friends was in love, huh?

He narrowed his eyes. Did Happy not know either or why hadn’t he told Tony about that development? That man sat at the _source of all happenings,_ he had to know _something_.

But that would be something to worry about tomorrow in a few months.

**Who the fuck even cares.**

Cave, Yinsen, Gulmira, Obadiah, arc reactor poisoning, world saving, Ten Rings, Fury. Right? Ah, yes, Pepper and Natasha and Vanko and his birthday and idiot Hammer. Tony had his priorities sorted out, it was June, he was good to go. To see a _real_ hammer, this time. Coulson picked him up like a good nanny was supposed to and flew with him to New Mexico and didn’t even tell him to buckle up. The man knew how Tony ticked, not telling him to buckle up was a very responsible thing because Tony hated it when people told him what to do. And he _always_ buckled up, that shit was there for a reason and there were enough Hammers already on the street and thought they knew better.

He let JARVIS find out where the trespasser was kept and, he was in the middle of doing something scientifically amazing like he tended to do, JARVIS showed him a montage of Coulson walking into a room where the man sat. He looked, well, not like his ET. Blond hair, pretty face and well, like a human. But unlike Coulson, he doubted the man was a _mercenary_. Did people ever make logical conclusions? A guy with blonde hair and blue eyes appeared out of the nowhere and wanted a hammer that could not _be lifted_?

_“One way or another we find out what we need to know. We’re good at that.”_

Tony’s eyebrows shot up. Did Coulson just imply what he thought he was implying? Tony felt cold, all of sudden. He did not condone torture of any kind and to hear Coulson utter it so casually, like it was nothing, it didn’t sit right with Tony. Coulson’s phone beeped.

“ _Don’t go anywhere._ ”

The door behind Coulson shut and –

“ _Loki!_ ” The man gasped. “ _What are you doing here?”_

“JARVIS, use the program on the camera, I need to see that.” Because Tony had the sneaking suspicion that he knew who this Loki was.

 _“I had to see you._ ” That _voice_. Tony blinked and then, there was his ET, in colour and shape, standing in front of the blond dude, looking as impeccable as Tony remembered him to be.

“ _What’s happened? Tell me, is it Jotunheim? Let me explain to father-“_

_“Father’s dead.”_

Oh.

A pained silence.

Tony’s own heart lurched at the pain he could read in the face of the other.

_“What-“_

_“Your banishment. The threat of a new war. It was too much for him to bear.”_

Banishment? Tony leant forward. A war? What was going on here?

ET, _no,_ Loki, continued: “ _You mustn’t blame yourself. I know that you loved him. I tried to tell him so but he wouldn’t listen. So cruel to put the hammer within your reach, knowing that you could never lift it. The burden of the throne has fallen to me now.”_

Okay, this was better than any soap opera _ever_ , but _what the fuck_ was ET on about?

_“Can I come home?”_

“ _The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.”_

“ _Couldn’t we find a way-“_

“ _Your mother has forbidden your return.”_

Helluva fucking _shit_ , this was _sick_. “JARVIS, run a search on _everything_ he says and get me –“

_“This is a goodbye, brother. I’m so sorry.”_

“ _No._ _I am sorry. Thank you for coming here._ ”

“ _Fare well.”_

And he _disappeared._ Just in time for Coulson to appear again. Tony’s heart sped up. _Fucking hell_ , this was a crime novel or some sort of because _hell_ , what did just not happen in this talk? A sudden deceased father, a mother who forbids a return, _two brothers_ and a throne – which made both of them two princes and his alien to the fucking _king_ when Tony remembered right, there was a condition on the other to stay here otherwise there would be a war breaking out between the home of them two and _Jotungame?_ And it was a _banishment_.

Hell.

“JARVIS, I want _–“_ Tony jumped up and ran down to the hammer, having had the foresight of sitting on the metal scaffold framing the hammer.

“-EVERYTHING!” Tony yelled then entered the area.

 _Loki_ popped up a second later, not looking at all like he was grieving for his _father_. Well, Tony wasn’t the right person to judge here but even he had been shocked when he’d gotten the news his parents had died in a car crash. And their father was a _king_ , having died of too much pressure and stress, apparently. Hopefully, it had been quick.

Tony knocked at the scaffold next to him. It rang hollow and it made Loki’s head turn into his direction. Tony loved his sunglasses.

“Normally I’d take off my sunglasses,” Tony said casually, “but then I’m not able to see your pretty face any longer.”

Loki’s brows shot up and he took a quick glance around but there was nobody except for them both.

“Yes, I’m talking to you.” Tony grinned at him. “ _Loki,_ right?”

Green eyes narrowed into small slits. But still nothing came from his lips.

“I know that you understand me,” Tony continued and stepped closer. “Would you make yourself visible so I can take the glasses off? And –“

Loki made a movement with his hand and suddenly no word fell from Tony’s lips anymore. _The fuck –_

He turned away from him and reached for the hammer.

Tony moved his mouth and _yelled_ but no sound came out. He was _silent_ , a silent screamer and no one heard or saw him because Tony had made sure he was always alone here when his alien was visiting. The hammer did not budge an inch under Loki’s finger, no matter how often he tried or pulled. It stayed right where it was and Tony stepped forward.

He would _not_ be silenced like that _ever again_.

Loki smirked at him.

Tony glared.

Loki left and Tony’s voice resonated loudly through the area.

 _Fucker_.

“You bastard,” he gasped and yelled in frustration again. “You fucking bastard with magic.”

No. No for today, Tony had more than enough. He would listen to JARVIS’s results, figure out who the other one was – not that he already had a suspicion because _c’mon,_ only one dude in the Norse mythology wielded a hammer so.

Fucking tomorrow because for now Tony had enough of alien guys.

**Fucking bullshit, something after 20. Maybe 25. A quarter.**

‘Life is an adventure and is only waiting for you,’ some people said but _some people_ could go and suck his dick. It was his twenty-third loop, someone must be helluva pissed at him for making everything last _so long_. Life was an adventure? Haha. Tony never felt less like laughing in a situation as he did now. The worst part wasn’t even anymore waking up in the fucking cave that would not let go of him. The cave, well, he got out of that by now within less than seven weeks.

He saved Yinsen’s life over and over again, saved the lives of others and sat down to create his suits. He did what he had to do to make his suits functional, thought about how to make Obadiah’s life in prison more difficult because he was as petty as that and tried to convince Rhodey to go to space with him again – with success. He missed the cold silence up there, when nobody was bothering them – only NASA asking them to take a look at one of their satellites while they were already there. But Tony was keenly aware he was here probably just again on borrowed time.

 _Thor_ , because Tony would bet his ass on that, lost his freaking hammer and wasn’t able to lift it anymore and _Loki_ – who did not look at all like he’d been described in the Edda, he couldn’t even trust literature anymore it seemed – was a slimy bastard who’d probably been lying and had _silenced_ him.

Before that he’d killed Tony twice and Tony had made him bleed. They had been sort of evened out but not now, not any longer. The satellite was blinking red in a slow rhythm and Tony put the wires back in. It was a shame he couldn’t blow up Loki again – he deserved it and Tony felt petty enough for it. But Loki was his way _out_ or so it seemed and because of that he had to try and play nice. When Loki was a prince from a different planet and could appear and leave as he pleased then he probably knew how Tony made the loops stop. He had to. He shut the lid of the satellite and kicked off again.

Rhodey was done on his side too and flew around idly, humming into the micro to a song from Britney Spears. And they said _he_ had a bad taste in music. Mama Rhodes _loved_ his music, thank you very much, Rhodey only had to learn how to appreciate good things again. It was as easy as that. Maybe he should try to get his Platypus into a rock concert somehow. The army would give him a few days off when it was for the better of … something. He’d come up with something.

Probably not, but Pepper would know and find a way to make it happen. In exchange, he’d get her and Natasha into one of those concerts from Britney Spears. Honestly, everybody seemed to like her songs nowadays and Tony did not support that. Not when he had to listen to her songs all day, all night and _there was no end_. They all should listen to her if they wanted to – but not when Tony was within earshot.

“J, fire up some good music, would you?”

And his good AI, forged and written with his own two hands, his own sweat and tears, all off his energy he had possessed when he’d been young and not as dumb as the others, put on Deep Purple.

“Thanks, Jay.”

_“You’re welcome, Sir.”_

That was how space got introduced to Deep Purple and Tony considered his mission here as done. He sped up, the thrusters in his boots whirring loud in the deep darkness and he flew a circle, a loop, tackled his Platypus around the waist and shoved him forward.

Was it childish and absolutely not mature at all to play “tag” in space? Yes. Definitely. But Tony didn’t give a single shit about it and tried to evade Rhodey as good as he could while JARVIS continued to play the best music possible and Tony’s laughter rang loudly in the comm. Goosebumps were sneaking on his skin, the hair on his arms felt like they were scratching under the alloy that felt warm on him thanks to the in-built heater and continued to shoot and played Super-Man with an arm stretched out and balled into a fist, a knee pulled up to his stomach. His name may not be Clark Kent but Tony felt _super_ at this moment.

Loki was as far off his mind as possible and Rhodey was hot on his heels, catching up and finally, _tackling_ him and tumbling with him through space. The white light of the stars blinked on Rhodey’s visor and he was grinning and cackling as mad as Tony.

This was not an adventure, this was pure self-indulgence and Tony would not be stopped from some _stupid alien_ in a few weeks. He’d find a way to make Loki listen. That bastard.

**~ ∞ ~**

He went to Thor first thing and made sure JARVIS planted a fake message from the WSC in Coulson’s phone. He had _not_ forgotten Coulson’s words.

Tony sauntered into the room with a big smile on his face and pulled up another chair to sit down in it.

“I’m Tony,” he said casually as blue eyes bore into him. “Stark. At night I tend to be Iron Man and protected the sweet and innocent civilians from baddies like the Ten Rings. The room here is being monitored but not right now, JARVIS is looping the feed so they only see you sitting here from the last hour again and again and again. Thought you might like that. Nobody likes to be monitored, right?” He tilted his head.

“But then I guess you are used to being monitored. Just not by cameras but by, what was his name, Heimdall?”

Thor’s eyes went wide.

“Right, Heimdall.” Tony nodded. “So, Thor. I’m not here to rat you out to SHIELD or anything but I’m in a bit of a hassle here. It turns out that I need to talk with your brother without having him kill me.”

“My brother?” Thor’s eyes bore into his. “He’s here?” 

“Not yet.” Tony shrugged. “Pretty sure he’ll appear the second I’ve left the room.”

Thor was silent again.

“C’mon, Point Break. That’s really important to me.”

Silence. Again.

“Look. I don’t care what you’re doing here and for all that I care you can take your hammer with you. I don’t need _that_ and neither do I need you.” He frowned. “No that sounds harsh. Let me take that back, yes? The thing is, I need your brother to help me get out of a predicament I’m in.”

Thor stared at him for a moment, then looked downwards again. He was just _silent_.

Tony liked the silent guys sometimes but right now, it was grating on his nerves and annoying him. This was maybe not the best situation for Thor to be in – but it wasn’t easy for Tony either. This was pure hell for him too. And he –

He sighed.

“Listen. I don’t trust SHIELD. And I know that you think you can’t trust me either but really, the only thing I need from you is to tell me how to get Loki to listen to me. It’s important.”

 _“Important,_ ” a voice drawled from behind him and there was Loki, clad in his green jacket and grey scarf.

“Loki,” Thor breathed. “Do you know that Mortal?”

“No.” Loki looked at him like he was a _fascinating_ specimen. “Has he bothered you?”

“No.”

“Of course.” Loki smirked. “I think your audience here is over, Midgardian.”

“I need to –“

“Farewell.”

“No-“

A green blast of energy was sent his direction.

Everything felt like it was tumbling out of him, all his organs, flying somewhere but did not stay –

He was tumbling –

Dark, everything –

A shot of green and he was falling –

Down.

He fell face-first into sand, _burning_ sand. He shot up with a scream on his lips.

Hothothothothothothot _hothothothothothot_.

“Bonjour?”

Tony turned around. A teenager stood next to him, a baseball cap on his head.

“Comment es-tu arrivé là?“ The boy stared at him in awe. “Tu n’étais pas là avant!”

“Par magie,” Tony grunted and patted the sand off his face. Fucking hell. Loki was not a simple man to please, was he?

“Incroyable! Les paillettes vertes –“

“Ouais, ouais.” Tony looked around. No, this wasn’t France. “Où, suis-je?”

“En Côte d’lvoire.“ The boy grinned at him.

Tony’s heart sank. He thanked the boy then fished out his phone.

“JARVIS, be a darling and send a suit to my location, would you?”

 _“Sir_.” The AI hesitated. “ _Aren’t you supposed to be in New Mexico?”_

“Yes. But someone doesn’t want me to be there, it seems. Now, _suit_?”

_“Sir, don’t you want me to send you a jet? None of the suits can fly on their own so far.”_

“They can’t?” Tony cursed. “I’ll work on that as of the next thing.”

So Thor was _not_ an option. Even when it got Loki to speak with him – more about him but well. Tony would find a different way. Just because Loki was a difficult case did that not mean he was unbreakable. Tony wanted a cheeseburger. And scotch.

Aliens, man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy: "Hello? How did you get here? You weren't here before."  
> Tony: "Magic."  
> Boy: "Incredible! The green sparks-"  
> Tony: "Yeah, yeah. Where am I?"  
> Boy: "Ivory Coast."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to add when I posted this, oops
> 
> Someone wrote a comment about to the french in the earlier chapter and pointed out the mistakes, but it got deleted 😭 you don't have to, really. French is not my native tongue and I'm happy if the mistakes get pointed out and corrected, I promise ❤ 
> 
> My French has been reduced to asking where the toilettes are and that I don't have pants, sou xD

**Genesis.**

There was nothing worse than waking up in a cave and going through everything _again_. Only to do it _again_. If there was an office where Tony could file in a complaint, please someone better let him know, this was getting _frustrating_. Things ceased to be fun. For example, blowing up the Ten Rings and getting Obi into jail because _it had happened so often by now_. He had to get past June 2nd, just to experience a _new day_ , create new memories and all that.

This time, he ordered a calendar and ripped out each morning the page with of the new day with a truly devious pleasure. It was a calendar with ‘motivational quotes’.

They sucked. Example:

> March 14th: _“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers, you cannot be successful or happy.”_

Fucking _sucked_.

> March 28th: _“If you can dream it, you can do it.”_

Well if Tony could dream of letting things explode, he darn well could do that too, right?

> April 12th _: “Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.”_

That day Tony refused to work on anything and just played fetch with Dum-E and U.

> May 3rd: “ _Press forward. Do not stop, do not linger in your journey.”_

_That_ reminded him of monopoly, so he went and bought a new hotel chain, simply to say he was trying to do as his calendar told him to do. And SI was sorely lacking hotels. Stark Hotels! Who didn’t want to stay over in one?

> June 1st: _“Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.”_

That, admittedly, made him laugh. It sounded acerbic.

On the next day he was waiting for Loki at the hammer’s place. Which reminded him of Justin Hammer and how the dude kept fucking up every fucking single time; it was as hilarious as it was sad.

He didn’t know just yet what would be written on the calendar for today but he wanted to share it with Loki.

“Oh, that’s a nice one. I’m sure that applies to you, Loki.” He chuckled when ET looked at him with wide eyes.

> “June 2nd. ‘ _Chance your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay_.’”

ET frowned.

“Yes, I’m talking to you.” Tony sighed. “Yes, I can see you. No, your magic isn’t failing, I’m just bored, and I want to talk with you.”

A black eyebrow shot up.

“And don’t throw another knife at me, honestly. It’s getting ridiculous.”

“Who are you?” Loki asked.

“Don’t tell me this fucking stupid motivational quote is what makes you talk to me.” Tony rolled his eyes. “No, I refuse. I have my pride. Go and pick up your hammer. It won’t move by the way. I refuse to have this work. See you in a bit again, ET.”

“My name is _not_ ET.”

“I _know_.” Tony rolled his eyes. “But I could also call you alien guy and I’m not sure either of us wants that. Unless you _do_ plan on putting eggs in me so they can survive. You don’t do that, do you?”

“Why would I want to _lay eggs?”_

“ _Eggs_ are making you talk as well? Are you even _real_? I almost begged you last time to talk with me and you sent me to the Ivory Coast. That reminds me I wanted to make my suits more autonomic, and me less dependent on carrying a suitcase around. Right. JARVIS, put that down in my notes. No, don’t. Right. You’re not going to remember that.”

Loki stared at him like he’d gone mad.

Maybe he had but – c’mon _motivational quotes_? That shit got Loki talking? And _eggs_?

“I’ll see you next time again, sweet cheeks. Stay fresh, take care of your skin and – _oh,_ you’ve got dirt on your nose, by the way. Right _there_.” He tapped against his own nostrils.

Loki’s hand flew up.

 _Good_. Harry Potter quotes got him too. That was amazing and acceptable and at least _some_ sort of respectable reaction. He walked out with a wave of his hand.

**Twenty-five for good measure.**

Cave, Yinsen, tatitada. It was getting boring. And he was by now so over 25, surely so that meant –

That this marked a quarter of a hundred which meant this was a special occasion. (Had he been at this point already before?) Tony decided to indulge himself this time. He still had to pay SHIELD back, didn’t he? But he couldn’t dance out of line all too soon or change the rhythm, otherwise he’d have to go through everything again and hadn’t had a chance to enact his revenge. He bought the things he needed and made sure everything was stuffed in his bag when Coulson rang the doorbell. There was this instinct in Tony to just shut the door in Coulson’s face and make his nose bleed, if not worse. He would get his revenge.

Tomorrow.

He went to sleep peacefully and no sense of guilt was drowning him. He also didn’t wake up in the cave again which meant that he _had_ the right to do that.

 **~** **∞ ~**

June 2nd and for the first time in a while, Tony Stark was going to blow things up again. He smiled as he drank his coffee while putting his bomb together that he hid at the centre of the base.

He put a red blanket on the sandy ground, and read John Grisham’s _“The Confession”_ because it was new and why not go out with a book in his hands, right? Everybody who didn’t see it the same way he did was an idiot anyway.

When had he lost his fear of dying? Maybe when he’d faced Obadiah who’d shot him without blinking. Maybe then.

Mjolnir was an amazing backrest and Tony was already at page 314 when Loki appeared and stopped in his track.

“Sorry buddy,” Tony said. “Want to sit down for a bit? The blanket is very comfortable, I assure you.”

Loki just stared at him.

“Yeah, I can see you and all that. So now, would you kindly sit your well-formed ass down here? I promise you the hammer will still be here later.” Tony looked up at Loki and his shocked face caused him to grin. “Loki, get to it.”

“How do you know my name?”

“Sit down and I’ll tell you a story.”

Tony patted the blanket next to him. It was a wonder and he hadn’t expected it to work but Loki did sit down opposite of him, his green eyes searching Tony’s intently.

“You reek of death, Mortal.”

“And you of a fine parfume. Do all of you Norse gods smell so good or is that just you?” He threw in a wink for good measure and shut the book with a soft ‘ _thud_ ’.

“I don’t know.” Loki shook his head. “Tell me the story, now.”

“Aww, darling.” Tony chuckled. “I don’t have much time left anyway, don’t make me live through too much stress, yes?” He sat up straight.

“The thing is this is most likely the twenty-fifth time I’m doing this, let’s just say it is because I forgot counting, and I’m _bored_ and thought I could celebrate this special occasion. My name is Tony Stark and I like it when things to go ‘boom’. So I thought, why not today? And I finally can pay SHIELD back for betraying me and saying they wouldn’t hesitate to torture your brother upstairs. Don’t know if you heard that but I don’t like torture. Just came out of that recently so, yeah.” Tony looked at his stopwatch. Thirty seconds.

“You plan to let this building explode?” Loki looked at him with interest.

“Yup.”

“With you inside of it?”

“Yup.”

“You are _mad_.”

“Yup.” Tony laughed and took Loki’s hand in his. “You’ve got about twenty seconds to flee, sweet cheeks.”

“I will survive an explosion.” A hungry look overcame green eyes that bore intensely into Tony’s. “Will you?”

“I’ll be here in six months again.”

Loki laughed and that was the last thing Tony heard as everything became hot and loud around him and –

**Al-Fathiha.**

The good thing was that he had always wanted to know how it felt like to be burned and flayed alive and to be in the centre of an explosion. That might be a lie, but Tony Stark was living for his creations and inventions. And there were a lot of people who thought he was blowing up his workshop on a regular basis but the truth was – Tony never did.

He wasn’t mad. Under no circumstances ever was it considered as a good sign when a scientist blew up their own lab, it spoke of incompetence and a complete lack of good education and _brains_. But now he knew what explosions felt like and he lived to tell the tale. Wasn’t he amazing?

There was this tiny little shred of doubt in him if he wasn’t going mad. What _sane_ person blew themselves up entirely? Him, apparently, obviously, but for real; who did that? It wasn’t recommended by any living person and probably not by dead people either. One could wonder why.

And yet – it had been a sort moment of peace, a tranquillity in him while he’d been waiting for the bomb to go off, he hadn’t known in a while. Every loop – however short or long – tended to stress him out. His main focus was to survive the loops and get out of it before he was going mad _entirely_ , more so than he already had been when this started. Or not going madder than he was currently would be nice either. It tickled him that everything was so dependent on _Loki_ ; freaking Loki on a fucking throne who wouldn’t communicate with him unless it was about motivational quotes, _eggs_ , or explosions.

He remembered the hungry look in Loki’s eyes after Tony told him he could flee – had it been for him? For the madness of the situation? He survived explosions, yes but –

The laughter.

It had been new, a change in the scenery and he’d _stayed_ with Tony. Even when he knew death was coming down on them all and would take them all with him. Even his _brother_. Or had that suited Loki just right? A convenient opportunity to get rid of the man who could oppose him for the throne after all. Who knew with him though? Tony certainly didn’t _yet_. It bugged him.

He wanted to _know_ Loki. Wanted to know what made him tick, what let him stay in such a moment of madness overwhelming him, what, or better, _who_ was he inside? So far Loki didn’t make much sense, data was incomplete. Tony wanted to learn everything, de-mystify the mystery that he was and –

No. _No_. He couldn’t let himself be distracted. He had to get out of the loops first. Then, only then, he could decide to follow his _brain_ and get Loki to know better. It was as simple as that. He wanted –

“Hallelujah.” He couldn’t forget. _He_ had to start the loop off.

“Stark?”

Yinsen.

A smile wandered over Tony’s face as they talked again and he was doing his best to make the suit even _faster_ , time was running out on him, he didn’t know why, but it felt like it and he wanted to talk with Loki.

 _Make him understand_ , his head whispered in a dark tone and Tony tried not to scream because he had no one he could talk about all this madness. He was alone here, he was alone in his nightmare that gave him in between enough sugar and cake that he could _forget_ – then another monster appeared that gnawed at him and tried to swallow him down. Nobody would understand. What could he even say in the first place?

“ _I know this will sound off, but this is the twenty-sixth time I’m living through this time. Yes, that’s weird. But really, I’m going through my own groundhog here, you know, like the movie?_ ”

“ _Yes, Tony. Like the movie,”_ they’d answer and smile.

They wouldn’t believe him. They’d considered the circumstances – he was fresh out of a cave where he’d been _tortured_ and held hostage in, why should anybody believe him? They’d call him mad and say he should go and seek counsel _somewhere_. And they’d tell him that this was just another coping method, to process what had happened to him. It was ridiculous. Everything seemed to work against him, his life, his _godfather_ , his company, the fucking circumstances.

If this was how it felt for others who _weren’t_ caught in a groundhog – then how did they manage to overcome it? When everything appeared only to oppose you and wanted to drag you down? _How_?

_Did they even manage it or was it just a lie?_

Yeah. Did they even manage it? Who the fuck knew. This wasn’t Hollywood.

Tony didn’t like where his head was going, it was getting too dark, too cold; pessimism was holding its reins tight around him, did not let him catch a break. The cave was his home, he was always here and would return, for as long as he had managed to –

 _What?_ What should he do? Was he truly only in here because he should break free? How unbelievable romantic. All that, after getting Obadiah into prison and saving Yinsen? Was that the solution? Was he supposed to better himself? His sight became blurry. His hands put the tools he had down, slow and careful, as not to break them. He wanted to get out of here. How was he supposed to turn into a better man when he was thrown back repeatedly?

What was his reward?

Was there even a reward for him?

Did he even deserve a reward?

Why did it keep happening to him? It was almost as if he was Sisyphus, working and doing his job, rolled the stone until he was out of power and in the end, always when he thought this time _he’d done it_ , the stone would roll down the other side again.

And he was to trot after it with tired eyes and a bleak mind, knowing exactly everything would turn out the same when he took the stone, his _mission_ back up again. There was no reprieve, always _more_ , and more. No stop.

“Stark, are you all right?” Yinsen asked him gently and shook him out of his tired state.

He wanted to curl up on his bed and sleep, close his eyes and simply _forget_ for a few more hours.

Yinsen kept talking to him in a low, soothing voice but Tony couldn’t focus on the words anymore. It was becoming too much. _Everything_. The noises in the background, the red flicking of the camera that watched over them and –

His ears started ringing. A high, intolerable noise that blurred his surroundings out. He buried his face in his hands, his stomach felt _not good,_ he only wanted to vomit but –

The noise. It became louder and it didn’t shut up, simply became _louder_. It was everywhere, everything was –

 _Pure frustration._ He hated it, it always made him feel like this and it had been building up for so long, his insides coiled together in a tight knot, and the battery that sat on his lap. A disgusting, horrifying and mildly familiar weight on him. He wanted to scream. He was crying. Wetness was running down his cheeks and pooling in his hands, warm and salty. It stung on his small open wounds on his face, and –

He wanted it to _stop_.

“Stop it,” he wheezed, and it felt like a hand was clenched around his throat, made it difficult for him to breath –

Air –

He was falling.

Too small, he was not doing it correct, why was he too stupid _to breath_ like any normal and decent person? What was _wrong_ with him?

And that all because he blew himself up.

Shock?

Who knew.

The noise kept becoming louder and then –

 _Silence_.

 **~** **∞ ~**

Yinsen told him later that he’d started to wheeze, that it sounded like he was dying and, having no other choice, knocked him out. _Thank whoever’s out there for Yinsen_ , Tony thought and washed his face. It had spurred him on to get even faster out of the cave and _yes_ , he’d managed it.

But – they’d wandered for what felt like _hours_ in the desert. The military hadn’t been as close by as they were normally, which made sense. Somehow. Tony thought they were going to die in the desert, this time. With the sun shining down on them unmercifully and there was no drop of water available, all they could do was to march _on_ –

Feet were dragging through hot sand and the suit was being pulled behind them, no end in sight, only _sand_ and even more of that. It was everywhere. In his pants, in his mouth, in his nose.

Rhodey found them when evening approached. Had he come a few hours later, then – Tony didn’t want to think about it. Freezing to death in the desert or to die of thirst – neither option sounded appealing to him. Water was dripping down his cheeks and for the first time Tony thought that he looked _horrible_.

After his usual time he didn’t look well either but this?

His eyebags were worse than ever and his eyes looked almost dead, even to him. Blood was slowly running down his cheeks, thin and pink in its colour, mixed with the water from the tap. That was how a protagonist looked like at the end of a movie. A horror movie. Completely over and done for, nothing keeping him straight anymore, there was only –

Tumbling forwards. One foot in front of the other, putting on a smile and going ahead. He didn’t want this to be _him._ He was _Tony Stark_ , future of _Iron Man_. The man who privatised world peace and –

A humourless laugh escaped him, dry and hollow. What wouldn’t he give right now for a tablet to swallow so he could sleep? And a warm cup of _coffee_ , or _hot chocolate_ , to warm him from the inside out? The arc reactor was thrumming quietly in his chest, the blue glow illuminating his features from blow. It gave him an even worse look. An alien was nothing against him right now.

Why wasn’t Rhodey here with him?

He wiped the blood away, dried himself with a washcloth he’d been graciously given earlier and put on a smile, despite the shakiness and feeling of helplessness eating at him. Couldn’t someone _see_ that he wanted help? That he was screaming from the inside?

He couldn’t ask for help. _Stupid man_. But weren’t Stark men made of Iron? _Were they?_ He wanted it all to _stop_.

_Rhodey, help -_

“Dinner first,” he said with a smile.

Rhodey brought him to the dining area, his eyes never leaving Tony.

 _Do you see?_ Tony wondered as he clutched fork as if it was the only thing that would help him. _DO YOU SEE?_

Why couldn’t he just open his fucking trap and say _something_. He normally wasn’t so shy about anything either. But it was like someone glued his lips together and so remained mute. The soup still tasted horrible.

Yinsen was talking with Rhodey in a low, hushed tone and Tony didn’t want to know about what. He wanted to _sleep_ , curl up somewhere, listen to music or JARVIS’ telling him something, watch a movie –

Anything but acknowledging this was real. Six months. He had six months to fix shit and then get to talk with Loki. And that bastard better help him _this time_. Because if not, Tony had no idea what to do anymore. He was feeling like his tank was empty and he was crawling slowly, miles behind the other horses.

“Tones.”

He looked up at Rhodey. A gentle smile was directed at him.

“Do you want to go? The jet has arrived and –“

“I want pills,” Tony blurted out.

Rhodey stared at him dumbstruck.

“I want pills, I want, I _need sleep_. I just –“

“It’s all right. Tony. _Tony_.” Warm hands held him steady. “You can get your pills. I promise. You can sleep on board all you want. Yes?”

He nodded slowly, finding no hint of a lie in Rhodey’s eyes. It was _good_ to see that there was some warmth in other eyes. But – _what if it was fake?_ Not real, only pity, pity for the kidnapped billionaire who _finally understood_ that life wasn’t only about having fun all day and night. Was Rhodey happy that he was coming to his senses and less of a nuisance? More … _solid?_ Had he secretly been hoping for this?

He hoped not. It was stupid. But it – it rang so true in his ears. It _did_ and there was no one there who told him otherwise. Yinsen who smiled at him barely and avoided eye contact – was he ashamed of Tony too? _Was he_? He drowned the glass with water in front of him. Could he trust them? What had they been talking about that made _Ho Yinsen_ avoid eye contact with him? Had they –

Had they been talking about his little _moment_ in the cave? Were they discussing if it wasn’t better to send Tony somewhere else, to _heal_ him from his nightmare?

Oh, they couldn’t know that it felt like his nightmare had only just begun – that he was only a third in, that the worst for sure, was yet to come. How had he felt elated before at being stuck in here? There was nothing to feel happy over, starting over and _over_ , have the same conversations happen always the same topic, the same time, the same place. Did someone even realise how tired it made one feel? The dry taste of your mouth and when you zoned out because your brain remembered what it was going to say next to achieve the best outcome?

He was so far off track in this loop. It would bite him in the ass later.

He kind of wished for someone to attack him with a knife, to shoot him with a gun– only to survive it, so he could _feel_ the pain, could feel the desperation. Maybe so that his friends saw in how much pain he was. He just – wanted to have someone who _saw_ what was happening, recognised it and helped out; didn’t make it any worse, no matter whether this was their intention or not.

Was this maybe why he wanted to talk with Loki so desperately? Because so far there had not been a single conversation, they’d held doubled, every word spoken was _unique_ , every look new and refreshing and it was a change to the daily grind Tony was being subjected to. If he didn’t do all those small and little changes like going to space, inviting Pepper to a dinner at her favourite restaurant and sending Natasha in his stead – if he didn’t do that, nothing would ever change. Same old. _Same old_.

He played Candy Crush on his phone, waiting for the pill to kick in so he could sleep. _Normally_ he’d stand up and make coffee, let Rhodey and Yinsen have their hushed conversation but now Tony couldn’t find the energy for that either.

Sleep was all he could think about and his eyelids started to feel heavier. He put his phone down, pulled his knees up and buried his head in his pillow. It smelled of lavender.

He threw it away and used Rhodey’s jacket instead.

Sleep was like a calm drug, put him under with no effort and all Tony had to do was to go along with it. Not that he had any different choice but _details_. He slept like a _baby_.

He whined, cried, and yelled, didn’t wake up – too asleep and Rhodey could shake him all he wanted, Tony did not wake up. All he felt was a pressure on his arms, holding him tight and he would never be able to escape from them. Nothing would. He was in the cave, dark, musky and a cold air but no escape. He was trapped here and they wanted his weapons, they wanted the _Jericho_ – aware of the damage the weapon could do and counting on it.

He woke up hours later and feeling like his lungs were void of air and his voice gone.

Rhodey was sitting opposite of him, his eyes on him, dark and troubled.

“Rhodey?” he mumbled.

A hand clenched tight, balled into a fist. “You didn’t say,” Rhodey said quietly and it sent shivers over Tony, “or _forgot_ to mention that they’ve tortured you.”

“Oh.”

The sound Rhodey made, it was like a wounded animal and a pissed off bear at once. _Snarl,_ his mind supplied him with helpfully. A snarl.

Good to know that his head was starting to work again.

He nodded off.

 **~** **∞ ~**

He woke up in a hospital. There were machines beeping and noises all around him, the air felt _wrong_ , like he was dying, it was worse than the cave and –

He almost screamed again.

Obadiah was sitting next to his bed, playing around on a Starkpad, and _smiled_ when he saw that Tony was awake.

“Tony, how are you? You had me worried there with your disappearance.” He laughed and patted Tony’s arm. He –

He let it stay there. _Comforting. Assessing. Dominant._

 _Scream for help_ , Tony’s mind told him and that wasn’t good that he started to think of his mind like that. He was going crazy. In a hospital bed. His nightmare had only _begun_ , this was nowhere near over yet.

Obadiah bent forward, his face hovering almost over Tony’s. “You look horrible. I hope you’re back soon on your own two legs, Tony. I don’t like seeing you here. It makes you – you just look so young. And I almost _lost you_.” His voice broke.

There was water in blue eyes, salt that didn’t mean anything to Tony or for him. It was simple pure frustration on Obadiah’s part that he hadn’t died. _Right?_

“I would have never forgiven myself had you died there. Howard entrusted you w–“

“ _RHODEY!_ ” Tony wasn’t sure where he got the strength to yell. Not with Obadiah’s face creeping over his, his breath fanning over his face, pinning him down with his bulk and his hand on his arm.

This –

“He’s not here,” Obadiah soothed him and his thumb was rubbing circles on Tony’s arm. “I sent him home because he’s been up all night and watched over you sleeping. I took over for him.” He chuckled. “I had to use some force to make him finally see sense. But it’s for the better.”

Tony closed his eyes in disgust when Obadiah pressed a kiss to his forehead like he was a little kid that needed comfort. He did but – _Not from him_.

Where was Pepper, where was Yinsen?

He wanted to cry.

 _Fuck_. He hadn’t told Pepper at the airport what Obadiah was. _Who_ he was, either. Nobody knew. JARVIS didn’t suspect a thing either and so far, he hadn’t managed it either to hold his press conference. Stark Industries was still manufacturing weapons and no stop had been put to it for now. It was his fault. He could have done something –

Not to fall asleep, for once.

He was weak. He wasn’t made of Iron. There was no –

“I think you should sleep again,” Obadiah told him in an almost tender tone. “After all, you’re coming back from a traumatising experience. Get all the sleep. You need it, Tony. I’ll look after you.”

A nurse came in and Tony was so exhausted and disgusted from Obadiah’s vicinity, he puked on his shining leather shoes and the poor nurse had to clean it after Obadiah left, angry and not amused by Tony’s _antics_ , as he probably called them.

“I’m sorry,” Tony mumbled when she was done.

“It’s all right,” she said kindly. “That happens to all of us.”

“Can you-” he broke off.

“Yes?”

“I don’t want him in here again.”

“He is your godfather, isn’t he?”

“Yes.” He closed his eyes in bitter defeat. “I don’t want to see him. Please.”

“Of course. I’ll make sure he won’t get in here again. Is that all, Mr Stark?”

“Yes, thank you.” He heaved a sigh of relief. “Just, what is your name?”

“Linda Carter.”

He would have to make sure that he’d pay her back _somehow_ for not … for not letting Obadiah into his room again. He paid his debts even if they weren’t one.

Sleep didn’t come to him easily, he turned his head to the left and to the right, it never _felt_ right until he just –

Fell asleep.

It was almost comforting to know that he’d wake up in the cave again after having fucked up so badly.

**Bereshis.**

This time he had to do better. He wasn’t allowed to fuck up so badly _again_ , not when everything was so dependent on him and nobody could know or _suspect_ that he wasn’t as fine as he appeared to be. Without any further ado, he proclaimed, “Hallelujah,” and went to work with Yinsen.

This time everything did go according to plan. The only change was that Tony almost got caught by a solider because he’d forgotten time and was dragged to the bathing station for _not working quick enough_. Everybody knew it was a lie. It was a pretence for him mouthing back.

Water was streaming down his airways and –

Hands were holding him down, no _air_ and everything was cold and _wet_ –

He was going to _die-_

But they didn’t let him die. They kept drowning him for what felt like hours, there was water _everywhere_ and –

He was crying on his bed, gasping for air. He wanted Rhodey –

Wanted to get out of here and talk with Loki, talk, and get better afterwards. Didn’t want to face the cave and what it implied, again.

It was the only time he broke down and let himself _stop_. Just this one day. He went back to work the next day.

Avoided drinking again. Only with closed eyes. He didn’t want to see the water sloshing in the cup, didn’t want to _see_ , acknowledge its existence for longer than necessary. It was a shame he needed to drink to survive. Alone the cold and liquid feeling inside of his mouth – It was almost too much. It reminded him of his _bath_ and all he wanted was to curl up in his bed, with no further comment.

But he pulled through, telling himself it wouldn’t take so much longer, that it was only a matter of a few more days and eventually, he and Yinsen flew away, beneath them the cave set afire and people screaming.

He stopped Obadiah again and made sure he didn’t go the trial this time. He couldn’t deal with his smug face. Everything felt _raw_. Wounds he thought were closing, they opened up again and he knew he was difficult to deal with, but it still _hurt_ when Rhodey left earlier because the military wanted him back, Tony almost went on his knees to make him _stay_.

He became Iron Man and there was this rush of excitement and adrenaline when he went to Gulmira and saved the village. It made him feel alive and when he came back, he could _laugh_ with Yinsen and be happy with him. It felt –

Strange.

Almost unwelcome.

It wasn’t enough, not yet, he had to do _more_ , be more _present_ and his whole story wasn’t done or played out just yet. It was maddening. Everything was. Who was he?

He envied the Tony from before the loop started happening. When he could distract himself with sex and playing in casinos, with inventing and all the shit he had on his plate, wasn’t all _that_ much. He missed it. Sort of. And he was also glad that those times were over because –

It had felt hollow for him in a different way. There had been those days too when he’d been crawling on the floor, going from one day to the next and days were blending into nights and he couldn’t tell anything apart anymore, all the same, all the same things in their nuances even. What did it matter if the green was lighter or darker, in the end it was still _green_.

He got drunk with Natasha. There was no real explanation as to why; but it was certainly fun while she asked him about a few things about Pepper and he told her about her dislike of strawberries. That was the first thing that came to his mind. _Tony, I’m allergic to them_.

Then it was June 2nd and Tony released a sigh he hadn’t known he was holding in.

Loki dropped by, looking as perfect and almighty as ever.

“Loki.”

His alien turned to him, a knife glinting already in his hands.

Tony held up his hands. “Please, don’t. I only want to talk with you.”

Green eyes narrowed into slits. “Who are you?”

“My name is Tony Stark.”

“What do you want from me, Stark?”

“I need your help.” _And how badly he needed it_.

Loki looked – shocked? Fascinated? _“My_ help?”

“Yes.” Tony stepped closer. “Please. And that’s not coming from my lips easily but I need you to listen to me.”

Loki tilted his head.

“I’m trapped here. This is-“ Tony knew he had lost when he saw Loki’s eyes flash up angrily.

“Do not think I’ll take kindly to being mocked and played around with, Stark,” he hissed and held up the knife. “Because I _don’t_.”

 _Amazing. He’s angry._ _Very well done, Tony._

He wanted to cry.

“I’m not playing with you, Loki.”

A snort.

“Really. This is – look, I’ve been here before.”

“Sure you have.” Loki rolled his eyes and sent a green shimmer at him.

With that Tony was mute again. He ran forwards and tried to capture Loki around the waist but the bastard disappeared on him, all Tony ran through was _air_. An Illusion.

Loki wasn’t here anymore.

He’d failed. Again.

**Twenty-eight, if counting hadn’t fucked up.**

_Stay optimistic,_ Tony thought and gritted his teeth as he went through the whole ordeal again. He wasn’t feeling well. Still. He wanted to vomit and scream, so one of the first things he did when he was home again, was to buy a boxing _thing_. It had a name but Tony couldn’t bother to remember it. All that he cared about was that he could punch it, _again and again and again._

Sweat was running down his face and ACDC was blaring through the workshop. It felt like home. But Tony didn’t allow himself to give in to that _illusion_. This, he had to realise, was not his home. Not until he was free and could be his own man once more.

He signed the papers that made Pepper into the CEO of Stark Industries, made Rhodey his own Iron Man suit and fought Whiplash in Monaco. The Stark Expo was a huge success – to exactly no one’s surprise. Nobody had expected anything different. Apart from Hammer but Tony dug out enough dirt on him to send him into prison. It wasn’t all that difficult. Hammer was an idiot and knew nothing about the people he worked with. Unlike Tony because he had JARVIS and a lot of sleepless nights that were used to investigate on Hammer.

Loki’s visit was coming closer again.

There was excitement cursing through Tony, same as dread.

This time, for sure, would be the time? Loki couldn’t evade him forever, could he?

Was it bad that Tony kind of hoped it wouldn’t be the last one? He needed the _change_ , so badly and once he’d figured out how to get Loki, then –

He would have to say the same thing again. It would become the same talk like all the others, the same endless chatter that didn’t stop and he would go mad in here. There was –

“Gotta say, green looks good on you.”

Loki’s head whipped around like in a bad hair shampoo ad.

Tony smiled at him and pulled his sunglasses up. _Let Loki see you._ Maybe that’s just what made Loki so distrustful of him. The sunglasses.

“I can’t see you without them.” Tony licked his lips and looked into the direction where he’d seen Loki last. “You’re invisible to me.”

He waited a heartbeat.

Nothing.

“I’m hoping you haven’t left already but this is important. The cameras are getting fed a loop here. It’s me, standing here and scanning the hammer. For a while. I hope you’re still here, honestly. I do. I don’t care about Thor or whatever goes on in your godly realm. I’m here because I need your help, Loki.”

Silence.

Cold breath fanned over his face. A cold blade was pressed against his throat.

 _Deep breaths and stay cool, Tony_. _Just your usual stab greeting._

“It’s slightly unsettling that I can’t see you.” Tony looked a bit up. Loki was a bit taller than him. “And I hope that I’m looking in your lovely eyes here and not in, let’s say, your nostrils. That would be awkward although I’m sure they’re lovely too.”

He heard a faint laugh and Loki shimmered into existence in front of him.

“Hello, Midgardian.”

Ah. There he was. He cleared his throat. “Hi?”

“I hope that I’m not interrupting you complimenting my appearance,” Loki said lightly but his grin had an edge to it and his blade pressed a tiny bit deeper into Tony’s skin. “Because that would be. A. Shame.” He punctuated each word by stepping closer and Tony grabbed onto Loki’s green coat by reflex. It felt good under his hands. New texture. Wool, most likely. Not cheap one, either.

“No,” Tony said and looked further up. His eyes trailed over Loki’s face, too calm, too collected. It was almost as if he was forgetting that he had a knife at Tony’s throat. He had the power in his hands. Not Tony. No matter what he might think. Had he ever thought that though?

“I only needed a moment to take in all of your beauty, gorgeous.” He winked at him. Tugged at his jacket lapels, pulled Loki even _closer_. “I can’t get enough of you. Do you know that’s the first time I get to _see you_? Without being straight up murdered?”

Loki didn’t deign him worthy of an answer, his eyes staring into Tony’s, his face a polite but blank mask. His dagger? Still pressing again Tony’s throat. Was he bleeding yet? It didn’t feel like it nicked his skin but he could never be _sure_ with Loki, could he? Did it even matter if he bled?

“Are you aware with movies?” Tony continued and life was starting to stir in him. He’d almost forgotten how it felt like. Loki arched an impossible elegant eyebrow. “There’s this one movie, _Groundhog_ and –“

“No.” Loki snorted derisively. “ _Mortals_ ,” he muttered shortly after and turned around, became invisible again.

Tony blinked. This was –

Where was –

Why –

His breath was coming in erratic pulses, warm and hot and the air was getting too dry, there was _sand_ everywhere and it was all around him, Loki wasn’t here anymore –

He was -, there was nobody, just him and JARVIS asking him things, he- he didn’t understand.

He felt hot. Too hot.

Why –

He vomited on the spot.

All dignity was being thrown aside and he heaved until there was nothing left in him. He wiped the leftovers from his mouth, wiped again because he was trembling too much to hit his mouth on the first try and this wasn’t –

How was this –

“ _Sir.”_ JARVIS. _“I need you to take a look around.”_

He was delirious, wasn’t he?

Because why else did it seem like the hammer was _on fire_ , and Tony’s pants were hotter than usual too.

 _Oh_.

Fire.

It was instinct and Howard yelling at him being a stupid, careless brat in the lab who didn’t know what _safety_ was and nobody would be surprised if he knocked up some day _some whore_ because he forgot that condoms existed for _a fucking reason_. Fires were never good in the lab. Fire was not _good_. He threw himself on the ground and rolled around, the sand extinguishing the warmth that was starting to encompass him.

He should have known better.

Sand tasted like shit and Tony spit it out before he dropped his head down in the sand below him. He couldn’t win this. This was a hollow competition and the only winner would be death because Tony had met her too often by now as not to know the signs. His sight was getting blurry as pain shot up his leg.

He cried out, ripped the material around his leg away and choked on his saliva when he saw the state of his leg. It was _burned_. Flayed alive, the skin sizzling and his flesh dark red, almost black.

How had he _not noticed_?

 _Magical fire_. There from one moment to the next, your deadly enemy, do never underestimate fucking Loki who got angered by you after the movie comment and an unmovable hammer. Never. Again. There was no –

He screamed into the empty room when his leg started to hurt worse, there was no _salve_ , no doctor, no assistant. Only him and JARVIS who tried to talk to him and there was something with SHIELD –

But he kept his hands around his leg above the nasty burn despite the feeling that it gave him. It was like he put his hand voluntarily on a heated oven, or in an open fireplace or strew salt into a bleeding wound. It fucking _hurt_ and Tony was almost glad when he passed out when the pain became too much.

He remembered panicked shouting and hands – cold and warm – holding his head and touched his leg and then –

There was this sweet nothingness he craved.

It felt so good to let go and give up. To accept he’d failed for today.

Tomorrow he’d try again.

 _Nothing_.

**A burn later.**

Despite everything it was _good_ to see the cave again. But he didn’t want to be here. Even when – this felt more of a cold home than Tony liked. It was too familiar, per se. There were shouts and violence. There were tears and threats and it was all bigger and worse than what he knew but –

Maybe he’d always given Howard too much credit. There _were_ people worse than him. Losing control over your car and crashing it against a car, killing your wife and yourself because of that, robbing a teenager of his parents, it was almost laughable _simply_ and a forgivable crime when the soldiers dunked him into the water again.

Tony was slipping. He noticed. Details became blurry and his head was too interested in Loki and preferred to analyse what exactly made everything go so wrong than to pay attention to his surroundings.

 _Water_.

He couldn’t even cry when they brought him back – dragged, more like. His arms felt like they weren’t even attached to his body anymore, his shoulders _in pain_ and he was gasping for breath. Was there still water inside of him?

_Stark men are made of Iron._

_Are they, Dad_? _Then why do I feel like cotton._

The porridge tasted horrible. Yinsen’s assurances started to ring false in his ears and void of truth as the days went by. There was no escape. Only ever a greater nightmare waiting for him.

 _Are you proud of me, Dad?_ _I_ am _Iron Man._

He went into Howard’s old office, took the old _fan articles_ from great ol’ Captain America and used it as lighter in his home. It worked wonderfully and Tony did not feel bad at all when Steve Rogers’ _perfect face_ melted in the heat. He deserved it. For taking up all of Howard’s attention and being the _best man ever made_ , someone Tony could never live up to. Despite his best efforts, bringing home the best grades even when it was a struggle for him to sit down and _try_ to be quiet and understand. He preferred learning at home. He could stand up whenever he wanted and distract himself by drawing on a paper – he’d never been allowed to do that in class.

“ _Pay attention, Anthony._ ”

 _“It’s_ Tony.”

 _“Pay attention and do not doodle in class_.”

His teachers sometimes still appeared in his dreams. Doodling relaxed him. He could multitask. Many people could if given the chance. He wasn’t _perfect_ , nobody was and when he doodled cars and aliens he could relax while writing down with the other hand some formula they’d never need again in mathematics because there was a short cut they’d teach in the next year. It was always like that.

He hated school with a fervent dislike and had felt more welcome at MIT. The people there – except for Rhodey – had looked down on him and discouraged him because he _was so young_ , a _spoiled brat_ who only got in because of the fortune the Starks owned but –

Who had it been who built a fucking _robot_ at the tender age of 17, and had, on the side, created a fucking _functional_ Artificial Intelligence? It had been _his_ breakthrough that stopped AI WINTER, not somebody else’s – and people did either not know it or simply didn’t care. What were they all thinking with _Cortana, Siri, and Alexa?_ They were _annoying_ , they didn’t learn unless you changed their code again to ingrain their new won “knowledge” within it but neither of the big companies actually gave a fuck. What they wanted was to _win_ some competition and Tony only shook his head at them.

Why try to win with something that wasn’t even good?

He refused to go into his shower. Towels, dry shampoo, and perfumes were the solution for him. The feeling of water running down his face and drowning him from the inside out – it was too new yet and he –

He’d beaten it once before, hadn’t he? His fear of water. But when he heard it fall against the tiles and –

He was shaking and grasped the doorframe like it could save him from the _shower_. He was ridiculous. With no further thought he ran to the bed and curled on the bed, his breath erratic and fast, his heart beating to his throat and it was so _loud_. Everything was.

There would be no stop to this.

He was here alone.

It was only May 3rd.

_A month more before Loki came back._

Was he getting obsessed with the Norse god? At his age? He did.

Rhodey made sure that he was always available in case Tony needed to _call_ someone or wanted a distraction when he felt his heart beating quicker and his eyes watered. When everything became unsharp and his knees too weak to support him for the next hours.

He’d texted him once. _“Are you free?_ ”

There hadn’t been an answer and Tony had yelled and cried in his pillow, had cursed his own weakness, and told himself he only had to grow a stronger backbone, it wasn’t too _late_. The Iron Man suit felt heavy around him as he tried to find comfort in it – his suits were on autopilot and JARVIS could direct them all, but he didn’t find any. His breath resonated in the hollow shell of a body, it sat snugly but cold on his undersuit and JARVIS told him in a low voice that he was experiencing a panic attack.

 _No Shit, Sherlock_.

There were no arms who held him, no comfort in any way only himself and that wasn’t enough.

He wanted everything to _end_ , he wanted to get laid again without having to fear he was freaking out at the thought of letting someone close to his chest, to his arc reactor. That shiny blue thing in his chest which removal would have only deadly endings for Tony and cardiac arrest was never nice.

Rhodey texted him hours later, that he’d been trapped in a meeting and couldn’t answer sadly.

JARVIS, the traitor, had probably told him what had happened because the next time Tony shot Rhodey a message at 3am, he’d answered a few minutes later. Rhodey _never_ answered at that time. He slept soundly like any normal functioning human was supposed to do. But Tony stood in his bathroom and _had showered_ , just to freak out afterwards and had dried himself so quick like never before.

It hadn’t helped.

 _Water_. His new enemy and pain in the ass.

June 2nd came by and Tony found himself once again in New Mexico and waiting for Loki.

“Gotta say, green looks good on you.”

Loki’s head whipped around.

“I can’t see you without them. You’re invisible to me.”

Nothing. A heartbeat.

“I’m hoping you haven’t left already but this is important. The cameras are getting fed a loop here. It’s me, standing here and scanning the hammer. For a while. I hope you’re still here, honestly. I do. I don’t care about Thor or whatever goes on in your godly realm. I’m here because I need your help, Loki.”

Silence.

Tony stepped aside.

Loki shimmered into appearance. His eyes were set on Tony.

“How come you don’t see me but know where I will strike?”

“Because I had this situation once before.”

Loki tilted his head. There was a new, speculative glimmer in those hungry green eyes. “Did we meet before, Midgardian?”

“I’ve met you before, yes. But you haven’t met me.”

“Are you always speaking in riddles?” Loki let his knife disappear.

“It’s the truth.”

“Good,” Loki replied smoothly. “Because I’d hate to see what happens should I find you lying to the Liemsith.”

“This is too important for me to lie about this.”

“And this is where we differ. I lie to get what I want and to give others the closure they need.”

 _Closure_.

Tony’s head was whirring with possibilities and ideas. _Closure_. “ _Father’s dead.”_

Closure.

_Oh._

“You told Thor your father is dead because he needs closure to accept his banishment,” Tony gasped. “That’s why you didn’t like me being there. Or let me –“

“ _How_ do you know of what I told Thor?” Loki hissed coldly. The knife was in his hands again, Tony noticed and swallowed. Oops?

“I’ve been at this point before,” Tony repeated in a quiet voice. “You, me, here. Mjolnir. This isn’t my first rodeo.”

But it _was._ This situation was new to Tony, he hadn’t encountered it before. Loki – Loki kept things alive, brought change with him and changed the outcome again. And Tony had been afraid already that this was it when he’d repeated the same words to Loki because they _had worked_. He couldn’t let his pride win when it came to Loki. Not often, at least. Not when he wanted to be on his good side and ask him for his help, at least. It couldn’t be that difficult, could it?

“Loki, I need you to listen to me-“

Loki disappeared.

“What?”

Why-

_Throne. King._

Maybe he should read for the next time a book about etiquette when dealing with someone of royal blood. Pepper surely knew a good one. But Tony already had the suspicion that the book would tell him royals didn’t like to be told what to do.

To be fair, neither did Tony.

**3x10?**

And again. Everything back to the beginning, a clean new slate, the same old battery in his heart again and Yinsen’s startled, “Stark?” after his _happy_ , “Hallelujah!” Happiness could be a lie and Tony was sure he was one too. He built the arc reactor again, his head hurting from all the pressure and the terrible darkness around him that wished to consume him. It pounded a lot, these days. After effect of all the loops? That was possible. It wasn’t like any doctor on the world could confirm or deny that theory, not since Tony was the only person _trapped_ in here and there was no official record of someone being trapped in their own groundhog anyway.

He checked as soon as everything was over again.

 _“British woman Michelle Philpots living real life Groundhog Day.”_ Daily telegraph.

A case of wiped memory. Poor woman.

 _“The Groundhog Day Effect.”_ Bloomberg. Content: Your life sucks, do something against it but everything you need for that is money and a whole new personality, a new house and a new partner. Amazing. That helped Tony for sure in his dilemma.

“JARVIS, aren’t there any _funny_ or _better_ articles on groundhog experiences than that crap?” he asked in a tired voice.

 _“There are, Sir_. _Can I ask why the interest in the movie?”_

“Because I am fucking trapped in my own groundhog, JARVIS, and I want to get out of it. That’s why. It’s as simple as that,” he snapped back.

JARVIS showed him quietly a new article. Tony wasn’t sure if his AI was pouting in silence or thought it would be best to do what asked and be witty about it later again.

 _“Groundhog Day vs. the Butterfly Effect._ ” Blogspot.

At least he could laugh about _that_ if not about his own overly dramatic self.

_“Do you think Phil Connors’ passage through selfishness, suicide, and virtue (in that order) is a realistic portrayal of what would happen to a person stuck in the same day?”_

Yes, dipshit.

Tony sighed and closed the web again. There was _nothing_ out there. Even the “scientific” papers who were talking about Groundhog and its effects, they were all _hoaxes_. He could’ve read papers about the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus and gotten more accurate results, probably. People _cared_ about that hoax more than about other shit.

But that was just humanity. What would happen next? A raid on Area 51?

It seemed as if there truly was no way out of this other than to hope that Loki knew a way out? And he better had.

Tony knew he was getting desperate and started to _feel_ like he was giving up – but he didn’t allow himself to do that. He wanted to win – even when the outcome - when he-

He might have gotten drunk in his desperate attempt to find words and played fetch with Dum-E. He used a gauntlet for that and JARVIS was playing “Back in Black” because obviously that was the only good song here. Then he changed to Taylor Swift and Tony started to cry because man. The lyrics.

They just hit him in the face and he _hated_ pop songs but he was drunk, all right? Everybody did something stupid when being drunk and not master of their own senses anymore. A horror.

 **~** **∞ ~**

He woke up cuddling on the couch with a blanket and U was trying to clear the workshop up because Tony had neglected to do so yesterday.

He had a major headache. In the last time he hadn’t drunken a lot – there’d barely been any time and somehow it had become lesser what with him being out and trying to find a way to stop everything from getting too dull and repetitive. It wasn’t easy but he managed. And there was, of course always _coffee_ to count on and that was always available wherever he was.

The door rang.

“Agent?” he mumbled when he opened the door.

Agent’s nose twitched. “Time to go to New Mexico, Stark.”

“Ah.” He led Agent inside and searched for his bag only to realise he’d forgotten to prepare it this round. That was a mistake easily rectified. Although Tony was sure he’d forgotten multiple things but he could take care of that later.

“Hangover?” Agent asked in his emotionless voice when Tony appeared again.

“No. Worked the night through.” That wasn’t even all _that_ wrong.

Agent hummed at that and led him to Lola. There was a scratch in the door handle. Tony hadn’t noticed before.

“There’s a scratch.”

“ _WHERE?”_

It was adorable how Agent suddenly changed tune and ran to Tony’s side and inspected the scratch.

It seemed as if Agent was only a man on the inside as well. _Cars and men_ , a history nobody will ever understand. Sometimes Tony didn’t understand himself but when he saw his babies parked in the garage and looking amazing, he felt a pride filling his heart that was only third to his suits and his _real_ babies, the bots. And JARVIS, of course.

“I can help you with the scratch,” Tony offered when Coulson kept touching the scratch with a heart broken expression.

That was just _adorable_.

Agent accepted his offer gladly, knowing full well that he was talking here to _Tony Stark,_ the man with a lot of far too expensive cars in his garage. So yes, Tony could damn well repair that fucking scratch and Agent looked at him with a tiny little bit of gratitude shining in his eyes when he fondled the door handle with tender fingers.

_Oh Agent. Does your violinist know about your only love?_

They arrived 5 hours later than planned in New Mexico because Tony and Agent got into a talk about the strange obsession of collecting old cars – and new ones – and repairing them. Agent said it was to make one feel good and give the car its worth back. For Tony it was to make something awesome even more awesome. Time flew by. Oops.

Had someone said he could get lost easily when talking about cars? No? That was a damn shame because it was _so true_ , it almost hurt him in his car loving heart and Agents delighted fucking _squeal_ when Tony let him sit behind the wheel of his Cadillac series 62.

Two men, one passion.

A damn shame that Coulson still uttered his threat against Thor and made Tony wince and regret it _again_. Some people would just never change and were a lost cause, it seemed.

 **~** **∞ ~**

Loki appeared as always at 2:13pm, never a millisecond too late or too early. He was raised well. But then unlike Tony he didn’t plan on making a grand entrance did he? Tony watched the king? Prince? Norse god? Everything of that? Stroll leisurely towards the hammer to pick it up. There was no audience needed for this. He tilted his head and watched Loki silently.

Had he known he’d fail? Was this why he was here without making himself visible? Because would he be able to lift it – surely it would be better had someone _known_ or _seen_ right? Was Loki _aware_ he wasn’t “worthy” despite his probably ‘best’ efforts to be worthy?

Loki stepped back, his face a mask of pretended nonchalance. Sweet.

“You knew the hammer couldn’t be lifted by you, didn’t you?”

Loki tensed and looked at him.

Tony pulled his sunglasses up and winked at ET. “Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone, sweetcheeks.”

“ _How_ can you know I’m here?”

“I’m a bit of a magician.”

Loki shimmered into appearance, right _in front_ of him. They were so close that Tony wasn’t sure anymore if he was breathing in fresh air or the one Loki exhaled. Romantic, really. Sharing air with someone else, being so close you could see their perfect pores and had them staring down on you. _Lovely_.

“Are you?” Loki purred lowly. “Then why can’t I detect _any_ trace of magic on you, Midgardian?”

“Because _obviously_ my magic is not detectable.” Tony arched a brow. Everything inside of him screamed at him to _step back_ , to make room between him and Loki but that made him step forward even more. Nobody could say that he didn’t have any survival instincts. He had them but he sometimes just chose to ignore them for a more dramatic effect and to leave a more lasting impression on others.

Loki had the audacity not even to blink at that. _Asshole_. There he was and pulling out his best mediocre moves and the bastard didn’t seem to care about that. That was a shame.

“Is it not?” Loki’s smile was all teeth.

It reminded Tony of a cat. A cat that was preparing to jump at you and claw your throat open and only leave a bloody mess behind.

“No.” _What was he doing?_ Sometimes his mouth worked faster than his brain did.

“Then show me a proof of your magic,” Loki challenged him.

Wasn’t he also the god of lies? Did that mean ET could sense when he was lying? Tony had to ask that at the next best opportunity.

 _Magic_. All right, he could do this. He had no hidden aces in his sleeves because he did play _fair_ in casinos even when he counted. A bit. Sometimes. On occasion. When he wanted to impress someone. Then he allowed himself to count. Otherwise only on weekends after the second glass of scotch. What could he show Loki though? He had the distinct feeling that Loki wouldn’t be impressed by a phone. That was a shame too because his own phone _was_ a work of magic. Probably just not the sort of magic that Loki meant. Could he find something better to show off?

Loki looked at him with a deadly calm, his stance relaxed and his eyes glinting hard in the bright room. How would those eyes fee-

 _No_ , not going there.

But there was the glow of his arc reactor in Loki’s eyes.

Awesome.

He opened his sweater almost lazily, then pulled his shirt down to reveal the beauty that was his arc reactor to Loki’s now curious eyes. _Good_. That was something Tony could work with.

“That is my magic. And I bet my ass you can’t detect it.”

Loki _blinked_. His eyes wandered up to Tony’s face and back to the reactor again. “That’s – What is that?”

“ _Magic_.”

“Tell me,” Loki hissed and his face took on an angry expression. His brows furrowed and he snarled at him.

“Ask a guy out for dinner first.”

“I also can just take and see for myself.” His face was almost uncomfortable close to Tony’s. His hands rose, covered in a green shimmer and his veins shone in a darker green tone. “Your choice.”

“It’s something I invented and keeps me alive.”

Loki came closer.

Ah well. This was certainly not the way how Tony would get Loki to listen to him. A big “Nope” to this loop. It’s only number thirty if he hadn’t miscounted. There would be other loops again. And again. It was his only certainty in life left. Tomorrow when he woke up again the sight of the gloomy cave would greet him anew. It was as certain as that the loops would continue. He _had_ said it was the only certainty, hadn’t he?

“It’s a wonder,” Loki mumbled almost reverently.

Tony opened his eyes. He didn’t know he’d closed them.

“It’s not _true magic_ ,” Loki continued and a pale, slender finger was tapping against the arc reactor. “But it’s a marvel nonetheless.” His eyes shone in the bright blue light in a toxic turquoise. “How did you manage to accomplish such a feat, Mortal?”

“The name is Tony.” He grinned and then patted Loki’s cold finger. “Are you freezing? Because honestly, you are a bit colder than an average human. Or is that a Norse god thing?”

In the next moment Loki had his fingers wrapped around Tony’s throat and _squeezed_. And squeezed some more and _–_

_Not again._

“Do _not_ presume to know me, _Tony_ ,” Loki spat and his fingers dug forcefully into Tony. His fingers tightened as Tony tried to find footing _somewhere_ , even on Loki’s goddamn jacket if it had to be and tried to pry his fingers open –

His air became _thin_ –

He was –

“Be glad that I’m too intrigued by your _magic_ as that I would kill you.”

He hit the ground forcefully.

 _Air_ – fucking _AIR._

“Are you _mad_?” Tony wheezed out and tried to get more of the good stuff in his lungs. Because Loki _must_ be mad. Fucking hell.

When Tony looked up again, Loki was gone. No surprise.

Really.

It wasn’t.

He had predicted this loop wouldn’t be the one, hadn’t he?

**30?**

Here he was again. Saved Yinsen’s life, saved Gulmira, saved his own, saved Pepper’s love life, saved Rhodey from a boring career as soldier in the military, saved Fury from growing desperate because of him, saved someone else, saved Whiplash from whatever, maybe the bad air on Monaco’s raceway, didn’t save Hammer from being an idiot and neither saved Obadiah from jail.

Loki came, stayed for a second, threw a knife his way because Tony startled him – how he managed that would forever be a mystery to him –

So he was standing there next to Mjolnir and there was a knife stuck in his shoulder.

Lovely.

**31, then.**

Maybe he shouldn’t laugh when he saw Loki’s dumbstruck face when he just patted him on the shoulder. But he couldn’t help himself and he was shaking so much, his face _hurt_ and tears were running down his face. Everything _hurt_ , everything _screamed_ and it wasn’t even that funny as it was to him but –

He couldn’t stop and his stomach hurt and his mouth felt stretched and –

He was a disaster.

He couldn’t take anything serious anymore.

Loki’s eyes simply grew bigger by the minute and it became more hilarious than it already was.

Tony couldn’t stop laughing. Not even when Loki disappeared on him but honestly, the expression –

Too good.

**30+2.**

“Stark?”

“Yes.” Tony yawned into the face of the soldier who blocked the way to Mjolnir.

“I can’t let you go in when you’re drunk.”

“Why not?” Tony chuckled. “What do you think is going to happen? That I use the handle for _other_ purposes than intended?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not nice, saying that just to my face. Even if it’s kinky.” Tony tilted his head. “You know what, if you don’t want me in there, you’ll have to shoot me. And you know what? Even when you do, I’ll show up here again.” He smiled.

Then walked past the soldier and stumbled straight into Loki.

“You are _so pretty_ , did anyone ever tell you that?”

Loki blinked.

“And the guard outside wants to me to use the hammer as dildo so I guess, either you or I go first.”

Another blink.

“Yes, I’m sure you can smell the alcohol. But no, I’m not drunk. _Honestly_ , I only drank a bit, not even much when we’re talking about me.” He patted Loki’s jacket and then walked straight to Mjolnir.

Why not? It wasn’t like anybody would remember tomorrow after all. And the ridges –

 _Maybe_ he should have listened to JARVIS and _not_ taken the pills after drinking one or two, maybe even four, glasses of scotch. His head was thinking _things_ he normally would never do. _Nope_.

He pulled off his jacket, it was too hot in here anyway. Nobody stopped him. Loki actually even _caught_ his jacket. What a gentleman.

“Thanks.”

No reply. Only well, _stunned_ silence.

Was Loki really going to stay there and be silent?

He turned his head to the Norse god who didn’t do anything besides blinking and looking like Tony was a Fata Morgana or something comparatively in Norse god land.

He’d only just started to strip his shoe off when the soldier came running in and started _shooting._

Like, really shooting. Bullets were flying through the air and somehow, they were penetrating Tony’s skin but he was long enough conscious to see Loki ripping the soldier apart. In the air.

Like it was no big deal.

Kind of hot.

And disturbing.

He hadn’t even asked Loki if he could help him out.

Shit.


	5. Chapter 5

**33.**

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

Tony was busy with work.

Eat, sleep, work.

Repeat.

“Do you ever do something stupid, Yinsen?”

“Am I not talking to you, Stark?” A wink.

He laughed at that and patted Yinsen’s shoulder.

Eat, sleep, work.

Repeat.

“I’ve missed you, Platypus.”

“Next time you’re going in my fun-vee.”

Sleep, wash, eat, sleep.

Repeat.

“Don’t react, but the Ten Rings made it clear that there’s a mole in the company.”

Eat, sleep, work.

Repeat.

“Yeah I’d say most countries are five to ten years away. Hammer Industries – 20.”

“I’d like to point out that the test pilot survived.”

Eat. Sleep. Getting drunk.

“She has a _flamethrower?”_

Sleep a last time before –

“Hey there, Loki.”

 _Change_.

“Who are you?”

“Someone who is curious.”

Change.

“I need –“

 _Green shimmer_.

Alone.

Bed.

Scotch.

Repeat.

**Repeat.**

“Halle-“

“-you, Platypus.”

“Tony?”

“ _Sir?”_

“-a mole in the company.”

“Tony, Obadiah _is_ in jail.”

_What?_

“What?”

“He’s been there for weeks. Tony, are you _all right_?”

“Bad dream, that’s all.”

No energy to go to space.

Sleep.

“Yeah, I’d say five to ten cou–“

 _Where was he_?

Tony woke up with a silent scream on his lips. His hands were grabbing for something to hold onto, his nails were scratching over a smooth material he didn’t know what it was –

Everything was dark around him.

His chest was glowing in blue.

“JARVIS?” he gasped. “ _JARVIS?”_

No reply.

He was alone.

Was he in the cave? Again?

Had he missed Loki? Had he?

Was it too late for him?

It had barely been May? June was three weeks away?

Where –

“Dum-E?”

There were no whirring sounds.

“U? Are you here, buddy?”

The ground beneath him opened and swallowed him whole –

He was _falling_ –

The ground felt cold beneath him. Tony woke up with a gasp, groaned and rolled over on his back.

A white ceiling stared back at him.

“ _Sir.”_

“JARVIS?” he croaked quietly.

“ _Sir. Please, can I –“_

“What happened?”

_“You initiated the Hermit Protocol and muted me. Sir, don’t –“_

“What the fuck did I _do_ last night?”

_“You took LSD, Sir.”_

“Ah. Shit.”

“ _Indeed.”_

“So uhm. How close was I to dying this time?”

“ _Too close.”_

“Ah.”

He continued to stare at the ceiling. Then, “End Protocol Hermit, J. And call Rhodey. I think I ne—”

With that he leant to the side and vomited over the floor.

 **]** **∞** **[**

It had been his wake-up call. Sort of.

Tony didn’t know how to stop his brain from _thinking_ and imagining things. There were eyes on him everywhere. There were heavy footsteps following him wherever he went, never stopped, always walked around, so close and yet, so far –

Rhodey’s shadow was _too close_ , nobody paid attention to him _apparently_ but he knew, he knew they were watching him. SHIELD, that idiot Hammer, Whiplash, Romanoff –

Everyone was, there were no exceptions.

“JARVIS, engage protocol E.L.I.T.H.E.”

 _“Sir, I cannot allow you to go into solitude again._ ”

“They want the suits.”

“ _Sir, you are experiencing side-effects from cocaine. This is_ not _real_.”

“It’s not real?”

“ _No_.”

“Oh.”

Well, if it was not real then was it not time to wake up?

**Fifty-two.**

The air in the cave was cold. Humid. The blanket was thin, and he was freezing. He was _back_. With a mind reset, that’s what it did feel like. A short dumping in the toilet, only to shake the water off; but never getting rid of the smell. A short respite before the bullies would get him again, let him taste the water again or hit him where it would hurt. Until there was blood flowing or bones broken, no rest until someone was hurt and damaged, there was no _stop_. He had to concentrate. He couldn’t allow himself another misstep and _fuck up_. It was time to start focusing again – if he even could still do that.

So, what if he had to wait another 6 months for Loki to show up?

What if he was feeling like he was dying? When everything started to feel too small around him and he was convinced that –

“Hallelujah,” he said and Yinsen responded with his usual, “Stark.”

He had to take care _not_ to let his mind drift even when the usual conversations happened. Maybe he should text Pepper more and make sure he wasn’t … _alone_ when that mood hit again. Or call Rhodey to talk with him about the suit. He had to take better care of himself, didn’t he? He wouldn’t leave this groundhog madder than he already was. Hadn’t he promised himself that a while ago? Had he?

_Then why had he broken that promise?_

Because sometimes those phases needed to be there to understand how things worked and to bring him to his limits? When nobody knew how you were doing or you forgot and had the money, then it was easier to find an escape in _other things_. Everything felt so far away. So very, very, far away. Had he really tried to –

It was good that he hadn’t done that. He wasn’t sure if he could look at the hammer with the same eyes again though. It was not something to be ashamed about, especially not when you were Tony Stark but _really_. There were better things to use as a dildo than a freaking antiquity that was used mainly to hurt others. A battle weapon; how far had he sunken?

He had to find something in the loops that wouldn’t lead him … that way again.

It scared him. How quick it all happened. How easily he’d let himself fall into the dark abyss and became worse and worse, hadn’t even tried to fight anymore in the new loop, just given up from the start. Never again.

 **]** **∞** **[**

He escaped with Yinsen in his metallic arms, fires were blazing beneath them and he clutched Rhodey tight when he found them wandering in the desert again.

He washed his face carefully in the base, rubbed the grime away and all the sand that was apparently _everywhere_ off.

Then Tony tried to do it _better_. The loops were not a game, not like he had thought in the beginning. It was serious. This was about his _life_ here, he was talking about. He needed to stop to think it was something he could easily do _anew_ because maybe one day, he wouldn’t wake up again. There was no guarantee the loops didn’t end when his _natural lifespan_ was over. If he calculated this roughly, then he’d been trapped in the loops now for at least _fourteen years_.

A wonder actually, that it had taken him so long to snap. He was in theory around 52 years even when he still was in the body of a 38-year-old and had no injuries or experienced other side-effects of aging. It was time to get out of here. The sooner the better. But not only should he take the loops more serious, also _Loki_ should be approached in a different manner.

Seriously. Loki was going through a difficult time: he was bidding his brother “goodbye” for fuck’s sake and Tony thought it was a good idea to hit on him or make jokes? No. Loki was on Earth for _business_. Perhaps he should go up to him like one would approach a business partner. With a serious tone, only jokes on the side to lighten the mood and hope his inner Pepper was going to be proud of him.

He thought he was a grown-up? It was time to prove his claim.

He’d taken revenge so often on the Ten Rings, he didn’t feel any pleasure any more at that. Only dread because it’s become normal to him.

Obadiah’s trials were spurred on when Tony dug out all the things he knew from his other loops and by that made it easier to … _find_ certain things easier. It was like magic.

The Avengers were an idea that maybe one day would be needed. He might not approve of all of SHIELD’s methods but that was a secret agency and he’d take care of it when the loops were over. Not everything at once. Step by step.

He repaired Coulson’s car again and they made it to New Mexico with a delay of only two hours because Tony reminded Agent gently of the duties awaiting them. JARVIS sent him a proud message with a heavily sarcastic undertone that his Sir was finally growing up.

Well, he was. Mostly. He’d still gone to space because why not and finally made his Mark VII. A beautiful baby and he took it with him to New Mexico, racing Agent to the base.

Yes, he was a grown-up, thanks for asking.

Tony tried to focus on the more funny and good parts of this loop; it wasn’t easy but not all too difficult either. He could do this. Pull this through and then rest in his bed and celebrate the ending.

When Loki shimmered into appearance at 2:13pm, Tony politely – yeah, he was a bit surprised at himself as well – and cleared his throat.

“Mr Loki?”

Business talk. Business partner. Business talk.

Loki stopped in his way.

Tony put his sunglasses away.

“I can’t see without putting my sunglasses on but I have the feeling you won’t like me wearing them,” Tony began and stepped a bit forward. He smiled. “The name is Tony Stark. Am I correct in thinking I’m talking here to Loki, god of Mischief and Chaos?”

There was the sound of someone breathing quietly.

“Please. If you have a minute, I would love to talk with you about something urgent.”

“Urgent.” Loki became visible to his boring human eyes. “Mr Stark. I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure yet.”

“I had, multiple times actually. I made some intimate acquaintances with one of your knives, didn’t have the pleasure yet to talk to you for real. Something always came in between.”

Loki frowned. “I can’t remember you.”

“Of course not.” Tony’s mouth twitched. “And that’s why I have to ask you about something. There’s something wrong with –“

“ _Me_?” Loki hissed and his whole demeanour changed from one second to the next.

“No. With _me_.” Tony held his hand out for a shake.

Loki continued to level him with a cold stare. It was unsettling. A bit.

“Please.”

Loki _hesitated_. Then his eyes landed on Tony’s hand, his own and –

He left.

 _The hand_? Did Loki seriously leave because of the hand?

“If you don’t want to shake hands, that’s fine.” Tony chuckled because he wasn’t – well, he couldn’t be sure if Loki had really left, had he? “I don’t want to insult you on accident by breaking a Norse taboo or something. If I did, I apologise.”

 _There_.

An almost silent step in the sand.

“It’s a shame you chose to turn invisible again,” Tony said and wandered closer to the hammer, trying not to show Loki only his shoulder. “Such a pretty face shouldn’t be hidden.” _There, he’d done it again._

A bitter snort from his audience.

“I’m not joking,” Tony added and grinned. “Really man. The green eyes and the cheekbones? Are you even aware how handsome you are? If we weren’t here in a fucking SHIELD base, I’d ask you out for a dinner. Or a ride in or on my suit. I get the feeling cars wouldn’t be of all too much interest to you and I wouldn’t wish to bore you on our date.”

“Are you always this flirtatious?” Loki asked him with a smirk, standing opposite of Tony behind the hammer.

“Only with you.” Tony winked at him in an exaggerated manner. “But we could also blow up this base. Do you think that would make the hammer fly or it would stay rooted to the ground because the explosion is _not worthy_?”

“You’re bringing up an interesting point.” Loki’s glare lessened, became considerably softer. “Do you wish to find out?”

“You know, I would _love to_.”

Loki looked at him calmly, not blinking at all only _looked_. “You are an interesting mortal, are you not, Stark?”

“Call me Tony.”

“Perhaps later.” There was a bitter twist on Loki’s face. “Then tell me how you wish to let the base explode, Chaos bringer.”

“With lots of fire, a loud _BOOM_ and us drinking to it with a glass of champagne.”

“While I appreciate the drink, you still didn’t answer the question how you would –“

“Easy.” Tony rolled his shoulders back and laughed. “My AI is rooted deeply into SHIELD’s systems by now. They aren’t aware he’s in it yet and he could easily trigger something. Did you know that they’re cooking with gas here?”

“Now I am.”

“That’s all I need.” Tony winked at him. “So gorgeous, do we have a date?”

Tony was sure that he had Loki eating out of his hand by now. Making a lot of compliments multiple times but never too many at once, that seemed to do the trick. Maybe Loki didn’t get as many compliments up there in godland like he should. Wasn’t he a prince and be used to all that attention?

“You don’t even have to change the outfit,” Tony added and held out his hand again. The other one, this time. “You look impeccable as you are. Did you know that I was waiting for you and chose this suit because of me?”

“No.” Loki took his hand slowly.

“You’re always dressing up so nicely, then? I like my men to look good.”

“ _Stark_ -“

“It’s Tony.” He shook his head in faked disappointment. “Really, just say Tony. Stark was my father and I don’t need to be associated with him more than I already am.”

He shouldn’t have mentioned his dad. Because in that precise moment Loki stiffened and his hand slid from Tony’s.

“I have duties awaiting me,” Loki said sternly and flicked dust from his suit. “Perhaps another time, Tony.”

“Sure. Feel free –“ Loki disappeared in a green shimmer, “-to drop by whenever you want.”

There was no reply this time and when Tony pulled on his sunglasses again, he was alone in the room.

“Next time I’ll have to ask Agent or Natasha how to crack such a nutjob,” Tony mumbled but with a fond undertone in his voice.

The talk with Loki had been pleasant. Refreshing. The small twinge of uncertainty in Loki when Tony flirted with him for a bit, seeming almost shy and not used to such attention.

For the next time he would not try to shake Loki’s hand or mention his father. That was easy. And no ice, either, not after how Loki had reacted the last time.

Compliments, going straight in for the kill and flatter the prince’s pants away. _Then_ ask him or get him to listen to his story. It was a wonder he’d never managed to do that so far.

“JARVIS?”

“ _Yes Sir?”_

“Call Rhodey.”

He waited a few moments until his Platypus answered the phone.

“ _Tony!”_

“Listen, how to best make someone listen to me without insulting them and kind of everything is a landmine?”

“ _Are you seriously asking_ me _for advice_?”

“Yes.”

“ _I think_ ,” Rhodey said slowly, _“just try to be yourself. Remember when I introduced you to my mom? That should work. Just be yourself. And more polite if you can be bothered?”_

“Did she like me then? I thought she was going to kill me.”

 _“She loved you from the moment I told her that you are a snorer in your sleep_.”

“I don’t snore though.”

 _“You do._ ” Rhodey chuckled. “ _Good luck with whoever you’re trying to get the number from, Tones.”_

“Thanks, buddy.”

_“Always. How’s New Mexico at this time of the year anyway?”_

“Lovely. I recommend a visit to your best friend urgently. There might be scotch hidden in his bag.”

_“On a spy base? Alcohol? Tony, you know that’s not the best way to get into SHIELD’s good grades.”_

“Whoever said that I wanted to do that?” He grinned and wrapped the blanket tighter around him. It felt warm and comfortable around him. It was from Malibu because he saw no need to despair with SHIELD’s thin ones.

“ _You. But all right, I have to go.”_

“Thanks again.”

_“No problem.”_

And that was how this loop ended for Tony.

He didn’t mind.

**Again.**

And again.

Yinsen, cave. Escape, Rhodey. Obadiah, Pepper, Jail, Gulmira, Arc reactor.

Or something like that.

June 2nd was approaching rapidly and Tony could not _wait_ for the day to be there.

He knocked again and cleared his throat, pulled his sunglasses up.

“Hi, I’m Tony Stark also known as Iron Man also known as the DaVinci of our time. I’m just telling you because I can’t see you without my sunglasses on.”

“ _Stark_ ,” Loki mused. He became visible and studied Tony closely. “You don’t look like one of the people working here.”

“Because I’m not. I’m more of a consultant.” Tony shrugged and stepped closer, bowed his head lightly to Loki. _Yep_ , he’d finally managed to read a book on etiquette on bowing or kneeling was somehow always involved. But he would not _kneel_. Bowing was okay though.

When he looked up again Loki’s eyes were bigger than usual; his mouth slightly agape. A small blush was spreading on his cheeks.

“Can I request an audience with you?”

“So formal,” Loki said quietly. “What do you want from me, Stark?”

“Your help. And a date, if possible.”

“A _date_.” Loki sounded icier than usual.

“Too early, wasn’t it? My mouth sometimes just runs off and my brains stays behind and gets angry.” Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “All right. How did I fuck this up so majorly _again_?”

Loki remained silent but Tony noticed that his fingers were twitching _again_. Almost like he was a breath away from summoning a dagger into his hand. He couldn’t let that happen.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t often deal with royalty and when I do, they have been warned of my brash nature. Or Pepper smooths the harsh tides over and I’ll go and flirt the hurt away. It’s a gift of mine.”

“Is it. You have still not told me what you want from me, Stark.”

“Your help. I really, really need your help and I know you’re probably very busy with kinging on godland and all that-“

“It’s Asgard,” Loki interrupted him. “Not godland. And how do you know –“

“That you’re the king of it?” _Better now than never._ “Someone as talented and gorgeous as you can only be the king.”

“Liar.” Loki squinted.

“Never.”

Silence.

“You aren’t lying.” Loki frowned at him. “Why aren’t you _lying?”_

“Because I see no reason to lie.”

“But _why_ –“

“I need your help. Why the fuck should I lie to achieve that?” Tony stared at Loki. He hadn’t done anything wrong, had he?

Loki deflated on his spot. He looked – _old_. Despite the youthful face that he wore. He appeared like the weight of godland was resting on his shoulders and so much more.

“I’m sorry,” Tony offered in a quiet voice. “I know that there must be a lot going on in your life right now and this is incredible selfish from me but I –“

Loki shook his head. “No. I came here for Mjölnir, not for you. As much as I am intrigued by your presence, I have duties that I need to look after first.”

Aaaaaand that was it with this loop, Tony realised with a smile. Loki would not help him here out either.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Aren’t you a Trickster?” Tony smiled broader as despair was attempting to tear his heart open anew and flooded his brain, waves of desperation dragging him down. “Don’t you know that it’s always better to smile in the face of your doom than to cry?”

A slow nod. Loki’s jacket fell open and there was a new twinge of bitterness in his eyes. “It is a shame that we have to meet here under these circumstances, Stark.”

“Tony.”

 _“Tony._ ”

He said his name like he was tasting chocolate, slowly and carefully, a treat for everybody and the taste a lingering sin. A shiver ran down Tony’s back, goosebumps started to build on his arms. He smiled broader at Loki and held out a hand.

“What is it with you Midgardians and hand shaking,” Loki mumbled quietly but reached for it nonetheless. His grip was cold but firm, long fingers reaching easily around Tony’s hand.

“I could also kiss you, if that’s what you’d prefer.”

“Next time, perhaps.” Loki chuckled, an intense look in his eyes. “When this is done, I will visit you, _Tony_ , and do my best to help you.”

 _What_. “Why?”

A smile on thin lips, getting more sly the second.

 _Trickster_.

“Because I intend to treat people well who know how to act around a king, even if their mouths run away with them.” And with that Loki left, a few green sparkles being left behind – on purpose, Tony would bet that tickled on his skin.

 _Next time, perhaps_.

Tony patted Mjolnir’s handle then wandered off to his bunker. He couldn’t get Loki’s voice out of his head, the way he said Tony’s name and the sudden mood shifts that actually seemed to pay out in Tony’s favour this time.

Tomorrow he’d start anew.

 **]** **∞** **[**

The bedding beneath him was _soft_. The air was not cold and harsh, he could not hear someone _breathing_. There was no glooming yellow shine around him only darkness. The blanket atop him felt thicker, there were more pillows and –

He wore _shorts_.

“Hallelujah?”

_“Good morning, Sir. It is June the 3 rd. It is 6AM. The weather here in New Mexico is 23 Degrees, there will be no rain today but the wind is perfect for a flight in the Mark VII.”_

“It’s June 3rd?”

“ _Yes Sir. I just said that.”_

“That date doesn’t exist,” Tony mumbled. “Nope. It hasn’t for a while now.”

“ _Sir_.” 

“Mute, JARVIS.”

June 3rd went by.

June 4th approached.

June 5th didn’t happen because Tony woke up in a cave again.

**Not June 5 th. **

There were moments Tony wondered about life and moments where he didn’t. This here was probably a point where he should wonder. But he was stuck in a fucking groundhog movie that no one seemed to bother to direct. He had made Loki _talk_ to him and promise him to help him out with his problem. The days had continued. For him it was obvious that he was on the right path and about to be free of this all. Loki was his fucking solution.

Which meant that his brain was working and that etiquette seemed to be key to Loki’s heart. No surprise considering he was prince of a fucking _godland_ and was king. Maybe he should address Loki as King Loki? Or was that too obvious? Loki had already been so surprised that he hadn’t _lied_ to get a favour of him which made Tony wonder for a bit.

And there was this small part of his brain that made him wonder how events would have played out had he pulled Loki down for a kiss. Just a small brush of lips against another.

So no, he wasn’t going to ponder about life because that was all obvious for him.

He was going to think about Loki instead. For a moment Tony just let his eyes stay closed and envisioned the tall, pale Norse god whose voice was still resonating in his ears.

With all the loops going on and his life being a repetitive mess, an arc reactor stuck in his chest that was kind of important for his continued existence and him trying to do better – which apparently included swearing off his playboy days because who knew with strangers, right? And Tony had a difficult time to trust them nowadays. Not that he’d trusted them before but he had been less cautious, less aware of the danger they could pose to him.

Even when JARVIS would never let anything happen to him. It was simply that –

Tony also didn’t _want to_ go back to how he used to be before the cave. There was a reason life put him _here_ and not to Las Vegas, for example shortly before he’d started his trip.

But –

He missed having sex. Or just kissing someone, the feel when everything became blurry inside of his head and it was getting warm and all he had to do was to let instincts and moans guide him and he simply could _forget_ everything around he was a bit obsessed with sex, he knew that. Just, a tiny little bit, it was a ventil for him to get blank in his head and to make place for new things. That was how some new ideas were born. And he could let out frustration of course.

And it was fun.

Mostly.

There were also some disappointing cases but well –

And then Loki had to say his name _like that_ , that almost purr he had going on there, their _conversation._

_“I could also kiss you, if that’s what you’d prefer.”_

_“Next time, perhaps.”_

Good. It was next time.

He had made it to June 4th. Maybe he could get a small kiss out of this loop. Just for the fun of it. Right?

“Hallelujah.”

“Stark?”

And there it started again. Wasn’t it lovely like that? A new adventure, a new day, et cetera et cetera, seize the day and all that.

Frankly, Tony just wanted to go back to sleep and uh, have a moment for himself alone and his thoughts.

Yup.

That.

Basically everything again, there was no need to rehears it all. Tony knew everything, he was waddling through old and familiar water here, the same people, the same conversations. The only change was that _someone_ was very prominently on his mind.

It was not like he’d fallen in love with the guy from one moment to the next. Only his obsession had shifted a bit into a different direction and Tony. Did. Not. Mind. At. All.

Loki’s sparkles were a vivid picture and sensation he liked to remember, the pale face flushing and Tony cooing a hoarse but soft, “my prince,” when he still had enough wits in him when he gripped himself tighter and let his other hand wander up and down, tweaked his nipples and pictured intense green eyes bore into his, observing his every action and _reaction_.

_I could also kiss you._

The pale, dexterous fingers that knew how to _handle_ hard things, sure and quick in their movements, coaxing his own name from the slender lips and Tony’s hips were bucking as he pictured himself serving his prince, his saviour to be.

 _Next time, perhaps_.

He wanted it again, the chuckled admission after the conversation that had almost gone wrong and Tony refused to see it as a failure. Bolts of lust crashed through him as he pictured Loki bowing over him, his quick tongue doing _things_ and a raw admission of want from him when his hand joined Tony’s, rubbing him until Tony could only gasp and came over himself.

_Oh shit._

He might have a minor problem at hand.

Not _in_ his hand though. That wasn’t minor.

And not suited for minors either.

He snorted out loud and wiped his hand clean. “ _Why_ am I so hilarious.”

“ _I wouldn’t call this hilarious, Sir.”_

“Oh, shut it, JARV,” Tony said amused. “What date is it again?”

“ _June the first.”_

“Oh, _good_.”

Tomorrow was going to be Loki Day.

Tony was excited. He waited for Loki’s sudden appearance and then the bastard appeared out of the nowhere.

He pulled his sunglasses up. “Is now next time?”

No reaction.

“No, nononononono.” Tony groaned, hitting himself on the forehead. “This is not. Of course you don’t remember.”

 _Right_. Lapse number one, the first time in a long time. _Focus,_ he thought and bit his lip.

“Prince Loki?”

Oooh, there was the sharp inhale coming from someone else. Someone who stood a few feet away from him and shimmered slowly into appearance.

_You dramatic shit._

Tony grinned at Loki in front of him. This was never getting boring. It was only ever exciting and something to look forward to, seeing how Loki would react to this or that and _yes_ , Tony forgot on purpose what he’d said last time. He didn’t want to repeat this.

He wanted to figure out Loki.

“I need your help.”

An elegant eyebrow rose at that.

“Silent treatment?” Tony chuckled at that. He walked over to Mjolnir and tugged at the handle. It didn’t move at all. “Sometimes I think lifting the hammer might be easier than to talk with you.”

“Do you?” Loki asked coldly.

“Why, yes. At least I know the hammer will never respond to me. You though? You are a surprise and delight to meet every time again. Either you kill me or you tell me the sweetest things, or you let me beg – it’s something new, never the same.”

“You speak like we have met before.”

“Yeah, we have. Just not this loop. But we do this here always on June 2nd, at 2:13pm. I am amused how punctual you are each time. A wonder that Thor doesn’t try to stop you-“

“Why should _Thor_ wish to _stop me_ ,” Loki hissed and was suddenly –

Very, very close in Tony’s personal space.

“Because you’re his brother?”

“I am _not_ his brother.”

“Ah, the uncle then?”

“Do you think this is a joking matter, mortal?”

“Reflex. Someone threatens me, I do jokes.”

“I haven’t started on the threats yet.”

“Oh, so that what you’re pressing against me is _not_ a knife but a different hard and steely matter? Good to know. I haven’t tried a handjob on someone else in a while, you might have to forgive my rusty fingers there a bit but I promise, I can do better with my tongue anyway. Do you want me to show you?”

Loki squinted then stepped back, his face a blank mask.

“Aww.” Tony pouted, then shrugged. “Listen, all jokes aside. I really need your help though. Shouldn’t be all too difficult for you either.”

“Really.”

“Really.” Tony gave him a broad smile. “So. You’ll listen?”

Loki disappeared without a further comment.

Ah well.

 _Fuck_.

**Still not June 5 th. **

It was simple another minor setback. Nothing overly big, just a chance for Tony to try again. He was doing _perfectly all right_. In no way at all did he feel like he was despairing and tried to distract himself from getting drunk again. _Again._ What wouldn’t Tony give for a moment where his head shut up for a minute and let him do this _in peace_.

Yes, it was ironic to say that considering he used to be the Merchant of Death but –

It had been going so well the last loops. The end had seemed so near, like he only had to reach out with his hand a bit like others do when they’re driving and put their hands up in the air, cold strong touches rubbing against their skin and it felt like the wind was gripping their fingers, tried to pull them up further, wanted to make you fly with them and show you the wonders of seeing everything from above. Tony loved flying. His heartbeat sped up, a grin was pulling on his face and his suit was an extra limb he’d grown himself – a perfect symbiosis of man and machine, one brain, one catalyst, no stop –

But the fall. There was a controlled fall where speed was starting to become terrifying but Tony knew that JARVIS did his calculations quick, quicker than him and that he would not _crash_ , that he’d arrive home safely and in one piece.

And then there was the free fall.

It was pure horror.

No stop to it, no end, no control over anything, a plummet to death and –

This here felt like it. He was falling from his stars, downwards to the abyss again that was more than happy to accept him back and licked its teeth already for a new meal. Tony didn’t want to go back there; he was doing _better_. Loki was already more approachable and _everything_ – he was doing _good_. Why did nobody see that, nobody being whatever made him loop again and again?

Tremors ran through his body, his forehead glistening with sweat and his eyes were pinched together tightly, tears leaking out of them. He didn’t want _this_. He had never in any way, asked for this.

“Jay–“

_“Sir–“_

He took a shuddering breath, more tears falling in a rapid manner. He gripped his legs, pulled them up and hid his face between them. If he made himself smaller maybe it would pass him this time and let him simply _continue._ Nothing could convince him to take a step forward currently. It felt like he was being drowned in bad thoughts and while he _knew_ that he was being irrational, that he simply had to _get up and continue –_

His legs were made of marble, his body chained to the floor and the weight of his head pulled him forwards, down to the ground, closer and closer to the abyss he wanted to escape. Would he ever get out of this? Would Loki _listen_? He needed him, more than air to be freed from this curse because it was nothing else than that – even when there were nice moments but they all –

Were so far away from him, a fading memory, a photograph that was growing old and dusted away in an album and the faces weren’t detailed anymore, everything vintage and _yellow_ –

“I –“

He gasped and tried to get himself together.

_“Sir. Pl–“_

A part of Tony didn’t want to hear JARVIS. Didn’t want to know what clever thing he’d tell him because he was here suffering and it was so much easier to help and say things from the outside, not knowing how it felt to be _here_ , in his place; the world was out for his hide, that was how it felt and the universe wanted to see him go mad.

And he was _dependent on a single person._ Who gave _no fuck about him_.

A dry sob escaped him, shaky fingers were raking thorough his hair, nails scratching over his scalp painfully. _This_ must be what it felt like to be on the other side of the pool, having drawn the shorter stick. No money would impress Loki, maybe his charms but certainly not his playboy ways. That he was _Tony Stark_ , that he made himself a name as _Iron Man_ , all that wouldn’t matter to him. A freaking Norse god who was _king._ What did it matter to an alien that Tony had privatised world peace, what inventions he made? That he had created the first sentient AI that evolved itself and had _feelings_? What did that all matter?

For Loki he could be nothing more than an ant, crawling in the dust, searching him out for a favour that was expected to be fulfilled. What did that matter to _Loki_? He wouldn’t gain anything from this. He could continue this for ages because he wouldn’t remember.

 _Humanity_ was trapped in this because Tony was too stupid to break this course on his own. What would ever become of the world when Tony failed and one day, wouldn’t wake up again? _What then_?

_“–breath in on square numbers.”_

Breathing –

It was almost too difficult to even get enough air in his lungs the way he was smothering his face in his trousers and now he was supposed to breath on time?

It stressed him almost out even more.

Everything was dark around him, there were a few lights dancing behind his eyelids but it was mostly dark and his eyebrows started to hurt from the way he was furrowing them. He could feel tension growing inside of his head; stress and anxiety were choking him with thick fingers, pressing and cutting his air supply off, the material of his pants rubbing harsh against his head.

This was never going to end.

He was stuck –

And JARVIS asked him to breathe in.

And an even darker blackness hugged Tony.

 **]** **∞** **[**

June the 2nd came and with it, a bad mood.

“No, listen,” was the first thing that tumbled from his mouth as Loki arrived at 2:13. Tony didn’t even look at his watch. “You don’t know me, but I know you. You won’t care but I need your help. Desperately so, even. And don’t think you can pretend you are not here, my AI tells me _exactly_ where you are.”

“Your AI?” Loki’s cool voice said after a few moments in which he’d probably tried to lift the hammer.

“Artificial Intelligence, the name is JARVIS. Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. I’m sure he’s pleased to meet you as well.”

“But you are not.” Loki shimmered into appearance, still tall and a good looking bastard, his green eyes a sea of uncontrolled emotions.

“I am not _what?”_

“Pleased to meet me, of course.” Loki shot him a sharp grin.

The man was a bundle of tense muscles, everything about him screamed “ready to attack,” and his body language strong and secure in his superiority of this ‘fight’ if Tony could even call it that. Loki stepped closer, a foot in front of the other, his walk smooth and rolling but _loud_ in the silence of SHIELD’s base.

“Don’t pull that dominating bullshit on me.” Tony rolled his eyes. “I fucking don’t care what you’re up to in your godland or not. I am aware there’s nothing in this for you unless you name me a price and _fucking hell,_ I’m at this point where I do not care what you want from me in exchange.” Tony glared up at the god who stared down at him from his nose.

He licked his lips.

A part of his brain realised how _good_ Loki smelled, a different part what a danger Loki posed to him and a complete different part of him was _pissed_. He snarled up at Loki. “And you better name it _now_ because I’m done with waiting.”

“Are you?” Loki chuckled and bowed his head down, his hands glowing green –

Then Tony couldn’t move his hands anymore.

“Foolish mortal,” Loki hissed.

“Foolish _royal ass_. Seriously did someone take a shit in your royal bed or are you just that lousy of a king that you won’t even help others when they ask you for it? I’ve been wondering about that the last few weeks. Which family in Game of Thrones is yours? The mad Targaryens or more the insane Lannisters? I’m thinking of Tywin, especially. But are you one to pay your debts I wonder. Would you think that’s a good fit for you? You both have that arrogant sneer going on and the belief that you are better than others, simply because of where you _stand_ and –“

A hand squeezed his face, nails were suddenly in his face. _Claws._

 _“Don’t_ think you can offend me and won’t have to pay for it,” Loki spat coldly in his face. “Have you Mortals forgotten how to treat gods? And how to ask for a _favour_ you so generously want and then abuse and abuse, wonder why no one will answer your silent prayers anymore?”

“I don’t –“ Tony tried to wiggle his head free but to no avail, “ _pray_. To _anyone!_ ”

“Everybody prays, deep down inside.” Loki tilted his head and studied him like he was an insect that bothered him. “And if you don’t want me to learn of what your prayers should protect you from so that I unleash your own Hel upon you, I _suggest_ strongly to take walk in these boring halls.”

“Fuck you.”

“Crude,” Loki remarked. “Run while I let you, foolish boy.” His hand squeezed a last time then he let Tony drop.

“And if you haven’t gone deaf in the last few seconds of your pitiful life, then I propose you start running _now_.”

“Running is for cowards,” Tony spat.

Loki chuckled lowly. A knife appeared in his hands, a small lithe thing that probably slit Tony’s skin up with the faintest touch. “That’s what Thor likes to think and say too. And where is he now? _Here_ , captured on Midgard with no way to go home ever again, bereft and stolen of his powers and the great Mjölnir.”

“I don’t give a _shit_ about your brother, William.”

“Run. My last warning. I did not come here with the intention to spill blood, but that can easily be remedied.”

“Oh, are we threatening now?” Tony laughed at that. “It doesn’t matter what you do, Snowflake. If you kill me, I will just come back, again and again, until one day you either kill me for real or you fucking _listen to me.”_

“Why should I listen to someone,” Loki said in a dark, low tone that made Tony want to take a step back but instead, he strove forwards, the gauntlet on his hand activated, “who _offends me_ and doubts my word?”

“Because you’re trapped with me,” Tony replied easily, “and you don’t know it yet. I might go mad here but so will you, having to deal with me over and over, and you will not remember me the next time we meet but it won’t be any less horrible for you, I promise you that.”

“A word of a Midgardian means _nothing_. Your promises are empty of meaning unless they are important to _yourself_ –“

“Yes, yes.” Tony waved him off. “Listen, I can do this all day and even shoot you, over and over, until you agree to help me. I have the time, do you?”

He sent a small blast towards Loki’s feet.

An incredulous expression washed over the pale face before it became the one of someone who deals with idiots far too often to be considered healthy. “Why should violence work on me, mortal? I can leave –“

“But you _don’t_ ,” Tony cut him off, an angry note sneaking in his voice. “You don’t leave, instead you say big things and get pissy. You don’t _want to leave,_ in truth, do you?”

“Yes, I _want to_.”

“Then why don’t you?” Tony challenged him. “Go. Leave. Show me that you really mean it all and can go without looking back. I triple dog dare you, Loki.”

“ _Menskr,_ how do you-“

“Know your name? Easy. The myths say you have red hair but honestly, your brother is _Thor_ and you are easily to anger and are jealous. What do you think I am, stupid?”

Loki frowned at that.

“I _know_ that I am an insensible bastard.” Tony’s armoured hand twitched. “My nerves are just a _little bit_ stretched right now and I kind of would like to continue the year eventually, and not always have this be the last day. Do you know how fucked up this is for me? So okay, I might –“

“Can you _stop talking –_ “

“No.” Tony shook his head. “No. Because if I stop talking, I don’t know what I’m gonna do next –“

“There’s some –“

“-And that terrifies _me._ So, talking it is.” Tony rolled his eyes before he added bitterly, “maybe you’ll actually listen this time.”

A handful of soldiers rushed into the room, their guns pointing everywhere and nowhere at once, their faces hidden by dark helmets.

 _Oh_.

“Raise your hands above the head,” one of the soldiers yelled. “You’re under arrest for shooting in a –“

“Jeez,” Tony breathed and raised his arms. “Really, guys.”

“– _Don’t_ interrupt me!”

“Then stop yelling.” Tony rolled his eyes. “I’m here as _consultant._ For _science._ That means that I have to _test a weapon out_. And you’ll find no one better suited than me.”

“Didn’t you give up on the weapon business?” The soldier spat.

“Yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not leading expert on the field of arms. Get a grip, really. Go and find a Starbucks, I’ll pay for the coffee. But don’t buy pumpkin spice, really, that shit is sharp and not as good as many think it is. The best is black coffee, plain and simple.”

“You’re carrying around an unauthorised weapon!”

“That is part of my suit and that is authorised, thank you very much. Do you ever listen to the news, T-Rex?”

The soldier faltered but Tony faltered inwardly more. A glance to the side showed him nothing. Which only meant that he was alone, once again.

Next time, yes?

**Next time.**

_Get a grip on yourself, Tony Stark and just_ tell _him what’s up._

Tony couldn’t stop cursing his own reckless past self and his stupidity. Not stupidity, per se, more the absence of a filter that tried to stop his sudden spontaneous ideas and made him think about them _first_. He knew he wasn’t the best man when it came to “think first, act later”. He always had preferred to _act_ with half of a plan, then attack and then to think about how to get himself out of the mess belatedly.

It was a fault, a flaw of his personality but it made later for some amazing stories. At least he was aware of it, and that had to count for something, right? He sure hoped so.

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

There the loop started again and Tony followed his usual routine to the smallest detail.

He could not fuck it up again. He had to try to be better so he could break free from this. He saved Yinsen, went home, made another arc reactor and exchanged it by himself. By now he had the needed practice and it got easier from time to time. Twist, pull, unlock, gently pulling the reactor out without giving himself an electrical shock and going into cardiac arrest. Then U gave him the new reactor, he put it in, turned it, lock mechanism got activated and he was free from a future palladium poisoning. Really easy.

JARVIS read him a few books on royal etiquette because Tony would do this correctly and refreshed his knowledge in Icelandic, then went on a hunt for a specialist or two on Old Norse. Fuck whoever said pronunciation was a thing – not many things were said like Tony would have said them.

But he learnt that “menskr,” as Loki had called him in the last loop, meant nothing more than “human”. Which, sweet. He already got a nickname from his Norse god. Not a very creative one but better than none, right? He had _hope_. Nicknames were for people that either annoyed you or you liked so Tony was on at least one list from Loki. He could work with that.

“No, JARVIS, I’m not going to call him _guð_.”

_“Sir, he might appreciate it.”_

“I don’t believe in gods, so I won’t call him god either.” Tony arched a brow and sank back against his chair. “Any other ideas? I’m open to calling him ‘Your Majesty’–“

 _“If you want to charm your Prince Charming, then you should not address him as Majesty,”_ JARVIS sighed. _“I thought we had that covered?”_

“Stupid. Why do so many people then believe it’s okay to say that?”

_“Misinformation.”_

Tony rolled his eyes. “Then, any other suggestions, J?”

“ _Of course.”_ JARVIS cleared his throat. _“There is also ‘Iofðungr, for prince, king.”_

“Gesundheit.”

_“Thanks, Sir. But that was the actual word.”_

“It sounded like you were attempting to pronounce a keysmash.” Tony blew a raspberry in the air. “Okay. Jodfun.”

_“No, Sir.”_

“You’re no fun, JARVIS. I’m just a poor American, trying to learn Norse and you –“

_“–Are helping you.”_

“Of course.”

_“Would I ever do something else?”_

“I don’t know. Who blocked my access to the coffee machine recently, saying that I had too much of it already in my veins?”

_“Not me, Sir.”_

“Sure, buddy.” Tony chuckled and looked at the weird word again. _Iofðungr._

He tried it again. And again. Until JARVIS said it was close enough – it probably wasn’t but his AI might have other, more important things to do after three hours of trying to do Old Norse – and Tony felt accomplished enough in his vocabulary that he could ask for Loki’s help in three days.

Yes, he might have delayed learning the correct form of addressing Loki for a bit. But he had to create his suit. And go out with Pepper and Natasha and have fun pushing them together. It was just what friends did for one another, right? Playing matchmaker and fiddling around with bracelets that _could_ turn into a suit, in case of –

Yeah, just in _case_ something would happen. Mhm.

Coulson came by, they repaired Lola, Rhodey sent him an amused “good luck with your prince!” on his phone and Tony grumbled about JARVIS being a traitor. Honestly. _Traitors_. The lot of them. He _could_ get things done if he wanted to. And now he had to make Loki listen to him.

He walked into Mjolnir’s place at 2:05pm. He had eight minutes left until Loki would appear and Tony intended to use them. He did that by slowly walking around the hammer and taking deep and measured breaths, so his heartrate went down. What he had was not _stage fright_ , it was simply a nauseous feeling of what was about to happen.

His watch was vibrating.

Loki was here.

Showtime.

“Loki?” he said slowly and _tried_ , honestly, he did try to make it sound less like _Lowkey_ , more of a Lo- _khe_ as JARVIS had helpfully told him was it pronounced correctly.

No sound. Best to continue. “Iofðdungr mín?” Because as he had told JARVIS he would not say _guð mín_ , he was an atheist, for Einstein’s sake!

Silence.

Tony stared into invisible air next to the hammer, where he hoped Loki was still standing. He tended to be there but one did never know with that bastard.

“Liði, hverju þetta sætti?”

Ehm.

“Sorry man, but I don’t understand Old Norse.” Tony chuckled and rubbed a hand over his face. “I know like three words? I just thought that would be the safest way to make you pay attention to me.”

A low chuckle was heard then Loki suddenly stood there, an amused tilt on his lips and his eyes on Tony. “I was wondering how it came that an obvious businessman like you would know my tongue.”

“Was that an insult? I feel like that was an insult.” Tony grinned and held out his hand. “Tony Stark is the name, nice to meet you.”

 _Fuck_. _Hand_.

Loki stared at it with narrowed eyes.

“I hope shaking hands is not an insult on Asgard?”

“It is not something we do,” Loki said quietly. “That is a Midgardian custom.”

“Midgardian?” Tony stared at the Norse in front of him, his head racing then, “ _Right_. Earth. Middle of something and all that. Tolkien’s Middle-earth.”

“ _Tolkien_.” A fond smile flitted over Loki’s face. “Wonderful man. What can I do for you, Tony Stark?”

“It’s that easy?” Tony blinked. “Wow. I could’ve spared myself so much _hassle_ , that’s unbelievable.”

“What do you mean?” Loki put his hands in his pockets.

“It’s just that this is one out of many, out of a long row of attempts to speak with you.”

“I do not recall a mortal trying to summon me.”

“Summon. You?” Tony groaned. “That is getting so weirdly theistic or demonic, depends on how you look at it. Can we just pretend or say that you are an alien from godland, here to pick up a hammer while leaving your brother in our care – btw, how do you feel about torture?”

“Beg your pardon?”

Tony grimaced. He hadn’t forgotten about Coulson’s words and the things that JARVIS and he had found –

He was not very happy to be associated with SHIELD, to put it mildly. Unless Fury did not know of the things that were happening straight under his nose but Tony would have to take care of that at another time.

“You just came from visiting Thor, didn’t you?”

Loki nodded slowly.

“Well, unless he opens his mouth or manages to _escape_ , _somehow_ then I am pretty sure that some people here are going to be very unhappy with his unwillingness to cooperate with them and are trying other ways.”

“They would _dare_ ,” Loki breathed, “to lay _hands_ on Thor? Lowly mortals?”

“Ah-ah.” Tony shook his finger. “Nope. Not lowly mortals here. Don’t go there. But yes, that’s the quintessence of it.”

Loki glared at him.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Tony defended himself and why was he even doing that? He had _not_ said it was going to be him who’d do that to Thor. The opposite actually. There had been a few words about a miraculous escape so – Loki should not glare at him like that. Tony refused to let himself be bullied into submission like that.

“I am sorry, liði,” Loki said slowly. “I have to teach those mortals a lesson first, then I can come to your aid.” A dark look came over Loki’s face and Tony stepped back when Loki in front of him transformed.

Gone was the finely cut jacket and the scarf, the polished shoes and the curious look on his face. Instead there was now what Tony could only call a prince, wearing his outfit and had –

Well, he had fucking horns on his helmet.

It _did_ look a bit menacingly when Loki stared down at him like that; with his dark green eyes and a sinister smirk on his lips.

“I would advise you to run, mín liði.” Loki’s voice was gentle, almost tender when he spoke to him. “I would not wish to see you harmed.”

Ah. Okay. So. But others would be harmed?

“Look–“

“Run. _Now_.”

Tony ran. He was not stupid and he had better things to do than to die again because of Loki. And this time he had the feeling, it would not be because Loki was startled by him or anything. It was simply because some idiots thought they could get away with _threatening_ a fucking Norse god with torture.

Was SHIELD a bit stupid?

Yep. Definitely.

And Tony felt a twinge of regret when he saw the base explode in fire behind him because not all the people in there did know what was going on other SHIELD levels but –

Tony had the distinctive feeling they’d all be alive tomorrow again.

Somehow he couldn’t see the loop continue running when so many people died and it wasn’t clear yet –

Loki appeared in front of him, under his arm Thor. Who looked at his brother with a big grin.

“I think your hammer just flew in the air,” Tony said amused as he stared at the debris flying over their hands. Loki created a green shield around them that was hopefully there to stop the debris from killing them. That was nice of Loki, actually. To extend that protection to him as well and they didn’t really know another well, did they?

“Mjölnir flew?” Thor’s head whipped around. “ _Without me?”_

Loki broke out into laughter. “No, Thor. It merely –“

“It’s probably still standing where it was a few minutes ago. Explosion’s not worthy and all that.” Tony shrugged. “So. I see you got your brother out.”

“ _Of course._ ” Loki sounded almost affronted. “Why ever would I let him stay in there?”

“I don’t know.” Tony shrugged. “I don’t have a sibling but I always heard that they’re trying to kill another.”

“Trying,” Loki said, almost tender, “but not succeeding in it. There’s a difference, liði.”

 _“Liði?”_ Thor asked astonished and turned to Tony. “You are one of Loki’s?”

“I am _what_? Sorry buddy, I’m my own person, not one of –“ He pointed at Loki. “His whatever.”

“A follower.”

“I’m an atheist, thanks.”

“Brother–“

Tony cut in because he did not like the way Loki’s eyes narrowed _again_. It was almost a dead-sure give away by now that Loki was about to say something bad or was going to be bad. Not that _being bad_ was always a bad thing, Tony liked his occasional bad boy trips too.

“How about you,” he pointed at Thor, “are going to the base and take a look at your hammer? Who knows maybe it needed a small explosion so that it can be lifted again. And I’ll talk with your brother in the meantime about what I wanted from him originally and should your hammer still not be liftable, we’re going to find a place for you to stay where nobody is going to try to kill you. Or torture you. Yes?”

Blue eyes rested on him thoughtfully. Then he nodded. “Enjoy your talk. I won’t be far away.”

“So insightful,” Loki muttered as they watched Thor leave. He turned to Tony and let his clothing turn into something more comfortable yet again. “You say you are no liði, yet you come to me for help. Would–“

“Stop right there, buddy.” Tony grinned. “We’re _not_ going there. I can have an existential crisis later, yep? For now, I’m atheist, it can stay that way. So, we need to talk.”

“Do you wish to talk here?”

“No.” Tony looked around, then it hit him. “You exploded _my suit_.”

“I’m sorry.” Loki looked almost remorseful. “If it–“

“Nah, it’s all right. You just buy dinner and dessert and then I’ll forgive you. Next time I won’t let you off that easily. That was a bit of work to do that.”

“Then let me take you to dinner,” Loki said with a smile, “and you tell me about the catastrophe I did to your suit? Although it still looks fine to me.”

Tony looked down at himself. “Not _that_ suit. My armour. Is a suit.”

Loki’s eyes lit up. “Now that sounds like a wonderful thing, Tony.”

“Yes, I know. I’m sure hoping that –“

Loki extended a hand to him. “Since you Midgardians do like holding hands so much,” he said with a wink.

Tony reached for it with a grin. “And your brother won’t mind that we’re leaving him here for a bit?”

Loki stilled. “I almost forgot.”

They heard a car in the distance, heading straight towards them.

“Thor’s friends are here,” Loki said after glancing to the car. “He’ll be safe.”

“Wait, you can _see that far_?”

“I am a god, Tony. Of course I can.”

Right. He took Loki’s hand in his and long, cold fingers interlaced with his. _Sweet_. He felt like a schoolboy again with the stupid grin on his face and a warm, excited feeling in his stomach.

Loki took him to the ‘ _Le Cinq’_ in the middle of Paris, France. Needless to say that Tony was a tiny little bit amused but let Loki do all the fancy French speaking. Should Loki work a bit, that was more than Tony deserved after his fucking _suit_ got blown into pieces. Even when JARVIS told him the suit was fine and rested safely in his wardrobe that had survived the explosion by a wonder. Loki did not have to know that just yet.

They talked, Loki made amazing jokes and Tony learnt that Loki had visited Tolkien and his wife a lot, drawn to the man who told stories like there was no end. It made sense, when Tony thought about it. After all, Tolkien’s dwarves were not only Jewishly coded which was the most obvious thing of them all but – his Ereborian dwarves and his language?

“Khuzðul,” Loki said slowly and grinned at Tony. “Never thought about-“

“No,” Tony said amused. “Because _normally_ mythological people do not influence other’s literature that much.”

“They don’t?” Loki’s grin deepened. “Are you sure about that?”

Tony put his fork with lobster down. Smoked and lightly blue, simply delicious. It was Tony’s guilty pleasure but when in France, right? “All right. Lay it on me, Shakespeare. Who else did you influence?”

“Funny that you should mention Shakespeare.” Loki picked at his creps with mushrooms.

“No way.”

“I assure you, almost _every way_.” Loki sighed dreamily. “A shame he got married and–“

“No _way_.”

“Yes.”

“You’re lying.”

“No. Aren’t you a genius?”

“Yes.” He squinted at Loki. “Why?”

“Shouldn’t you be able then to tell a lie apart from the truth?”

He gaped at him. “That’s -, okay you know what. So. You did Shakespeare. Who are you in his works?”

“Oh Tony,” Loki said with a chuckle. “Can’t a clever liði like you find that out by himself?”

“It’s not like I read all of his works, you know.”

“Good. That means there’s always more of it left for you to read.”

“I have no idea what I’m doing here with you except from bantering and eating lobster but I kind of like it.”

“I think you wanted my help with something.” Loki put his fork down and took a sip from his wine. “Isn’t that why you wanted to talk to me in the first place?”

“That is true.” Tony sighed. Hot air fled from his body. “I’m not sure though if this is the right time. I’m having _fun_ and I doubt this is the right loop anyway. Not to say that if I let this one continue that means a lot people will be dead forever so –“ he swallowed. He stood there at the pathway.

It was up to him to say how this would continue. Loki looked at him calmly. Either he’d tell Loki of the loops now, and find a _way_ to stop this but then risk that the people would stay dead _or_ he’d keep his mouth shut and enjoy this … _date_ with Loki and wake up tomorrow in the cave again.

“I will try another time again,” he decided and his heart broke, a shred of sanity leaving him again. He was _stupid_. That was his chance to leave but –

He couldn’t let those people stay dead. He was not any more important than they were. Somewhere out there, someone was grieving for their partner because of what Tony had done.

“What does one more loop matter, right? I know how I can make you listen.”

“Indeed,” Loki agreed in a quiet tone. “If that is your decision, Tony Stark, I will not force you to change it.” He smiled at him. “But I have to warn you. When the dinner is over and I’ve brought you back to where you live, I have to go back to Asgard. I can already feel Heimdall’s disapproval.”

“Rough times?” Tony asked carefully.

A snort. “Like you wouldn’t believe. Name something and I can assure you that it happened.”

“A murder?”

“In a metaphorical sense, yes.”

“A lost kingdom.”

“Plays a role in the first few pages.”

“A stubborn king.”

“Whenever is there not?”

“A misunderstood prince,” Tony said and arched his brows. “Nobody really listens to, but everything lasts on his shoulders.”

Loki fell quiet.

Tony nodded slowly. “A brother everybody looks up to and thinks is the greatest hero alive. Someone dad always preferred over the other prince, am I right?”

Loki’s hands were balled into fists.

That was all the confirmation Tony needed. His mouth twitched. “I know that feel.”

“You do?” Loki stared at him, unshed tears glistening in his eyes. “Do you know the feel when it turns out you are nothing more but a monster?”

“You bet your ass that I do. Fucking horrible.”

Loki nodded and his hands relaxed.

They finished the meal in silence which was untypical for Tony but he didn’t want to disrupt their solitude that was only interrupted by forks clinking against the fine plates and the occasional sip from their drinks, their eyes holding another in a deep ban. Tony felt like he understood Loki on a deeper base than before.

Loki, as promised, paid their dinner then brought Tony back to 10880 Malibu Point.

He was sad to see the god leave and _fuck_ , if Tony didn’t have trust issues but he pressed Loki’s hand tight, then pulled him into a hug because –

Because today had been a good day.

Loki had been _fun_ , he had offered to listen and if those people hadn’t died, then maybe Tony wouldn’t have to let Loki leave now. They could be doing something to break his fucking curse and take up on their conversation again.

When JARVIS had assured him Loki had left, Tony decided to opt for the safe route to ensure he’d wake up tomorrow in the cave.

It was quick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Old Norse that will pop up for a while longer because I was on a mad trip™️ that probably has some mistakes but that's okay because no one is talking Old Norse nowadays so xD 
> 
> Menskr = Human  
> Iofðdungr mín = My prince/king  
> guð mín = my god  
> Liði, hverju þetta sætti? = Follower, what's the cause of this?  
> Liði = Follower


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is "super" late, this week's been insane for some reason? Also a reason why I'm behind with comments, I'll get to them as soon as I have a free minute. But they're all appreciated and I love them, thank you all so much ❤️
> 
> Also, Happy Birthday to Tony 😆🙌 All the nerdy jokes and nerd stuff in general are in your honour 🎉

**Many more alive people anew.**

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

“Yinsen, my friend.” Tony laughed. He felt better than ever before. “Good morning.”

It had _worked_. He was here again and _free_ , the others were alive again and –

He could talk to Loki later. A smile flitted over his face, warm and heartfelt despite its small size but it spoke of an optimism Tony hadn’t felt in a long while. There was a way of them conversing with each other, without one of them having to die at the end. Yes, he would talk with him this time, he’d only neglect to mention Thor. Even when that didn’t feel right, when everything inside of him seemed to fight against that decision but –

Tony would take care of what was happening with Thor as soon as he could. After Loki had helped _him_. It was not egocentric –

There were so many things he had to take care of _later_ : SHIELD’s dark business that looked a lot like SHIELD’s 40’s style; SHIELD itself and their quantum problems, their Phase One or was it Two? Those things didn’t sit right with Tony either because c’mon– creating weapons with a cubicle nobody could explain, and nobody had any control over either, and would only be used in the interest of an extremely doubtful and shady operation?

 _Yeah_ , how about a big fat **_No_**?

Tony created the arc reactor within a few hours, his hands already so used to the movements that it wasn’t difficult anymore. He knew _exactly_ when a guard would walk in to check in on their process and Yinsen was letting him do his job – an ever-silent companion who helped Tony out in so many ways. He was fantastic. Tony loved him.

But he also felt like he was running on a never-ending stream of adrenaline, his body shaking almost as bad as when he didn’t get enough of his black hot liquor into himself and –

There was this nagging feeling at the back of his mind that perhaps _Loki_ was his new caffeine. He couldn’t get enough of him, clearly. He was thinking about him and his stupid wink and his _protectiveness_ , and honestly when had been the last time someone saved him? From themselves and their fallouts, too?

Yeah, so, that had been sort of hot. Had he mentioned yet that he was _still_ in the body of a 38-years-old that liked to have sex? And that date that hadn’t even been sexual but still – _emotions? Feelings?_ Tony liked to skip those when he had the chance, out of fear to get attached – he was weird like that – and because it involved less work – and a lower possibility with a disappointing outcome.

One just had to look at the mess he and Pepper sure had become if not –

Well, hadn’t the loops come in between. They’d probably have killed each other by now like twenty times over, had broken up double the amount and _oh Einstein,_ who’d gotten the kids in divorce? His sweet Happy? Ah well, Pepper most likely. Since she still got SI from him because frankly, easiest way to get rid of _that_ responsibility while he focused on saving the world and being Iron Man and Loki. And she did a better job than him anyway, _so_.

He hoped Natasha wouldn’t try to charm Pepper over to SHIELD but Tony had more than enough trust in his friend _not_ to follow the spy, blinded by her own heart’s desires. People often accused _him_ of not having a heart but from them both? Tony was the one who worked more with his heart, whereas Pepper was the one who didn’t let her heart dictate herself. If she had then Tony doubted Pepper would even be today where she was.

They got out of the cave a few weeks later, the suit falling less apart with each round too. Really, Tony was getting a hang out of it all. One day he’d master them so perfectly, everything would be _so easy_ , a child’s play and JARVIS would shake his head at him and maybe for _once_ in Tony’s entire fucking life, his AI’s code would not be able to comprehend.

It was a friendly competition to see who made the other crack first. Tony was competitive by nature, thanks to Howard and JARVIS was simply JARVIS and _his AI_ , there was no other way for him to end up than like _that_. So, it was either Tony’s brain, completely blown by his AI’s sheer awesomeness and brain breaking abilities that would end him or him being so amazing and too good for his own code that JARVIS would go _Error 404_ on him. JARVIS had agreed to that and _made the fucking code_ for that by _himself_. That was how Tony learnt his AI could code.

Bit of a shocker but nothing all too unsurprising, after all he was _Tony’s_ AI. There was no normal or average to be found here, only ground-shattering and earth-breaking breakthroughs and –

Okay, so, maybe he should go to sleep at some point. It felt like he’d been awake for too long but he was _determined_ to get expendable Rollerblades in his next suit because that was a necessity. Tony liked rollerblading and a skateboard that could appear out of his spine? _Nah_. Too boring. And to stressful. He liked his rollerblades and after Dum-E found them in some drawer, they _had_ to be put to some use.

Mark VIII was going to be his new masterpiece. Even when everybody else would only know it as Mark II. Admittedly, VIII was a bit bulkier again _but_ Tony had made several improvements. For one, new extra layers of Kevlar that helped to withstand the force of smaller missiles. Tony had gotten the idea from when he’d been watching a documentary on Forgotten Women in History, then Stephanie Kwolek had appeared and _then_ Tony suddenly remembered that Kevlar had been big in his kid years – yes, he’d been paying attention to cars already back then – which had been used to replace steel in racing tires. There _used to be_ Kevlar in his 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454 –

Well, it was serving a higher purpose from now. Tony would take care on a later date about the missing Kevlar in his car. He looked at his Mark VIII, ignoring the state his Chevrolet was in. It wasn’t even _that_ bad. And it was for his suit. There were _rollerblades_ now in it. And a more advanced technology he’d based on the one from his Mark VII – his _baby_ – and it could wrap itself now around Tony without the aid of his bots. But he could wear his suit now whenever and _wherever_ he wanted.

And because Tony liked to trump himself, the backpack was detachable too. Another reason why a skateboard _there_ wouldn’t have worked. All his formulas – for nothing. Nope. He refused.

His phone was ringing.

“Platypus!”

“ _Tones, you know that’s not how a phone call is supposed to work, yes?”_

“Of course,” Tony said in a singsong voice. “But if I followed every rule, then where would be the fun in that?”

Rhodey sighed at the other end. _“Listen, JARVIS told me to send you to bed.”_

“Awww but mooooooom-“

“ _You’ve been up for almost 80 hours at this point, Sir.”_

“Already? No, I’m think you’re wrong.”

“ _Tony.”_

“Okay, so maybe it’s been already 72 hours?”

_“Tony.”_

“Rhodey.”

“ _Which car was it this time?”_

“The Chevrolet.”

_“BED.”_

“But-“

_“BED.”_

“Rhodey, I –“

_“NOW.”_

“All right, _fine_.”

“ _Good_.” Rhodey sighed.

Tony rolled his eyes with a grin. “Yessir, Mr Spoilsport.”

“ _I expect to hear from you tomorrow so that I know who it is this time that makes you go and open another car of yours.”_

“Mark.”

 _“Mark?”_ Rhodey asked sharply. “Last name?”

“Vee three eye,” Tony said slowly, enunciating everything more than he had to. VIII man. He bit on the inside of his cheek as not to laugh.

“ _Mark Vethtreeye?”_ Rhodey sounded sceptical.

“Yes. Beautiful. Not slender, built more on the muscular side and honestly, Rhodey, the fifth-pack the guy pulls off.” Tony sighed and traced the stomach shield with a single finger. His beautiful boy. “And the thighs. Look, I know you’ll hate me for saying that but those thighs wrapped around me? _Heave-“_

Rhodey gave a strangled noise from himself. “ _TMI, Tones_.”

“Mhmmm.”

“ _Just … go to bed. And try not to cry when you see your car tomorrow.”_

“All right. JARVIS?” Tony looked up. “Put the Mark VIII to the loading station. And don’t let Dum-E throw a frisbee at it. I swear you, the boy just-“

“ _MARK VIII_?” Rhodey hissed.

“Yes.” Tony rolled his shoulders back. “My new suit. Amazing ass too.”

“ _I want to strangle you,”_ Rhodey said slowly. “ _Now.”_

“Kinky.”

_“Go the fuck to bed, man.”_

“Can I take Mark with me, mom?”

A gargled noise, then Rhodey hang up on him.

 _Sweet_.

But Tony went to sleep and dreamt of racing cars in his soft and warm bed.

**~ ∞ ~**

It was a sheer wonder that Tony hadn’t forgotten how to pronounce old Norse. _Maybe_ had had but he doubted it and he really didn’t want to look for those weird dudes again who could do _old Norse_. It would have been easier to get into contact with David Salo, a famous linguist who had worked on the dwarven language for the Hobbit movies.

But it was too late to change his opinion. Coulson was already on his way up to his mansion and Tony could see the scratch on Lola’s door handle from here. _Right_.

How had he called Loki? Not English Loki, weird pronunciation Lo-ki.

 _Mín Iofðungr?_ Sounded about keysmash enough for him. Loki wouldn’t even know what hit him when Tony would talk to him. He repaired the door handle, then went on his way to New Mexico – as so often. He was still so _not_ impressed that Lola could fly. He really wasn’t. He could make his Chevrolet fly too if he wanted to.

It was 2:13 and Tony couldn’t wait any longer.

“Loki? Iofðungr mín? Líka, hlýða mér–“ He _had_ refreshed his vocabulary. Just not asked another genius if it was right, honestly, Tony was confident enough to just blunder out what he thought sounded right.

Loki appeared in a soft and almost gentle green shimmer, his eyes focused on Tony and a curious look on him.

“Liði? Segja mér nafn þín-“ he broke off with a smirk and looked at Tony expectantly.

Which, _not fair_ wasn’t even good enough to cover it. He threw a look at his phone where JARVIS, helpful as always, had already translated the sentence for him.

“The name is Tony Stark, gorgeous.”

“You do not speak my tongue,” Loki said slowly and stepped closer to him. “But you _understand_ it?”

“Neither. Well, I tried my best and studied a bit of Khuzsomething and my AI did some research on his own, so here we are, a few words, bits of sentence structure in my brain, everything I need but can’t learn in _one night_ JARVIS can help me out with.”

“Khuzdul.” Loki nodded absently. “JARVIS is your AI?”

“Yes.”

Loki’s eyes flashed up.

Tony did _not_ like that.

Maybe he’d shown off _too much_ , oh hell, now _that_ would be interesting.

“If you want JARVIS,” Tony said easily, “then I should warn. He doesn’t take kindly to being stolen.”

Loki waved him off. “I can bring him back to you if you want to. But I _need_ him for –“ He broke off again, his eyes settled on Tony’s phone.

Ah well, no. He shook his head. “Sorry, buddy. I like you but nobody is going to take JARVIS away from me.”

“But if he is _that_ intelligent,” Loki licked his lips slowly and green mist foamed around his hands, “then I need to use him for a while. I know how hard it is when everything gets stolen but –“ He stopped. “I help _you_ with whatever you wanted from me. In exchange I want to have your AI for as long as I need him –“

“There’s no limit to that,” Tony interrupted him. “’As long as you need him,’ says indirectly that you will never _not_ need him and believe me that’s like if I were to tell you, ‘you can have him when I don’t need him any longer’.” He grinned.

“For as long as this endeavour takes me.”

“I don’t even know _what_ your endeavour is, Joker. And I don’t like to share my stuff with anyone.”

“As long as Odin sleeps.”

“Ah.” Tony nodded. “But you are a mage, are you not? What’s going to stop you from letting him sleep for as so long until _I_ am dead? Should be a blink of an eye for you with what is left for me.”

“ _Stark –_ “

“Yeah, no.” Tony sent him a wink and put his phone away, having alerted JARVIS to make his suit ready. “Forget about it.”

“I need him,” Loki told him in a cool tone.

“Lovely. And I need you _and_ him, so looks like we’re in a bit of an impasse here.”

“I could kill you.”

“But you won’t.” Tony put his sunglasses down, a smirk forming on his lips that matched Loki’s. Excitement was flaring through him. Oh, _why the hell not_?

“Unless–“

“Unless?” Loki’s eyes snapped to him.

Tony peered over his sunglasses at the god who was taller than him but that still _worked_. Tony knew that. He had perfected that move over the years.

“You catch me,” he said almost casually. “ _Without_ killing others.”

“And what if I catch you?” Loki’s voice was low and dark, his eyes glowing green.

“Well, _then_ we can try to figure out how you can have JARVIS but help me.”

“It seems to me that this will be a win-win situation for you only.”

“Nah.” Tony snorted and cracked his knuckles. “Because I might find a solution but I have lost _my JARVIS_.”

“How about you start running then?” Loki proposed gently but Tony could hear the warning in it still.

He grinned. “If you haven’t caught me in an hour, you lost and I will let you use JARVIS in my presence for a limited time and you help me. Fair?”

“Run, Liði.”

“Yes,  Iofðungr.”

And the suit crashed through the wall, encased Tony completely and he shot upwards, the thrusters working splendidly and he sped up –

SHIELD would have to forgive him later for tearing their base apart. It must look like he’d gone insane from one moment to the next, calling his suit to him and just flying away. At least Lola wouldn’t get harmed in the process, right? Coulson would be nice and understanding. He had just repaired his car after all.

The whirring became louder for a moment, the HUD loaded and the blue full-field-of-vision display showed him the suits status, all available targeting and optics for him, a radar, an artificial horizon and a map from New Mexico. He looked behind, floating in the air for a moment to see where Loki would appear.

Could the bastard even fly? Had he hurt him with his take off?

There was a green – _something_ shooting towards him.

“Glad you’re finally catching up,” Tony taunted him and his voice was loud, metallic due to the suit and it sounded menacing. There was a green blast thrown at him – a ball of green energy, not based on Quantum Entanglement because it would not work because as far as JARVIS and Tony could tell, no particle from Loki’s _magic_ changed place. It had to be a form of Quantum Transfer: the Planck constant had to be so small that the green ‘blast’ could only travel a short distance which wouldn’t allow the energy to load enough amperes that hurt Tony severely. JARVIS showed him a measurement of 0.012 amperes. A small painful shock would it hit Tony but nothing life threatening.

He shot a small missile at Loki.

It gave him a déjà-vu. Almost like he’d been here before at this place, with Loki on his heels and them fighting. But –

Had they?

Fought before, he meant. He kicked off, not lounging any longer on his chosen place, Loki close behind him.

JARVIS was a delightful helper as always, telling him where Loki was, helped to recognise the clones Loki showed him that were about to tackle him but Tony flew straight through them.

And while he drew his circles, flew a loop over Loki and tugged on his flying grey scarf, exchanged quips and barbs with the Norse god, he realised that he had _fun_. Admittedly, it was nothing at all like the date they had in the earlier loop but –

They forgot about JARVIS. Loki was mocking him for his height as they plummeted to ground and he had the audacity to still look _regal_ while doing so, his black hair flowing in his face and he was laughing, Tony teased him for his inability to look any other than a prude with a stick in his ass and that Granny was waiting for him with tea and –

Time flew by.

And he wasn’t feeling tired, his eyes didn’t feel exhausted, there was only wind and Loki’s laughter, and it had been _hours_ already, SHIELD and New Mexico were _miles away_ and JARVIS informed him politely, they were over South Dakota.

Ah well.

But that meant he didn’t pay attention for a minute and Loki used it to tackle him around the waist and –

They landed on the ground.

Tony’s visor pulled up and he stared directly into a face that was as blushed as his was and a grin matching his.

Loki looked satisfied with himself for having caught Tony and proceeded to tell him all about too. No manners, really.

“Took you long enough, Speedy Gonzales.”

If Tony would be a believer in romance and would read more romance novels in his spare time, then he’d say that this was _a moment_. Those things were a lie, a beautifully crafted one over the years until everybody believed in it. He smiled up at Loki, could feel it pulling on his lips as he just took the looming Norse god over him in. Oddly he didn’t feel like he was wearing something inadequate, even when he was still in his suit that had taken a few hits and Loki in his jacket, scarf, and no longer slicked back hair. Instead it hung from his head, loose black strands that enhanced his beau-

He was not going to think about that.

“You are a difficult man to catch,” Loki whispered. “Well worth the hunt.”

“Thanks, I do appreciate that. Does that make me into little red riding hood and you to the big bad wolf?”

Loki looked at him confused.

 _Right_. Alien. Thankfully, it had taken his own mind off things he did not want to follow.

“You’ve got such big and pretty eyes,” Tony cooed at Loki. “Why ever for?”

“You are not making sense to me, Liði.” He chuckled but slowly pushed off Tony which he regretted a bit because _reasons_. Definitely reasons.

“You’re not making overly sense to me either, Lokes but that’s okay. A mystery that demands to be solved is always good and fun.”

“Some mysteries are better left in the shadows.”

And there was that shadow again in Loki’s face, clouding his eyes and darkened them considerably.

“Loki,” Tony said in what he hoped was a soothing tone. “Iofðungr–“

“And they call me silvertongue.” Loki shook his head with a sad smile on his lips. He took a deep breath and pulled his shoulders back, looking all regal and with a blink, his was once again in order.

Somehow that felt very final. Like a subtle but strong hint that their playtime was over, business was about to be held again. It was a twinge in his gut, sharp and needling because he _saw_ Loki slipping through his fingers again. The easy mood they had going on there, gone and vaporised in the air, leaving them more as strangers than players.

He didn’t like the sleazy look that Loki had going one, as subtle and good looking as it was. The impassive, neutral facial mask did fit too well on him and the smile and laughter seemed to have fled Loki as well. Tony did stand up slowly, heard a few joints in his suit cracking and JARVIS informed him quietly that he had to do repairs on the right knee joint. A blast from Loki had gotten him there. He hadn’t noticed, too caught up in the madness that seemed to have gripped them both, a rush of too much dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Tony refused to think that oxytocin had been at work there as well. The implications – too grave – he could not think about that now.

The flat look and the way he almost stared down his nose at Tony –

Thanks, he could get that somewhere else as well.

“Stop looking as if I just peed on Mjolnir.” He winked. Jokes were good, right? They tended to ease the atmosphere up and if Tony Stark was good at something, then it was to manipulate the crowd to how he wanted them to be. It hadn’t been easy to get there. But he had been gifted with Howard’s _charms_ , his easy smiles, his engaging personality, that had made it easy for him to ruin other companies and got them smashed under the famous Stark Iron easily. Like he’d done with _Viastone_ and –

He had to survive college somehow and with Tiberius being around –

Let’s just say it got easier for him when he could charm people and have them listen to him instead to follow Tiberius’ orders.

It startled a laugh from Loki but it didn’t do anything to change the feeling of finality Tony had. Maybe he simply missed having fun and being able to relax with someone, letting steam off at the same time and his brain being blissfully empty because what it had to do, was to experience and use simple logic. Not to deal with emotions and conflicts, trying to figure people out – he never liked that in the first place. _People_. Who thought it was okay to invade his personal space and to touch him, be _familiar_ with him when he didn’t like them.

It was frightening to realise how much of that Obadiah had used on him. His constant leaning in and being too close, often so near that Tony couldn’t even have escaped had he wanted to and his hands – slapped away in a gesture made up in fatherly mentoring and love and what the fuck not. It made him feel sick.

Loki’s eyes shot around. “You won.”

“Yeah.” Tony smiled tiredly at him. “You wanted to ask JARVIS some things, didn’t you?” He grinned. “I hope you don’t mind that the helmet might not fit?”

“You would give me your helmet?”

Tony shrugged. “I feel like whatever you want to ask JARVIS is probably something that’s not meant for mortal ears. And while I’m dying of curiosity to know what you need for him, I–“ he broke off. Pulled the helmet off in a smooth motion and gave it to Loki. “Don’t break him, and try to talk English with him,” he added and stepped a bit back as soon as Loki had taken the helmet from him.

Was it rude to say he liked seeing Loki in his colours? Probably a bit presumptuous too.

But Tony couldn’t stop letting his eyes wander slowly over Loki and took him in. He was unmistakably _still Loki_ but –

Wearing Tony’s helmet, something nobody had ever done before and talking to JARVIS, to his AI, because he had seen just by listening to Tony and making his own conclusions, that he was more than an ordinary tool, and –

If this was how inner peace felt like then Tony was all too glad to keep it. The red and gold gleamed in the sun, throwing colours on the dark clothes Loki was wearing and made him look –

A smile was slowly appearing on his face as he watched how the eyes were glowing up blue, then turned to green and he didn’t want to think of all the mischief JARVIS and Loki were coming up with right now. It was like a perfect combination of them both, the helmet. His colours, but with Loki’s touch and a new sort of pride and royalty Tony would never _have_ because he had a different charisma going on than the Norse Prince.

Would he be getting out of this loop? No, probably not.

But that did not mean he would give up. He’d continue to try until he found all the right buttons to push and pull tenderly because Loki was _not_ delicate, but he needed a different kind of approach. And Tony would just stand there, in his Iron Man suit and watch Loki with his helmet on.

Oxytocin.

His Achilles Heel.

The smile on Loki’s lips as he pulled the helmet off was going to be burned into Tony’s memory, he was of that. Soft, not threatening, his eyes gleaming and sparks of mischief in them, his hands held loose and there was no tension to be seen in his stature.

“Thank you, _Anthony_ ,” Loki sad and his voice was soft. Sweeter than chocolate and Tony, well, he wanted to melt on the spot. He didn’t like his name _Anthony_ normally but – the way Loki said it – it was so different to what he was used from Howard, no scorn or maliciousness, only tender and happy, as if his name was something –

“Your JARVIS is a true mastermind. The world would be poorer without him.” His eyes rested on Tony. Tender.

 _Warm_.

Tony wanted to run away. Say something witty. Because he felt like he needed to break the tension that was building up in the air between them and that was not only him feeling that, right? Loki for sure felt that too? What was he doing here in the first place? He–

“I asked him if Tony was shortened because someone like you should not ha–“

“It’s okay,” Tony cut in in a rushed tone. “Really. Don’t mind at all. JARVIS usually knows what he can say about me and what not. Really.”

“I’m glad.” Loki winked at him. “Anthony is–“

 _And he said it again._ Air was being pulled out from him but not in a bad way, a good way, he wanted to have more of that. Loki purring his name, velvet and satin on his skin, fiddles, and violins in the background, rose petals were flying around them, Loki was laughing and he –

Was a fool. The Greatest.

“You’re welcome,” he said in a hoarse voice, clearing his throat. “I hope it helped you.”

“It did.” Loki nodded. “Anthony–“ he broke off, staring at him undecidedly but –

“Yes?”

“I have to say your Star Wars movies are highly inspirational,” Loki said and it was like a spell got broken. Tony was decidedly glad for it.

He breathed out in relief. “They really are. Don’t recommend the new ones though. I can assure you that they are horrible and should not be considered as canon.”

Loki chuckled. “I will take it to heart. But what can I do for you, Anthony?”

“You know,” Tony winked him off with a weak smile, “I think it’s okay if I wait until you’ve concluded your business and all that. Yes? I mean, you got JARVIS to listen to you and so–“ he cleared his throat. “I’ll just wait.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“Yes.” Tony shrugged. “After all, I’ll survive waiting a bit more. You just promise to come back?”

“I will.” Loki tilted his head. “My word on that.”

“Good.” Tony clapped his hands in an excited manner. “Then go and be a king, do good stuff and all that. I’ll see you in hopefully–“

“Three days,” Loki interrupted him warmly. “That should be more than enough time for me to have everything done that I need to do.”

“Awesome.” Tony laughed. “Can you take us back to New Mexico though?”

“I sure can.” Loki held out his hand. “Please don’t throw up on me.”

“My word on that.”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Never.”

“Fífl,” Loki said in a fond tone.

Tony would just ignore that he’d called him an idiot. There were worse nicknames.

When he went to bed he wasn’t sure how to feel about tomorrow or better, what to expect of it.

June 3rd came and happened.

Tony held his breath.

June 4th approached.

Tony released his breath, stared at the sky with a newfound curiosity. This was the second time that this happened.

He knew when he’d made it to tomorrow, then he would have _made it further_. He hoped that this was going to be the case.

But June 5th did not happen.

**.**

Tony had reached the point where he was wondering _what_ was wrong with him. He knew that normally he was _not_ so _hesitant_ and let others go first. Really, he wasn’t, that wasn’t who Tony Stark was. But – whenever he now had had the opportunity to ask Loki for help, for advice of any kind – he’d let it go. Smiled and simply appreciated the moment. That was _so wrong_.

“I feel like I’m changing,” Tony mumbled and buried his face in his hands, a tumbler of scotch on the table next to him. “Or _afraid_ of doing _something_.”

“Tony,” Natasha said slowly and he looked up at her. “You came back from a cave where you’ve been held against your will by terrorists.”

“Yeah? And? It’s not the first time I’ve been kidnapped.”

“I know.”

Yeah, that, _no_.

“You are always careful when you go out, wear sunglasses and hoodies, blend in _too well_ with the normal crowd. You have experience with disappearing. Your house is a fort, when we’re being honest and you _don’t like_ cars stopping next to you. It’s not difficult to draw conclusions from that.” She smiled at him.

“I feel like I’m starting to regret asking you to help me out.”

“Tony.” She cocked her head to a side. “Don’t run away from your nightmares. Your problems. You asked me to help you out without sugar coating you, so I will do that. And should you attempt to run away, I _will_ book a longer holiday with Pepper and make sure that you have to work longer.”

“And this is why I asked you.” Tony sighed. “All right. I don’t think I’ve ever told that someone before. Don’t laugh. Or go running to Fury.”

“What would you do should I do it still?”

“Nothing.” He smiled. “But do you think Pepper will trust you afterwards?”

She stared at him then a smirk appeared on her face. “You play with dirty cards, Tony. I _can_ respect that. I promise you, I _will not_ tell whatever it is that you’re going to say to anybody.”

“Good.” Tony took a few moments to collect himself. “Are you familiar with the movie Groundhog Day? Because – This here, this is my forty-second loop.”

No reaction.

He continued after taking a sip from his scotch. “It is not that I loop only this day. I wake up in the cave, a few days after my capture and it’s always the same. The yellow light, Yinsen who had nightmares but I can’t ask him about them because then we’ll fail at our escape. I make the arc reactor and the suit, Yinsen the Jericho Missile. It’s an old hat to me. I get Obadiah into jail, I talk with Fury about the Avengers Initiative and always, really _always_ join because if I don’t? Loop resets. Sometimes I go with Rhodey to space because I need a new thing and a distraction. My Mark III I’m building right now? It’s actually Mark IX. There are so many things that I _do,_ and I do them out of habit by now. Muscle memory.”

Natasha continued to look at him calmly. There was no judgement so far in her eyes, only curiosity shining in them. It had really been a good idea to ask her.

It was May 31st. It had been a struggle for him to even get that far but – he had to know why he was like that. He had to overcome that feeling. And JARVIS had told him to go to a therapist because he was out of his depths there. But Tony didn’t trust strangers and he felt like he could trust Natasha to a certain degree and she _was trained_ to spot people’s weaknesses and analyse them. So, if not her, who then?

“I don’t know _how_ to get out of the loops,” he muttered. “But I know someone who probably does. And okay, you are a SHIELD agent, nothing should come to you as surprise anymore, right?” A dry laugh escaped him.

“You shouldn’t tell that to anyone. _But_ there’s a hammer in New Mexico that’s going to drop tomorrow, I think. It’s from a Norse god, called Thor, don’t tell it might reset the loop. So, he has a brother – little one, I assume because he’s apparently king now and normally that should be Thor. He has _fucking magic_ , Natasha. _Magic._ And I keep trying to catch him – by now I can, I learnt fucking Norse for that –“

“Wasn’t it you who told me that Latin is a dead language nobody speaks anymore and isn’t useful at all?” she interrupted him with a small grin.

“Yeah, yeah.” He waved her off.  “ _Est quod est_ , and all that.”

“Via vitae.” She chuckled. “Continue, prodigy.”

“Nicknames?” He arched a brow. “My, aren’t you feeling generous to me today? Do I need to call the police? I am _touched_ , Red.”

“Shut up,” She replied pleasantly and leant back in the couch. “And continue. This is the best story I’ve heard _in ages._ Get on to it.”

“I should’ve tried to talk to you earlier.”

“Yep.”

“Pepper is really lucky to have you.”

“She is.” She winked at him. “Now, fun part aside, back to business. And don’t be too hasty, SHIELD pays me for this.”

“Financing the holiday with Pepper.”

“Yep.”

“I love the way you tick sometimes.”

“Drink your scotch and stop distracting. I know where your problem is already but continue. I want to know if this is enough to go to the Maldives on a secluded island.”

Tony chuckled quietly. “All right.” He took another sip from the honey-coloured liquid and let it run down his throat and revelled in the delicious, smoky taste for a moment. “Maldives sound good. Then let’s see. Pepper loves mountains by the way. Loki is a difficult case. There is shit going down in his home right now, apparently daddy dearest died. No mentions of a mother so far. But, he’s open to compliments and the feeling of being _needed_ –“

“Pot, kettle,” she mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing. Continue.”

He squinted at her. “Don’t get sassy with me. Anyways, whenever I _finally_ manage to make him talk to me and ready to listen to me, we have _fun_. He’s hilarious, sarcastic, loves being chaotic and let me blow myself up once. Good taste, cannot deny that. Won’t even.” He shrugged when she looked at him in alarm.

“I took drugs during one of the loops after depression kicked in and I wanted to get out of it. Haven’t done them since then though. Paranoid aftertaste, you know. And puking. So. Whenever it’s over and he’s ready to fulfil _his_ end of the bargain we struck, I –“

“You wave it off and say, ‘next time’.”

“Yeah. How–“

“It fits.” She shrugged.

“I don’t see how.”

“I’ll tell you later. I’m currently only flying over the North Pacific Ocean.”

“Is this bribery? I feel like this is bribery.”

“You’re doing it again.”

“Am I?”

“Loki.”

“No, I’m Tony.”

She picked her fingernails. “I know what’s bugging you, do you?”

“No.” He rolled his eyes. “ _Fine._ What do you want to hear?”

“Tell me of Loki.”

“Sorry, I thought this is about me, not him.” He was getting confused.

“Start talking.”

“All right. Well, he’s chaotic? Loves distractions and chaos? Very protective of his brother from what I can tell.” Tony closed his eyes. _Loki_. That disaster on two legs.

“How often has it happened now?” Natasha’s voice broke his inner musing. “Keep your eyes closed, if that helps. Think about your last loops. Loki, what happened. What were you _thinking_ , Tony, that made you come to those conclusions?”

He breathed in. out. This was so weird. He shouldn’t close his eyes with Natasha in the room, she was a _killer_. And his friend. Sort of. Could people be friends who manipulated another? Well, yes. He was meant to be thinking about _Loki_. Not her. He pinched his eyes tighter together and then thought about New Mexico.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Natasha said quietly and her voice fits so well to his inner musing, low and soft, _tempting_ him into giving in and – he let it happen.

“It’s exciting,” he started. “Seeing Loki again. Kind of desperate. There is-, I know that sounds weird but it is _fun_ to puzzle out what makes him listen, you know? He’s like a mystery box that begs to be cracked open and solved. There are _triggers_ I don’t know about yet, I get to know them better each time. He doesn’t like it when I offer my hand for a handshake, but only when it requires him to use his left one. But we all have our own pet peeves, don’t we?”

“We do, yes.”

“It’s never the same with Loki. Which is _more_ than I can say about the rest of the six months I have to wait for him to show up, you know? I sit here, puzzle things out, learn more old Norse because why not, I watch movies and try to avoid Britney Spears because I _can’t stand her singing_ anymore. I’ve heard it so soften by now, I just _can’t_. Womanizer, for one. The song is _everywhere_. There’s no escape from it. But it gets played in every fucking club or ‘Mannequin’. I promise you I know all the songs by heart. And _everyone_ listens to them. Narnia is a pretty good movie, also keeps close to the books and Aslan is gorgeous for a digital lion.”

“Tony,” she reminded him softly.

“Yeah, I know. I’m going off but that has something do to with Loki, I promise. He never -, he’s always _different_ while he’s the same. Songs don’t change, the conversations don’t change unless I start a new one like this. I _start_ each loop with the same fucking word. I make the same arc reactor, kill the same people, take revenge on the Ten Rings over and _over_ again. I announce that I’m Iron Man, people get upset, people love it. Yinsen is happy and alive. I’m trying _not to waste my life_ , I keep going and going. The same trot as usual. There are people I will help when _I_ get out of the loop. I promised myself that. I know their names. I–“ he broke off and opened his eyes.

Natasha smiled at him gently.

“Loki is different because it’s never the same with him. He keeps things refreshing. One time he sent me to the Ivory Coast, I don’t even know why but from that I got the idea to make my suits autonomic and have JARVIS control them. Because let me tell you, it’s no fun to be there when you don’t even have a wallet with you and the American embassy is laughing on the other side of the phone because you have to tell them that your suit _exploded_ to explain why you’re on the other side of the globe suddenly.”

He shrugged, streaks of brown hair falling into his face. “It’s what keeps me sane through those six months, I think.”

“But you want out of the loops, am I correct?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have any alternate plans?”

“Not really.”

She stole his tumbler and took a sip from it by herself. “There you have it.”

“What?”

“You’re afraid, Tony. You’re afraid of failing. You said this is your forty-second loop. You died a lot of times, I think or went to bed and woke up in your cave again. I don’t _want_ to imagine what that does to your psyche, to be honest. It sounds horrible. You keep waving him off when you could ask him because you know, if he can’t help you, you failed. And that, Tony, is your Achilles Heel.”

“Failing?”

“You hate and fear failure like no one else.” She tilted her head. “Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, Tony. It means that you are a competitive man who always looks ahead, wants to stay on top of the game. You are a futurist. Failure means setback. And you told me you have no alternate plans. This has been going on for a long while now, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I think I’m over fifty.”

“See? Not your body but your _mind_ lives with that fear for now well, close to twenty years? That shows, Tony. You probably thought about it before, I can’t imagine that you didn’t. But it made sense to you that Loki is the one who gets you out of the loops and if he shouldn’t, you’re lost. That is what’s floating in the back of your mind.”

“I’m not thinking that.”

“Aren’t you?”

He stopped.

“I’m not judging you for that, Tony. The fear of failure is something that is deeply ingrained into most people. Especially ones who have been raised with a lot of expectations put on their shoulders and somehow, always failing or not having done well enough.”

“Stop,” he said quietly.

“You know that it is okay to cry?”

“Stop.”

“Tony, if you want to break free from this, maybe you should trust _yourself_ first. Hey,” she said and her tone was soft.

He felt tears burning in him.

“You said yourself you are Tony Stark. You wear your name like a shield. A badge, full on display and do it proudly. Obstacles _aren’t_ what makes you stop. You escaped the Ten Rings and _destroyed_ them. Terrorist rings all over the world are afraid of you right now, wondering if it’s them you’re going after next. The loops, this, don’t you think there’s also an opportunity in here that makes you see and realise more than before?”

“Yeah,” he croaked. “Stop, Natasha. I can’t –“

She stopped. “You’ve held that in yourself for so long, Tony. That’s not healthy.”

“I _know!”_

“Good. That’s the first step towards the right direction.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“I know.” She shrugged. “It always is. But you need to realise that if you want to get away from all this, that you have to confront Loki and then pull it through. And should he really find no answer to your problem, don’t give up on your first try. This isn’t your first attempt either, is it? You had to go through the loops again and again. Never stop Tony.”

“I hate you, Red. Do you–“

He stopped talking when she pulled him in for a hug.

“-know that?” he asked quietly.

“Yes, I do.” Fingers were stroking through his hair. “It’s going to be okay, Tony. I know that.”

“At least one of us does.”

“Two, actually. Don’t think I’d doubt your genius. I only question your sanity on occasion.”

He closed his eyes and hugged her back.

It was nice to be hugged.

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony couldn’t go with Coulson on June 1st to New Mexico because Pepper was on a sudden holiday with her new girlfriend. They were in Scotland, exploring (and climbing) the An Teallach.

The loop reset after June 2nd.

**Hallelujah.**

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

It was not easy after the last talk to see Natasha again. Which took him six weeks because by then, he had escaped the cave with Yinsen and done all the stuff to get to that point again. For Tony Stark that meant to stare at the people even longer than necessary and rile them up even more. He couldn’t help himself. Honestly.

“Can you _ever_ stop talking, Stark?”

“I can, yes. Why you’re asking?”

“Because if you can do that, then please do so. I’m this close to shooting you.”

“You can’t kill me.”

“I can’t?”

“Yeah.” Tony shrugged. “I mean, you want to help Pepper become the CEO of Stark Industries, and then ask her for her number but don’t trust yourself to do that, in case she wants something from me. Tell Fury he’s wrong about that.”

“Excuse me?”

“C’mon, Red.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“Stark–“

“Tony–“

“Psssst.” He waved Pepper and Natasha off. “It’s the truth. We both know and _we_ both know it too and you both know it as well.”

“ _Sir,”_ JARVIS interjected, “ _I do not understand._ ”

“That’s okay buddy.” Tony opened the champagne bottle. “I know that Natalia Rushman is Natasha Romanoff and that she wants Pepper, and I know that Pepper wouldn’t be oppose to that either. Really, that’s not _difficult_. Any blind man can see that and thankfully I’m not blind so I can see that even clearer. Is the signature even official when you put yours there, Natasha? I’m just asking because well, you’re an agent. Not whatever you what you’re trying to do here. I forgot the job, since you had so many in your career as Black Widow.”

“Tony, I don’t understand.” Pepper looked at him, her face pale. Shock, obviously but there also was determination written over her face.

“Ah.” Tony sent a quick grin her way. “I’m sure I can explain to you. So, what she wants to do is to get you, somewhere else, press you against a wall and kiss you. For so long that both of you are forgetting that a world outside still exists and –“ he ducked beneath the shoe Pepper threw his way.

Damn, didn’t he have fun right now?

“She wants to get you out of your clothes, Pepper. Do the do with you and –“

“Tony?” Pepper said sweetly.

“Yes, darling?”

“Shut up.”

“Gladly, darling.”

“Stark,” Natasha said with dark grin. “How about _you_ put your signature on the papers _right there_ and then _leave_?”

“No sex in my living room.”

“No sex,” she promised sweet as honey. “Just your murder.”

“Ah.”

Well that had gone well.

**~ ∞ ~**

The next thing was that made him to Tony Stark was that he fucking _didn’t run away from his problems_. He just … hid himself away, so far, _far away_ that his problems didn’t find him. He’d pay attention to them when they became more noticeable. As easy as that.

So, when Coulson came ringing at his door he was _suspiciously_ quiet in his loud workshop where Led Zeppelin was killing his ears with awesome guitar music and even more other awesome stuff and he was admiring his wonderful Mark IX. A baby.

“Stark?” Coulson called down.

“You’re speaking with the life model decoy Tony Stark,” Tony yelled back up. “Leave a messa–“

“Stop playing around.” Coulson walked down the stairs, his face as always, an impassive mask, no reaction at all to see and wonder about. Just Agent, as he lived and breathed, peppermint. By the way. Should anybody be curious about that. Someone really loved his toothpaste. “SHIELD needs you in New Mexico.”

“Does it?” Tony mused. “I –“

“Stark.”

“Hallelujah.”

“Sorry?”

“Nothing.” Tony groaned. “Just – I’m having problems at SI and need to finish something.”

“Oh.”

“It’s important. Pepper wants it to be done tomorrow and well, she wants to do it on her own but it’s really–“

“It’s okay,” Coulson interrupted him.

“What?”

“That you don’t want to come. It’s okay.”

“ _What?_ ”

Coulson smiled at him. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Take your time. You clearly need it.”

“This is some reversed psychology-bullshit, isn’t it?”

“Good day, Mr Stark. We’re in New Mexico.”

Coulson left.

_You are a futurist._

Yes, he was. Natasha’s voice was circling in his head.

_Failure means setback._

And he didn’t like that.

 _Don’t waste your life_.

But he _was_ , wasn’t he?

Coulson was gone and he –

He was still sitting here in his workshop, Led Zeppelin telling him a wonderful story of a land in ice and snow and –

He continued to sit there.

He didn’t want to move anymore for today.

It felt like everything was –

_“Sir, do you want to go to bed?”_

_Futurist_.

He’d be one tomorrow. Was it a crime that he just wanted to go to sleep, curl up in his bed and _ignore_ whatever was going on because he didn’t feel like facing Loki. He didn’t want to face _himself_ either. Tony Stark was a public figure and the same went for Iron Man.

He wanted to be only _Tony_.

There were cameras wherever he went, reporters that thought they were _invisible_ and people who wanted things from him – always the same thing. And _fuck_ , did he want to see Loki. Wanted to be surprised once more but he didn’t feel _ready_. He had six months to prepare for this, he knew but it felt like it had been yesterday.

“Bed sounds lovely, Jay.”

He got drunk the next morning, ignoring the churning feeling in his gut that told him to fly to New Mexico. He’d do that –

Next time.

As so often.

There were things in the universe – that sounded highly philosophical if you asked Tony – that simply had _no single inventor_. Either it just _happened_ or well, it evolved so far that you couldn’t trace it back to its origins or it got changed so much that it didn’t reflect its beginning anymore.

There was the Internet, for once. It had started in the United States more than fifty years ago as a government weapon in the Cold War. Howard had licked his fingers after it because he’d seen the potential of it.

 _The Sputnik Scare_ , it was something Howard had ranted over, even years – decades, actually – after it had happened because he’d felt so threatened in his ingenuity. Not many people knew of the Internet back then. Apparently Howard had suggested to make a “galactic network” of computers that could talk to another. ARPAnet, that was how it was called nowadays. Howard simply had dubbed it “Net.” So much points for creativity, _Dad._

Tony didn’t like to be reminded of his dad and what he could do – he could do it better. So even if he _had_ used the Internet as it was earlier on, nowadays he only used _Starknet_. Sounded much fancier anyway. And he had access there to _everything_. It was no wonder that people sometimes underestimated him because well, they didn’t know about JARVIS either, did they? _His_ _AI_ that could communicate with bots, take care of other computers _and_ talk with him and other humans, evolved daily, his basis code by now already overtaken and so much more advanced. And Howard thought he’d done well with the Internet? Oh yes, he might have. But Tony had upped him. Dead ol’ Dad might never know but it was doing wonders to Tony’s mind sometimes.

But back to why he was thinking of the Internet in the first place. Often, he lost himself in his own thought process when JARVIS wasn’t there to take notes and he couldn’t do that while Tony was captured in this fucking cave, could he? He took the electromagnet out and slowly, with careful movements, put the arc reactor inside with a small _click_. Now he just had to take care of the palladium poisoning before it got worse later.

The arc reactor hadn’t changed overly. It was always the same here in the cave because he simply had not enough material here to make modifications – he’d do them later in his house in Malibu. He breathed out, the arc reactor glowing blue and pulled his shirt down. It was _bright_. He didn’t like it.

He simply had to accept that the loops might not have an origin. That there was _nothing_ behind it. It simply _happened_ because a law in physics had broken and would always continue to break and he’d been at the wrong moment at the wrong place and was now caught in the middle of the storm. He’d survive. And if he had to shoot himself into oblivion each loop again and again until his body would give up. It _had_ to give up eventually. He couldn’t stay young and handsome forever however he wanted to. That was not how a body had been created. One day his organs – attacked as they already were by his youthful adventuring – would fail.

Was he telling that to himself because he was almost shaking of fear, knowing he had to talk with Loki soon? _No_. Never. It was his way of approaching a delicate issue that was giving him trouble; thinking and dealing with it like any rational man would.

He got Yinsen and they flew away from the cave, heat following them upwards as screams got louder and then – they were falling –

Sand. Dust. Walking. Helicopter. Rhodey. Talks. Bathroom. Washing his face. He looked horrible. Plane. Coffee. Apple. Talks. America. Pepper. Obadiah. Moule. Arrest in England. New Arc reactor. People wanting to hear his story. Gulmira. Saving. Yinsen. _Don’t waste your life._ He isn’t wasting it. Destroying the Ten Rings. Announcing he was Iron Man, after being asked this question. A longing for cheep and greasy food. Making Pepper into the CEO, Natasha was there. Fury. Talking and accepting the invitation to the Avengers Initiative, something the WSC doesn’t believe in but hey, as long as Tony got a laugh out of it, right? Rhodey got his suit. More inventing. Mark X. His new baby. He felt heavy. Tired. But couldn’t sleep. Focus. _Focus._ Missed one of the trials concerning Obi. _Oops_. Natasha and Pepper were flirting on his birthday party. Yinsen went back to a university he could teach at. He was done soon. His fingers were trembling. He could speak more words of Old Norse now though. Time well invested, one might be inclined to say.

Break.

Deep breath.

June first.

Coulson rang the doorbell. Lola, scratch, an hour too late at New Mexico. His bunker looked as uninviting as always. He hated it, missed the way his own sheets back in his bed felt on his skin, not as horrible as these ones did. Even when they were better than the ones in the cave. JARVIS was playing “The Vicar of Dibley” on his StarkPad. Tony hadn’t even known until now how much he needed this series. Distraction. It was good. Even when it was impossible for him to become excited for it, feeling tireless and restless, his fingers typing on his phone a new code for another AI – FRIDAY, he decided on a whim because today was Monday. In case anything ever happened to JARVIS or he simply wanted to go HAL 9000 on them. Who knew with AIs nowadays. Maybe he shouldn’t have watched so many Space Odyssey movies. But, his AI, ruling the world? Why ever not.

There wasn’t much that could go wrong there, could it? And then again, JARVIS turning evil was as likely as Elon Musk becoming the new face of technical improvement and advancement. Good joke, right?

He was talking to himself. Time did not seem to go by, it was like wading through a swamp. Each tick one of the hands made, it was so slow, like it didn’t go forward at all. Far too slow. It was barely 11pm. He’d gone to bed fifteen minutes ago. The series was playing, not too loudly because their accents reminded him of Loki and somehow that was oddly soothing and at the same time, it riled him up. Why couldn’t time just go _by_ and he could talk and –

He bit down on his fist, muffling a cry that wanted to escape him.

FRIDAY’s base code was almost written completely, JARVIS giving some very helpful pointers. He liked FRIDAY already. A cute girl with some uhm, very sarcastic tones apparently. JARVIS really liked sarcasm and dry humour. Like the other Jarvis, actually. A smile twitched over his face. He missed him.

It was 11:01. How was that possible?

“Hey J.”

“ _Yes, Sir?”_

“Do you know something that could make me fall asleep?”

Silence.

“ _Sir?”_

“Yes?”

 _“Did I hear right and you’re attempting to_ sleep _early?”_

“Yes. Don’t sound so surprised. I do go to bed early sometimes.”

_“Once every five years.”_

“Not my fault when I keep having no vacation.”

_“That’s true but Sir, you could just choose to go to bed?”_

“I _am_ in bed though.”

 _“And sleep?_ ”

“That’s what I’m attempting to do here, buddy.” Tony shut the StarkPad and put his phone away. The room was dark. “But I do not get tired. I feel like doing something.”

“ _Did you ever consider taking up the art of knitting, Sir?”_

“No?”

_“Then I’ll put it on the list.”_

“J, I’m not going to knit. “

“ _Of course not._ ”

The sarcasm was with his AI strongly.

Tony counted all the tools he had in his workshop, took his Mark X mentally apart and when he was just putting it back and found a new way to improve while fixing back on the shoulder pads, he fell asleep. Just like that.

Weird.

He rubbed his eyes when he woke up at 8am, his brain feeling very _active_ and yelling for coffee. He opened one of the bought cold coffees you could get at every corner and went afterwards to his shower cabinet. It was very fitting _for his size_. If Agent had thought of that while choosing this room for him? Probably. But then, who knew with him?

Then, time seemed to fly by. 2:13pm approached him quicker and quicker and he was already on his way to Mjolnir’s place.

He could hear a clock inside of him ticking, each minute a step closer to his hopefully _not doom_ but rescue instead. It was almost frustrating how slow the last few minutes went by.

2:09.

2:10.

“J, I hate waiting for others, did you know that?”

 _“Yes.”_ His AI sounded way too amused at Tony’s plight. What had his AI become? A creature, wild and free, independent of his old man, a rebellious teenager but probably more in his twenties and saner than Tony was in his thirties. Not that that was anything surprising. He knew he wasn’t really what most considered ‘normal’ but well, normal was boring.

2:12.

“Oh, fucking hell,” he cursed as time seemed to come to a halt again. It was getting _annoying_ , for Einstein’s sake. He’d like to have a time machine just to jump those few seconds forward. Patience wasn’t a virtue of him. Results had to be there _within the second_ , people had to be there when he wanted to meet them and – fucking hell what took Loki so long?

Then, his clock vibrated. 2:13. A small, barely noticeable vibration that made him smile fleetingly before he fell back into his role as Tony Stark, a man who wanted something from someone else and would play absolutely dirty to get it. He hoped everything would go well. It was a shame there wasn’t wood nearby he could knock on.

“Loki, Iofðungr mín?” he asked, loud enough to be heard.  “Líka.” Loki shimmered into appearance. His face a thoughtful mask, a barely visible frown painted on him. “Liði?”

“Yeah, I guess you can call it that.” Tony shrugged. “Not that I think it fits but beggars can’t be choosers, right?”

“Do you intend to beg?”

“No. Not really. I wish to make a bargain, mín Iofðungr.”

“Do you think you can offer something to me that I could have need of? I am not interested in riches, in bodies thrown my way or empty promises.”

“I promise you I have something that will be well worth your time. It might even help you with whatever is going on in Asgard.”

Loki’s eyes widened. “You know of it?”

“No. Just what I read in some books about it.” Tony held out his hand, making sure Loki would have to use his right one. “The name is Tony Stark, by the way. Nice to meet you.”

Loki shook his. “Loki, king of Asgard but I have the feeling you already know that.” His eyes searched Tony’s. “The correct form of addressing me would then be _konungr._ ”

“Konungr mín?” Tony thought about it. “It’s closer to king than Iofðungr is to prince, that’s for certain. Sometimes I really wonder how language got mixed up so badly.”

Loki arched a brow. “Do you wish to tell me here–“

“No,” Tony said, cutting Loki off. Maybe he shouldn’t have done that. _Oops_? “Somewhere more private where SHIELD can’t listen to us. Not that they’re seeing this because JARVIS has a few minutes from me standing here on loop but you know, safe is safe.”

An appreciative glint shimmered up in Loki’s eyes. “Then where are we going?”

“My house in Malibu.” Tony grinned. “There’s a plane nearby, waiting for us-“

“I can also skywalk us there.” Loki cocked his head.

“Even better.” Tony grinned and took the offered arm. “10880 Malibu Point, United States of America. It’s the small house atop a cliff.”

“Small,” Loki mumbled then stepped forward, Tony following, into a portal that was purely black. He closed his eyes and simply _followed_. He had to, he couldn’t _watch,_ not when it seemed like they were walking on nothing. Yeah, so he didn’t like skywalking overly much.

“I see, this is really small.” Loki nodded as they appeared in Tony’s foyer. “Thank you for warning me I might have gotten a scare by how minimal everything here is.”

“Are you mocking me?”

“I would never, Stark.”

“That was the name my father used, call me Tony.”

Loki nodded.

Tony smiled at him as thanks, then wandered over to the bar. “Do you want something to drink while we talk?”

Loki inclined his head. Tony took that as an “Yes, servant. Go and prepare me a drink while I stand around in your house and look awesome, and the carpet has crumbs on it, I guess you don’t know how to eat on a table.” He liked Loki. Fucking asshole. He made him a Four Loko, the innovation type. Seemed about right. And the green-black bottle well, something about screamed _LOKI_ to him. He was chuckling over his own joke there.

“That drink killed a few people,” Tony said as he gave Loki the tumbler of it. “But I doubt it’s going to affect you as much as it does us humans.”

“Interesting.” Loki swirled the liquid around. “Shall we talk?”

“We shall.” Tony nodded, his mouth grinning. He sat down on the couch, Loki followed him leisurely. The asshole probably thought he had a lot of time, didn’t he?

“First off, hospitality rules, are they a thing still?” Tony asked.

“Indeed they are.” Loki lifted his tumbler. “I thank you for the drink, Tony.”

“You’re welcome.” He leaned back in the couch. “What is going to come out of my mouth in a few minutes is going to sound absolutely batshit crazy.” _He could do this_.

“Oh, do believe me,” Loki mumbled. “Everything seems to be ‘batshit crazy’ nowadays, don’t you know?”

Tony chuckled dryly. “This is true.” He took a sip from his glass of water. Yeah. He was strange. “I’m stuck in a time loop.”

Loki’s eyebrows shot up.

“And I need your help for getting out of that. In return, I will allow you to talk with JARVIS. My AI.”

“What could I need of an AI?”

“He’s probably one of the cleverest beings that exist.” Tony winked. “And I’m not just saying that because I wrote him. He really is. J, say hi to Loki, would you?”

 _“Mr Skywalker. It’s nice to meet you and greet you in Sir’s_ humble _abode.”_

Loki broke out in a laughter. “JARVIS, it’s a pleasure. I haven’t heard that title in a long while.”

 _“Glad to be able to surprise you, Mr Skywalker. Since I wanted Sir to address you like one of your standing deserves, I did not tell him of that alternate title._ ”

“Such mischief,” Loki cooed. “Can I steal you?”

“ _I’m afraid not. Sir still needs me and my obligations lie with him first.”_

“Such a loyal servant.” Loki sighed. “I hope he treats you well.”

“ _Like a real Gentleman. Now if only he’d listen to me more–_ “

“Hey!” Tony complained with a grin. “I thought you were on my side, J.”

“ _I’m deeply sorry, Sir. But it seems that my code has a weakness for tall, dark and handsome guys.”_

“That is –“ Tony broke off. Stared at Loki. “You know what, he’s right.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. How’s the drink?”

“Surprisingly tasty. I usually avoid coffee when visiting your realm but the mixture of it and the tickling sensation of alcohol is splendid.”

“Who’d have thought.” Tony rolled his shoulders back. “Do you agree to my bargain though?”

Loki considered him over his drink. His green eyes were focused on Tony, trying to stare him – what, down? Into the deepest and darkest pits of his very soul? Who knew with Norse gods, right? Oh _shit,_ he was talking with _Loki_! And it seemed that nobody had to die this time around. Or something exploded. Or he got killed. It was amazing.

“I agree to your bargain, Tony Stark. Tell me of your problem with time and relative dimension in space and I shall listen, to provide then advice to my best knowledge.”

 _Time and relative dimension in space._ “Did you just–“

“Yes?” Loki blinked up at him innocently.

“Make a fucking Doctor Who reference?”

“I? The alien?” Loki continued to blink at him. “However would I know about this show in the first place.”

“Ahah.” Tony shook his finger. “Don’t try that on me. You admitted last time that you _knew_ Tolkien, I’m not believing you.”

“We talked before in one of your lives?”

“I wouldn’t call it lives,” Tony grumbled. “Loops.”

“Lykkja?”

“ _I fear the ‘loops’ Sir means are not the same ones you mean.”_

Loki nodded. “I was wondering. Begin.”

“Yes, your ma–“ he cleared his throat. “Highness. I meant highness.”

Loki’s eyes shone in amusement. “I’m sure you did.”

“All right. This here is my forty-fourth time at living through this timespan. It started a _long while ago_ , feels like my entire half of life to be honest. I died and woke up in a cave in Afghanistan. Of course–“ he started to tell Loki _everything_.

Unlike with Natasha Tony didn’t feel like he had to omit things. Natasha was a spy from a secret intelligence agency, trusting her with too much was a stupid move he’d never do. Loki though? That was different. He told him how the loops started to become longer and how he eventually made it to New Mexico where he met him. All the things he had to live through before he arrived there. The time it had cost him to see Loki through his sunglasses and all those attempts from his side to get him to talk with him. How he’d blown himself up a while ago.

And in the end, he stopped when he told Loki of how he woke up this morning and that was how they came to be here.

“Tony Stark,” Loki said in the silence that seemed only to be interrupted by Tony’s loudly beating heart. “That was an amazing tale.” He shook his head. “It is a wonder that you haven’t gone mad entirely though.”

“I hope that I have remained at least a bit sane.”

“You appear to me as if you are.” Loki shook his head slowly.

Tony smiled at him. Then he became serious after reminding himself that he _had a job to do_. This was really all he had to do. To _ask_.

“Do you know a solution to my problem?” Tony blundered out.

“So straightforward.” Loki looked at him bemused.

“Well I’ve kind of waited for this moment a very long time, you know?” Tony grinned even when he felt helpless inside.

This was it. The decisive moment he’d been waiting for almost his entire life. Sweat was starting to pool at the inside of his balled hands, the grin feeling more forced with each passing second. But Loki didn’t say anything. Instead he kept looking at him with a quiet attitude, his gaze thoughtful and his tumbler with Four Loko almost entirely drained by now. He had to get more next time. If there even was going to be one. Tony wouldn’t mind if this was his last loop. He’d done all he had to do, everything was as perfect as it could be and his friends happy. Or that’s what he hoped. They hadn’t said anything otherwise that indicated they weren’t. It was time to let the loops stop.

He wanted to go to bed tonight and not fear or _know_ he was going to wake up tomorrow in the cave. Was it too much asked to have a normal morning, with toast and bacon, maybe even pancakes? He could order some in and if Loki was going to stay around, they could have a shared breakfast, with tea and coffee; honey on toasts and talk _magic_ and science –

Well, maybe he could get to know Loki better? It would be fun, he was sure of it. Loki was an interesting bastard even when his attitude sometimes frustrated Tony – or killed him. There was also that. Not to forget about that.

“I’m not sure,” Loki eventually said and he put the tumbler down on the small table in front of them, under it, Tony’s hope, crushed and splintering apart like a glass window. “I cannot recall ever hearing of such a case before. That is not to say that I won’t find a solution to your unique problem, Tony. But.” He traced the shape of his lips with a finger. “Your case requires research and time.”

“I might not have the time though.”

Loki nodded. “I’m aware of that.” His gaze dropped to the last bit of Four Loko. “Yet, my duty as king comes first. I have to take care of my obligations there. Give me a few days, then I will come back to you and we can talk more.”

Tony heaved a sigh. He _knew_ that this was going to happen. Loki had always, always asked for a delay because of whatever was going on in godsland.

“Then what’s so urgent that you can put aside this clearly fascinating puzzle?” He aimed for a joke but it might have fallen flat the way Loki’s brows furrowed at him.

“The actual king of Asgard,” Loki started and his eyes searched for Tony’s, “cannot perform his duties at the moment like it is expected of him. Therefore I am stepping in, as it is my birth right and try to soothe a storm before it hits us all; it may even concern Midgard when I’m not going to be careful with what I do in the next few days.”

“Sounds horribly exciting.”

Loki’s mouth twitched. “It is.”

“What about your brother?”

“He’s staying here,” Loki said with a finality in his voice Tony didn’t doubt for a second. _Well_. Lovely, right? “Odin decreed so and I cannot lift his order even when I wanted to.”

 _But you don’t want to_. Tony raised a brow at that. Seemed like not everything was as peachy as he’d thought in godland. And wasn’t Odin supposed to be dead anyway? He thought that was what Loki had told Thor. _Was he getting things mixed up again?_ Please not. That would be horrible.

“All right. Are three days enough for you?”

Loki nodded and stood up. “Definitely. I am looking forward to seeing you again, Tony.”

They shook hands.

How formal.

Tony dipped his head a bit because that’s what you did when in royal company, right?

“Fara heil ok vel,” were Loki’s last words then he disappeared in a green shimmer.

“J?” Tony asked as soon as Loki was gone.

“ _He said, ‘Farewell and prosper’,”_ JARVIS told him amused. “Very formal.”

“Ah. Good to know. Is there a reason why he told me ‘farewell’? It sounds very final, doesn’t it.”

“ _Perhaps.”_

“Are you sassing me again?”

“ _I would never do so, Sir._ ”

“Mhm.” Tony rolled his eyes, more amused than anything at his AI.

He had a good feeling about this. Everything was going to work out well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki? Iofðungr mín? Líka, hlýða mér = Loki? My prince? Please, listen to me–
> 
> Liði? Segja mér nafn þín = A follower? Tell me your name.
> 
> Liði = Follower
> 
> Iofðungr = Prince 
> 
> Fífl = Idiot
> 
> Est quod est = It is what it is
> 
> Via Vitae = Life is a journey 
> 
> Loki, Iofðungr mín? Líka = Loki, my prince? Please
> 
> Konungr = King


	7. Chapter 7

**The fuck even is this one.**

Tony could already feel how wrong the air was. Completely different than how it used to be at home. It was moist, a faint scent of mushrooms intermingled with it and he could hear something buzzing, someone else was breathing heavily and the blanket felt itchy against him, too short as well. Which said something considering that he wasn’t the tallest person either.

When he opened his eyes, he could see the yellow light from the dirty lamp. Not the soft glow of the sunrise JARVIS always made sure to wake him up to.

A new fucking loop.

This was the cave. Just another setback, his original and first prison of all the ones that would follow. He was stuck here again, watched by hard and unforgiving eyes, people who held his weapons in their hands and thought they could get away with threatening him and trying to fool him. But they had been born on the wrong planet if they thought they could get away with that. Tony Stark wasn’t one who took kindly to being fooled. Not that anybody ever did unless _they_ were the fool. Yet here he was, until he’d flee again with Yinsen in his metallic arms. For as long until Rhodey was going to find them a few hours later in the desert and pull him into his arms.

This was how it was going to be and as always the Ten Rings would not know what was going to hit them in the face.

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

He could do this. Even when Loki had failed – and there was no talking out of that, Loki _had failed,_ complete and utterly. Which meant Tony had to try again. Run everything through again for as long as he had to, until he’d wake up one day in his bed in Malibu _repeatedly_. Without any fail. No cave anymore. Never again. And Loki was going to help him through this because when someone could magic him to the Ivory Coast – no, he’d never let go of that one – then he could –

He got up to get to work with Yinsen. He didn’t have the time to think about Loki. For now, he had to survive and build an arc reactor and an armour that was going to help him to get out of the cave again.

Six months felt long. They felt like walking up a mountain with no end, everything seemed to be wrong too, and the mountain’s peak was further away than it used to be in the beginning. He wasn’t sure how to get from day one to day five, not when all the days in between felt like one and the same; when everything _was_ the same. Rhodey always told him the same things and Tony had to try to muster up the same excitement as usual. Obadiah was sentenced and the satisfaction of it was washing off, it was always like it was. Nothing new.

2:13pm was a horrible time and also the best one. June couldn’t happen quick enough.

“Loki, konungr mín?” The words felt foreign on his tongue. “Lika?”

“ _Liði?”_

“Yeah, I guess you can call it that.” Tony shrugged. “Not that I think it fits, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?”

“Do you intend to beg?”

“No. Not really. I want to make a bargain, konungr mín.” His ET, all grown up and nowhere close to being as ugly as Spielberg’s was. Had he chosen the right words? He hoped so. And that he wasn’t acting wrong here but he thought that Loki would be even more pleased to be addressed as “my king” than just “my prince”. It certainly was a step up but Tony had called people different things before to get what he wanted. He wasn’t too shy to use words or titles to his advantage.

“Do you think you can offer something to me that I could have need of? I am not interested in riches, in bodies thrown my way or empty promises.” Loki looked at him with an amused glint in the eyes.

That one _was_ new. “I promise you I have something that will be well worth your time. It might even help you with whatever is going on in Asgard.”

Loki’s eyes turned huge until they looked like saucers. “You know of it?”

“No. Just what I read in some books about it.” Tony held out his hand, making sure Loki would have to use his right one. “The name is Tony Stark, by the way. Nice to meet you.”

Everything happened like it had last. Loki laughed with him, agreed to listen to him and skywalked them to his house in Malibu. There were more Four Loko this time because Tony had ordered JARVIS to get a few cans of this mad drink so his guest could choose. Funnily enough Loki went for the one Tony had picked the last time as well. Pride and joy filled him, having opted for something Loki took as well. But if he hadn’t, well then Tony would have to wonder if he knew Loki _at all_. By all rights, he should. He’d seen and talked with the guy so often by now and Tony trusted his taste in liquor too – _of course_ he’d taken the right one.

And yet–

Tony couldn’t stop grinning when Loki took a sip from his Loko and declared it an ‘Interesting and fascinating’ mix. Only then Tony started telling about his story. Why wasn’t he feeling tired of this?

But – Tony liked it. The way Loki smiled at him, asking for more, when Tony told him off when Rhodey and him went to space to fight boredom; of the one time they’d speculated about aliens – back then, in the beginning. It felt like that conversation had happened millennials ago, a soft whisper in the back of his mind.

_“Do you think aliens are real?”_

_“Are you talking here or is that another mad idea of yours just growing inside of your head?”_

Tony knew now that aliens were real and were also sitting on his couch, sipping their caffeinated alcohol like it was milk with honey, warmed on the oven and lavender flowers put mixed into it. A deliciousness that Tony used to drink when he had nightmares which happened a lot back then. Ana was the one who used to make the milk like that. Jarvis made hot chocolate, swearing on the wonders of the rich flavour of dark chocolate in the early morning hours and late evening talks. While Howard and Maria had trusted something else, more violent, more yelling, more silence in the big and vacuous space of their home, Ana telling him stories of superheroes who saved the world.

Was Loki something he had created in his time loops? How _real_ was a Norse god, a king, a space Viking anyway? He had touched him. Yes. But – that didn’t mean anything, did it? Tony swallowed bile down that was clawing its way up. He couldn’t allow himself to start doubting his own reality. _Focus_ , he reprimanded himself, needles picking on his stomach. _Focus_. His mouth felt ashen, his tongue turned into lead and words were becoming more difficult to form, to make sentences before he spoke them.

Why was he such a mess? He continued, skimmed over the talks with Thor or where he’d mentioned him, afraid of setting Loki off once again.

_“Comment es-tu arrivé là?“ The boy stared at him in awe. “Tu n’étais pas là avant!”_

_“Par magie.”_

Loki laughed at that, his eyes shining with mirth, unbridled and there were a few sparks of green magic dancing on his fingers. “How right you were and the poor boy will never know.”

“No,” Tony said slowly, “I guess he never will.”

Suddenly, he felt sad because of it. It wasn’t a huge loss, it wasn’t, really. But he _had_ lived that moment, he still remembered it and it was part of who Tony’s story. He was the only one who could revel in this and say this had happened. Some memories were meant to last, some disappeared forever into the void and some – were only meant for one person, apparently.

_“Gotta say, green looks good on you.”_

_“I can’t see you without them.” Tony licked his lips and looked into the direction where he’d seen Loki last. “You’re invisible to me.”_

“Your sunglasses can see me?”

“Mostly, yes.” Tony shrugged and took a sip from his glass of water. “Heat signature, a detailed shape of how you look but no colours, that’s still only the heat radius.”

Loki’s eyes rested on him. “What does the _heat_ signature tell you about me?”

“That you’re below average body warmth.” Another shrug. “The moment you let go of your illusions you become warmer again but not overly. Still cold.”

“Ah.”

And Tony continued because he didn’t have the feeling Loki would like it if he were to dwell on that topic. The purr of Loki’s voice, his disbelief when Tony told him he was a magician as well – Loki was grinning at him and refilled his empty tumbler _with magic_. Bastard.

But soon enough Tony was done and there were empty cans standing on the table, because Loki eventually wanted to try the other stuff as well.

But again Loki insisted that he had to solve the trouble on Asgard first before devoting time to Tony’s personal problem.

“All right. Are three days enough for you?” _A code word_.

Loki nodded and stood up. “Definitely. I am looking forward to seeing you again, Tony.”

“The last question though before you go back to Asgard.”

Loki nodded.

“Is there something that I can _say_ next time to ensure that our conversation starts easier?”

“There might be something, yes.” Loki's eyes ran over him quickly. “ _Frigga’s garden_.”

“Is that your mom?” Because obviously, he had to ask the obvious.

“Yes.”

 _Oh_. Tony licked his lips, looked away almost embarrassed by the softness in Loki’s voice and the _trust_ he was showing to Tony by telling him of his mother’s name _and_ giving him a code word too? A part of Tony wanted to melt into a puddle, the other longed for making a joke to make the air around them less _loaded_ , full of the gravity of the moment and a gentle smile on Loki’s face.

“And if I say that–“

“I can assure you that Liði knowing of her garden will make me stop and listen to you.”

“All right. If not, I’ll just bother you again with the story.”

Loki chuckled. “It’ll be an equally fascinating story for me as it was today, Tony. I don’t think a story ever managed to capture me as yours did.”

“Charmer.”

A quick wink was sent his way then Loki vanished on the spot and Tony felt oddly bereft.

**Just. You know. The fuck?**

_Frigga’s garden, Frigga’s garden._ Tony repeated those words over and over in his head so that he wouldn’t forget them on accident. Not that he would but _yeah_. He pinched himself before he said the usual, “Hallelujah!” to Yinsen and got “Stark?” in response. Just to make sure this was real and not an overly long nightmare.

When he was back at home he wrote “Frigga’s garden” with a sharpie on his arm, had JARVIS remember the code word too. Paranoia sometimes was going to pay off. Tony went on to tinker on his suits but he couldn’t stay _focused_.

Everything slowly started to lose its charm after being forced to endure it over and over. He wanted to go to the Bahamas, take a trip through the Sahara with a suit because _it could be fun_ but Pepper would want his signature tomorrow for a weird new invention from the R&D sector.

Tony loved those dorks. They were almost as bad as him but only _almost_. But that did leave him with not being able to go to desert driving because of the _signature_. And of course, he couldn’t forget to turn Pepper into his new CEO, give Rhodey the new suit, have Hammer brought to jail – he liked putting people there, Tony realised. Obadiah, Hammer, _Whiplash_. They all where were they belonged.

 _Frigga’s garden_.

Loki was going to talk with him. For longer.

**~ ∞ ~**

Coulson dropped by on June 1st, Lola got her scratch repaired and they were off to New Mexico and the code word was written on the inside of Tony’s wrist. He would not fail. Not after having been given so many chances – and a _cheat_ code. He wrote the code for FRIDAY down as well because he’d become fond of the small AI already, no real interaction needed. But Tony poured each time love and time into the code, thought of ways to improve them and FRIDAY? She was a sweet little angel despite JARVIS’ best attempts to make her into a killing machine. _That_ should also be an AI, for an extra emergency. Maybe he should call her KAREN.

“Loki?” he said on the next day at 2:13pm, his words barely trembling. “Kongungr mín? Líka.”

“Liði?”

So far all was going well. He licked his lips and stared up at Loki. “Frigga’s garden.”

Everything went wrong at the same time.

There was this split second where Loki’s eyes widened and he looked _shocked_ , like Tony had slapped him out of the blue and drawn blood. Then he exploded. More or less. Green flames were thrown around and Tony felt himself being thrown into the wall.

 _Shock_.

“How do you know of –“ Loki was hissing, a knife in each hand and he was glaring at Tony like he was his greatest enemy.

Wrong code word. Definitely. Oh boy.

“You told me–“

“I have never seen you before.”

“… That’s unfortunately true.” Tony coughed and sat up, his back hurting. “But believe me this is –“

“No.”

“No?”

Loki threw a knife at him before he disappeared.

It was swinging happily above Tony’s shoulder, a fine thin blade.

Next time he would definitely stick to the plan and then figure out new stuff.

He was growing up, wasn’t he? Horrible. He’d never consented to this.

**YeaH sO.**

In an earlier loop Tony had bought these horrible quotes calendar. That’s what he was thinking about when he woke up in the cave. There’d been one with a crown. So terribly cliché and yet, Tony couldn’t stop grinning when he remembered it. Something along the lines of, _‘Fall down, stand up, straighten your crown and carry on.’_ It was horrible and absolutely not fitting at all because Tony didn’t own a crown – only Dum-E had his dunce had but –

Unless he went to Burger King to get a fake crown he did not own one. He could make own his hair though. Later. On the plane. Future thinking. Thinking of the great possibility that was Loki and his helping hands that were supposed to aid in his break free. Not to throw knives at him. He really had to talk with him about that behaviour. Maybe Loki could stop that in the future. Tony did not appreciate knives being thrown his way. That was dangerous.

He felt like crying. A burst of laughter bubbled up in his chest and was tearing at him like a kid at the clothes of his parents, begging for some of the sweets to be bought. Good thing that JARVIS had someone employed who went shopping for him. Tony hated buying groceries.

When he met Loki again he’d have to tell him that “Frigga’s garden” was a stupid code word and he better chose a different one. Otherwise Tony would not agree to this marriage. A chuckle, quiet in the eerie silence of the cave in the sickly yellow light, escaped his dry lips. He needed water. But first he had to get the other stuff behind him.

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

The loop started.

It was a competition against Tony, against time, against _fate_ and whoever didn’t like Tony out there and thought it would be fun to punish him.

He tried harder. He cut himself when he opened the Missile and blood was dripping to the ground, a small hurt compared to what he was carrying inside of him. The arc reactor shone harshly in the light, and soon, sweat started to run down his face, stress was building up inside of him and at the same time, Tony felt more alive than ever before. He wasn’t sure how. But the repetition felt less like it was a forced, automatic task and more of him _building_ something again.

When had he stopped to race himself out of the cave? It had been stupid. He made a few changes at the Mark I (The forty-seventh one) to make the suit more stable and he and Yinsen left the cave a day earlier than usual. There was pride prickling inside of him, a mad grin decorating his face as he laid there in the hot sand of the desert and Yinsen breathing heavily beside him –

It was like a rebirth in the sunlight, bathed in the rays and sweat as they were and eventually, they stood up and moved on through the never-ending heat, until Rhodey found them to get them home. Tony let himself fall into the hug like a man starved and took the moment in. He never really did that. Or when he had, then it was a long time ago.

Time went on as usual. It was _all right_ ; it wasn’t perfect, it would never be probably until Tony broke free of the loops but – he felt like he could do this. He knew how to make Loki talk. Now it was only just a matter of making him stay longer – or return earlier than three days so that Tony could make it further than to June fourth, well that would be awesome.

He was counting the days as they passed by, his eyes set on the countdown JARVIS had made for him after Tony told him June 2nd was an important day for him. He’d just have to watch and see. But – that day. That day would be _it_.

**~ ∞ ~**

He had a minor breakdown sometime in late April, his breathing growing erratic when he woke up in the dark and nobody was there. He was all alone, only JARVIS’ voice in the background telling him to breathe through his nose if possible, slowly –

But Tony didn’t feel like breathing slowly. Obadiah’s face was floating in front of him, a shadow of his old past. Something Tony wished to have gone but it – _he_ was still there. He had his breath on his face as he reached for the arc reactor and pulled it out, left Tony to die on the couch –

A gun in his face, the mocking, almost condescending smile when he told Tony he was sorry – was he? Had he said that? And then he’d pulled the trigger and he wouldn’t have felt any remorse, would he? Had he killed Tony.

He was shaking. _Soon_ , he told himself as he gasped for breath, _soon_.

Soon _what_ he did not know, but it was a _soon something_ so –

Minor breakdown. That might have lasted what felt like the entire night, his pulse speeding up and everything was _too much_ , the sheets too warm but without them Tony felt cold but he could only push them away, he couldn’t pick them up from the ground; it felt too far away as many things did.

Rhodey called him in the morning. A ‘check-in’ to see how he was doing. Tony was almost sure that JARVIS had done a thing there to make sure that Tony wasn’t feeling alone. And the thing was, he _knew_ he wasn’t alone. He had Rhodey, sweet Rhodey telling him about a couple of idiots he had in the Air Force that kind of destroyed a plane. _Idiots_.

But that was it. Tony could continue and sat down on the new Mark XI and he was … getting better as time went by.

June. _Soon_.

**~ ∞ ~**

Coulson rang the door and they repaired Lola, then went to New Mexico.

 _Tomorrow_. It would bring Loki and with that, a new start and a new chance. Loki was going to be interesting. As always. When was he ever not?

Tony licked his lips before he tried to say, “Konungr mín.” It sounded better the more he said it. It was barely a whisper at the time when Tony fell asleep, the Old Norse rolling off his tongue fluently and his mind was allowing him to relax and sit back as he dreamt of gardens he did not know and laughter.

Time wasn’t going by fast. It was already 2:11pm and it felt like the minutes until Loki would appear were the longest ones in Tony’s entire life. He hated it. To fight his boredom with _something_ he cracked his finger knuckles in the hope it would speed it all up.

2:12.

He cleared his throat and pulled his sunglasses up, waiting for JARVIS’ signal that Loki had arrived. It took so _long_ , so _long_.

 _Finally_. 2:13pm.

“Loki, konungr mín?” Never before did the Old Norse roll off his tongue as easily as it did now. “Lika?”

“Liði?”

 _Yes_. No. Both. Relief was sweeping through Tony.

“Yeah, I guess you can call it that.” A shrug. _Important detail?_ “Not that I think it fits, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?”

“Do you intend to beg?”

Had there been the other times this amused curl at Loki’s mouth as well? Tony must have missed it.

“No. Not really. I want to make a bargain, konungr mín.”

“Do you think–“

And the game was on. Tony’s heart was slowing down as he trusted his mind to lead him through the conversation correctly, but everything sounded familiar to him, everything was the same, there was no –

No nothing. It was _amazing_.

They went to Malibu. The whole conversation about what happened to him didn’t get repeated, it was all very rough and basic. There was no conversation about body heats, going into space or anything. It was just a simple and dry explanation in what kind of dilemma Tony was caught. It was a risk. But he felt like he could get away with it. And Loki seemed interested enough to listen to him.

“All right,” Tony said at the end when Loki was about to leave. “Are three days enough for you?”

A nod. “Definitely I am looking forward to seeing you again, Tony.”

 _I bet you are_. “Is there something that I can say next time to ensure that our conversation starts easier?”

“There might be something.” Loki’s eyes ran over him quickly. “Fr–“

“Frigga’s garden,” Tony cut in.

Loki stared at him. Shock, disbelief, it all ran over his face in rapid succession. “You knew what I was going to pick,” Loki said slowly.

“Yes.”

“The word won’t work?”

“You tried to kill me again.”

Loki shook his head slowly. “I am sorry for that. I was sure that the word was going to work but I might have –“ he stopped.

“It’s okay.” Tony threw him a wink. “I don’t mind waiting for you.”

Loki sat back on the couch. His gaze was unreadable. “So the three days aren’t going to work out either, will they?”

“No.”

Loki nodded slowly. Then he took off his scarf. His jacket.

Tony couldn’t stop staring. That was –

 _New_. Loki had never taken his clothes off before.

“Then that means I better stay, doesn’t it?” Loki’s eyes rested on him, green and thoughtful.

“Yeah?”

“Perfect.” A smile. “We’ll see if this resets your loop as well or if this will drag things out a bit.”

“Don’t you need to get things from your massive library?” was all Tony could say at that moment.

“I’ll send my mother a message that I won’t return for the next four days, that there are matters I have to attend to first and if she can send books on the matter of time.” A smile was directed at him. “She’ll be furious.”

“And you still decide to do it?”

Loki’s face grew dark. “She is not the only one in Asgard who is furious, Liði.”

“That’s all right.” A shrug. “Can’t say I know what’s going on up there for sure. You want something to eat? I can order something in.”

“Something to eat would be amazing.”

“Italian? Mexican? Japanese?”

“As long as you don’t try to poison me, I will be fine with whatever you choose.”

 _What a change in tune,_ Tony thought with amusement and told JARVIS to order pizza and pasta from his favourite Italian. And wine. “Any plans on what we are going to do in those three days?”

“I have no preferences.” Loki’s eyes shone darkly in amusement and he stared at his can of Four Loko. “I am not sorry,” he said before he tipped the can over.

Tony … blinked at that. “Did you have to do that?”

“It was too perfect,” Loki muttered under his breath. “Too much perfection in one small space.”

“Awww,” Tony cooed. “You think I’m perfect?” He couldn’t _resist_.

“If only you weren’t so small.” Loki sighed and then kicked the can off the table with a fond look in his eyes.

He was _adorable_. Like a cat. Wait –

“Did you just call me _small_?”

“Took you long enough to notice.”

“I am the perfect size–“

“Yes. To stow you away in a bag. You must come in handy for a shopping trip.”

“Are you _serious_?”

Loki blinked up at him innocently. “Of course.”

“You _won’t_ get a slice from my pizza, just saying. That’s only for the nice people.”

“Rude.” Loki pouted.

Tony chuckled and leant back in his own armchair, his mouth couldn’t stop laughing and Loki’s own laughter was soon joining his as they squabbled over the perfect size as infants do. It was –

 _Peaceful_ , Tony realised. And he might have three days of this? Amazing.

Around 8 in the morning his eyelids started to drop and he was burying his head in Loki’s shoulder; he smelled good. His arm pulled Tony tighter against him, cold and heavy but – it felt good. He was soon asleep, a blanket was thrown carefully around him.

So there might have been alcohol involved to make him feel that needy for cuddles and sleepy. But it had only been wine for him and more Four Loko for Loki. Neither of them wanted to move from the couch which was warm and comfortable; why get up and move somewhere else?

That was how Tony woke up on the next day: drooling on Loki’s shoulder, his back already hurting from the position they were in and feeling _content_ , out of all things. Loki was awake already, he could tell from how _quick_ compared to Tony he was breathing. His shoulder was rising a bit before it fell again, steadfast, and never abrupt. It was wonderful. He grumbled something, wiped his mouth sleepily, then closed it again and fell back asleep.

**~ ∞ ~**

During the day Loki and him talked about the loops and thought about how the loops could have started in the first place. The Norse god didn’t think it was a punishment for Tony – which was new. Not Loki thinking, the fact that this might _not_ be on Tony. But then, everything seemed to speak against it.

They talked with JARVIS about other theories and concepts of time distortions but nothing really happened.

Tony knew he was not going to wake up on June 5th so he made the most out of the night by talking with Loki even longer. Somehow nothing of what they talked about was really _important_ , it was all bullshit but it was soothing for Tony’s nerves when he realised where he was going to be tomorrow. 

And when Loki realised? He reached for Tony’s hand and squeezed it tenderly before he came up with a new topic. Tony didn’t want pity. He wanted distractions and Loki gave them to him in infinite numbers. It was –

Probably the best thing he could have done for Tony.

“I don’t think I want to set back.”

“I don’t think anybody wants you to do that either.”

Tony heaved a sigh. “But I have to go eventually. Don’t I? Just to see if I’ll make it to the other day or not.”

“Yes.”

Tony cleared his throat. “That was nice.”

“Yes.”

“I think I missed that. Talking to someone. Just _talking_.” The words felt sharp in his mouth. New. _Unused_. “Not following protocol. Even when the last few days didn’t help probably because your mum didn’t send the books but –“ Tony shrugged. “It was nice.”

“It was.” Loki chuckled. “Even when you have the tendency to drool on me.”

“Don’t you have magic to remove the drool?” Tony yawned. He wanted to go to bed-

“I do, yes.” Loki sounded quiet. “Sleep well, Anthony.”

“Catch you later, Lokes.”

Tony shut the door between them and walked straight to his bed. He felt –

 _Tired_. Aching.

Six months full of waiting.

Again.

**I’m not being paid for this.**

And he woke up in the cave again, the “Hallelujah!” fell from his lips easily and Yinsen’s, “Stark?” was a welcome familiarity. Tony didn’t allow himself to give up. It was about time to break free from this and –

He wanted to meet Loki again.

Those three days they had together – they had started with the same dialogue but – Loki was _change_ , he was the god of Chaos, what had Tony feared? Even breakfast together had been fun, someone to snark with who wasn’t repeating the same words back at him, it was astonishing and made him feel lighter and gave him hope in the sickly yellow light. It was hard to find this nowadays. But Loki managed to give him strength apparently without trying; and Tony was fairly certain he had gotten to know the Norse god well enough to know how to –

Make him listen and stay, to help him out more so than before. In earnest, this time.

The three days had been like a vacation to Tony, one that he knew was going to end soon but what did a simple reset matter considering everything he’d been through already? It also helped him not to walk to the closet cabinet and pull out a bottle which would make him forget for the next few hours. Talking _helped_ to chase the dark demons away who were still lingering around, waiting for the next best moment to strike and attack him.

Tony refused to give in. He was better than that. He had a goal in front of his eyes, his mind was set and Loki was waiting.

**~ ∞ ~**

The days passed in a blur, and when Tony didn’t pay attention, he was often thinking back to his small vacation. He went with Rhodey to space but it reminded him of unexpected snark. Rhodey was his best friend but there were only so many times Tony could play catch, fly the same loops and get the same (expected) quips back. Change. He craved it.

“Loki, konungr mín,” Tony said as Loki finally came by, “Lika.”

“Liði?”

And off they were to his house in Malibu. He was trembling in excitement even when he did not show it, he was too good at acting for that. But he couldn’t wait for the moment Loki was saying something new, something Tony hadn’t heard before and the day would _change_ and he was going to be happy.

There were a few things he had remembered, and he chatted with Loki first, threw in here and there a flirtatious remark because he _was Tony Stark_ and Loki took them with an amused curl on his lips, and insulted Tony hilariously. 

It didn’t even have to do with his size which was remarkable because that was what most people focused on. Tony had heard those jokes so often about him being _small_ , he was used to them. There was no humour anymore to be found there, only annoyance and groans, eye rolling. Loki – he went for Tony’s intellect – which he knew was a joke because Tony could shoot back with something about Loki’s and –

He lost it when Loki started to rhyme at him. It was good, really but – he wasn’t _Shakespeare,_ he couldn’t rhyme back. Which of course Loki used as a new challenge, and in the end, Tony quoted Eminem at him. He couldn’t help himself. “You know technically, I’m not even supposed to be here right now. Might as well make the most of it.” He grinned at Loki. “Guess I’m lucky, some of us don’t get a second chance. But I ain’t blowing this one.”

 _Reminder for next time,_ Tony thought as Loki mouthed the lyrics quietly, searching desperately for a rhyme. _Eminem confuses aliens._

“It’s a song,” Tony explained amusedly. “It’s about Cinderella Man. The rhymes are coming later.”

Loki nodded slowly. “I don’t think I can follow the paths your mind is taking, Liði.”

“Oh, you better don’t. Need to keep you on your toes, after all.” Tony shrugged and opened Loki a can of Four Loko.

Loki took the drink slowly. “We haven’t seen each other before but you speak to me as if we’re familiar.” He tilted his head, curiosity shining in his gaze.

Tony licked his lips. “Because we are.”

Loki’s head shot up, his eyes wide, a grin on his face. “We are?” He put the glass down. “Þú eru stórmerki.”

“I am _what_?”

Loki chose to remain shrouded in mystery, no other word fell from his lips. That was … sweet. In a very weird way. “One day you might learn.”

“Yeah. That day better comes soon. I can’t remember so many things you told me. I’m pretty sure you told me once –“

“I told you something a while ago?” Loki was definitely interested now. His hands were twitching at his sides, and his eyes were burning into Tony.

“Yep.” And that was all Tony said. What goes around, comes around, right? It was only fair.

Loki seemed to realise that as well when he huffed a laugh. “Do you want to tell me, Tony, or –“ He was quiet for a second. “I can also offer you to read your memories.”

“Read. My memory.” Tony blinked. “You mean telepathy?”

Loki winced. “That’s not entirely correct. I would enter your mind and see what you experienced from your eyes, pick up on your feels–“

“You know what,” Tony interrupted him. “That sounds creepy when you start to explain it. Just do it, promise me not to look at my sex life, you can use the internet for that.”

“Do I even want to know.”

“Yes.” Tony winked at him. “But the internet is there for a reason. And I want clicks on my videos.”

“You’re mad.”

“Yes. Glad we got that covered. Welcome to the family. Now, proceed.” Because of mind _reading_. That was interesting. Not that Tony had ever thought someone would try that on him. If ever, he always imagined he was going to be the one doing the mind reading? It was a bit unsettling to have his dreams crushed like that but he was going to survive.

Loki was pointing him to sit down and Tony flopped down on the couch, waiting for Loki to wave his hands and green sparkles would appear and all that. It was going to be exciting.

Then, Loki put cool fingers at his temples. It felt – _nice_. Tony closed his eyes, a soft sigh escaping his lips. Time stopped and he felt _something_ knocking? Prodding? At his head, a spike of short hurt then it was –

 _Gentle_. Warm. It was Loki, he couldn’t find any words to describe him but –

He could feel him, as he was carefully tugging something open and –

 _Cave_. The yellow light that greeted him in the beginning and told him it was a new start, the harsh breaths from Yinsen, the _importance_ of Hallelujah and Stark, the pressure Tony felt on him with each new loop and –

There was so much. And he showed it all to Loki, he didn’t know how to stop it. There were blurred images of water, everywhere, hunting and chasing, Rhodey –

Loki. A wall of emotions Tony couldn’t sort, they all were different but; surprise. He knew that one, could feel it and the delight that was inside of him which wasn’t _him_ but –

Loki watched it all, took in every impression Tony had of him, the helicopters and the wish for it all _to end_ –

Tony opened his eyes when he felt Loki leaving his mind.

He felt dizzy.

“Liði,” he could hear Loki saying, over and over, soft and with the time, Tony felt less like vomiting all over his guest.

“Sorry,” he croaked. “I think I might be allergic to mind reading.”

“Your mind,” Loki smiled at him and held a glass with water up, “is a wonder. It’s seen _so much_ already. That you haven’t gone insane yet is a tremendous feat.”

“Flatterer.” Tony took the glass and drained it. He hadn’t realised he’d been that thirsty.

He was slowly calming down, his breaths getting evener again and he drank another glass of water on Loki’s insistence.

“I want this to be over.” Saying it out loud made it more _final_ to Tony. “It’s hard.” He chuckled. “Even when you are a nice distraction in between, Rock of Ages but I promise you, even the toughest guy goes mad eventually.”

“Then how about you try to call my attention earlier?”

“Can I do that?”

Loki nodded and sat down on the couch besides Tony. “People used to call to gods ages ago regularly. It is not common anymore. I can promise you that unlike _Frigga’s garden_ , a prayer will make me curious.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Loki sighed. “Then we can try to tackle the problem from the beginning on. Use the same tactic, that should suffice to make me listen then as well.”

“All right.” Tony groaned. “I feel like whenever I do a step forward, I prolong the time I’m stuck in here.”

“That is true.” Loki bit on his lips. “I can’t do more for now though. Even when I read the books, we’d still only have three days.”

“Yes.” Tony stared at the wall. “It would be better if the loop resets earlier, right?”

“We certainly could start earlier.”

This time it was Tony who sighed. Then he nudged Loki in the side. “So how about you stay with me while I blow up the house? Never did that one before.”

“Blowing up the base wasn’t enough for you?”

“Never.” Tony chuckled. “There are never enough explosions for a guy like me.”

“Liði.” Loki’s voice sounded fond. “It would be an honour.”

“Awesome. Are you sure it’s sane stay to be blown up?”

“I’ll wake up tomorrow in my bed and will have forgotten about this.” Loki nudged him back. “Make sure to tell me about it next time.”

“After a prayer, you mean.”

Then it was just waiting for JARVIS to explode the house. His poor AI was confused but he knew that Tony had a groundhog thingie going on so –

Sometimes JARVIS knew it was better to just trust him.

Yet, despite having blown himself up already, Tony was still reaching for Loki’s hand. It made him feel safe, not abandoned and alone. It was almost ironic that Loki always stayed for his own doom and never fled it. He leant his head on Loki’s shoulder, knowing already where it was the most comfortable and breathed in. Out. Loki’s scarf was tickling him at the nose but Tony didn’t bother scratching it, not when he knew it wasn’t going to matter anymore in a few seconds. Loki’s free hand was resting on his back, another reminder that he wasn’t alone in this, not like he’d thought for years.

Then the house exploded in a feast of yellow, swallowed them whole.

**Well.**

Tony had never believed in god, had never thought that there was something supernatural that was watching over him and planned his life from the moment he stepped on Earth. Basically. So how was he supposed to _pray_ to Loki of all things? Should he start with, “Dear Loki in Asgard, hallowed be thy name?”

He said his “Hallelujah!” to Yinsen, then went to work, thinking about how he could _pray_ and mean it. It felt insincere, the thought alone of faking a prayer to get Loki’s attention. And yes, he knew Loki enough already to know that this would have negative effects on their meeting and the outcome. He didn’t wish to anger the Norse god when it was avoidable.

Was there a solution to his problem? Sweat, not only from the heat as he was making his arc reactor, was pooling on his forehead as he kept thinking. Praying – it didn’t sit well with Tony. He removed the car battery and put the newly finished arc reactor inside of him.

 _Wonder if Loki would manage to put the arc reactor inside of me without giving me a heart attack_. A small grin flitted over his face. Somehow Tony didn’t think Loki would do that. He was too careful about that, his mind too quick to let something like that happen. And he didn’t appear like one who liked to make his hands dirty, not when it was avoidable and he was like Tony regarding challenges: he had to best them. There was no other way to go about that.

 _I could let the battery explode_ , was Tony’s thought as he put the battery aside, not needing it any longer thanks to his arc reactor. _There’s enough copper laying around here to make the fire green in his name._ A sacrifice for a god inside of a cave. Yeah, Tony got a few medieval vibes here. Good thing that JARVIS wasn’t here to record this, otherwise he’d send him to a monastery to absolve him of sinning. Against science, that was. Tony had no intention of turning into Faust and giving Loki the opportunity to become Mephistopheles. Yeah. No. Although –

 _No_. _No deals with demons here_. He stroked the hair which had fallen into his eyes, away and patted the arc reactor, assuring himself it was safely installed and not a sloppy job. One never knew when he didn’t pay attention, everything was bound to be possible. And Tony would rather avoid dying and resetting when he hadn’t even come to see Loki yet. That would be embarrassing, come to think of it. Loki would tease and never let him forget about that.

It was a sweet thought that lingered with Tony as he went on with the tasks for the day. He couldn’t stop the amused tilt on his lips as he dropped the screwdriver on the ground because that’s what he always did –

 _Chaos_.

_Say Loki, is that what you do on Asgard as well? Little acts of chaos and mischief and you feel happy?_

Nobody answered him. He hadn’t expected anything else, to be entirely honest. _Raza’s idiots, thinking they’re clever._ Tony snorted. _I bet you’d be bored by them to death. Although you’d probably understand them, wouldn’t you? What a handy little trick_. Tony sighed but kept on talking with Loki in his head, knowing the other couldn’t hear him. But it gave him a feeling of closeness, a sense of familiarity which made Tony pull through the day. His thoughts finally had something to hold onto, didn’t have to stray further while he did his tasks.

He could almost imagine some of Loki’s biting remarks, the sass in his voice and the glint in his eyes as Tony thought about ways to explode the cave even more than usual. Loki would love the explosion at the end of this, wouldn’t he? He seemed to like them well enough whenever Tony blew them up. A true chaos god, wasn’t he? _I have to get Four Loko for you again,_ Tony mused as he started to work on the helmet for his Mark I.

 _Or Absinthe. Did I ever offer you that alcoholic fairy? But then, you are the type who knows all the crazy poets, aren’t you?_ Somehow Loki came off as exactly the kind of guy who’d sit in an elegant establishment, drink tea and then, enjoy the green fairy while waxing poetry with others.

 _You_ do _like your rhymes, don’t you? France was definitely a place for you in the twentieth century. Which makes me wonder – since you knew your way around England apparently, what about the other countries and_ what _were you doing when the World Wars happened?_

He went to bed as the lights went out, only the yellow light remaining. _I hate the yellow_ , Tony mused and pulled the thin blanket over him. _Can’t wait to see a normal colour again._ Yinsen was already snoring a few feet away from him, soft and deep, a rhythmical noise that tempted Tony into closing his eyes as well. The day had been successful, so far. He’d done all he had to, now it was just waiting again until he got our _or_ he found a way to pray to Loki.

“You are praying already, Liði.”

Tony shot up in the dark, a scream passing over his lips that –

Was silent.

At the end of his bed sat Loki, looking at him amused, a curious tilt to his head. “I assumed you didn’t wish _Yinsen_ ,” the name sounded off from Loki’s mouth, “to be awoken. Not since you didn’t tell him about me.”

“Do you-“ Tony narrowed his eyes as his voice worked again. “Do you _remember_?”

“Remember?” A black eyebrow lifted. “I don’t remember meeting you before, _Tony_. But your thoughts were with me, _all day_. You seem to know me better than anybody would believe.”

“Yeah.” Tony cleared his throat. “Listen, I know that you can do your amazing mind-reading jumbo. Before I explain everything to you, can you just _take a look,_ Iofðungr _?”_ He pinched himself. Like hell was Loki _here_ out of the blue. This was too good to be true. Tony refused to believe in this but, the sharp pain in his limbs told him otherwise.

“You would let me have a look at your memories?” Loki sounded shocked, his eyes wide.

“Yeah.” Tony shrugged and pulled the blanket tighter around him. “Lika,” he added, almost an afterthought.

That seemed to shock Loki even more. _You aren’t used to politeness, are you?_ Tony tried not to smile at that.

“It would be my pleasure.” Loki’s hand rose, touching his temples tenderly, his face unusual sombre and earnest. “You might know that already but you’ll feel dizzy afterwards.”

_Considerate._

“No worries, I won’t vomit on your nice outfit.” Because _shit,_ he knew Loki in his jacket, the scarf but this here? Loki was definitely wearing a warrior outfit, the green and black soft stripes that hid chainmail underneath and there were leather vambraces on his arms. _Viking_ , Tony’s mind helpfully supplied. _Now you see it_.

“Good,” Loki replied haughtily, “otherwise I would have asked you to remove it by hand or put it all on your own fine gown.”

“ _My black tank top?_ ” Tony snorted. “Yeah, how about no. Now get on with it. I want to feel you inside me.” He wiggled with his eyebrows.

Loki looked at him unimpressed but –

There was a faint touch of curiosity in Loki’s eyes, a small blush rising in his cheeks.

 _Oh_ –

And then Loki was knocking on his mind-door before he entered. He was _warm_ , but not overly so. His presence a ball of shyness and confidence – _odd_ – Tony’s mind remarked then he was getting flooded by his own memories again as Loki pulled them forward like a director made his orchestra people create music and spun them together to a wonderful harmony. Loki did the same thing and what wouldn’t Tony give to _see_ but his eyes were closed, it felt like they were rolled inward as Loki made music happen and touched him everywhere, his fingers a rescue rope on the wide and open sea. He didn’t know how to _breathe_ –

His stomach revolted as the time went on but Tony didn’t feel like he’d been in this state for a long while. Instead, it felt like maybe a few minutes, then Loki was already pulling back but his hands were still resting on Tony’s temples.

“Incredible,” Loki whispered and started to rub soothing circles on Tony’s head. He felt like turning into pudding for the scratches as they soothed him and his eyes fluttered shut again.

“Rest, Anthony Stark.” The velvet in Loki’s voice tempted him into letting his eyes stay closed. “We will talk of more later when your mind has had a break.”

 _I’m not weak_ , Tony wanted to protest but the words died inside of him. A yawn, small and soft, crept out of him and he was cuddling into his pillow. Fingers were running through his hair in a soothing manner, relieving him of the rising pain and he released a sigh into the leather.

“I will still be here later.”

That was the _nicest_ thing Loki could have ever told him. It was more effective than a good-night-story, maybe even more so than Ana’s lavender milk at night and Tony was asleep before the next thought could form.

**~ ∞ ~**

When he woke up Loki was there, waiting for him as promised and watching him intently.

“You know it’s creepy to watch people as they sleep, right?”

“Others would call it creepy to blow yourself up.” Loki frowned.

Tony yawned, and stretched himself.

“Your companion cannot see or hear me,” Loki said next. “And when you speak with me, his direction will be directed elsewhere. You may speak freely.”

“Why do I have the feeling that this is less to my advantage than it is to yours?” Tony asked him bemused. A stray of his hair was falling forward into his face.

“Because you know me,” Loki said dryly.

Tony nodded slowly. “Loki, are you still going to help me?”

“Of course.” Loki chuckled. “I don’t know you but my other versions seemed inclined to help you as well and I must admit, I’m intrigued by your unique case. The Norns are _finally_ sending a distraction my way so that I don’t have to think of Thor’s upcoming coronation.”

“You don’t think this loop will be the last one,” Tony realised as he analysed Loki.

“No. And as sorry as I am to say that, I think you are going to be stuck in these loops for a while longer.”

“You know how to give a guy hope.”

“My hands are bound.”

“Are they?” Tony didn’t believe that.

This Loki – he was _different_. More _proper_ , caring about _rules_ or order, or whatever it was. Less unhinged, as one would say. A _prince_ who acted like one. It was weird but – Tony swallowed his questions down. He didn’t have the time at his hands to wonder about Loki now. It was the same as it was with Yinsen’s nightmares – they would have to wait until Tony wasn’t resetting any longer, when he wasn’t waking up anymore in the light of a yellow lamp, the air dusky and tasting humid. When he woke up and all he could see was the ceiling of his house in Malibu.

“Figuratively spoken.” Loki stood up from his bed. “Unlike the other times we do have more than three days to find out more about your curse. I will return here every evening, at daytime I will be on Asgard and be there for Thor and do research. You will try to get out of here as fast as possible.” Loki’s eyes ran through the cave. “Don’t disappoint me, Liði.”

“I would never think of it, Iofðungr.” Tony sent him a wink before he also stood up. “See you in a few hours then.”

Loki nodded, shook his hand, and disappeared in a shimmer of green.

_Weird guy._

Tony liked him.

How nice that Loki continued to keep surprising him; in whatever form. This loop definitely wasn’t going to end up being boring.

**~ ∞ ~**

They talked about how it had started, Tony’s theories and discussed objectively if Loki’s _Norns_ were involved in this or not and what could be the root of his loops. They weren’t always of one opinion, they fought over it a lot but –

At least they were trying to tackle the problem, right?

But the problem with Loki returning each evening was that –

There was a _bath_ that Tony by now could get through. It didn’t last _long_ but it seemed he was doomed to be dunked forever at least _once_. It meant for him not to sink into unconsciousness as air ran out in him but he could _survive it_. It was a thought he held onto when water was inside of him, air was dampened and bubbles around him, his hands on his back and he was _screaming –_

Evening.

He returned to his makeshift bed shaken, his hair wet and he wasn’t sure where the water from the bath ended and were his tears were soaking his face as well and the blanket wasn’t enough to make him feel warm again. _Only water_ , he told himself. _Water_. He was doing _all right_.

_It can’t hurt you here, can it?_

“Anthony.”

And only this one time Tony wasn’t happy to hear Loki’s voice. He was hurting, humiliated, and Loki was a _prince_ , an arrogant bastard who was _dry_ and didn’t look like he knew what trauma was. His hands were clutching the thin fabric.

“Get out,” Tony croaked. He hated how broken his voice sounded. The hoodie he had gotten from the Ten Rings was too big on him, it smelled of the washing powder they used here, clinical, and pure, just – there was no smell to it. It was so wrong, nothing comforting about it and Tony only wanted a cheeseburger, taste the grease in the air and the burnt toast, the molten cheese running down on the sides and burning his hands.

“ _OUT!”_

Loki stayed. “Warrior sickness,” he said in a sombre tone. “ _Of course_.”

 _Of course_ , Tony mouthed mockingly. He pulled the hoodie on, refused to look at Loki afterwards, calming himself down.

“It’s not unusual,” Loki started to say in a gentle voice, “that some memories leave a bigger imprint on one than others.”

Tony stayed silent. He could hear water sloshing inside of him and he almost vomited on the spot. Yinsen – blessed be him – stayed away, but his eyes were on Tony. He wanted a hug, as much as he wanted to be left alone; he wanted to lick his wounds and forget about _all_ liquid for the rest of the day because tomorrow was going to be another day; there was no time to spare for a simple panic attack after today.

Yet, Loki stayed with him. His presence _finally_ a silent companion to Yinsen forging the Jericho Missile and the rhythmical _bam_ of the hammer hitting nails –

It was the sound that made Tony fall asleep, his dreams blessedly silent. Only a whisper of cool hands in his hair, a trace of leather under his head and he was sleeping.

Six months didn’t feel like a long time when you had the one person who knew what you were going through with you every night. There were occasional dinners being shared but never breakfasts and Loki didn’t stay overnight either. So while Tony _missed_ the Loki he had come to know as ‘his’, he also grew fond of this Loki. His tongue was equally sharp, and he was less impressed with Tony than the others were.

He hadn’t called him, “Liði,” since that first night. Tony longed to hear it again but this Loki didn’t want to try his Four Loko either. There was simply … no time to build up a friendship. Tony was a distraction for the Norse god, nothing more, he could feel it.

And he knew something was wrong when Loki didn’t come back to him on May thirty-first, even when Tony stayed up all night, waiting for his Norse god to appear. But Coulson picked him up to bring him to New Mexico and when at _exactly_ 2:13pm, _his_ Loki appeared –

Tony was quite certain that something had happened on Asgard which made Loki to _Loki._ But he swallowed the feeling of bitterness at being forgotten down, his eyes set on Loki under the cover of his sunglasses and for once in a long time, he remained silent.

The Loki in his next loop was going to be a surprise again and Tony told himself sternly as JARVIS sent a vibration to signal Loki had left, he wasn’t going to wait the whole day again but –

 _Yeah_.

**Yeah.**

_I know how to contact Loki_. The air was moist, the light yellow and it was his nightmare all over again. Tony swallowed dryly as he closed his eyes in bitter resignation. He didn’t want Loki to see him _here_ , he realised as he sat up, the blanket falling from his body. The cave was pure humiliation for him and while Loki hadn’t _said_ anything about the cave afterwards, Tony –

He didn’t want Loki to see him like that ever again. If he saw Tony in the cave in his memories, that was something else. There was a distance between Tony in New Mexico and Tony in his mind, it was not _real,_ it was like telling someone of your nightmare and nothing more. But having someone _with him_ in his hours of real terror, someone who _wasn’t_ Yinsen – it made him feel raw. Embarrassed.

“Hallelujah.”

“Stark?”

He was going to wait with contacting Loki until he had gotten out of here. It was _better_ , for him. All they had managed to find out in his cave-time was that Loki believed in _the Norns_ , Tony didn’t believe in anything. And a whole other bunch of world views in Asgard, on Earth, supernatural existences and what not; Tony explaining Time Travel and the concept of General Relativity. Also for the record, don’t try to explain the Alcubierre drive to an alien because they will tell you that this is how their boats work. Flying boats, that is. Fucking Asgardians, making things happen before they even _happen_. Tony wanted one of the boats.

He created the arc reactor and the suit, got his bath and while he was underwater, he felt like there were cool eyes on him, watching; _wondering._ But Loki didn’t appear and yet –

Tony had the feeling of not being alone in this loop, stronger than the last time. It made him feel uncomfortable as much as it made him feel better. The only problem was he wasn’t sure if that really _was_ Loki, observing him quietly either from afar or invisibly, or if the Norse god wasn’t paying attention to him at all and it was all Tony’s mind, playing tricks on him.

Loki would love that, wouldn’t he?

Obadiah fled from America, got caught in England and everything took on the usual path.

 _Hello dear Norse god of mischief and chaos,_ Tony thought amused as he sat back on his couch, a tumbler full of scotch on the table in front of him. _Those were five long weeks of not contacting you. Or how would you call it? Praying?_ A chuckle escaped him as his eyes swept through the room. _As good as it was_ not _having you see me in the cave, it was also boring. As so often. At least I already ordered Four Loko and have them in the bar, waiting for you._

He sighed, took a sip from his drink. _If someone had told me a while ago I would miss having a Norse god as a buddy, then I would have laughed at them, most likely. A god, for real? And then made some jokes about being a sex god_ , _most likely. I know me. Or, used to know me._

The scotch was slowly disappearing and a pleasant warmth spread in Tony. _Feel free to drop by anytime,_ he thought quietly, _I miss having you around. And I don’t want to wait again for months until I get to see you again._

He refilled his scotch, his sight becoming blurry around the edges.

“Four Loko?” a voice said, startling Tony. “I hope I didn’t hear that correctly. I can offer Four Lokis.”

Tony blinked.

So.

There were four Lokis in his living room, all grinning at him, the black hair slicked back and looking like it was completely normal to stand here. Yep.

“I can touch them all?”

The Lokis started to laugh.

So, this was how some nightmares started, right? Lots of clones, and all that.

“You can,” one Loki said and another added, “but we can also skip that, and you tell me why you wanted my attention so badly, Liði.”

 _Liði._ Tony started to melt at that. He still didn’t consider himself as a _follower_ but – somehow he had started to think of “Liði” as his nickname from Loki. It made _him_ feel … something. Warm. Sweet. A feeling in that direction that gave him a sense of belonging and _affection_. It would be stupid at this point to say that he was feeling only neutrality towards Loki, he liked him – maybe they were friends. At least, from Tony’s view; Loki was a different matter entirely.

“Four Loko is a drink. Caffeine mixed with alcohol,” Tony explained with his heart rapidly beating and stood up, bowed his head to Loki because he knew that this was going to make things better and easier for him. He would not fuck this up again, not when he’d come so far already. “Can I offer you one?”

“It sounds intriguing.” Three Lokis disappeared, leaving only one behind who looked at him, curiosity tinting his eyes. “If you would be so kind?”

“Of course.” Tony winked at the Norse god before he went to the bar and grabbed Loki’s favourite Loko, even when he was not aware of that just _yet_. But soon he was going to know and Tony found an odd satisfaction in that. He liked _knowing_ things, liked to be able to predict what people would enjoy – if only it wasn’t for a never ending game of this. There was still this bone-deep exhaustion that seemed to wear him down, tried to kill him when he didn’t pull the trigger himself.

Loki’s eyes lit up in the yellow light – not the ones from the cave, a better one – when he tasted the Loko, a soft moan escaping thin lips. “This is amazing.”

“I know.” It was impossible _not_ to hear the smugness in Tony’s voice at Loki’s declaration but he didn’t even bother to try to hide it. He was a good bartender – why hide when he was good at something?

Loki took another sip from the tumbler, his eyes closed in an obvious enjoyment at the drink and Tony quietly made himself a coffee. He felt like he could need the strong beverage and the dark, intense scent of coffee beans made into small particles – the plans for how the machine in its insides worked was in his head. The fully automatic coffee machine was _his precious_. It started with the grinder which he took care to clean every evening or morning, whenever he went to bed basically, to the water pump, to the coffee nozzle and finally, the dark brown liquid running into his science mug.

“I liked it,” Loki said when his tumbler was empty and Tony still sipping at his dark brew; unlike others he neither added cream or sugar. In his opinion that was something only cowards did to a black coffee. If you were to drink a Latte, then the whole debate was meaningless because a Latte Macchiato was in need of milk. The name, the name made the difference.

“Glad to hear that.” Tony sent Loki a smile, put the heavy mug down before he leant forward. “Did you hear me all the time?”

“Sometimes. You were a whisper at the back of my mind.” Loki tilted his head. “It made me curious about the Midgardian who thought of me without knowing me. There were no bribes you wanted to gift to me in exchange for something I wouldn’t have granted to you anyway. There was no _desire_ , no scream for help – you were only talking to me.” His eyes darkened. “Like you knew me. You thought things that were scarily accurate, Tony Stark.”

“I know you.”

“We’ve never met before.”

“For you, we haven’t.” Tony reached for his mug, the warmth giving him an assurance he needed in this, to keep going. It was just _coffee_ but Loki had been drinking coffee as well –

“What are you implying?”

“That we know each other.” Tony licked his lips. “Do you feel like reading my mind?”

“Are you–“

“Yes, I’m aware of what I’m suggesting here.” Tony refused to feel nervous in face of Lok’s wide and vulnerable eyes. “I trust you, Iofðungr.” And wasn’t that just the truth?

Loki nodded, a soft “As you wish,” fleeing from his mouth and he put his hands in a tender and slow gesture to Tony’s temples. There was a gentle force knocking at Tony’s mind and he let Loki in again, already familiar with the procedure and tried not to block Loki from anything –

If he was going to help Tony then it would do no good to hide something, it could incite distrust and suspicion, something Tony really had no need of.

Loki was a silky movement inside of his head, a gentle breeze that felt unstoppable but took time and care not to tear Tony apart from the insides and his _brain_ – he hadn’t known that it was so big, there were impressions of all sort of things, fleeting memories of Obadiah congratulating him, Howard yelling, _so much yelling_ –

A reassuring tug at his memories, something _he_ hadn’t done and Howard’s yelling, angry red face disappeared and Tony knew he hadn’t to fear of more unsettling memories to appear. What was Loki doing even _down there_? Buried under all those layers of _everything_ , why hadn’t he started where it all had begun?

A feeling of a chuckle reverting through him, dark and chocolate and Tony let Loki continue. It didn’t matter, nothing did –

His head felt heavy, his shoulders dropped and there was a headache building up and Tony started to feel like he had to vomit, everything _was too much_ but Loki wasn’t at the loops yet, only seeing everything that Tony had lived through before and _there were the supermodels_ –

A tinge of embarrassment but Loki just kept going, didn’t pay any notice to his escapades and-

The cave.

He could feel himself moving from one side to the other, he wasn’t firmly rooted to the floor anymore, he was floating –

 _Raza_ , he told Loki when Raza flicked up in his mind and then, _Yinsen_. Gentle. Warm.

 _Loops_.

He wasn’t getting enough air anymore, he was –

**~ ∞ ~**

“Are you back with me?”

Tony blinked, the ground below him felt like carpet and –

He focused finally, his eyes seeing Loki sharp, the elegant cut of his body, black streaks falling in front of his handsome face and worry was radiating from him.

“You’ve been out for almost all day,” Loki informed him quietly. “Your servant JARVIS told me not to carry you around because we feared an injury to your head.”

“Huh?” Tony tried to sit up but was _gently_ convinced to stay on the ground. “Loki?”

“You are a mad man,” Loki sounded _choked_. “There was no injury to your head as far as I can tell, and no chance of a blood clot building either. But I didn’t dare to take a look at your mind.”

“ _It might have led to a brain disorder,”_ JARVIS said from around him, worried. “ _I’m glad to see you up and well, Sir.”_

“Hey J.” Tony cleared his throat. _Brain disorder_? “What happened?” he asked. “I only remember that you were searching through my mind and then–“

“You fainted.”

“I did- _what?_ ”

“Excessive searching through a mind for a longer time and churning up memories that had been forgotten, it takes a toll on the mind.” Loki’s eyes were still looking so _worried_ , so green and wide, the hand on Tony’s chest almost trembling. “I didn’t feel the strain. You were–“ he broke off.

“I was?”

“You are too used to pain,” Loki said and his hand tightened in Tony’s shirt. “Your body doesn’t register pain anymore as it was supposed to. Even when it forgets to _age_ with all your resets and loops, you know the pain already, know how big it will be and are therefore, better prepared to suffer through it.”

“Oh.”

“I couldn’t feel you _dying_.”

“But I didn’t die.” Tony arched his brows. “Look, alive.” He flexed his fingers.

“But you did _almost_.” Loki squinted at him. “That was too close. If we ever do this _again_ then I expect of you to tell me where to start looking and not to just –“

“All right,” Tony sighed. “Then I promise to tell you early on what to look for.”

“That would be appreciated.” Loki’s fingers were flexing in his shirt. “But I have to look at your mind, I need to know whether you took any damage from me rummaging around or if-“

“Sure,” Tony said and covered Loki’s hand with his, “go ahead. I trust you.”

“You are too kind.”

Tony winked at Loki and closed his eyes in bliss as his other hand rose and covered his forehead. He smelled sweat, and it did feel like someone hadn’t stopped trembling yet. He barely even noticed Loki this time around, that was how careful he was. No memories were flooding him, only … it felt clinical, assessing, a prod here and there to assure that this strand wasn’t _broken_ but Tony felt no panic, only immense relief at this. He wasn’t sure if this was only Loki, because he was thinking that this was also _him_.

 _Something_ was nagging him though, a scratch at his insides he couldn’t soothe and when he felt Loki’s worry spiking up, he led him to the source. It was _weird_ , thinking of nothing but the scratch that wanted to be attended to and Loki seemed to curl around it, a green spark was lighting up Tony’s inner vision and –

“Welcome back, Liði.”

“Nice to be back,” Tony mumbled as he blinked awake again. This time he was in his bed, the sheet rustling softly atop him. Loki was sitting on a chair next to his bed, reading a book about “General relativity and the Mythos of Time Traveling”.

“Good book?” He asked when Loki stayed silent.

“Not really.” Loki closed the book shut. “There are no wormholes you traveled through, nor did you travel at any time in your life faster than light so this-“ he held the book up in the air. “Doesn’t do us any good. I’m wondering what my other me’s were thinking, this is not what’s going to help you.”

“Wait, you’re going to help me?”

“Of course.” Loki looked affronted. “But you need sleep. I flicked the strand that was threatening to tear apart inside of you back together and your servant was so nice to order food of us.”

“JARVIS is a good boy.” Tony blinked sleepily and yawned. Loki looked _tired_ , he realised. His eyes were stained with red and the green was more vivid than ever and he found a hollowness in his face that wasn’t there before. “What happened to you?”

“Nothing of dire consequences.” Loki waved him off. “Do you wish for Italian food or sushi? There’s both but I wouldn’t recommend mixing it together.”

“ _Boooring_.”

It elicited a laugh from Loki, low and dry. “I would rather wish to avoid healing you again.”

“That’s a good argument.” Tony held up a thumb, his eyes closing again. “Did J tell you where you can sleep so you don’t watch me sleeping?”

“He did but we agreed it would be better if I was close by, in case you were to try suffocating in your own vomit.”

“I would never suffocate in my own vomit.”

“I don’t want to test it out.” Loki sounded tired, out of all things.

“All right,” Tony gave in, not wanting to rile up Loki who had probably saved his _mind_ from what it sounded like. “No testing poor mortal’s body strength today.”

Loki nodded in relief, then wiggled with his hand and had a plate with sushi in his hands in the next second. “Maybe small things would be better for now.”

“You’re not going to eat on the chair,” Tony decided.

“I’m not?”

“No. When we’re eating in the bed then we _will_ be eating in the bed together. Get your ass over here.”

“So crude,” Loki mumbled but eventually, complied. That was how Tony ended up with a Norse god – dressed – in his bed, eating sushi.

**~ ∞ ~**

They talked in the following days, Tony more bedridden than he’s probably ever been in his life but –

You didn’t want to argue with Loki when he stared at you like you were the biggest disappointment in his life for daring to get up. Going to take a leak or have a shower was an exception but otherwise? Tony stayed in bed, much to JARVIS’ delight and he played chess with Loki when they didn’t feel like talking about _how_ s, and _when_ s anymore, when everything seemed to come to the conclusion that a variable was missing or others just didn’t seem to _fit_ –

And somehow, Tony made it through May with Loki at his side. He was invisible to the others at first but Tony was _sick_ of him having to treat Loki like he wasn’t there and made him, without further thinking or contemplating, a faked ID and gave him a background story which made it seem plausible for Tony to hire a new bodyguard because Pepper got Happy in the divorce, after all.

They ate cheeseburgers together and Loki complained about the vile taste but demanded for more in the same breath.

A man after Tony’s own heart.

There were _of course_ still trying to find a solution to his looping but it wasn’t easy; not when all physical laws seemed not to work here and Loki’s Norns were staying _silent_. The Norse god had to disappear in between to Thor’s upcoming coronation and whenever he returned –

He was fuming silently.

“What’s wrong in godland?” Tony asked him one evening, in late May.

“Everything,” Loki replied flatly and searched for a Four Loko in the bar. “Father doesn’t see that Thor is everything _but_ ready for the Throne of Asgard, much less ready to take care of the Nine Realms. He doesn’t know what subtlety is, neither how to treat others with _respect –_ “

“Sounds like he’s a pretty big dick to me.”

Loki slammed the can on the bar.

Tony raised a brow at that. “That’s Mahogany.” He gave Loki time to steam off a bit alone with drinking his Four Loko, his fingers trying to choke the poor can to death and waited for Loki to open to him up.

“I talked with Father about Thor,” Loki eventually started to explain and he sounded _tired_. Tony sat up straighter in his armchair, putting the Starkpad aside. “I told him what Thor _doesn’t see_ , where he is wrong and that with just a few more years of earnest tutoring and forcing him to attend the council, he would be ready to be the greatest King Asgard has ever known.”

“But?”

This time the can did not survive Loki’s strength as he crumbled the thin alloy between them. “He told me to stop being _jealous_ ,” he growled. “That Asgard can only have one king and I should be more supportive of my brother. I don’t _want_ the throne–“

“But Odin thinks you do.”

“He does.”

“Twat.”

Loki’s mouth twitched. “Indeed.”

Tony was horrible in cheering people up and he was even more so helpless in face of _cheering Loki up_ but he refused to let his friend steer in his bad thoughts, steaming with anger and spitting curses inside of his mind. Not that Tony ever would hear Loki _cursing_ out loud, a “by the Norns,” was not cursing in Tony’s books. He drove them to the closest paintball station, told Loki to take care with his super speed and strength because people might start asking questions and then, the game was on.

Needless to say, that Tony felt a thrill inside of him, cheering him to go and _get Loki._ Hiding behind oil drums and seeking cover behind walls, constantly listening out for traitorous footsteps, and shooting at everybody who was not _him,_ making sure there were bullets left in his gun for Loki.

He died, shot in the back by Loki with a dark chuckle and before he left the field, he made sure to punch Loki’s shoulder. It didn’t hurt him but the point was being made, he hoped. The aggression inside of Loki was slowly pooling down, a carefree smirk dancing on his lips as he hunted others down before he ultimate was declared winner of this round and Tony –

Couldn’t stop staring and wishing for this moment never to end, not with Loki looking so happy and _giddy_ , and a cool hand on his arm when they walked back to Tony’s car.

**~ ∞ ~**

Loki excused himself for disappearing for the next few days because Thor’s coronation was happening _still_ but promised to be back – June 2nd, most likely at 2:13pm sharp.

Coulson picked him up on June 1st, Loki arrived as promised at 2:13 and Tony –

 _Shivered_. There was a coldness to Loki this time, a desperation haunting his eyes as he made himself visible when he saw Tony and the hammer still didn’t budge.

“Loki,” Tony said lowly, trying not to frighten him.

“It’s all a lie, Anthony.”

“What is a lie?”

“Asgard.” Loki closed his eyes in bitter defeat. “I will be back soon, Liði.”

“Take care.”

“I’ll try.”

Loki disappeared in a shimmer of green and Tony’s heart _ached_ , hurt, burned with a strain he hadn’t known for a long time and when he tentatively called out Loki’s name in the hope he was hearing him, then nobody had to know about the disappointment that crushed him in big waves when no answer came forth.

He was yet again, alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't gone to sleep yet, so this obviously still is Friday, right? XD
> 
> Þú eru stórmerki - You're a wonder.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the tags a bit 👌 also thank you all so much for your comments, they're amazing to read and made me smile so often during this week 😭❤️❤️

**Back in Black.**

Tony was back at the cave, the thin blanket felt like small pokes into his sides, cutting him up and making him bleed viciously. He didn’t want to be here. _He_ _want_ _ed_ _to be with Loki_. His mouth twisted into a snarl as anger walled up in him, made him see red and –

“Stark?”

“Hallelujah!” he pressed out between gritted teeth and set to work. He wouldn’t have to stay here long or forever. Loki was going to be here with him soon and then, they could continue from where they had left off.

 _This is cruel, just cruel_. _Each loop, everything back to how it was_ _,_ _and it is all on_ me _to make Loki trust me again._

His fingers were working faster than ever before, fuelled by rage and the desire to get out of the cave, the arc reactor was shining bright blue in his chest, the car battery had been thrown away carelessly, and the suit was starting to take on shape. Tony couldn’t wait to be inside of the cool metal again and to disappear, with Yinsen in his arms and _away from here_.

It was a sprint in time, blurred and whacky, Britney Spears singing in the back of his mind and Tony made their escape happen even quicker than before. Rhodey was there, hugging him, and then everything happened like it usually did. Tony didn’t complain.

**~ ∞ ~**

_Loki?_ He called out as soon as he had a moment for himself and stared into the dark and vast night. _I know I didn’_ _t talk to you a lot this time around. I would say, not my fault but it actually is._ _That’s a first, surprisingly._ _I just wanted to –_ _I guess_ _,_ _I simply wanted to try to keep you off my mind and focus on what needed to be done first. Pepper always tells me: First work, then pleasure. You definitely are the pleasure here, buddy._

Nothing happened.

“Oh, c’mon, Lokes,” he groaned. “I thought we were done with all the _Iof_ _ð_ _ungr_ and _konungr_ business.” A smile pulled on his lips as a fond feeling rose in him. “But it’s not done for you yet, is it? So, mín kærr Iofðungr, lika – vitja mér?”

 _See?_ _I even practiced my Old Norse for you_. Tony closed his eyes, a desperate want running through him to see his Loki again, even when it would be a different Loki than the one who _he knew_. But in the end, it still would be Loki and he’d get to know him again, there would be no killed Tony Starks anymore, not with Loki at his side.

He only had to make him listen to him and appear, that was all. Then, the loops were even bearable and _better_ ; enriched in a way nobody else managed to do. Loki brought with him the sunlight while Tony was standing here in the dark, a can of Four Loko in his hands and waiting to be claimed by sparkling green eyes and an amused smirk.

“I know that I can’t order you around,” Tony whisper into the night, hoping someone was going to save him from the isolation he had been thrown into. “Thor and Odin do that enough already for you but – _Lika_ , _Loki_ , _m_ _í_ _n Iof_ _ð_ _ungr –“_

He was still feeling alone and there were no eyes on him this time. No chill running down his body telling him that he was being watched. There was only him and JARVIS who was watching his creator with worry, and told him to wear a thicker jacket when he was being outside otherwise he’d get a cold. Tony didn’t want to get a cold – he wanted Loki.

“You are quite insistent in your asking and prodding, aren’t you?”

Tony sighed in relief, warmth in the cold night running through him. “I’m stubborn when it suits me, yes.”

“Stubbornness is not always a good thing,” Loki’s silky voice came from behind him. “So, tell me, _Li_ _ð_ i. What can I do for you to stop shouting so loud for me that it made my mother drop her drink?”

“I did that?” Tony turned around, feeling amused at Loki’s blank face, knowing fully well what fondness the Norse god harboured for his mother. “And you didn’t stop the goblet from falling to the ground?”

“I never said that happened.”

“Ah, so you _did_ save her from running around in a ruined dress.” Tony nodded wisely. “Would you come inside for a drink?”

Loki’s eyes gleamed up in the dim blue light. “I would.”

Tony held the balcony door open to Loki, let the prince pass him and did _not_ breathe his scent in because he was not a desperate lovesick fool. The smell only reminded him that _this_ was real and not fake.

That this was indeed _Loki_ and not a dream he was seeking refuge in during a cold night in the cave. Only he knew how often that had happened already, thinking of green eyes so much that he started to think they were real and the disappointment, that cut deep to his bones when he woke up to sickly yellow light in the morning.

He made Loki his special drink and offered him a seat on the couch, a fire already burning in the oven because it was _winter_ ; maybe it wasn’t too cold in February but Tony needed the warmth in his house – it had been alone for too long – four weeks at most but _still_ , it was too long and he felt like a ghost in his own home.

“Thank you,” Loki offered as Tony gave him his drink, their fingers touching for a moment and –

 _He was_ _here for real_ _, wasn’_ _t he? Loki was here in his living room, just two nights after Tony had escaped from his nightmare_.

“Yes, I am here.” Loki tilted his head curiously. “Is something wrong with your mind that you would doubt your own vision so?”

Tony chuckled at that, a rough and nervous thing, feeling the phantom of Loki’s touch inside of him, making sure that there was no everlasting damage. “Let’s just say that I had some experiences that make me question everything I used to believe in.” He sat down in his armchair, giddiness flooding through him. “Please, drink first, I don’t want to hasten you.”

“Then tell me why you wished for me to be here.”

Tony shrugged. It was not like he’d offered Loki to get a drink first. “I’ve been trapped in a repeated version of my life for a long time now. And you,” he pointed at the Norse god, “are the one who’s been helping me out.” He leant forward, aware of the curious glint in Loki’s eyes. “I know you because we’ve been through a lot together already. You’re _my friend,_ Loki. Even if you may not know it.”

Loki had gone as silent as a shadow.

“I know, that all sounds so fucking unbelievable because you don’t have the history – yet, I might add. This is usually the point where I offer _you_ to look through my mind to see it for yourself.”

“I’ve been looking at your mind?”

“Oh yes.” Tony nodded. “You even repaired it a bit last time. That’s why I’m supposed to tell you from yourself to start looking from the moment on the loops start in a cave – not to dig down to my childhood. That went a bit wrong last time.”

“I did _what_?”

“Yep.” Tony patted Loki’s knee. “But it’s all right. I’m fine, you’re fine, it was just a small shock and a bit of passing out on the floor. Nothing major to be worried about, you know?”

“Nothing _major?”_

“Didn’t I say that just know? So, want to go and do a bit of mind reading? I promise not to faint this time. Even if you promise to catch me like a prince from a fucking fairy tale, I will _not_ fall for it. No ground-meeting experiences this time.”

Slowly Loki nodded and put his drink down. “You are a curious case, Liði.”

“Oh, I try to be the most curious case of them all. How absolutely boring would it be if I were any different?”

“I have this hunch that you are succeeding in your endeavour.” There was mirth dancing over Loki’s expression and he slowly touched Tony’s temples; his eyes fluttered close at the cool touch and he let Loki in, having already awaited the gentle force pushing through him and exploring, seeing, _understanding_ –

“You truly are a curious case.” Loki looked at him with a newfound interest when he pulled back from the chaos inside of Tony’s mind. “It’s a pleasure to meet you anew, Anthony Stark.”

“Can only say the same about you,” Tony replied with a yawn. He didn’t feel like he was going to be sick in the next few moments, a drastic difference to all the other times now. “Am I getting used to your mind looking?”

“No signs of retching? A headache brewing?”

Tony shook his head and reached for his glass of water. “No. Nothing.” He squinted. “Okay, maybe, there is a bit of a headache. But nothing big.”

Loki reached for his own tumbler, looking more at ease in Tony’s home now than before. “Then it seems that either you get accustomed to me looking at your memories or –“ Loki fiddled with his drink, “that this is an after effect of my healing. There might be traces of my seiðr left inside of you, that would help making it more bearable for you.”

“You mean–“ Tony struggled for a second to come up with a fitting comparison. “Antigens? Your _sei_ _ð_ _r_ ,” he stumbled over the word, “is the antigen for _more_ of your magic?”

Loki inclined his head after a short moment. “That sounds right, all things considered.” He looked thoughtfully at Tony, a finger running over his lips. “Time travel as we thought it was is not _correct_. You are mayhap going back in time but–“

“But what?”

Loki looked at him amused. “No need to interrupt me, Liði. I will share with the class.” Softer, he added, “Haven’t I always done so?”

“You have.” Tony’s throat felt horribly dry of all sudden, and he cleared his throat, trying not to be sucked into a sea of green.

“I want you to call me next time in the cave, and we will _not_ discuss that, Liði.”

Tony’s eyebrows shot up at that. Usually Loki never said ‘Liði’ so often as he did in this loop. And –

“I won’t.”

“You will.” Loki looked at him visible unimpressed. “I can help you to get out of the cave faster, we might even manage to avoid your… bathing experiences.”

“You–“

“I don’t wish for you to be longer in the cave than strictly necessary.”

 _Oh_. Tony blinked. Blinked some more at Loki who apparently realised _what_ he just said.

“It’s costing me more time,” he added hastily, his voice not as smooth as it tended to be and he was pricking his left hand. “I have to concentrate on stopping Father’s stupid mistake from happening, and Liði –“ He looked frustrated. “Try to make me tell you what happened in the few days where apparently Thor became a mortal man and I am the king of Asgard. Something went wrong _there_ and if we know what, then I can try to prevent it somehow.”

“Anything of use that might make you tell me?”

“Let’s hope,” Loki said with a grimace, “that this conversation is enough to remind me in a few months.”

“Aaaand if not?”

“Then I hope that you know what to do to make me talk to you.”

“Oh well, I’ll find a way to make you sing.”

“I’m counting on you, Liði.”

Tony winked at him. “Don’t you know that I always make people sing?”

“No.”

“Rude.”

Loki winked at him. “Is there any more of this?” he pointed at his empty glass. “I like it,” he added with a lovesick expression on his face.

“JARVIS?”

“ _We have two more cans. Sh_ _all_ _I_ _place an_ _order_ _for_ _more_ _before the drink becomes illegal_ _?”_ JARVIS replied.

Tony nodded.

Loki looked around, curiously and his magic dancing on his fingers.

“ _It’_ _s a pleasure to meet you, Sir,”_ JARVIS continued. _“_ _I’_ _m Sir’_ _s AI and at times, his personal assistant. Would you want to test out other brands as well or would you prefer to stick with the one you have?”_

“I’d love to try out more different kinds of this.”

 _“_ _Then I’_ _ll order multiple boxes. Anything else I can do for you? Are you feeling hungry?”_

Tony smiled at his AI, charming the pants off Loki in what seemed to be no effort. Instead, Loki seemed to be willing to let JARVIS charm him and it didn’t take them long to fall into an easy banter, JARVIS even pulled out a holographic chess board.

Tony meanwhile went to the door and paid the errand boy handsomely. Good thing he always had some cash somewhere, he couldn’t remember by his life where he’d put his wallet a few minutes ago. Or had it been hours?

**~ ∞ ~**

That day marked Loki’s new moving in day, even when he’d done that already last time but this round, it was for an even longer time. He watched with a faked interest Obadiah’s first trial, not surprised in the least when his lawyers won the round and made Pepper into the new CEO of Stark Industries, gave Rhodey a suit and made Loki again a few IDs.

They were debating the principle of rebirth, this time.

Not time travel, as Loki insisted that it was the wrong approach to find a solution, after all they had already said that there were too many variables missing and Tony went along with it. After all, he had a Norse god as a guest, what was wrong with a bit of rebirth this time around, right?

_Everything was possible._

He felt elated with Loki at his side, a new jump in his step that was noticeable to him only when Rhodey pointed it out to him when they were brunching together in the workshop, repairing their suits after a test flight. Loki wasn’t here for this week, Asgard and especially _Thor_ , demanding his attention more so than ever.

The word _Li_ _ð_ _i_ still fell from Loki’s mouth easily, a warm tone to it that sweetened Tony’s life every day anew and sometimes, he called him _Iof_ _ð_ _ungr_ in a teasing tone but with fondness to it that only grew the more time passed.

It was like having a roommate again, someone who cleaned up after himself – unlike Tony because he couldn’t care for cleaning, _the chaos made sense, okay?_ – but Loki made sure that the cleaning staff never had a lot of trouble with him. And, as he told him one evening while they were playing Cards Against the Humanity with Rhodey, because unlike _some_ he had manners.

All in all, it was horribly domestic in Malibu Point.

DUM-E and U had decided to take a liking to Loki and rather played “Fetch” with him than with Tony. Which suited him fine on most days because he could work on his suit, Mark XII and XIII, when he felt like switching suits.

There’d been a fight, when Tony took a too-long look at his bottles. He’d been alone, the trials with Obadiah currently being put on hold because he had _heart problems_ and somehow –

He hadn’t expected it. He didn’t _like_ the man anymore, for fuck’s sake and yet –

To hear that he might die, it felt like a punch in the gut to Tony’s stomach. Maybe Obadiah had really only taken care of him to have control over his _golden goose_ but Tony’s mind didn’t completely agree with that, remembering all the time it had been _Obi_ who’d been there with him, cheered him on and gave him support when nobody else had been around to do so. When he’d gotten a godfather, who seemed to appreciate him more than anybody, when he could find refuge in the sanctorum of his workshop and –

Tony was disgusted with himself, with the tears running down his cheeks as he realised that Obadiah might die, might not and there was a hole in his chest, tearing open and wide and he felt _grief_ he _didn’t want_ –

One that made him take deep gulps from honeyed liquid, warm and not judgingly. He forgot why he was drinking, erased that Loki had told him he was coming back tonight and only _drank_ _–_

And somehow it got worse as the situation hit home that he wasn’t closer to getting out of the loops than before. The only change he had was that _Loki_ was now with him but otherwise it all stayed the same. Natasha invited Pepper out for a date, the Ten Rings were destroyed _again_ and voices that had happened in the past but not in his current timeline, were echoing in the back of his mind, flames licking on his face.

Howard’s face was a blotch of red and _stings_ _, slaps,_ everywhere. Maria’s ashamed face as she turned aside. Jarvis’ gentle voice waking him from his troubled sleep; silent tears were running from Tony’s eyes and the bottle was not quite empty _yet_ –

“I don’t want you to drink yourself that stupid again,” Loki hissed as he patted Tony’s back in the bathroom. “We’ll talk more about this when you’ve slept your intoxication off, do you hear me?”

Tony, retching, nodded and forgot about it until the next day where Loki told him in an iron voice that he was not going to allow Tony to _do that_ ever again, and if he had to deplete his bar of all his stuff to achieve that, then he was fine with that as well.

“I had to–“

“You could have _called me_ ,” Loki cut him off. “I would have come. I don’t want to see you in pain, Anthony, despite what you might think.”

“I don’t think–“

“Yes.” Loki’s tone was icy, freezing Tony to the spot. “You don’t think, that much is obvious. If you want my help then don’t become what _they are_ – A bunch of idiots who drink themselves to death, letting fate decide over them, a docile sheep in the end.”

“I wouldn’t have died,” Tony protested but it felt feeble to himself. “Stop mothering me, Loki.”

“I am _not mothering you_ ,” Loki growled, “I am _worried_ about you.”

 _Oh_ , Tony thought. His head started to understand the picture of misery in front of him. Loki didn’t look like he’d slept at all – which said a lot considering he was _Loki_ and you didn’t see instantly when something was wrong with him. But there was no mistaken to his red eyes, the paleness of his skin and the hunched figure he cut.

“Did you sleep at all?” he asked quietly, guilt hitting him like a train in the chest.

“No.” Loki stared at him with wide eyes. “I had to make sure you weren’t going to wither away under my fingers, after all.”

“Do you want a cup of tea?” Tony asked because he was horrible in consoling people and even worse in _talking_ with them. “With cookies?” _Please, don_ _’_ _t let me have that fucked up –_

“Yes,” Loki said slowly and he sank back against the pillows behind him. “And make yourself a mug of it as well _, Li_ _ð_ _i_.”

Tony went and made tea for them both. If all that Loki wanted from him was to drink tea to stay and not to abandon him, then Tony would bite into the bitter lemon and drink that herbal brew Loki was so fond of. He gave it to him and a bowl with cookies JARVIS had gotten on his last shopping trip – or rather the person who’d been employed by JARVIS to make sure Tony’s fridge was never empty – and let the Norse god have at it.

Loki stayed.

Tony felt pathetic for how glad he was.

**~ ∞ ~**

Normality, or as good as it could be, returned to Malibu Point and Tony could breathe easier again, the arc reactor feeling less like it was a heavy chunk of metal, embedded in his chest and robbing him of his much-needed air. Muscles untensed and Tony felt some tension in him uncoil which made it easier to sleep at night.

Eventually, Loki gave in and agreed that rebirth didn’t make sense.

Neither did his answer to the question “What really brings out the child in me” in Cards against Humanity. It was, “A bleached asshole.” But Loki thought it was hilarious. Sadly, Natasha agreed with him and gave him the points. Tony pouted and regretted pulling out his “miscarriage” card.

**~ ∞ ~**

Loki left – as always – on May 29th, his eyes swimming in regret but a cold determination was written over his face, his shoulders were drawn back and his voice was gentle as he told Tony he was going to come back in a few days.

He caught Loki’s trembling hands in his own, squeezed them before he let them go.

“Annask þík,” Tony wished him, and his voice was as gentle as Loki’s was.

“I will.” Loki rested his forehead against Tony’s for a minute. “Don’t let me –“

“I won’t let you run away again,” Tony promised sombrely.

“Thank you.”

Loki breathed in with him together, then he disappeared in a shimmer of green, leaving a trace of green behind that tingled Tony’s nose. He was already starting to miss his Trickster.

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony didn’t sleep well the following nights, unsettled by what his mind procured up that would rattle Loki so much: a war breaking out, but he knew that much already but in Tony’s mind, it demanded Loki as bloodied price, torn and ripped apart –

Tony woke with a silent scream on his lips. His heart was thundering loudly against his ribcage; it felt like either his bones were going to burst from the relentless hammering, or his heart was going to stop beating, dead by stress and overworked pressure.

 _Please be all right,_ he prayed in his mind, and tried to settle himself again by watching TV. But it was difficult, Loki’s bloodied face floating in front of his eyes, a betrayed look in his eyes that had been darkened by an eternal nightmare.

June came and Tony’s anxiety rose while he hid it under the cover of never-ending smiles and grins, invited Rhodey over for a fight, pretending not to miss the presence of a certain someone who was going to complain about him reeking of sweat and other _amazing_ scents that turned his head. It was difficult but doable.

**~ ∞ ~**

Then, Coulson knocked as punctual as always and while Tony loved Lola – he needed to be at the base quicker than before and he had a fixing spray that he invented the night before, stuffed into his bags. He was going to give it Coulson when they arrived. No time for bonding minutes, not when his faked equanimity was starting to ripple apart at its seams, and he was sure that Coulson was wondering why he was wearing sunglasses when it felt like his eye bags were shining through the dark glasses.

Tony didn’t sleep at all that night, he was holding his pillow and trembled of fear with _what could happen to Loki right now_ and despite all his great inventions, all his genius and praised spontaneity, he was only a man, trapped to Earth and not able to talk with Loki or see for himself if he was all right or needed –

 _Needed him?_ The scoff that escaped Tony felt raw, cut him from the insides up. Why would Loki _need him_? Maybe they were friends but Loki was _Loki_ , he had _magic_ and could solve things on his own while Tony sat here on a tiny bed and prayed his friend hadn’t forgotten him because he needed him. He was the one who needed Loki, not the other way around.

The trembling became harder as he fought with getting air, forced himself to breathe in through his nose, his fingers scratching over the cold pillow that gave him no gentle words of assurance. He was on his own here, Loki far away – _good for him, it was better that way anyway_ _–_ and SHIELD’s people were strangely silent.

There used to be a time where Tony ran into an agent two times and knocked him over, too caught up in his enthusiasm to unravel the mystery of a blurred shape. It was _so long ago_ , now the shape had a name and manners, lived with him in his house in between and was trying to help him.

If only Tony hadn’t approached him. Loki – he wasn’t _stupid_ , he knew fully well that Loki had his own pushcart of stones with him that tried to wear him down. Sometimes he looked at Loki and thought he was looking into a mirror, they were so similar in some aspects, and yet, so different it others that it hurt. If he hadn’t, Loki wouldn’t have to go back to his home, knowing that something was going to happen that seemed to have shaken him deeply – was it for him like it was for Tony to go to bed, knowing he probably woke up the next day in the cave again? The possibility was high.

Tony gasped for air, wet and hot tears running over his cheeks and dripping on his bedding.

 _He was being irrational_.

He threw the blanket over his head, hoping it would lock out the darkness and the traitorous footsteps that only existed in the faithless corruption of his mind. It was a stygian cocoon, protecting him from eyes that weren’t directed his way anyway but helped him and tried to suffocate him in the same moment. It was an all-surrounding duskiness, comfort in isolation he didn’t want.

_Tomorrow was going to be better._

Sleep claimed him what felt like hours later when his hands stopped shaking and his laboured breath turned easier and a rhythm of life developed again. It was a short rest, plagued by nothingness in his dreams, no blood, no death, no smiles, no happiness, no _nothing_ and when Tony woke up, he felt like he’d been sleeping on nails, not on a hard mattress.

“Are you there, god of Mischief and Chaos?” Tony yawned in his pillow, the lights already turned on and telling him to get up. “It’s me, Anthony, þín Liði.” _Don_ _’_ _t_ _you_ _have forgotten about me, Loki –_

He stood up and went into the shower, the day crawling by in the speed of a snail, nobody tried to disturb him as he set everything up and with a _tea_ in his hand, he waited for Loki.

2:13pm.

“ _Anthony–_ “

“Lokes-“ Tony jumped up from where he was sitting, resting his feet from all the standing and took in the Trickster in front of him. “Wha–“

“I don’t have a lot of time,” Loki sounded _crac_ _k_ _ed_ , his voice hoarse and his eyes – unlike all the other times, they were trimmed with red, and he did look put a lot less together than the other times.

Somehow the otherwise imposing jacket made Loki seem like a teenager, trying to pass as an adult when the way he carried himself, betrayed his age and goal. There was no confidence rocking the dark green jacket, only a wish to _hide_ and get away and he offered Loki his arm.

“Let’s go and talk.”

Loki clutched him like a lifeline in cold water that threatened to pull him under and somehow Tony had the feeling that this _was_ how Loki must feel. “Home?” he asked, before he could comprehend _what_ he was asking and Loki nodded feebly, no word of protest coming from him.

A green cloak was pulling Tony in and then he felt like he was being walked through a space that was trying to make him believe his head was resting on his feet, and his hands where his navel sat, clawing for Loki as much as he was clutching him.

 _Another after-effect of his sei_ _ð_ _r healing?_ Loki’s skywalking hadn’t felt like this before, not that it was so much pleasant but at least, his body had stayed where it was –

They arrived in front of the couch Loki slumped into, burying his head in his hands, shaking –

“Lokes-“

“I know why I said it’s all a lie,” Loki said in a soft whisper that was _wrong_ because Loki should be shouting, tell him angrily of the truth that was eating him up from the insides out, not to be this _subdued_. “Because _I_ am the lie.”

“I don’t see why you’d be a lie.” _Tact of a teaspoon,_ Tony thought when Loki threw him a glare, so icy that he felt his heart stop for a few breaths. “I mean, you’re here after all?”

“I didn’t mean _my existence_ ,” Loki cut him off, sharp as one of the knives he has hidden inside his outfit where nobody could see them, “I meant _my life_. I was raised _in a lie_.”

“Oh.”

“I am a Jötunn.”

“Gesundheit.”

“Can you–“ Loki pressed out between hard clenched teeth and he threw Tony a look that spoke of desperation and he felt _bad_ but it sounded like Loki had said _something_ that didn’t make sense. “Just take this seriously, for once, would you?”

Tony nodded, guilt sneaking up at him like a thief in the night. “All right.”

“A _J_ _ö_ _tunn_ ,” and Loki said the word that Tony refused to believe was really extra slow, “is a _monster_. Enemies of the Asgardian race for as long as our record books exist. It makes sense now, do you see? Why _Odin_ favoured Thor, why life is as it is on Asgard, the barely hidden scorn that meets my eyes every night and daytime, even the guards were looking at me in contempt because I _am the weaker one_. Perhaps-“

“You should take a breather.” Tony raised his brows and didn’t feel bad, in cutting Loki off. “Now. Bre-“

“ _Stop interrupting me!”_

“I’m sorry your highness, I’m just trying to make you stop from hyperventilating!” Tony got loud and he cringed at hearing his own voice resonating through the house. He wasn’t allowed to lose his cool, not now, not ever and _especially_ not when Loki needed it. “Tell me what happened from the beginning,” he added in a calmer voice, hoping to ease Loki’s green ire. “I’ll go and bring tea from the kitchen.”

“I don’t _want tea-_ _“_

“You might not want it,” Tony stood up gracefully and rested his hand on Loki’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “But you will need the time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Take your jacket off, the shoes as well. There’s a blanket over there, make it comfortable for yourself. I will not let you talk about this when it obviously riles you up that much. Did you even have a moment yet for yourself to process what happened to you, Loki?”

“No- I –“ Loki broke off with an ugly laugh breaking out of him, fuelled by desperation and furrows appeared on his face. “I don’t think I had a single moment of peace since Thor got banished to Midgard.”

“Then it’s time you get some, kongungr mín.”

“Call me Loki _, please_ _–_ I cannot stand to hear– _“_

“Sure. Any preferences for your tea?”

Loki smiled weakly, shaking his head and took his jacket off. Tony squeezed his shoulder once more in solidarity, hoping that he understood what it meant. That Tony _was with him_ , that he wasn’t going to judge him for anything, and most importantly, that he wasn’t going to _leave_. Just a short trip to the kitchen and back, wishing fervently the kettle would brew faster because he hated the thought of leaving Loki all alone, even when JARVIS was there and could offer him companionship. But Tony wanted to be there for him as well –

He needed the tea first before he could go back. And while he was waiting, he sprinted to the pantry, took all the chocolate and cookies he could find, the cherries he also found and put it on a tray, added two mugs and brought it together with a green teapot, back over to Loki.

His Norse god was slumped under a blanket, looked small and he was looking at Tony with a smile so fake, that it ached him to bear the sight of it. “I’ve got tea and somethings to eat,” he said as he sat down next to Loki, their thighs touching through the layers between them.

“I appreciate it.”

Tony fondly rolled his eyes at that, poured each of them a mug and pressed one of them into Loki’s cold hands. “You feel ready to start from the beginning?”

A hesitant nod, the smile was still in place, practiced probably in front of a mirror for years, knowing that most did not bother to look further when you were smiling and stopped bothering you, not even to talk of stopping to tell you _to smile_ to begin with. It had always sat with Tony wrong but by now, he smiled and it felt like a second skin to him – the persona _grata_ everybody loved and wanted to have, never _Tony_ who liked to hide in his workshop to create with music blasting his eardrum into tiny pieces.

“There was a war between the Aesir and the Jötnar,” Loki began, and he lowered his gaze to the mug, the smile faltering and Tony leant closer against him, offering him comfort. “Odin led the fight against the Jötunn _Laufey_ , the last one here on Earth which they wished to conquer and to rule. Odin won and –“ here Loki stopped and took a sip from his tea, small shivers wrecking his frame. “He found a small babe in a temple.”

His eyes were wandering. Where to, Tony couldn’t say but he was sure that Loki wasn’t seeing the living room in front of his eyes anymore.

“It was Laufey’s son and he took him with him to Asgard, where he raised him as one of his own sons; knowing the Jötunn would otherwise die out there in the cold.”

 _Ah fuck_ , was Tony’s constructive thought to that and he put a hand on Loki’s knee, squeezing it gently. He thought it felt chillier to his touch than usual.

“Raised as one of Odin’s sons, nobody suspected _anything_.” Bitterness was pouring out of Loki, lacing the words with petrol and his hands clenched around the mug. “I always knew that there was something wrong with me,” he continued and his voice took on a defeated turn. Tony frowned, not liking where this was going. “I was never as fast as the others, never grew to be as strong as them, either.”

Loki became silent as his breath grew haggard, and he put the mug down. “I tried to prevent Thor’s coronation,” he continued, his face painted in anger. “Because Odin _still_ refused to listen to me and so I – I _had to do something_. Because nobody could see what catastrophe it would be having Thor on the throne. Therefore, I made a deal with the Jötnar and let a group of them into Asgard’s palace, told them where they could find the Casket of Ancient Winters.”

“They died.” Loki looked at him before he continued, his voice a tool to tell the story burning inside of him and Tony ate it all up, his organs churning with each more word that fell, one more defeating than the next one. He was running on rage for his friend, the tea gotten cold by now, standing on the tray forgotten like a letter from an insurance company.

In the end, Tony felt the loss of his words stronger than ever before, gaping at Loki like a fish and didn’t know _what to say_ , only strangled noises coming from him.

“And I have to go back to Asgard soon,” Loki informed him quietly. “They’re waiting for their _king_ , after all.”

“That’s a lie, isn’t it? They’re not waiting for you.” Tony asked him, his voice breaking in the silence.

Loki’s silence spoke volumes.

“Ouch.”

Loki turned to him, his face free of any mask and he was smiling a brittle, little thing. “I think this is why _I_ kept running from you,” he breathed. “Because now I _did_ think about it and–“

“You don’t want to go back,” Tony summarised for him.

“I don’t.”

“Then stay with me–“

“I _can_ _’_ _t!”_ Loki was looking at him like a man gone mad. “How could I look myself into the eyes the next time, knowing that I stayed when duty is calling for me?”

“Sometimes duty is not all that there is to life, Loki,” Tony gently reminded him.

“I have to go back–“

“Loki–“

“I _need–“_

“You don’t need to anything.” Tony took hold of Loki’s hands. “The loop might reset again, and you can–“

“ _M_ _í_ _n Li_ _ð_ _i_ ,” Loki whispered and rested his forehead against Tony’s, taking a shuddering breath. “Telja mér at sǫnnu, lika.”

Tony didn’t know what Loki said but he just said, “yes” and Loki relaxed against him.

“See you soon again,” Loki said as last thing, took Tony’s hand in his for a gentle squeeze, then he disappeared.

“JARVIS?” Tony asked, “what did he say?”

“ _To tell him the truth.”_

“I’m supposed to tell him-“ Tony squeezed his eyes shut. “All right. He’ll kill me but it’ll be worth it.”

_“_ _Glad you think so, Sir.”_

**Highway to Hell.**

It was a tough spot Tony found himself in. Of course, it was easy to say he’d promised Loki the truth and when Loki was looking through his memories, he’d inadvertently find the conversation from _yesterday_ and –

It wouldn’t be pretty. What Loki had learnt was reason enough for him to change, to be colder and crueler and did not hesitate to kill Tony. Not that –

He groaned before he said his mornings greeting as he stood up from his makeshift bed. How could he _help_ Loki?

Because Tony refused to let _another friend_ slip through his fingers, plagued by pain and terror as he had to do with Yinsen, still painfully aware of the nightmares he was suffering from tonight. It was by no means _easy_ and despite what broad belief was, Tony did have a heart and he never liked seeing his friends suffer if he could aid them in their plight.

But he _wasn’_ _t allowed to_ _be_ _here_.

So maybe he could do at least that for Loki.

Tony was painfully aware of the cruel trick the universe was playing on him. Finally, someone he could trust and find a friend in, who _believed him_ and could help him, and then _this_ had to happen.

And of course he had promised Loki to call for him in the cave and the tool in his hand was slowly falling from his grip as that realisation sat in; it was like a dull knife slowly cutting him up with tedious movements and he was yelling his pain into a gag.

Nothing made sense, yet everything made sense at the same time.

This _was_ his punishment, despite what Loki was thinking and telling him. It always came back to him, deserving of what he got. Doubt rose in him like a sharp needle prick; _did he truly deserve it though? Hadn’_ _t he suffered enough so far?_

The goggles sat heavily on his nose, a dark edge to his vision. Maybe there was a light at the end of his own tunnel but how could Tony be sure of that, unless he went and tried? By avoiding Loki? By asking him not to look all _too deep_ into his youngest memories? But Tony had the distinct feeling that this was the exact opposite of what would make Loki stop.

His curiosity would be kindled and even if he would not look – he’d ask relentlessly and eventually- Tony would slip up. The thought of lying to his friend sat heavy like a stone in his stomach and didn’t go away either. It sat there, cold, and uncomfortable and the car battery inside of him felt like a warning, humming with electricity as it was.

He had to tell Loki.

Tony closed his eyes in burning defeat, acutely aware of the pain he was going to cause his friend. But maybe –

It was better to find out that way than to learn of his hidden lineage by accident?

 _Hey Loki,_ Tony started to think, and he swore he could hear a clock start to run in the background of his mind. _This is Tony. You might not have heard of me before, but yeah –_

 _This is awkward, coming to think of it._ His eyes fell on the metal before him and he started to create his arc reactor, commenting the happening to Loki.

He wasn’t sure when it had happened but when the arc reactor was done and his day was about to reach the end, Yinsen already looking with a hidden desire towards their beds, Tony started to become aware of eyes on him. They were curious, burning gently and he smiled, sending a small ‘ _thank you’_ to Loki and he heard the traitorous exhale of surprise behind him.

Then, a guard came in, a Stark Industries’ weapon in his hand and a smaller handgun attached to his belt, and Tony felt old fury welling up in him. He still did loathe the sight of that. The guard collected their empty plates and left, not that he needed to give them an hour to finish a bowl of porridge but the thought was appreciated. Which meant, it _wasn’_ _t_.

When Yinsen fell asleep a few minutes later and Tony sat propped up against a pillow, Loki shimmered into appearance. His face spoke of heavy dislike and the yellow light gave his already pale skin an ill shine.

“Iofðungr mín,” Tony said in greeting and tilted his head.

“Liði,” Loki breathed and there was a hint of amazement in his voice. A green shield was encasing them before it dissolved into nothing. “They can’t hear us now.” Loki’s eyes were burning. “Since them not seeing would be of disadvantage.”

“Yes.” Tony snorted and pointed at the bed. “Please, take a seat. I only can offer the bed for what’s worth.”

Loki responded by magicking an elegant chair into the room and took place on that, legs sprawled and a hard glint in his eyes.

“Okay, I’ll guess I just start.” Tony cleared his throat. “My name is Tony Stark, this is _not_ the location I normally spend my time at, this is–“

“Captivity,” Loki interrupted him. “Yes. I can see that. “

“Okay, yes. Look, I need to talk with you about something important and it’s better if we would not do that here.”

“You want me to save you?”

 _Yes._ Tony’s mouth twitched. If Loki saved him, then he would not become Iron Man. Yinsen would stay in the cave. The Ten Rings would still own his weapons and –

It would change the entire history.

“No,” Tony finally concluded and wasn’t that a bitter pillow to take. “I want you to teleport us to a place you feel comfortable at. And then, afterwards, to bring me back here.”

Loki looked surprised at that, his mouth falling open slightly and his lips parted. “Is your mind –“

“It has a reason,” Tony almost _begged_ , “and you’ll understand in a few minutes just–“

He didn’t know what else to say.

He had no plans, he had no idea of how to tell Loki gently he was a Jotunn and that his family had lied to him for ages. It was all going to be a “last-minute” deal and Tony sincerely hoped, it would turn out all right, with as few losses as possible.

“I sense no lie.”

“Because I don’t lie.” _Never to him_ _if Tony could help it._

After a few more moments that felt Loki gazing at the core of his being, he extended an arm and Tony took the offer, and got whisked away only shortly after.

**~ ∞ ~**

He did not know where this _was_. Flowers of all kinds were blooming around him, around him was a tall and green hedge that kept noise away and a few tall and obviously, _old_ trees spent plenty of shadows and escape from the sun. A simple bench stood beneath a thick branch and Loki led him there in silence.

“Where is this?” Tony asked quietly.

“The back garden of a teahouse in Japan,” Loki explained quietly. “It’s the closest I could find on Midgard to Frigga’s gardens. You wanted a place I feel comfortable at; this is the closest I can offer.”

“Thank you.”

“There is no need.” Loki looked him with wariness. “Tell me of your great news, Tony Stark.”

“Actually, would you mind just looking at them?”

“In fact, I would.”

Tony blinked. “Sorry?”

Loki shrugged, a dark expression was running over his features. “You have something important to tell me. So, _tell me_. I will not allow you the easy way out of this.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re a really difficult man sometimes?”

“Often.”

“At least you’re aware of it,” Tony grumbled and cracked his knuckles in absence of not knowing what else to do with them. Loki was looking at him expectantly, his expression not wavering any longer and Tony knew it was time to bite into the bitter lemon and eat the acid.

“I have been trapped for a long while now in a time loop,” he started and made sure to keep eye contact with Loki who leant forward the slightest bit. “I lost count a while ago but I’m confident that I crossed the mark of forty. Probably even fifty. This day today, is always my starting day.” His mouth twitched. “I’m not sure what makes me set back, only that it _does_ , but the date is never firmly set – even when it nowadays seems to be before June the fifth. I met you at the beginning, from today on around six months later.”

And that was how he started to tell Loki in short terms of his loops and he skipped over stuff he thought wasn’t important, focusing more on _Loki_ and how he’d gotten to know him than anything else. The dark shadow on Loki’s face was slowly lifting like the dramatical lifting of the curtain from a theatre and he started to talk faster, words falling from his lips like water from a waterfall –

And Loki was leaning in closer, his hands interlaced and supporting his chin; an image of a child, eager for more and Tony made sure to give –

This all depended on him and as he started to get to the part where Loki _trusted_ Tony, gave impressions of their talks, the steel in Loki’s eyes started to disappear and his face became _softer_. It was a simple transformation and birds were starting to chirp their last tunes before they went to bed, the sky getting darker around them and Tony had to stop talking; his voice hoarse and all but the most important detail, was said.

“I need something to drink,” he gasped and Loki gave him a cup, steaming with coffee and it smelled heavily under the cherry flowers they sat under.

It was quiet.

He drank his coffee and Loki seemed to _think_ , to ponder about Tony’s story and he hoped the Norse god was believing him because he did not know what else he could say. Either his words alone had convinced Loki or he had failed, again.

“I believe you,” Loki eventually spoke up and his voice was clear in the night. “Your tale is too _enthusiastic_ as not to be true, Liði.”

He nodded slowly. That made sense, sort of.

“But-“ Loki continued and his voice, despite its velvet tone chased shivers down his back, “nothing of this seemed important to me enough as that I would have to take you from the cave.”

“That was not _that_ part yet.”

“No?” Loki looked at him amused. “Did I listen to you for nothing then?”

“No. It just so that you _would_ believe me when-“ he broke off, coldness and the taste of a lie he hadn’t spun but was caught in nonetheless, choking him with a brutality so far unknown.

“Liði.”

“We were wondering for loops why you were so changed after you know, we met again at Mjolnir.”

“Yes?”

”You told me why last time.”

“Did I?” Loki looked like he was starting to get fed up with Tony but okay, that was understandable but it wasn’t like this was any easier on Loki either. “Spit it out in one go.”

“Are you sure?”

Loki glared at hm.

Tony raised his arms in defeat. “All right. Good. So, here we go. Your parents lied to you, you’re adopted and that not from a fellow Asgardian family but actually, you’re a Jotun and –“

Loki started to laugh.

“Loki,” Tony said softly. “I’m not joking. That’s what you told me and you said, your father’s name was _Laufey_.”

Loki only laughed harder.

Tony felt helpless as he sat there, and watched his friend laugh more, it shook his whole body and only slowly, it started to ebb as Tony didn’t say anything and –

“You’re not joking,” Loki realised quietly, “and you’re not lying either.”

“No.” Tony shook his head, pained and it seemed as if Loki finally had gotten a taste of the bitter lemon as well. “I wished I was.”

“Laufey?” Loki asked, his voice still a faint whisper in the dark of the night.

“Yes.”

“I _said_ that?”

“Yes.” Because what else was he to say and tears, cold and full of disbelief, were swimming in brilliant green eyes, refusing to spill.

“I’m sorry,” he added.

Loki stood up and extended a hand to him. “I said I’d take you back, didn’t I?”

“Loki, is there-“

“I will deal with this on my own,” Loki interrupted him. “Thank you, for telling me though, Liði.”

He nodded. A, “you’re welcome” would sound wrong in this context and he didn’t know what else to say. Should he offer a hand? A shoulder to cry on?

“I hope to see you again, and if not,” Loki tilted his head to the side, “then I bid you a wonderful life.”

**~ ∞ ~**

When he returned to the cave, it felt colder than before. Loki’s green shield flared the last time up and without another glance back, his friend disappeared and it left Tony feeling cold and like he’d failed him. Yinsen was still sleeping peacefully and Tony hid under his blanket too.

His thoughts were with Loki, what he was doing; and anxiety rose in him, gnawing at him like a hungry beast.

But he didn’t hear more of Loki, and so Tony kept doing what he was supposed to do, created the Mark I, unease coiling in the deep pit of his stomach. He didn’t hear anything from Loki and when he thought to him, there were no eyes on him either.

It made it difficult for him to sleep when he was already fighting with getting enough rest for him, and when Tony woke up a few days later and saw the missile in the yellow light _untouched_ , the relief flooding through him was more telling than anything else.

**Shoot to Thrill.**

Tony slowly blinked awake, he wondered what day it was. He wasn’t sure if he had reset or if he was just continuing the former loop. How could he know? Yellow light was yellow light, it didn’t change, the light bulb always stayed the same and they’d only get new clothes because the old ones were too worn down and cold in this freezing shit hole in about a month.

“Hallelujah!”

“Stark?”

A bitter smile ran over Tony’s lips, and it was gone before it found a place to stay properly. Tony didn’t miss it.

He went to work, talked to Loki in his mind and continued. He would stop planning on how to approach Loki. It was time _perhaps_ to finally trust his gut instincts again and do what he could do best: be _Tony Stark_. Charm people.

It only felt a lot like Tony Stark had got lost and was withering away, a faint memory in the back of his mind where he’d stored everything. Nothing had been lost, all loops were still _there_ even when details were starting to get blurry –

It didn’t matter. Not anymore.

Loki was a distinct presence, watching him in between but he didn’t respond. It was better. But it talking to someone who did _not_ respond, who didn’t give him the same scripted replies over and over again, it helped. Like it did to talk to Loki because nothing was how it used to be; silence never became too boring. Phrases of song lyrics passed his lips as he worked on the arc reactor, the Mark I, executed Yinsen and his escape flawlessly.

He didn’t need Loki for that. He could do this on his own. And Rhodey would in most cases find them because the fires Tony left behind, they were too big to miss and it felt vaguely _satisfying_ , shooting through the yellow. The cave crumbling apart and falling together behind him was his new background soundtrack. He didn’t need Loki for this.

Loki didn’t seem to need him either, did he? It was okay. They were not _friends_ per se, were they? Only ever in some loops; sometimes they killed each other as well, right? How was this healthy? And yet, Tony continued to talk to Loki, soundless words forming sentences Tony would never utter out loud because he _didn’_ _t need him._

If bitterness was to reign him, then Tony gladly would let it. It was time for a change, and he could run on it as well as a car ran on gas. It was motivation, it was _life._ And he could go through this.

More phrases were thought until they became an afterthought. They weren’t anything Tony paid attention to any longer, it was more automatic than anything else. Some would call it a rite. Tony simply added it to his list of obsessions, where he’d also put his car collection and scribbled in the air: formulas were falling from his pen, X and more Xs were added, Ys, ^2. It was a formidable portrayal of madness but as Tony stared at it, a glass of wine in his hand, it all made sense to him. That was _nice,_ wasn’t it?

“You’re becoming lazy.”

Tony smiled, took a sip from his glass and enjoyed the bitter taste, the soft prickle of alcohol on his tongue.

“I’m never lazy,” he replied. “I’m busy, can’t you see that, Loki?”

There was a soft humming sound. When Tony turned his head around, he was alone.

He continued to make his equation work.

After all it was important to figure out how much power he needed and what angle to get an apple into the stratosphere if he were to use a gun.

**~ ∞ ~**

Time didn’t go by quickly and Loki visited a few times. Almost always when Tony failed to speak his regular phrases ( _prayer,_ his mind insisted somewhere). It was as if he was playing with a cat and Tony was the one who held cheese in his hands. But he had the feeling he didn’t know _what_ the cheese was that attracted Loki.

It was a dangerous game to play but it helped Tony to alleviate some of the bitterness he felt; his concerns shoved aside, not being listened to and being killed repeatedly. He was not a patient man and he thought _Loki_ would help him?

Why would he?

After all, time was running, and he hadn’t woken up yet in the yellow light. This was the right way. And he kept playing _catch the cheese_ with Loki, cold velvet appearing increasingly often in his dreams and in his workshop.

**~ ∞ ~**

“Would you start paying _attention to me?”_

Tony looked up from his table, the goggles pressing down on his nose and he turned the welder off.

“Hello, Loki.” He tilted his head, seeing the enraged god in his workshop. It was May.

“ _Stark.”_

“Yes, that’s my name.” He took the goggles off. “So, we can finally have a talk now, yes?”

Confusion was written all over Loki’s face, despite the anger.

“Great,” Tony continued, not even bothering any longer with reading and adapting to Loki’s constant mood swings. “Because I _waited_ for this far longer than you lived.”

“I’m _centuries_ ol-“

“Yeah, yeah. You’re a grown old man.” Tony snorted and walked to the stairs. “Nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Loki was quiet.

“You’re coming now?” Tony yelled over his shoulder, walking on. The cat followed on silent paws; curious until it’s inevitable death.

JARVIS had made sure there were some Four Loko, Tony took out two and threw one at his guest.

“Sit down,” he ordered and wasn’t surprised in the least when Loki remained standing. It was almost _cute_ but Tony simply felt _angry_ ; the injustice of being stuck here, of having to _hope_ that someone else was going to understand what was happening with him and nothing really seemed to go forward. The drink tasted interesting but Tony kind of wished it was more alcohol in it.

“You are rude,” Tony said, throwing a leg over the other. “You kill me most of the time we meet. You _are_ confusing me, make no sense and _every time_ I think I have figured you out, you do something entirely unexpected. Your coding, Loki, is messed up.” He took a sip, enjoying the moment as colour left Loki’s face.

“I learn for you a language which is not existent any longer, I –“ and Tony found his mouth was running off without him. There was no stop and to his greatest surprise, Loki chose to stay and let it all wash over him. He was silent, the can in his hand not even _pressed_ and it made him even angrier.

“Have you finally spewed all your vitriol?” Loki asked. He put the can down. “I am _forced_ to listen to your endless rambles for months when I am preparing for my brother’s coronation. You _ignore me_ when I come and _still_ –“ he glared down his nose at Tony, coldly. “You talk. There is so much yearning in your words and a wish for saving, to escape from the hell you have created yourself–“

“-That is _not_ true –“

And Loki kept talking, his words, bullets, piercing Tony where it hurts the most. He must have forgotten the band-aids in his bathroom.

“And yet you throw away your chances, thinking you _deserve_ this when nothing is further from the truth.” Loki shook his head. “I wish I could stop hearing you in my mind.”

They stared at each other.

Perhaps the exchange was doomed to fail, a last great fall before –

Well, before what?

Tony swallowed bile, refusing to close his eyes even as they start to sting and burn. He _wouldn_ _’_ _t_ show Loki his word hit him. Loki shook his head, drew his shoulders back. “Until the next time, Stark. May it be under more fortunate circumstances.”

**Thunderstruck.**

The yellow light hit him behind the eyelids. A groan formed in Tony’s chest, heavy and loaded with regret and flat out, _disappointment_. He was back in the cave again and he didn’t have to open his eyes for that. The loop –

Was it bad to say it had felt _good_? To just, _defy_ expectations and go on with his life, following just the closest parameters and did not give a shit about etiquette? He’d felt like himself, before the truck had been blown into air and carefree, all fucks having been thrown out of the window. It was _fascinating_ that he hadn’t reset earlier but –

There was a chance he’d been following the rules just close enough. He had to get out of _here_. Perhaps –

He shouldn’t tell Loki of his heritage. Not even bother to try because if he did, Loki would _leave,_ and he would wake up in the cave again. Tony was sick of seeing the Ten Rings and their minions, sick of them using _his_ weapons, sick of –

Himself.

“Hallelujah.” His mouth twitched and cold settled inside of him.

It freed a _suspicion_ that had been lurking below his skin for a while. What wouldn’t he give right now for a hug of Rhodey or Pepper? He could smell her expensive perfume, the delicate note in the air and he missed Rhodey’s ‘ _Are you kidding me, Tones?’_ judgemental stare. Happy’s cheerful, if not a little naïve way of living and him having Tony’s back, even his front at times.

“Stark?”

He could go to therapists all the wanted, but in the end, they were nothing but crutches to get him to the exit. _Loki_ was just a set of it as well, and _yes_ , Tony most likely needed him. But –

He had to find the strength himself to get to the end. He _couldn_ _’_ _t_ put his fate into someone else’s hands, what had he been thinking? Not of Loki, _that_ was for sure.

Was it a blessing to start again, to have his mind _restored_ to the beginning like it was the first time? Was it _that_?

Loki was a Jotunn. Hearing it _now_ wouldn’t help either of them. The time was not _quite right_.

The _timing_.

_Oh._

Tony could have slapped himself. Here he was and philosophising the greatest shit together and the solution –

He just had to give Loki _more time_ so he could stay with _Tony_. Which meant in conclusion he had to get Loki’s full story out of him because only then –

A grin started to spread on his lips, and his hands fell into a familiar rhythm of opening the missiles’ head to get the palladium out of the missiles. It was _easy_ and Tony felt grateful he knew his way around that; he focused on thinking how to get the story out of Loki since that was the more important part. If he got Loki to tell him what happened _since_ the beginning; how Thor ended up in SHIELD’s cell in the first place, how Loki became king –

If Loki wasn’t the king, then he was more likely to stay because he could trust others to do his duties or could simply do them in Tony’s mansion –

They could enjoy tea and coffee together, go and cause chaos and take a swim in the pool and –

The metallic head fell apart with a cold _clink_ under his hands and Tony picked out the core, getting closer to what he wanted. He would find a way to get Loki to stay. If the mountain didn’t come to the prophet, the prophet had to go to the mountain or something like that.

 _Of course_ , and Tony started to feel lighter as a half plan started to form inside of his head, _it would be much easier if he started to talk to Loki again._

And so, he did. The words were only inside of his head but there was a new ease to how he thought them. The _neediness_ was gone – that’s what he liked to think – and it was less stressful. Loki told him he _had_ to listen to him even if he didn’t want to. Which was less nice for him but there was nothing Tony could do about that and it _did_ play out to his advantage.

Yinsen eyed him strangely but set out to work as well and in the corner, the camera blinked red, recording every one of their steps for the Ten Rings in the hope they caught them doing something forbidden and had a visual guidebook on how to recreate the Jericho.

Tony would rather take a bath again then to let that happen.

 _Hello, Loki. Sorry for all the rambles you’_ _re going to get but well, this is important, at least for me._ He chuckled. _My name is Tony Stark and_ _–_

He rambled on, filling the silence in the yellow dipped cave with noise and a search for companionship as Yinsen and he went to bed, trying to fall asleep. But Tony knew he wasn’t going to get any, too –

He didn’t know how to name this feeling. Euphory? Was it that? But it felt _off_ , the word not fitting _yet_ and there was a small tingling sensation on his temples; Loki was listening, paying attention to his words _consciously_. It was –

A fresh breath of air around his nose and Tony couldn’t wait until they got out of here. _Which_ _–_

He had to get Loki’s story as first thing, correct?

Would it –

Would it be _wrong_ if he neglected the Ten Rings for now and –

 _Skipped everything_?

The blanket atop him suddenly felt too hot. Without giving it a lot of thought, Tony sat up, the blanket slipping from him. If he got out _now,_ or in the next few days as Loki had offered to get him out –

He’d miss out on his glorious revenge. But – and that was far more important right now since he was going to reset _anyway_ – he would have more time to get to know Loki better and then weasel out of him what was happening in godland. So, he would know _what_ at what _time_ and then June 2nd would be so much easier and –

In the next loop he could do _something_ and get Loki to befriend him again and then ask Loki basically what had happened after Detail B, and get to hear about C, D, E and so many more. And that for so long until he got the full story out of him.

He had a plan now, didn’t he?

 _This –_ whatever fucking bullshit of a groundhog phenomenon this was – was going to end, not quite within the next few loops, Tony knew better than that- but he had 12% of a plan and there was nothing that was going to stop him.

_He got this._

**~ ∞ ~**

One week later he was sure Loki was watching him more intently, becoming more curious about the _mortal_ who kept talking to him like they were friends. Tony wasn’t sure himself if they were right now but they were going to be _friends_ again after a lot more talking.

Three days later Loki dropped in the cave at night after Yinsen fell asleep and materialised next to Tony’s cot, an unreadable expression on his face.

“You are Tony Stark,” Loki said as a greeting, his hands folded in front of him in a triangle.

“Loki, Iofðungr mín.” Tony smiled softly. “It’s nice to see you again in person.”

There was a curious gleam in Loki’s eyes before it disappeared again, hiding behind the unreadable mask. “We have met.”

“We have. A lot, often.” A chuckle escaped Tony’s lips. “You told me –“

“To call you, yes. But you haven’t told me yet when I ordered you to do so apparently. Neither have you confessed how we made acquaintances either.”

“Do you want me to tell you or do you want to take a look for yourself?” Tony cocked his head to the side. “It’s your call.”

Loki didn’t say anything for a moment. “You are _flippant_ , human.”

“It’s Tony.” He tutted gently. “C’mon, take a look. We’ve got a lot of work cut out for us, Charming.”

And _well_ , that seemed to do the trick. Loki’s hand was cold as it touched Tony’s forehead gently, a tingle of green magic ran through him and –

It was so easy to just let Loki in. It had been a while, not if Tony probably thought it’s been since Loki last did so but – He still remembered how to grant him access. He relaxed against the hand, and even when his first instinct was to shove Loki away, he let go of that urge. Loki wasn’t going to harm him – not this time.

And if it was possible, then not in the future again either.

Loki was a gentle invader, his presence in Tony’s head barely noticeable not when Tony just let it happen and doors opened inside of him and Loki took a sneak peek at everything, lingered here and there longer if it seemed to interest him more than anything else. And wasn’t that interesting that Loki never chose to look at the same things for the same amount of time? He focused on a different memory, a different loop each time they did this.

It was exciting, it made Tony frown and wonder how in hell that was possible because –

What did that tell him about Loki at that moment? _That_ was fascinating to think about and there was a ripple of amusement coming from Loki. _Ah shit._ Now that was a problem for later to concern himself with.

Loki drew back a few breaths later, his hand swiping Tony’s sweat away with a flicker of green. Tony felt still a bit sick; small _consequences_ and yadi-yadah.

Loki looked _disturbed_.

_Ah._

Right.

“I should have warned you, perhaps?” Tony offered in a small voice.

“No, no.” Loki shook his head. “It is only a wonder you haven’t gone insane yet, Tony Stark. After all that you went through.”

_What, no mention of the J_ _o_ _tunn thing?_

“Did you see the thing with your family?” Tony asked him, hesitant as always.

“That I am to be king?” Loki nodded slowly. “Yes. But I didn’t stay anywhere for too long. Your mind is a mess, it was –“ he stopped. “I’m still not sure if I got all the important parts. You want me to tell you my story as far as I can on June the 2nd, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Thor is a mortal?”

“The blond Lebowski in the cell? Yes.”

Loki nodded, looking traumatised.

 _Oh._ Yeah. Maybe that was a bit disturbing to see your brother who was crown prince and oh so loved by daddy almighty reduced into being a human. Not that there was anything inherently wrong with that – in Tony’s opinion. But he would probably face the same fears if someone just turned his JARVIS into a cockroach and call it done and he’d only see it in the passing. Yeah. Not so nice.

But that meant –

Loki hadn’t _seen_ the whole Jotunn debacle, had he?

“How does the whole mind shebang work?” he wondered out loud. “You see everything?”

“No.” Loki looked at him confused. “You see too much within a single day, details are forgotten, even entire hours of your life. I see what swims on the surface if I go in as I did right now, just stumbling through your mind. If you tell me what to look for I see more of that and can pull the accordingly memories up. If you think of something I have to see, I get lead into that direction.”

“So when you were amused-“

“I have a clear picture as to why; you threw it at me.” There was a smirk playing on Loki’s lips. “It was rather adorable.”

“Oh great. Now the prince of Assgard thinks I’m _adorable_.”

“You are.” Loki chuckled. Then he turned serious again. “But in all sincerity, what is your next plan, Tony? Do you wish to remain here?”

 _He hadn’_ _t gotten his water bath yet._

“I wouldn’t mind leaving.” Tony licked his lips. “But – it would be nice if the timeline isn’t going to change all too much. It’s –“

_A comfort thing._

“Of course.” Loki nodded. “I can speed up the making of your armour if you wish for that?”

“You can do that?”

Loki nodded. “Your captors cannot see me and it would be a matter of seconds to get your suit to where you want it to be.” He threw another look at Tony’s face. “I would only have need of a more in-depth explanation of how your suits works so I won’t build it the wrong way.”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all,” Loki confirmed with a grin.

“My mind’s all yours,” Tony said with a grin that matched Loki’s. “Go for it, baby.”

“Did I ever allow you to call me so?”

“No,” Tony replied cheekily. “But it’s fun anyway.”

Loki snorted and then let Tony explain to him in detail how the suit was meant to work and how each part reacted with the other. He wasn’t quite sure if Loki understood _everything_ but he seemed to get the idea and after a few more questions, Loki walked over to where Tony had assembled the suit parts.

“If I were you, I’d wake my companion.” Loki threw him a glance over the shoulder. “You can get out of here in a few minutes.”

“Great,” Tony said. His mind stumbled around before it came to a full stop. _“_ _Wait –“_

“Yes?” Loki looked amused.

“You can work the suit that quickly?”

“I’m not my brother.” Loki arched a brow. “Get ready, Tony Stark.”

He hasted over to Yinsen’s side and shook the man awake. “The suit is almost done,” he hissed. “C’mon, get up!”

“Mr Stark–“

“Later. C’mon, we’ve got to do it now.”

It seemed as if his urgency had swapped over to Yinsen because in the next second, the man stood up. Sleep seemed to still rule him but that was okay –

Tony would take care of him. He wasn’t going to let him die. He threw a scarf around Yinsen’s throat – he remembered the burn marks he’d gotten once because the suit had heated up so much – and stepped into the metallic boots.

Loki for his part was _excited_ , a grin on his face and as soon as Tony had the boots on, he helped to make Yinsen work _faster_ and the bolts were quicker hammered in too. It was amazing teamwork, especially when one considered they’d never worked together.

Yinsen only threw confused looks at his hands, not daring to believe he was able to work so fast, maybe? And as soon as the suit was done, Loki started the computer which worked _faster_ as usual too.

This was –

Exciting was one way to put it. Adrenaline was rushing through Tony and Loki told him quietly in his ear, his captors had the urge to go _pee_ right now, all three of them and no, neither of them found it weird.

His mouth twitched at the confusion Loki was creating with his magic.

They were out of the cave about nine minutes later, the cave falling apart and flames were licking at the weapons and tents outside. Everybody who’d been near to them was dead as usual and Tony kicked off, Yinsen safe in his hands and they flew through the flames just as they started to soar higher and he could hear a cackle which was neither his nor Yinsen’s.

_Damn._

He owed the man an apology later, right? For letting him … well, be conjured on by Loki without his consent. And yet Tony couldn’t find in himself an ounce of regret because it had been _worth it_. Two weeks! That was his record as of now and everything had _gone well_ –

Nothing was going to stop him now.

Rhodey arrived a few minutes later after they had a daring landing and Loki told him he was going to wait for Tony at his home, 10880 Malibu Point. Good teamwork.

**~ ∞ ~**

The media was still in a frenzy, even when it’s had been only two weeks without Tony Stark not three months. That was touching. He told Pepper of the mole they had, ignored Obadiah as they arrived back in the US, got hamburgers, and had his damn press conference.

There was a reporter in the third row who seemed to have way too much fun as Tony announced to the world that SI would shut down the weapon manufacturing from now on and everything and _everybody_ yelled and tried to gain control of the situation.

The thing was –

There was no control.

There was only the mechanism one could move into one direction or the other but no full control, not ever.

It had taken Tony far too long to understand.

**~ ∞ ~**

Yinsen stayed for a while, Loki stayed and was an extremely good employee of SI, and Pepper was grateful for having him. Well, Tony still skipped meetings and helped Pepper transition into her role as CEO as Obadiah was facing his first trial and this time, Tony attended without a lot of care for the fate of the man.

He was facing justice and SI’s lawyers were sharks, out for blood and the PR-Team made sure that the name ‘Obadiah Stane’ was forever stained with tales of betrayal and treason, not only at SI but also at the American people and the military.

Loki – and Tony was kind of hesitant to admit that – was turning into a friend for him again. And he was hesitant because what if it got _ruined_ again? But he let it happen and Loki was _hilarious_ , and kind of obsessed with Four Loko as any Loki should be.

And time was running forwards on four legs and probably had a rocket shoved up its ass, because it was already going on to the end of May. That meant that Loki had to leave for Thor’s coronation for a while longer and it wasn’t just the small visits anymore. May had been –

Often alone since Loki was on Asgard and help with the coronations and his _other plan_ and he didn’t –

 _Tell_ Tony of that as of yet because _Heimdall was watching_ and yes, he could do a spell but Loki didn’t want to risk it. That was _fair,_ considering Loki was probably committing treason and had a bad conscience already because he was kind of stabbing his brother in the back – even when he was a douche, after what Loki tended to let slip – so he gave the dude a pass.

_For now._

And then the time was there and Loki was about to leave, the tea from his mug already gone and the smell of bacon had long since gone from Tony’s house.

“We’ll see each other again soon,” Loki told him gently but stern.

“I know.” Tony shrugged. “Only a few days.”

And yet it felt like a fucking eternity _already_ and he still had Loki’s hand in his, holding it for a goodbye that happened a few times now. It _hurt_ and his soul was screaming into the sun which only just started to rise, dunking the sky in a tender orange and yellow.

“Have faith.”

“Atheist,” Tony responded, almost absently.

“Have faith, still.” Loki’s eyes danced with mirth. “Nothing can be as bad as you fear it to be.”

He squeezed the hand in his, trying not to think about why the hand was cold. Because he knew –

And Loki would do so in a few days as well.

“Don’t be mad at me,” he squeezed out. “I can’t tell you because it will end badly.”

“What will end badly?” Loki frowned.

“You’ll know when the time comes.” He forced a grin on his lips. “Just, don’t be mad at me, okay? I _tried_ but it’s – well, not me to tell you of this. _Yet._ I can-“

“-Tell me when you know more about what happens?”

“Yeah.”

Loki simply nodded. Then he left without further ado, his green seiðr pulling him in and away.

Tony went back inside and tried to fill the silence in his house with music and coffee.

**~ ∞ ~**

June 2nd came far too slowly; a snail would’ve been faster, and Tony waited with bated breath for Loki to appear.

“ _Loki!”_

“Stark.”

The coldness in Loki’s voice made him draw up short.

“I –“

“You told me not to be mad.”

He nodded, a sinking feeling in his gut.

“I’m not.” Loki looked down at his hands, looked back up to Tony. “You said you’ve tried but it didn’t work out. Can you promise me that you’ll tell me the story as soon as you’re able to?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to promise me you _will_ tell me the story as soon as you’re able to. And not –“

“I will.”

“The loop will reset when I go back to Asgard, won’t it?”

“Yes.”

Loki waved him forward, his fingers looking out of place in their quick movement as Tony walked forward, too slow to have it considered as a normal _walking_ pace.

“We can spend days with me telling you about what happened.” He took Tony’s hand in his, cold fingers encircling his wrist. “But I think it is about time that you get to see what my mind looks from the inside, don’t you?” And there was a small smile flitting over Loki’s face.

“Wait, I’ll be –“

“Yes.” Loki took a deep breath and for Tony it felt like, he took it straight from his own lungs and inhaled his oxygen. “Not many have been granted this privilege before.”

“Well, the only one who looked inside of my mind was you,” Tony tried to lift the mood up. But Loki barely smiled at that. He felt _old_. There was something about Loki now that Tony had experienced last when he was at Jarvis and Ana’s house, both older and with more grey in their hairs. Both still so undeniable _happy_ but –

They had been something around them which made Tony think of them as _old_ , not necessarily from the age but –

Whatever it was, it was floating around Loki and hit Tony straight in the chest. His heart throbbed because that was _his friend_ and he could see the uncertainty in the green eyes as he laid his hand on Loki’s forehead; he recognised the fear and the bitter resignation.

And most importantly, he felt it as he seemed to fall forward, a giant nothingness; a maelstrom of pictures and impressions and he could hear a child laugh, somewhere. There were whispers and –

It all felt so cold here.

Tony was floating in Loki’s mind, there was no better way of describing it and he let himself be pulled forwards to the time of the coronation.

It was a _mess_.

Thor was –

Yeah, it was no wonder Loki decided to delay the coronation because Tony felt sick just thinking about that idiot _ruling_ and oh –

Oh, didn’t he know this feeling? It was a quiet melody in all memories Loki showed him, it was barely audible, and some might have missed it. But Tony knew it well, so he recognised the tune, the disdain under all the beauty.

He drew slowly back, trying to remember everything that he’d seen. Loki’s decision, when he’d made them and why. His plan for the next loop would be to find a plan to prevent this all from _happening_ in the first place. And then he had to figure out how to make that possible before he could focus on his own dilemma again.

It was a plan.

“Thank you for showing me,” he said quietly.

Loki gave a stiff nod. “Until we see other again.”

He disappeared and Tony started the loop again.

**Jail Break.**

He had one mission. One job, one opportunity. And that was to make Loki _stay_ with him so they got over June 5th and Tony finally could _continue._ It wasn’t that difficult, it couldn’t be. Tony stood up with the “Hallelujah!” on his lips and went through every motion again.

It was time to figure out a plan. He had a coronation to prevent.

Not that Tony knew _exactly_ what he was going to do because for some obvious reasons he was on _Earth_ and Loki on Asgard but –

He’d find a way.

This was him, pulling an Arthur Conan Doyle: he knew what the result was to be, he knew the mechanics, now he just had to make the case. If that was the right order, that was. Tony cracked his knuckles, and let Loki’s words, his _images_ run through his mind.

It was strangely – intimidating. Soft. An odd touch of tenderness, if he thought about this too deep but he didn’t have the time for that. He had “𝑥”, now he had to create the equation. Yes. That sounded better. He could work with mathematic.

Loki knew at this point that Thor was going to become king of Asgard. He was trying to forge a plan to stop the coronation, not _forever_ but stall it long enough for Thor to grow and become the king ‘he was meant to be’ or some other sentimental bullshit.

That meant killing or maiming Thor was out of question. Which was good because Tony didn’t feel like killing anybody these days. Not, that he wouldn’t do it if need be, but it was always better if he _didn_ _’_ _t have to_. He could –

Well, if he presented himself as an _experienced plan changer,_ then Loki might be open to talking and plotting with him about gunpowder, treason, and plot. Or something like that.

Tony started to forge plans in the darkness, forgetting about contacting Loki and was occupying his mind. He was a man who worked with his hands but he –

He also enjoyed using his mind when he could because no mind, no thoughts, therefore no creating process. In 90% of all cases, the others were him being drunk, high, or sleep deprived.

He had a plan, half of one at least. His fingers worked quickly on the Jericho Missile, the Iron Man suit he knew in his sleep how to build by now, and his arc reactor, his little baby. Tony craved getting out of the cave but he would not contact Loki before he had most of his stuff sorted out.

He’d rather now ran around in the States with a fucking _car battery_ attached to his chest, thank you very much, he was Tony Stark, he had some style. Someone had to set a bar, even when of course, nobody could reach it because who could? It was darkly amusing and it felt so _normal_ to think this, it was – cathartic, Tony found.

Then, he started talking to Loki again in his mind, tried to find this link between them again. He rambled without thought as he and Yinsen forged their escape.

**~ ∞ ~**

The time where Loki finally appeared in front of him – Tony might have slipped here and there a hint about knowing of his dilemma and he had a solution or eight – was when Tony sat on his most recent Iron Man suit, the first trial from Obadiah was running on a low volume in the background. _To keep up appearances,_ he told himself even though only JARVIS was here. Yinsen was getting interviewed, and Pepper as well as Rhodey were busy with official tasks from Stark Industry and the military.

“Hello, Loki,” Tony said simply and put the helmet down.

“Stark.” Loki looked at him like a curious cat, debating whether to eat him or not. “You said you have a solution to my problem.”

Tony nodded. “I do.”

“Splendiferous.” Loki’s dry tone suggested he meant the exact opposite of that. “Tell me, how did it happen that you know of my plan in _detail?_ And instead of going to Odin, you promise to stay quiet and help me out instead?”

“Ah.” Tony cleared his throat. “Now this is always the interesting part to you. How about you take a look at my mind?”

If only business transactions worked as quick as his interactions with Loki started to happen, and then with _good_ results as well. It was a pipe dream Tony held onto with all his strength. Loki looked around in his mind, stared at his memory and eventually saw himself talking to Tony about his failed plan. “Talking”.

If Tony had to judge on how Loki felt afterwards, he would say it was something along the lines of, “I am so shocked but I won’t tell or show, because I am Loki of Asgard”. It was cute. Reminded him very much of his crush at MIT who was way too old to behave like that but somehow never mastered emotional vulnerability and openness. Not, that it was any surprise because Tony wasn’t any better but he was a teenager. So, totally points to him for that. He took it from the other’s account. Equilibrium was nice.

“What is your glorious plan?” Loki sounded quiet.

“You get me to Asgard.” Tony shrugged. “Then I’ll make sure that Thor won’t be coronated.”

Loki’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

“-I won’t kill him, what do you think I am?”

Loki looked more relaxed by that, but he still didn’t look all too – enthused, by Tony’s suggestion. Which wasn’t very nice. He did his best here and what was the thanks?

“I can set off a simple bomb, Thor should react to that way too brutally. And tada, there’s your solution.” Tony smirked. “Depending on how extra you want his reaction to be, you can –“

“I cannot bring a mortal to Asgard.”

“You can’t?”

Black hair swayed gently from the left to the right. “No. No mortals are allowed on Asgard. Haven’t been for centuries.”

“That’s rude.”

“It is how it is.” Loki nodded at him. “I thank you for your ideas but –“

“Why won’t you smuggle me then to Asgard?” Tony interrupted him.

Loki drew up short.

“I mean, it would be in your nature to do so, wouldn’t it? All the chaos, and then you get me back to Earth and you haggle out the chaos with Thor and Odin –“

“Are you asking me to commit even more _treason_?” The sharpness of Loki’s voice cut him down to the bone. “Is it not enough that I plan to stall my brother who I swore to-“

“Loki.” Tony rubbed a hand over his face. “There is only so much we can do to –“

“-I will _not_ break another law and bring insult to my house.”

“Now that is a bit farfetched, don’t you think?” Tony started to get annoyed. Getting him to Asgard would be for the better. For _all_ involved. And okay, maybe that was treason for Loki, but what would one more treason matter in the greater picture? They could not waste time on marginal details that wouldn’t matter anymore when shit was over.

“No.” Loki shook his head. “I won’t. There are limits to everything, and this is one.”

Tony restarted the loop a few minutes after Loki had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mín kærr Iofðungr, lika – vitja mér? = my dear prince, please - visit me?  
> Annask þík = Take care of yourself  
> Telja mér at sǫnnu, lika = Tell me the truth, please


	9. Chapter 9

**Algorithm.**

That had been a big fat ‘No’ to going to Asgard. Tony shook his head as he woke up, the yellow light hurting his eyes, already alone because of its existence. He started to hate it. No, not _started_ , he already _did_ hate it. So much for “starting”. What a fucking lie.

 _All right._ A smile played on his lips as he went to begin the loop anew; his brain already shifting into its working mode. If he couldn’t go to Asgard, then he had to go about it in a different way.

Maybe he should get Loki to do his job for him? That shouldn’t be _that_ difficult. Not since Loki functioned similarly like him: eager to get his own stuff done without any influential help from the outside. It wasn’t necessarily healthy, Tony had started to realise that on his looping, but it was what it was and how he simply ticked. Nothing to be done about that.

If he wanted Loki to stay with him, then he had to prevent him from leaving. He nodded absently. He’d already had that covered last time. Now, how to prevent Loki from becoming the king of Asgard? It would be for the best if Loki didn’t even get the chance to sit on that golden throne in the first place. Which meant, he couldn’t be allowed to –

_Oh._

A grin started to form on Tony’s lips. Not _Loki_ was the problem he had to solve. Loki was perfect where he was, and it would be easy to have him stay right where he was. No, the real problem here was _Odin._ If Odin was to stay _awake_ and didn’t conveniently pass out, then he would keep the throne occupied with his fat ass, ergo Loki would not be needed to warm the throne, therefore not cause the whole ruckus in the first place, which meant that Loki didn’t _have_ to go through the whole shebang as he usually did and – _yes._ Good thinking. Right there.

First-order condition: Odin was not allowed to go to sleep.

Second-order condition I: Tony had to step in _before_ Odin was going to announce Thor as the future king of Asgard.

Second-order condition II: He had to find out when that was going to happen and have Loki trust him at this point already.

Which meant he had his job cut out for this loop.

Tony licked his lips. _Easy._

It took him about a month after his escape to get Loki to visit him in his house in Malibu and another month to get out of Loki when Odin had announced Thor as the future king.

April 12th.

Tony reset the loop after a few days where he simply spent time with Loki and enjoyed the prickling sensation of a Four Loko on his tongue.

**Common Factors.**

It became easier, to wake up and go to work, the “Hallelujah!” on his lips. The arc reactor was built in no time, and the suit took on shape as well.

Tony didn’t have to think long about how he could let Odin stay awake for longer. There was a memory flashing up in his head, however blurry it was, about a _plant_ and a biology scientist who –

Well. It was time to get home and hunt down Maya Hansen and her work. He’d cracked the formula to Extremis once before, hadn’t he? He just … couldn’t remember the beginning of how Extremis started, but he knew the end. Maybe. Probably. Open to debate in a secluded circle with only him and JARVIS present.

So, no Loki this time. Not, until he’d perfected Extremis – he didn’t want to make Odin a too powerful bastard suddenly – but certainly strong enough not to take an unfortunately timed nap, and only _maybe_ grow a bit stronger. Couldn’t be that bad, could it? The only –

_Wait a second._

Tony almost dropped the arc reactor as he realised something vital.

If he were Loki, then he wouldn’t, under no circumstances _ever,_ take some _magical brew_ from basically a stranger he didn’t know but who claimed that this would help his dad out from his condition that Loki didn’t even seem to be aware of _yet._

A dark thought flitted through his head that he would have taken it because at some point Tony didn’t care if he got his old man killed or not. Only his mom, and Jarvis, not _them,_ but Howard –? The man who was never there and only raised him to take over his business one day, to carry on the legacy of the great Stark name? Tony almost snorted in disgust.

Maybe this was where he and Loki differed from each other. Loki was a _loyal bastard_ to the core: to his kingdom and his family.

The coronation wasn’t to stall _Thor_ from turning into the king he was meant to be, it was to protect the kingdom and his family. And probably to show them all that _Loki_ had been right all along about Thor’s unfitness to rule. That was some good validation kink right there. Not, that Tony was judging because honestly, he felt that to his bones. There was a chance they weren’t _that_ different, after all.

Maybe he should start making up his mind about that.

That meant that – he had to involve Loki in the creating process of Extremis. And either he did that from the beginning or – he would only do that when he’d perfected the formula and then –

Yeah, that sounded like a great idea.

**~ ∞ ~**

He escaped two weeks later, Maya Hansen in the front of his mind, and Yinsen in his arms. The other surely wondered why Tony was so obsessed with … _biology_ and _brains_ because Tony Stark wasn’t – wasn’t usually known for taking interest in those things. Which was fair because up to that point, Tony Stark had been spoken synonymously with _weapons_ and _Military_ so –

Yet if he never shocked people then where’d be his fun left?

“Maya Hansen,” he said into his phone, a glass of champagne in his hand as his friends were celebrating his return. “Long time, no seen, no heard.”

“ _Tony?”_

“In person.” He laughed. “I’m just back from a prolonged holiday in Afghanistan and –“

“ _Ye- yeah, I heard about that. But – shouldn’t you celebrate with your friends?”_

“Oh, I am, don’t worry.” He laughed some more, took a sip from the champagne. “I’m sure you’ve seen or heard about the press conference I gave just a few minutes ago.”

“ _Hard not to_.” She sighed. “ _Tony, we haven’t talked to each other in about ten years. What do you want?”_

“Extremis.”

“ _Of course.”_ Maya sounded bitter.

“And to take care of our kid. In case there’s one and you chose never to tell me about them.”

“ _There’s none, don’t you worry._ ”

“Oh good, because I’m not ready to be a father.”

Maya laughed at the other end of the phone before she turned serious again. “ _Tony, I can’t give you Extremis like that.”_

“I’m paying you.”

“ _Tony –“_

“Listen, this is important. Maya –“

“ _Listen, I’m under contract somewhere else, Tony. Unless you’re thinking of buying AIM, I don’t see how you’ll get your hands on Extremis.”_

“AIM, you said?” He threw a look at Pepper. “See you in a bit, Maya.”

Pepper bought more than half of AIM’s stocks a few days later. She’d only asked if he was sure about that but he pointedly only told her, “ _mole_ ,” and she went to work. Rhodey watched curiously and Yinsen was excited to get to work with Extremis, and another scientist.

**~ ∞ ~**

Needless to say, Maya was _enthused_ when she heard who’d taken over AIM and some Aldrich Killian was foaming with anger. Not that Tony particularly cared. He enjoyed the days he with Maya and Yinsen, both taken a liking to teasing and roasting him mercilessly but also dived into the science binging with a passion Tony had missed experiencing.

It was nice, to finally do something productive again and Maya for some reason, still had the note Tony had given her _years_ ago, that didn’t make any particular sense.

They sacrificed about five banana plants and an orchid Pepper forgot to get into safety. The results were – _spectacular._ One way of putting it.

“What are you planning to do with Extremis?” Maya asked him one day while Yinsen was already asleep in his bedroom.

“Saving humanity.”

“Sure.” Maya laughed dryly. “That’s somewhere your goal, I don’t doubt that. You’re not the type for bald-faced lies.” Her eyes rested on Tony. “But that’s not everything that there is to it, am I right?”

Tony smiled at her. “No.”

“ _And_ you’re not going to tell me, are you?”

“No, I won’t.” Tony grabbed his drink from the table.

“Killian wants to kill you.” Maya dropped as the next thing.

“He wants _what?”_ Tony raised his brows. “Isn’t that a bit _extreme_?”

“No.” Maya shook her head. “You bought his business out, Tony, and took Extremis. Do you really think he’d just let that slide?”

“Maybe.” Tony shrugged. He was a bit put off that she hadn’t laughed at his – admittedly awful – pun. “What is he going to do? Fire a few bombs at my house?”

“ _Maybe._ ”

“He doesn’t have the money to get those in the first place.”

“Now that is unfortunate for him.” Maya snorted. “You’re sure about that?”

Tony shrugged. “If he wants to try, he’s welcome to do so. But I won’t just let him do what he wants.”

“You’ll stop him.”

“Of course.” Tony tilted his head.

Maya ran away in that night, Extremis in her hands. Tony … couldn’t really begrudge her for that but it didn’t matter that she did that. Tony already had what he needed to know.

People couldn’t win against him anymore.

**Integers.**

_Extremis, Extremis, Extremis._

Tony almost chanted the word as he worked through the following days. The word, the formula, it became his new obsession and Yinsen kept throwing him weird, curious looks as Tony worked like a madman on the arc reactor and the suit.

“Are you not mad they have your weapons?” Yinsen asked him.

“I am.” Tony screwed in a new bolt. “But that’ll have to wait till the time is right.”

Yinsen only nodded and let Tony continue his work. Maybe if Tony thought more about Extremis, he could pretend that he didn’t miss Loki. He’d grown accustomed to his presence and his scathing remarks, his mad and astonishing ideas, and all the things they got up to.

Even when at times, it was only them reading (Loki) and gaming (Tony). And as much as he liked Yinsen and all the others, Loki _knew_ him, better than all of them combined. Must be the advantage of having read his mind, Tony thought with bitter amusement and continued to work.

_Extremis._

_Soon,_ he promised himself, _he could talk to Loki again._ It wasn’t going to take long to perfect Extremis, and then tweak it a bit here and there. A fire-spiting Odin didn’t sound that great and Tony had this feeling in his gut, that Loki wouldn’t be so fond of that either.

Tony managed to get an extra day in as they finished the suit a day earlier – they’d been lucky that Tony functioned well when he barely slept, and spite was driving him to burn the bastards rather sooner than later. He _hated_ it when they dunked him and maybe it was better to get a rest, yes, but Tony didn’t _feel_ like a rest, he wanted to work. Get Extremis done. It was simple to follow through. So what if he avoided the shower in the military base again? He could work through that at a later loop again.

This was cheating, most likely. Giving his _fear_ free reign but Tony thought he had his priorities sorted out and Extremis ranked higher than some water angst. _Easy._

**~ ∞ ~**

Sweat was dripping down his forehead as he worked on the formula, all calls had been put on hold. Rhodey had expressed his dislike extremely strongly via text – really, how _rude_ of him, Pepper blamed it on the shock he’d to go through with the discovery of Obadiah’s betrayal and Yinsen? He simply took it in a stride and worked with Tony on the exploding issue.

Was he stealing Maya’s work? _Yes._

Tony promised himself that as soon as he’d done his shit, he was going to help Maya out; get rid of AIM, he hadn’t liked what she’d told him about Killian and honestly? SI could always do well with many more different departments, and she never would have to know that Tony – stole her work. Yeah.

Maya would get the credit on Extremis, Killian was out of the field then, and Pepper could go and hook up with Natasha.

Not to forget that nurse, Linda Carter. She refused Obadiah entry to his room when he’d asked for it. Tony would not pretend that he wasn’t remembering that.

Carter, Hansen, Romanoff, if he was being honest, Rhodey, Pepper, Happy, Yinsen. They all deserved a _medal_ for putting up with him and the bullshit he put them through. Most of them didn’t even know what he did to them, or what he took _from_ them. It was good if they never learnt of his _missteps_.

“Stark,” Yinsen said as Tony stared at his cars. “ _Stark!”_

“Yes?” He turned his head around.

“I think I have the solution.” Yinsen held up a formula that looked – _new._

“Let’s try it,” Tony decided, enthusiasm making his head spin and JARVIS put on new music. ACDC’s _Highway to Hell_ was splendid music to listen to as they were creating Extremis.

It took them only a few hours, maybe two days at most, and the house looked a bit _disarranged_ , but it was worth it as they created the orange sin.

Yinsen and he stared at it, exhaustion written over their faces.

“Well,” Tony said with a grin, “we better run before we walk, right?”

“Are you sure about that, Stark?”

“No.” He laughed. “But that’s okay.”

He injected a dosage of extremis into his veins, the pale blue glowing for a moment in orange.

“J, what’s the data analysis telling you?”

“ _Heartbeat steady. A slight increase in body temperature.”_

“Good, good.” Tony wiggled his fingers, feeling slightly warmer. “I feel normal.”

Yinsen nodded, his eyes running over the data JARVIS was collecting on Tony and transferring on a hologram.

Tony felt good. Warm, but good.

“Stark-“ Yinsen’s voice took on a warning tone. Urgent, too.

“Yeah?”

“You’re becoming unstable.”

“Ah,” was Tony’s reaction. He threw Yinsen an apologetic look. “’Scuse me.”

Things kind of exploded a few seconds later.

**Modular Arithmetic.**

Tony wasn’t one who was deterred by a small burn. Even when he touched his face as first thing when he woke up because well. It was irrational since he knew he was back in his original shape but still – one never knew – or trusted things to be as they usually were, correct?

It was self-care. Tony would hear no word against it.

_Extremis._

A smile curled on his lips as he went on his usual business, falling into a steady rhythm of creation and a play of fire and iron. He loved the challenge of the mutation, although it was of course not _easy_ to solve. A sigh fled his lips and Yinsen threw him a searching look but Tony continued to work without offering any commentary.

Then it was the same game as usual: they created the suit, a fake Jericho, the arc reactor and plotted the escape, they escaped.

Soon after, they left in a fiery rush, went to the States with a plane, had coffee, and Tony created Extremis with Yinsen.

He blew up again.

**Operation.**

Tony didn’t stop. If a plant could survive – theoretically – and he was so far into these loops, then he fucking could solve Extremis. And if he died in the process, well –

The yellow light would never _not_ greet him, would it? Tony sincerely doubted it.

“Hallelujah!” He said to Yinsen, stood up, his car battery in his hands and walked over to the missiles. Maybe it would be for the better to get another Biochemist in on the case but – Tony had his doubts it would help. And who knew if the scientist wouldn’t run away with the finished Extremis but not tell Tony of it? There was a gnawing feeling of distrust towards everyone who wasn’t him, Loki, or one of his closest friends.

 _No,_ he decided. Extremis was something he would solve on his own. If he didn’t then –

How would he ever be able to look himself into the eyes when he shaved? It was often difficult enough, no need to make it extra hard. This was a new step in this fucking giant adventure that Tony hadn’t agreed to. And he would not _rest,_ not let anyone pass – not even himself – until everything was how it was supposed to be and Extremis fucking _worked_.

 _Take that, Howard._ He was on his way to create the possibility of a new super soldier. And this time, ice would not harm them, instead, it would thaw right there and –

Bitterness, revenge, spite, they all were great motivators, and Tony’s fingers moved relentlessly as the time progressed and he couldn’t say how much. Everything started to become a blurry mess once more; his hushed talks with Yinsen a daring bet that had lost its edge quite a few loops ago because Tony _knew_ when the guards would watch or come by for an inspection. Yet, he continued to talk, and listened.

He remembered Yinsen’s nightmares he couldn’t prevent so he did what he could do to ensure that his friend could _talk_ when nobody had been there to listen. Tony didn’t dare to ask for how long Yinsen already enjoyed the Ten Rings’ _hospitality_ because he feared, the answer would be too depressing and suffocating to bear.

They fled, eventually and Tony thought he might have slipped back into his habit of talking to Loki. There was a gentle brush of curiosity against his conscience but so far – no contact and Tony was equally glad as sad about that.

He missed Loki.

But he wasn’t going to face him before Extremis hadn’t been done.

This time, they focused on a different part of the equation since the other attempts hadn’t worked.

It was slow work; some parts in Tony hurt as he thought about all the hours he’d already invested in this project, the coffee he consumed, the Four Loko he denied himself.

Rhodey looked at him strangely when Tony said he had to create a different … _fire_ , and perhaps his Platypus now thought that Tony had gone mad. Not, that he could blame him but – this ultimately had priority.

Yinsen, bless his soul, didn’t ask any questions. He simply trusted Tony’s guidance and after the last time? The time before? _Did it even fucking matter_ – Tony didn’t voice his reasons and ideas. Yinsen stayed, Extremis got developed, and Obadiah put before his Honour and questioned.

Tony barely spared it any thought as Extremis formed beneath his hands.

This time, he simply burnt out like a torch.

**Polynomial.**

A torchlight was not something Tony had ever dreamt of becoming but with the opportunity presenting itself, well –

He’d been one, so, all right. Moving on.

Maybe he should have asked Yinsen beforehand to buy marshmallows because _damn_ , was Tony suddenly craving some. The melting white fluff on his tongue, the burning taste, and the prickling sensation as the sweet melted in the mouth, it was –

Right now it sounded a lot like heaven.

**~ ∞ ~**

It was one of the first things Tony purchased when he was back in the States: He got marshmallows and roasted them over an open fire, his friends crouched around him and in the background, JARVIS had some sentimental country music running.

_Like in the old days, sleepovers._

“I’m going to disappear into the lab for the next few days,” he announced, his teeth already aching from all the white sweetness. “Yinsen will be with me.”

“Why?”

“I have to do something.” Tony smiled at Pepper. She looked impeccable, as always. Even now there was not a single hair out of place, the bright red reminding him all too much of fire and that – he bit on the inside of his cheeks, stopping the laughter before it could escape him. “I’ll explain later,” he added.

“All right,” she replied. She took off her sweater, throwing it somewhere and pulled a blanket around them. Rhodey was still roasting his marshmallow with an intensity Tony envied him for. It looked _perfect_ , not burned, but just _perfect:_ the sweet scent of caramel hanging heavily in the air. Tony’s stomach grumbled in protest, and not because it wanted it. The opposite, more like.

“How do you even do that?”

Rhodey chuckled. “You get too close, Tony.”

“To the fire?”

“Yes.” Rhodey held his marshmallow up to Tony. “Too much heat at once and the thing will melt right off the stick.”

_Too much heat at once –_

“You-“ Tony started with a grin, “are a godsend, Platypus. The next sports car is on me.”

“Tones?“

“No, no-“ he stood up from the floor. His mind floured by that _fucking simple_ solution. _Too much heat_ , he was a fucking _human,_ there already was a base heat inside of him and they _always,_ fucking _always,_ forgot he already had another energy core inside of him which also created heat and –

No fucking _wonder_ that he kept blowing himself up. And Extremis _was_ trying to cure him because, yes, there was a part of his rib cage missing and Tony wasn’t sure about his lungs if they weren’t a bit cut off as well to put the battery inside of him. So, yay him.

He rushed down the stairs to the lab, Yinsen hot on his heels. The poor dude looked ready to fall over and sleep on the spot but –

That was all secondary. For now.

Tony changed the equation, added some conditions because his fucking _heart_ and the _reactor_ were kind of important. When he got that part figured out, he would focus on removing it and making just slightly stronger to have it have an impact on Odin’s sleepiness.

After all –

This still was about Odin. In case anyone – him – had forgotten about that.

It took Tony three days before he started to catch fire but this time he had DUM-E ready with a fire extinguisher. And for some ridiculous reason –

It worked.

Okay, he’d lost a leg in the process and maybe he was wheezing and coughing up blood because uh – his insides might have been burned but -

He was covered in foam and everything smelt like bacon.

That was nice.

**Range.**

Tony rushed back to the States in a hurry, the time with the Ten Rings becoming substantially less important to him. He was so close to getting Extremis right – now he only had to find the last variable to make the virus stable and not let someone explode but _hey –_

That shouldn’t be that difficult, after all, he’d managed to survive for a few days longer already.

He was _this close_ and his mind was already focused on the formula, smearing it all over the napkins in the plane, Rhodey looking at him with curiosity but Tony _didn’t_ have the time to explain, he had a masterpiece to finish and –

 _He almost forgot about the mole, but only almost_.

As soon as he’d done the press conference – maybe he was just a sucker for routine at this point – he sprinted to his lab, the suit jacket thrown carelessly over a chair. Maybe someone would pick it up, or maybe not. It didn’t matter but it would be interesting to know. Unnecessary facts made Tony’s day.

Yinsen was there as well, and Tony thought he could smell iron and fire in the air as he put the formula down, the napkins from the plane safely in his jeans pocket and –

There was the fucking _x._

Tony knew it as soon as the equation was done. This – this was it.

A new sense of calm came over him as he realised he’d done it. No, he hadn’t given himself the serum yet but – there was no doubt he’d gotten it right this time. JARVIS’ congratulated him quietly.

A few hours later, Tony felt the fire burning in his veins as exploded things like he wanted, cut himself a finger off to let it grow back and _laughed –_

This was the closest he’d ever get to be a god.

“Thank you, Maya,” he whispered. He would _never_ forget that he owed her this last step, this fucking giant mile towards his goal he finally got to taste, that close was it.

“See you in a few, Loki,” he said as well before he downed a bottle of alcohol and let the house explode.

There wasn’t really a different way to make sure he wasn’t growing back than to be torn apart into a thousand pieces. He only hoped his friends would forgive him, should he ever get to tell them this part of this frankly getting ridiculously long story.

He owed them an apology for all the things they’d never know about.

**Tessellation.**

The good thing about having created a stable Extremis was that Tony could actually take a deep breath in the cave when he woke up. He simply took his time to say, “Hallelujah!” and appreciated the calmness. The adrenaline rush that had accompanied him the last few loops, it didn’t have to be there anymore. Instead, Tony could go on the day with less of an urgency.

It was a lie. Tony fucking _couldn’t_ stay calm – not when he had to tweak Extremis first before he got it to Odin. Which meant, he needed Loki to test it first and _then_ –

He was so close. Sweet tears of relief were burning in his eyes. He was so fucking close to –

To what?

Tony swallowed. Get out of this nightmare, that was the answer, correct? Or was it – to see Loki again and spend time with him? His fingers started to tremble. He could feel his throat tightening, his eyes burning, but not out of relief any longer. This was –

This was like it used to be, a few loops ago; _years ago_. Was he forgetting what he’d tried to accomplish?

Someone should forbid him from thinking – because as it was, nothing good ever came of it.

The cave was too big for him, it was back to swallowing him right up where he stood. And Tony thought he could feel the sand which was everywhere, occupied every orifice, mired his vision. He could not – not let it win. Not _anymore_ , not any longer.

“ _Loki-“_ he gasped and he heard someone turning around. But the steps were too heavy to be Loki’s and the hand on his shoulder, carefully and warm, it wasn’t Loki’s. He _missed_ the bastard, he fucking did and Yinsen –

He was here and talking Tony in a low tone. His eyes shone worried from within his glasses. All Tony could do was to swallow, felt his bitter spit scratching at his throat and he felt tears running down his cheeks, bury his head in his hands.

_Why was this happening?_

There was no logical answer to this, he knew. He fucking knew and yet – he didn’t like how he was trembling here on his place either, shivers wrecking his frame and the air felt too dry. The watered-down coffee that smelled like cheap perfume and Tony gagged on it, directly in his hand and disgust crept up in him.

 _Weak_.

_Pathetic._

He was shaking, a helpless fool in the yellow light and Yinsen was helping him out, tried to get him out of this state –

And Tony hated it even more, hated himself even more for needing this because – he was Tony Stark. He was supposed to be a _hero_. Perhaps he simply wasn’t one without the suit. So much for the suit and him being _one._

Perhaps it was that what made him recoil. Drew back with an angry hiss and he still felt his fingers tremble, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t going to let this rule him and –

His legs weren’t cooperating with him and he felt himself falling –

“Are you back with me?” Yinsen’s worried voice woke him up.

“I am,” Tony muttered. He felt exhausted.

“You had a panic attack,” Yinsen informed him and pressed a glass of water into his hands. Tony drank it greedily, each drop of water a blessing in his dry mouth. “You fell down and knocked yourself out when you attempted to get up.”

“Sometimes you gotta fly before you can walk.”

“Sometimes,” Yinsen agreed with a private smile. “But on occasion it’s not too bad either to wait before you spread your wings, Stark.”

Tony took that advice with a grain of salt.

**~ ∞ ~**

“Hello Loki,” he greeted his friend about a week later, his mind raw from all the constant talking and trying to get a connection with Loki. “Took you some time.”

“Anthony Stark.”

How he’d missed this dry voice, the lack of enthusiasm at seeing him! Tony smiled at that, then hid a yawn behind his hand.

“You and I have a lot of things to do, my friend.”

Loki eyed him with disdain, a touch of curiosity only in the green eyes.

“Get us out of here,” Tony continued, “and then I’ll sate your curiosity. I _promise,_ by your mother, it will be worth it.”

Loki drew air in with a sharp hiss. “Do you know what you’re talking about here?”

“I do,” Tony replied seriously. “I _do.”_ He balled his right hand to a fist and put it above his heart, lowered his head a couple of inches to show _how_ serious he was because – Loki had to buy it. And Tony wasn’t too sure any more about his Old Norse, that he wasn’t going to butcher it. So he hoped that the gesture would do the trick.

His neck started to prickle under the scrutinising eyes of Loki but he didn’t move, not a single limb twitched and neither did he blink, too afraid that it would ruin his plan.

“Be it on your head,” Loki eventually gave in. His hand was cold on Tony’s shoulder and he wondered for the split of a second if Loki had never wondered why he felt so cool when the Aesir were all warm or if he’d simply shoved it on his own weirdness. The thought saddened Tony as did it enrage him when he considered that _Frigga,_ Loki’s goddamn _mother_ , knew what he was and didn’t do anything; let him think he was weird.

Perhaps he was doing her injustice but Tony was sick of all the shit he and Loki were being put through. And it seemed as if he would not only slap Odin when he got the chance to do so.

They created Extremis a few hours later after Tony had let Loki look inside of his mind again. Only this time, Tony upped the dosage a bit. If it affected Loki too much, he had to turn it down and then he could simply use the average value between his and Loki’s dosage and it would be fine. Maybe go a tad into the higher ground but that would be still fine then.

Loki’s veins shone blue-green in Tony’s workshop light, the needle glinting coldly. Loki’s arm was deliciously cold in Tony’s own warm hands, a light hint of goosebumps appearing on his own arm.

“How does it feel?”

“ _Warm.”_ Loki choked out.

“Comes with the virus.” Tony nodded and patted Loki’s cheek. “Good, JARVIS’ will check your vitals and –“

Loki started to glow.

“Ah, you know what,” Tony said and tilted his head to the side. “The orange kind of suits you.”

“ _What-“_

“Boom, motherfucker.”

And _boom_ Loki did.

**Floccinaucinihilipilification.**

_He was not going to squeal when he woke up,_ Tony promised himself.

To his credit, he didn’t. What he did was to grin like a lunatic and the “Hallelujah!” was said as cheerfully as it had never been before. It felt so easy, to get up, the car battery in his hand and Yinsen at his side as they were working on the Missiles. Who the fuck _cared_ what yesterday was? Although the sight of Loki glowing up orange and everything going hot – Tony didn’t think he was ever going to forget that.

So often it had been him who blew up. Not, that this had ever been, in any way, his goal but that was _secondary_. Someone else than him got blown up for once! And – there’d be no scratches! The principle of groundhog kept astonishing him. It was like a tweaked, fucked up version of the fountain of youth. A different Philosopher’s stone, and he was Nicholas Flamel –

Wasn’t he?

“You’re in a cheerful mood today, Stark,” Yinsen noticed.

“I am.” Tony’s mouth twitched. “Let’s enjoy it while it lasts.”

Yinsen chuckled softly, nodded, then returned to his work. _This_ was why it was easy to work together with him – no unnecessary questions were asked, the primary goal was clear and, yeah, they just clicked and worked together. Tony couldn’t find in himself an ounce of regret for having gone through the loop so many different times, with various attempts to get Yinsen out of here alive. It had been worth the trouble, he knew it, deep in his heart. One of the only good things that came from this madness.

 _Hello there, Loki_ , was the first thought Tony tried to project to Loki. He could let his mind wander as he did what he knew from years of practice.

 _We haven’t met yet – for you, at least._ A smile played on his lips. _I know this sounds weird but let’s be honest – normal isn’t exciting enough for you to listen to. I_ know _you by now._

Rambles came easy to him, and the silence was begging to be filled. Yinsen was more of a silent type as he worked which suited Tony simply fine since he didn’t have to pay too much attention than to a lot of things at once. Not, that he wouldn’t be able to do it but he preferred _not_ to do it in the first place. 

The usual time went by that Loki needed until he appeared in the cave. He looked so out of place here, the fine garb against the dark, harsh outlines of the hole Tony was trapped in; it was almost as adorable as it was hilarious.

What annoyed him though was how at _ease_ Loki looked, in this foreign territory. He wore the usual suit, an intrigued look on his face, his attention on Tony, without any hesitance as he appeared in his usual green shimmer that demanded attention.

“Hello, Loki.” Tony waved at him from his bed.

“Stark.”

“The one and only.” He chuckled at the bitterness of the joke. “I know you have a lot of questions,” he began as he sat up, his back to the cold wall. “But they might have to wait for a few minutes.”

To say Loki looked amused at that was an exaggeration. Tony didn’t particularly care. Not when he saw his friend standing in front of him, and he _knew_ that this time, they would have more time they could spend together. That was – it made him happy. It was a banality, wasn’t it? Why did it make him so happy to have his friend so close to him and –

His eyes twitched treacherously.

“Listen,” Tony began anew. “This is not the first time for me that we meet.”

“That much I learnt from your conversations with me,” Loki countered dryly. “Get to the point, Stark.”

“If it were that easy, I would.” Tony winked at him. “I know of your dilemma with Odin naming Thor as the heir to the crown, we talked about it about dozens of times, I promise. I know that Thor isn’t ready yet to be the new _All-Father_.”

He saw Loki wince in disgust. _Same,_ he thought, with fond disdain.

“Thor will be king,” Loki stated, his voice neutral.

“And he is going to be king. Just, not yet.” Tony held out a hand. “I need you to get me and Yinsen out of this cave, so the loop happens as it should happen. Then, when we’re back in my home –10880 Malibu Point, California –“

“ _What_ is it that made you pester me for days without a break?”

“I know the solution for delaying the Odinsleep.” Tony shrugged as if it was no big deal.

For a moment he thought about picking his fingernails, but that might have been too much. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t care if Loki was going to accept or not – not, when he’d invested that much time in contacting Loki. He’d really set the trap there for himself, hadn’t he?

Loki’s jaw dropped open.

“He won’t die, I promise in the name of your mother Frigga,” Tony continued, tickling that weak spot of Loki. He wasn’t above exploiting Frigga’s name against him, not anymore. “Neither will Thor come to harm.”

“ _What_ is it?” Loki squeezed out between clenched teeth. It was obvious to anyone that Loki was burning with impatience. It made him _humane_ , Tony thought. Likeable. It made him to – _Loki_.

“A virus, created in my lab.”

Loki’s eyebrows shot up.

“It’s attacking a part of your brain that is a black hole and is going to enhance you.” Tony cocked his head to the side. “I’ll tell you more when we create the virus. If I give out everything now, then where would be the fun in that?”

“How do we know each other?”

“I’ll tell you in Malibu.”

“Is there anything you can share with me now, and _not_ in Malibu?”

“Uh.” Tony’s mind came to an abrupt stop. “You’re my friend, is that good enough? I learnt Old Norse for you. By now, I suck at it but honestly, I don’t think I ever put that much effort into anything. Well, apart from creating JARVIS and the boys, but that’s another story entirely.” Melancholy fell over Tony as he remembered his bots at home. He should spend way more time with them again. Maybe Loki felt like throwing a Frisbee disk?

He heard the soft exhale, the barely audible _“oh”_ from which he was sure, Loki never intended for him to hear. Which was, sad, but also understandable. Because Loki was as fucked up as him, wasn’t he? And –

Sometimes it still made Tony wonder and shocked him into stunned surprise, when he realised _Rhodey_ was _his best friend_. The fact that he had him – that they still had contact and helped each other, when they were at the different end of the scales: Rhodey who followed the protocol – mostly, sometimes he just didn’t – and Tony himself, who couldn’t care less about law, unless it suited him.

He remembered with fondness the times at court as he accused the senator of trying to prostitution him should he take the Iron Man suit away. The utter scream of inwardly boiling rage that couldn’t be voiced –

Hammer’s own humiliation as Tony pulled up the ‘top secret footage’ and Hammer’s suits _failed_ , as did the ones in Korea, everywhere in the world.

“How can I aid you in your escape?”

“I’m going to wake Yinsen up,” Tony started to explain, “then you have to speed up the process of creating the suit and give the old lady,” he pointed at the computer, “a boost or five as well. She does her best but working a bit faster would never go amiss, let me tell you.”

Loki nodded, turned away and to the suit, putting it already together.

“Ah-“ Tony cleared his throat. “I have to be inside of it.”

“You have to?” Loki looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Isn’t that risqué?”

“As if you ever shy away from anything that involves risks.”

That earned him a chuckle from Loki. He gave in and the suit disassembled, the metallic noise of it woke Yinsen up.

“Stark-“

“Morning,” he greeted him in a cheerful voice. “Time to bust us out, Yinsen. We’re in a hurry, so the quicker you’re up, the better for the rest of our lives.”

“You-“

“Yes. C’mon.”

Loki shot him amused glances from where he stood, and not all too much longer, Tony was inside of his metallic baby, and flying.

_Hell yeah._

**~ ∞ ~**

Soon, but also not soon enough, they were in Malibu. Tony barely stopped himself from counting the minutes until Loki was back with him. He longed to have his friend back with him, there was no denial about this – not anymore, not any longer. Tony had well and truly passed the days where he felt anger towards Loki. Not, that it hadn’t been justified, but – Loki was only another body in this chess play. Perhaps he was the Queen, not that Tony was ever going to tell him that, but even she was directed by someone else.

Tony would kill to discover one day who the mysterious hand was and let him go through so much _shit_. Things he could have gone without, deaths that hadn’t been needed. For Einstein’s sake, Tony hoped the explanation if he ever was going to get some, would be so good he could make a movie out of his eternal dilemma. Maybe he could wring an Oscar out of his performance.

When Loki finally appeared after Tony’s friends miraculously felt the need to sleep, Tony was so excited that it felt to him as if he’d drank five coffees. Adrenaline was surging through him, he couldn’t wait until Loki finally laid his fingers on Tony’s temples. They felt cold, as always.

Coldness was a leading factor in most of Tony’s decision, he craved to get there; how, he did not know but he was always going to find a way to make it happen. Even if like now, he had to use fire to pave the path first.

Soon, Loki stood by his side in the lab as they recreated Extremis. He saw the amused smirk on Loki’s face, remembered the fond feeling of _chaos_ Loki had radiated when he saw himself explode in the last loop. Yes, that had been hilarious but – Tony was glad the other didn’t seem to mind his decision.

Perhaps he was upset but chose not to show it because it didn’t matter anymore now, did it? Loki was still whole, there was not a single burnt scar on his wonderfully unblemished face.

With a heavy heart Tony bid Loki fare well, the glowing orange substance was trapped inside of a glowing green ball made of Loki’s magic and as a rainbow shot down to beam Loki up – Tony pinched his eyes shut. So tight that he felt tears prickle at the lids, felt them fall and run their own path, leaving only salty trails behind on his face.

**~ ∞ ~**

Loki returned a few hours later, a grimace on his face.

“What happened?”

“Next time,” Loki sighed and stared at his hands with what only could be described as _disgust_ , “make sure to tell me to give the virus to my mother first. Odin acted –“ he cut short.

“He didn’t trust you?” Tony asked him. His mouth pulled downward, and he felt sympathy coming up for his friend.

“He accused me of being jealous.” Loki turned a glary eye at him. “ _Why_ –“

“I know why.” Tony ran a hand over his tired face. “There’s something that I have to tell you, Loki.” He let the sentence fade out, silence telling Loki everything he needed to know about what Tony had to say.

“The time isn’t right yet, is it?”

“No, it’s not.” Tony pulled the other into his arms; pleasantly surprised when Loki went willingly, his head dropping on Tony’s shoulder as he attempted to hide his face there. He reminded Tony of a cat, the way he clutched at his shirt, almost tearing it in the process, another similarity he and felines had in common.

“One day I’ll tell you,” Tony muttered in a soft whisper. “I promised you that.”

**Cartesian Coordinates.**

Loki had to go to Frigga first?

Okay, they could do that. Tony only had to suppress the welling up feeling of pity, and the steadily growing dislike for Odin. Not, that it was that difficult not to like that bastard, especially since Tony could sympathise with shitty fathers who didn’t trust you an inch.

The routine for this loop was already familiar to Tony. He called Loki, they escaped, they met at Malibu, they created Extremis.

“Take it to your mother first,” Tony implored Loki, their hands clasped around the magic cage. “ _Please.”_

A needle could have dropped to the harsh ground, that quiet was it in the workshop. Neither of them spoke loudly, only tried to convey their messages, _questions_ , _pleads_ , with their eyes, success pending. Tony hoped that Loki knew what he was aiming for.

“I’ll be back shortly,” Loki announced, pulling the virus towards him. He gave Tony a short nod, anger visibly readable in his abrupt movements.

Tony rolled his eyes at Loki’s back before he plastered a smile on his face again, told him goodbye and safe travels – because he was a _nice friend_ – and sat down in front of his new suit. He wasn’t sure anymore which Mark it was. XLII? Who knew? He played around with the colour schema, added more gold to the suit because he felt like it; resigning himself to the inevitable fate of waiting.

**~ ∞ ~**

The good news was that Loki didn’t appear at the time like he did in the last loop. It gave Tony confidence and, as idiotic as it was, he knocked on wood, hoping for the best. Nevertheless, he knew it wouldn’t do anything; everything depended on Loki’s silvertongue and Tony knew from first-hand experience how good that one was when Loki put his mind to it.

Loki took his time with coming back.

Tony could wait, that was no problem, he –

This was _good,_ because the loop was still running. And by this time, Odin should have announced Thor as the heir, so that Loki wasn’t here yet, meant that –

Yeah. No idea what.

Tony simply continued to do what he had to do. Things would turn out all right.

The letter Loki sent him told him that things were definitely _not_ turning out as he’d expected them to, and he would return as soon as normality reigned in Asgard again; Tony tried to convince himself he wasn’t keeping it in his vicinity, nonetheless there was a reason why Loki was dubbed the god of lies, not him. If anything, then Tony would declare himself to the god of infinity bad luck, eternal patience, and sex.

The thoughts felt known to him, an old route he visited before and went back to. If it felt like taking up an ex on their offer of something _casual_ because a relationship was too difficult, and Tony never did not accept, but miraculously had a lot going on in his life as well, and there were so many people who demanded his full attention. Really, a _shame_ he couldn’t experience all these lovely advantages.

He shook his head with force, wondering where the sudden bitterness had come from.

“Get your fucking ass back down here,” he swore at nothing. Patience might not be his strongest suit. A tingle of warm laughter echoed in his head, but Tony wasn’t sure if that was him imagining it, or if it really _did_ happen. The letter Loki had sent was on the table, glaring at him with its elegant green ink, but difficult to decipher letters because _obviously –_ Loki didn’t have a nice handwriting.

Tony wondered what Loki would think of a computer or if Loki wrote ugly on purpose because nobody bothered listening to him, so nobody deserved to read his amazingness. He snorted at that thought, telling himself to ask Loki about it when he got the chance.

**~ ∞ ~**

A few more days passed, the Ten Rings were erased _again_ and Tony sipping on a Four Loko, when Loki considered himself generous enough to come back.

Revenge felt hollow when Loki wasn’t here, and the loop kept on running. _Good_ , on the one hand because that meant that for whatever reason Tony was on the right path – although he wasn’t sure anymore what ‘right’ was because he changed paths so often by now, only to get surprised again with how a loop was meant to run. The logic behind it, so far still not quite reasonable, but soon –

“What are you having?”

The smooth voice caught him by surprise.

“Four Loko,” he replied, turning around. “A mixture of coffee and alcohol.”

“ _Delightful_ , I’m sure.”

“Oh, you’d be surprised.” Tony jumped down from where he’d been lounging on the bar, opened the fridge and threw a can at Loki. He was half mad that the other caught it and that it hadn’t hit his face.

“You’re back,” he said unnecessarily.

“That I am,” Loki confirmed. He opened the can with a rash movement, eyeing the content with suspicion. Tony debated if he had to provoke him into drinking but then Loki already tipped his head back and emptied the sinful drink with long gulps. Tony watched in fascination as his larynx bobbed up and down.

“Good?” he asked.

“Passable.”

“Liar.” Tony chuckled, throwing the can away, hoping it would land in the bin. The mocking look Loki shot him, made him doubt he succeed though. “Now, what brings you back here?”

“Questions that were promised answers.”

“Even more questions?”

“We didn’t get around to answer every question,” Loki reminded him. “As you might recall, we were acting under time pressure.”

 _Ah._ “Correct.” He patted Loki’s shoulder. “Good thing one of us manages to keep track of what happens and what not.” _That reminded him –_

“What happened on Asgard?”

Loki’s face shut off. “I brought the virus to my mother for examination, as you suggested.”

“Scotch?” Tony asked, still behind the bar and feeling like offering something akin to comfort to his friend. “Before we delve into the deep realm of shitty fathers and ungrateful people.”

Loki inclined his head, taking a seat on a barstool. The sun hit his head from behind, illuminating the black, coloured it blue. His green eyes were cast in shadows but – they were staring at Tony, _intently_ , almost –

He swallowed dryly, took the bottle of scotch, and served Loki a glass. “Carry on.”

“She congratulates you on your quick and curious mind.”

“ _Me?”_

“You.” Loki snorted. “It was obvious that you knew how to create the virus. The only question that remains is, why would you-“

“Because if I would have handed it you, done and already prepared,” Tony cut in sharply, “then you wouldn’t have taken it. Or, you would have, but then taken it apart to see what it’s made of.”

Silence followed. Tony shivered under the gaze, nonetheless, he didn’t look away. Didn’t step away either when Loki leant forward, the air crackling with _tension_ – yes, that was tension, Tony knew this feeling. By chance he was an idiot, forgetting who he was with, but this also was _Loki_ , and Tony couldn’t keep away from him.

“You dare to presume you know how I work?”

“I don’t _dare_ , I do.” Tony shrugged in face of the devil and smiled at him too. “We both know I’m correct.”

They continued to stare into each other eyes, neither budging or backing away.

“She gave it to the All-Father,” Loki eventually cut the tension with his voice, and sat back properly on his barstool. “Miraculously, he trusted her word and drank it in one go. He neither turned into a living torch nor into a dragon.”

“Good.”

“The Odinsleep was delayed successfully for a few more decades. _Thor,”_ Loki sighed at this point, “has still been announced heir to the crown, to nobody’s surprise but the coronation will take place in a year from now on.”

 _“Good_ ,” Tony repeated, enthusiasm finding its way back into his voice.

“They listened to me. Thor was thick enough to throw a fit, as soon as the doors were closed behind us, complained why he would have to wait. Since he was _born to be king_ , and other semantics.”

“Good job, Thor.” Tony clapped ironically.

“The All-Father agreed that it would be for the best to have Thor thrown into council meetings and have a quick tutoring lesson again to remind him of what a king should and should not be. In addition to that, he will go on a journey through the Nine Realms this time to meet the people he’s going to take care of, properly.”

“Out of sight then.”

Loki toasted to that.

**~ ∞ ~**

Loki stayed overnight, but neither slept because Loki _insisted_ that Tony told him more about JARVIS because of course he was once again enthralled by his AI. Afterwards they played Fetch with Dum-E and not a single window got broken and fell asleep on the couch when the sun started to rise.

On the next morning, Loki took another glance at his mind and Tony tried his best not to grin like a lunatic. But it was not his fault that Loki rummaging around in his head was always an A+ experience and afterwards, the Norse god so much more relaxed than before.

“I have to join Thor,” Loki eventually announced as they were eating pizza, he of course, without cutlery, while Tony used a fork. “I’ll be back.”

“For what?”

“A lesson in history.”

“You’re ditching me for _history_?”

“Yes.” Loki arched a brow flawlessly. “Since the tutor also is an expert in the field of time and its possibilities.”

“He is?”

“She is.” Loki flicked his nose. “I’ll be back before you have completed your next suit.”

“Sounds like a challenge.”

“You don’t have to see it as one, I assure you.” Loki licked his fingers clean. “I’ll depart tomorrow morning.”

Tony couldn’t stop himself from staring at the fingers and the quick, pink tongue.

He wondered if in Loki’s Jotunn form, it would be purple.

**~ ∞ ~**

As it turned out, Loki’s tutor was _fascinated_ with Tony’s unique problem but was eventually forced to admit, she wasn’t sure how this was possible either. She didn’t find traces of a _reincarnation_ , as Tony dubbed it, because according to her and Loki’s spells – yes, that had been a bit creepy and just a hint of arousing – his body was as fresh as it should be with his 38 years.

“I wonder how you can do this,” Lorelei wondered. “There is something familiar about this, Tony Stark, but I cannot pinpoint it in such a short time.”

“Magic,” Tony said, deadpan.

“I assure you it is _not_ quite that.”

Tony rolled his eyes at Loki but he saw the fleeting smirk on the other’s face before it disappeared under the cool façade again.

Lorelei laughed at them before she decided it was time to follow the inaudible call of Tony’s pool and left them alone.

**~ ∞ ~**

They were into June, and Loki had to jump around between staying with Tony and figuring out some weird theories about multiverses nobody truly believed in, Tony even less so, and joining Thor on his trip through the Nine Realms.

It was June the 12th, when Loki told him they were going to Jotunheim the next day.

“Good luck.”

Loki nodded, took a sip from the Four Loko he’d developed an addiction for, before he switched back to his tea.

“If the loop resets for you tomorrow –“

“Then I’ll contact you first thing when I wake up in the cave.”

Tony wasn’t sure if the flicker of disappointment on Loki’s face was real.

And he did wake up in the cave, two days later.

**Concentric.**

Tony didn’t see any reason to waste time from this point on with delaying to call out for Loki. Since the prince had figured out within a heartbeat or five that Tony knew the formula to the virus, he wasn’t going to go at it with the same routine.

 _Loki?_ He called out in his mind. _I know you can hear me. Sorry if I interrupt you in your holy duties as prince of Asgard but I have something you might be interested in. And your sorry ass better listen right now because I have bother stuff to focus on than to repeat what I already told you._

Yep, that should have gotten his attention.

_I have a way of stalling Thor’s coronation that won’t have you branded as traitor and will stall his coronation for long enough to hopefully learn shit about how to deal with court and all that._

No response. Tony smiled into the yellow light. _You only need to help me get out of this cave first._

He knew Loki was curious now. How could he not, after Tony dangled such a treat in front of his nose (more or less)?

But the prey did not arrive, so Tony offered more bait: He talked about fire, a virus, a friendship, about how he knows what Loki is going to do in a few days, that nobody was going to die. Not necessarily in that order, and not that directly either. It had to be exciting and mysterious, as was his favourite Norse. Tony didn’t mind waiting, working on the suit in the meantime. The Jericho Missile the Ten Rings insisted on was slowly built together –

A week after Tony had first contacted Loki, he arrived in his shining armour, a dagger pressed to Tony’s jugular and his back to the cold wall.

“Now, that’s a first.” He cocked an eyebrow, clearing his throat when Loki pressed the blade deeper into his skin. _Yes,_ he tended to provoke people. Who would have thought?

“I’m tempted to cut your throat open,” Loki opened their talk because obviously, only Loki could do that. “Your inane babbling is enervating, enfeebling all desire one has to recipro–“

“Nice to see you too,” Tony whispered. “Here to take me up on my offer?”

“Tell me what you have planned.” Loki narrowed his eyes at him. “And you better leave nothing out.”

“You get me and Yinsen out of this shithole, we meet at my house and I’ll give you Extremis, and then –“

“You wish more of me than getting you out of your enemy’s hand?”

“Yes.”

“What do I gain in exchange?”

“A puzzle we both have been sitting on for a long, long time now, buddy.”

They bartered more, harsh words fell from both lips, tearing into each other as Loki held him there, pressed against the wall. Dampness soaked his clothes, the knife was gone, Tony didn’t know where to and he listened, offered more truths as Loki poked and prodded, and it felt – like flirting.

Tony swallowed. His stomach rumbled, his joints started to ache when as he continued to stand there and didn’t lean back into the wall, to avoid further soaking of his clothes.

“Do you believe me now that we are friends?” Tony eventually asked, laughter in his voice.

Loki snorted, let go of him. It spoke more than any word could have expressed.

**~ ∞ ~**

He gave Extremis to Loki a day later. His eyeshadows were another trace of his victory and he waved the bastard off, a cheeseburger in the other hand, before he let his friends know he was still alive. He might have brushed them off yesterday after they arrived in the States, made Obi’s betrayal known to Pepper, had the fucking press conference that still gave him a kick, afterwards, he disappeared.

Yeah. Oops. His mistake, obviously to be that rude. They were going deal with it, Tony decided.

**~ ∞ ~**

A few days later Loki popped back in and the loop went on like it was supposed to. Peace spread in Tony as he and Loki grew closer. For him, it was falling back into old, familiar patterns but there was something else, something _new_ about it too that held Tony off falling back into a spiral of lethargy and numbness, even when he felt it lurking in the distance, waiting.

Though Tony didn’t forget that there was a promise he’d given a while ago. As Loki settled in again, made friends with JARVIS, joking about how he wants to steal him, Tony felt _content_. If he told Loki now about the secret his parents had been hiding from him then – the peace would be over.

 _Tomorrow_ , he told himself. _I’m going to tell him tomorrow_.

He was a fucking liar, that’s what he was.

Nevertheless, the loop went on, so it couldn’t be that much of a bad decision, correct? It helped Tony when he looked at himself in the mirror, hearing Loki’s laughter echoing through the mansion as he watched Star Trek, recommended by Tony himself.

 _Tomorrow_.

Eventually, it turned May, the weather turned warm but not so much that you almost suffocated in the heat. Loki stood in front of the huge window, sunlight playing on his face, utterly at peace with himself now. Tony found himself smiling at the image he was being blessed with, his fingers twitching as he wished to run his fingers over Loki’s jaw and turn it his way.

“You’re staring.” Loki interrupted him in his admiring.

“Of course.” He pointed at his own nose. “You’ve got dirt on your nose, by the way. Did you know? Just _there.”_

“I have?” Loki’s hand flew up and he rubbed said spot on his nose. Tony chuckled silently at the adorableness presented to him. “Is it gone?”

“Yes.” Tony’s mouth twitched. “You look perfect as always now.”

And he wanted to interrupt this serenity? Now that he and Loki were –

“There’s something weighing on your mind.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“There is.” Loki tsked. “Tell me of your troubles, Anthony.”

Well. So much to not wanting to disturb their peace, right?

“I made a promise to you a while back,” he replied, crossing his arms in front of him. “Do you want a drink?” He turned towards the kitchen. “Might need something strong.”

He didn’t hear a reply but since he was sure the answer would be affirmative anyway, he simply grabbed two glasses and made two Mind Erasers. The smell of coffee liqueur hit his nose as he poured ¼ ounce into the glass and added vodka, soda, and the ice cubes.

“When did we run out of Straws?”

“ _A few days ago, Sir.”_

“Fuck.” Tony sighed. “Well, brain freeze without straw then. Add straws to the basket, Jay.” _Stalling was going to be the death of him._ And maybe, Loki too.

Sweat started to pearl on his forehead as he walked back into the living room, Loki already sprawled out on the couch like luxurious panther he’d stolen from the zoo and hadn’t given back then. Deadly, elegant, and illegal to be here.

He was doomed, wasn’t he?

“Drink it in one go,” he recommended Loki. They clinked their glasses together before they drowned the shot in one go. It was horribly sweet, and –

He shivered, his brain cold and –

“ _Brilliant,”_ Loki whispered, his eyes closed in bliss.

“All right, hot stuff.” Tony put his glass down on the floor. “Time to spill the beans, I guess.”

There was not much that stopped him then from talking. Once started, there was no hold. And Loki took it all in stoic silence, his face losing colour.

“ _Laufey?”_ Loki choked out when Tony was done.

“Yeah.” Tony gave an awkward shrug. “Sorry,” he added.

Loki stared at him before his gaze dropped to the floor. “It all makes sense now,” he whispered. “Why Odin favoured Thor all these years, no matter what –“

“Odin is a giant dick,” Tony agreed easily. “And he fucking did fuck shit to deserve you.”

 _“Deserve,”_ Loki hissed. “I am a monst-“

“No, you aren’t.” Tony gripped his arm. “Don’t let them win with that bullshit, Loki.”

“ _Bullshit?”_

“Yes.” Tony rolled his eyes. “You are Loki. You’ve always been Loki. Your dad is an asshole and deserves the award for the worst dad of the century.”

“I won’t –“

“Exactly.” Tony took Loki’s glass. “You won’t do anything now. Let that sicker in first and then think about what you want to do with the knowledge.”

Loki’s mouth fell open. “Does Thor –“

“No.” Tony shook his head. “He doesn’t know. And if you don’t want him to know, then he won’t ever have to.”

“It’s not as easy as that.”

“It isn’t?” Tony cocked his head. “Your parents never told anyone, you didn’t even yourself know until you touched a Frost Giant.”

Loki became silent and inspected his fingers, raised them to get a better look at them in the sunlight. Perhaps wondering why they were so pale and what blue they used to be.

“Another drink?” Tony asked gently.

“Yes.”

That was the only time Tony saw Loki getting drunk, and a sobbing mess. Although he wasn’t supposed to know about the latter part because Loki was in the shower but well, Tony knew what it sounded when one was crying in an echoing chamber and –

 _Yeah._ Awkward.

His mansion was in a state of disarray and chaos, the cleaning crew was going to have their blast with the house tomorrow morning. Tony took Loki on a trip to Nizza, because _fuck it._ They angered quite a few people there, including the police, and bought a car and –

There was no limit. Loki seemed to have chosen to deal with the news about his heritage by forgetting about it which worked wonderfully. Until Thor called Loki to his side for his trip through the Nine Realms.

“Don’t go to Jotunheim.”

“Why not? It is not as if I’m going to be surprised when I touch a Frost Giant now.”

“Thor and his friends don’t know, remember?”

“Then I suppose,” Loki cut him off coldly, “I’ll better take care not to touch a Frost Giant.”

“I think you died the last time you went there.”

For some reason Loki didn’t look all too bothered by that.

The loop reset the day after and as far as Tony knew, they hadn’t been on Jotunheim that day.

**Node.**

Loki. Extremis. Getting out of the cave. Easy.

“You’re a Frost Giant,” Tony dropped a few months later, maybe in April. He was drunk, used Loki as his personal pillow and sniffing his hair. It smelled of lavender. A hint of roses, when Tony nose was to be trusted and he was all but mellowing against Loki. His arm felt heavy on Tony’s shoulders. Warmth was engulfing him and a tipsy smile was on his lips. He thought for a moment about pressing them against Loki’s rapidly beating pulse but decided against it.

“What?” Loki’s voice was a drunken whisper.

“Frost Giant,” Tony repeated. His eyes fell shut. His legs felt heavy. “You. Odin fucked up,” he slurred then cuddled closer against Loki. “Big fuck up,” he repeated to make sure that Loki had understood correctly.

“Odin. Not you.” He blinked, pulled back and stared at Loki. Who seemed awake all of sudden as well. He stared at Tony as if he was an enigma, maybe even the answer behind Agatha Christie’s disappearance. “Odin is a fucking dick.”

“I’m a –“ Loki looked so lost.

Here he was, a demigod, a prince – _second heir to the throne –_ of the apparently mightiest realm in the Nine, a god who wielded fire and made advanced technology to his own, bend and formed it to his will, and –

He looked _lost_. His shoulders were down, his eyes wide, tears already brimming in them, threatening to spill over. Betrayal was written him, coldness chasing shock away rapidly.

“Frost Giant.” Tony licked his lips nervously. “Okay, there might have been a better way to tell you that.”

“ _Oh?_ ” Loki’s voice sounded icily.

“Yes?”

Loki’s hand wandered dangerously close to his throat. “I would suggest you tell me everything you know _immediately._ ”

And who was Tony to refuse such a delightful and charming offer that didn’t imply some hazardous choking at all?

**~ ∞ ~**

“You said I shouldn’t join Thor on Jötunheim?”

Since Tony had dropped the bombshell on Loki about his heritage he’d been … _withdrawn._ Pouted in his room, glared at the spot next to Tony but never at himself, and brooded so that Tony got the headache in his stead. To have Loki talk to him in person for the first time in three days, was –

An unexpected but not entirely unwelcome surprise.

“You die.” Tony looked up from the tablet where he was designing a new Iron Man armour. “I don’t know why, but the day after you went there, the loop reset.”

Loki clouded himself in silence again. He was silent still as he sat down next to Tony and watched him create without any further comment.

“I’m angry.”

“No shit?” Tony chuckled. He didn’t feel like being happy though. In all honesty, he wanted to put his fist where Loki’s nose sat. But he didn’t. Because he wasn’t an asshole. Not like that, at least.

That was the end of the silent protest and rebellion. They relaxed back into the couch and Loki put his feet over Tony’s legs, and he was happy he got his tablet out of the way quick enough.

**~ ∞ ~**

Nothing of importance seemed to have happened, if you were to go by how Loki behaved. If you left aside that he hadn’t returned to Asgard for about a month now and ignored with the patience Jarvis used to have, the ravens Odin sent. Well, Tony assumed it were Odin’s because they looked extremely old and Frigga would care for them better, correct?

“Not to tell you what to do-“

 _“_ You would be _correct_ in that assumption.”

Tony chuckled. “Good, then don’t.” He waited a few heartbeats, then Loki sighed. “What did you plan to suggest?”

“To give the raven some cheese.” He shrugged. “They look a bit famished. Maybe Odin isn’t only neglectful with his animals.” _Pet_ had been laying on his tongue. He chose against it for various reasons. Wanting to live to see the next day was among those.

“No.”

“Good, then don’t.” Sometimes it really was as easy as that.

Tony watched Loki go out and feed the raven an hour later, muttering beneath his breath something about ‘pestering mortals’ and decided to pretend he hadn’t heard that.

Not once did Tony think anything was wrong. They tinkered around with science, killed some apple trees on accident when Loki gave him too much speed for his thrusters and Tony paid the bill. The currency exchange rate was luckily not that bad with Swiss franc.

The loop was running and going on, and Tony only had a midge of a bad feeling when Loki eventually decided (sometime around June 20th to go back to Asgard.

He had the sinking suspicion that Loki had informed his family that he _knew_ and told them to give him space so – yeah. JARVIS told him the next day that there was an anomaly in New Mexico and satellite pictures according –

“Someone got dropped off there?” he asked, tiredly.

_“Yes Sir.”_

Tony sighed and decided to end the bullshit here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Surviving of 100K already 🙌


	10. Chapter 10

**Water bomb.**

It didn’t come to Tony as a surprise when it took Loki again a couple of days to return.

This time, Tony dropped only a week later the whole adopted bomb. He was startling sober and could only blame the fact that when Loki was swimming outside in the pool, Tony started to wonder if that blue of the water resembled in any way how Loki would look as a Jotun. Perhaps he was a few shades darker-?

“Anthony, you’re staring.”

“And you’re adopted.”

Clearly, this was the best way to start a conversation. Tony facepalmed himself, groaning at his own stupidity.

“If that’s meant to be a joke, then it is no good one.” Loki’s face was shutting off.

“It’s not a joke.” Tony sat down, not caring if his bottom got wet. It smelled of chlorine, sharp and almost unbearable in his nose. “Look,” he began with a sigh, “I’ve tried a few times now to tell you but –“

“My other _me’_ s?”

He nodded abruptly. “There is no way to tell you that and not have it be a shock. So, I thought, why not just drop the bomb like that?”

Loki didn’t look like he appreciated the non-existent consideration. His eyes narrowed and he gripped Tony’s legs. Water drops fell on him and what a _good thing_ Tony didn’t care about becoming wet. That was what towels were for after all.

“Odin stole you when you were a babe. From a temple.” Tony shrugged, an eye on Loki’s eyes as they seemed to wither under the secret they heard.

“Thank you,” Loki pressed out after Tony was done. He looked the opposite of being thankful though.

He waited patiently as Loki seemed to work through his heritage before he decided to take a long break at the bottom of the pool. Probably so Tony couldn’t see his tears, manly ones of course.

Eventually Loki emerged from the bottom, his face determined and grim.

“Do you want a drink?”

“I doubt a drink can solve this problem.”

Tony stood up with a shrug, offered Loki a hand and helped him out of the pool. Not, that it was necessary but – yeah, he wouldn’t miss a chance of getting his hands on –

_Bad timing, Tony._

Yet, Tony allowed his eyes to follow the wet trails on Loki’s body before he glanced up again to look at Loki’s face. He shivered as the wind hit him, tousled his carefully made morning hair and there was a small smile on Loki’s lips for a few exhilarating moments before it’s gone again.

In a silent agreement they walked back into the penthouse, then down to the workshop as they’d done so often.

Loki stayed _lost;_ Tony noticed. Even when they discussed his own situation with the never-ending loops again. There was no clear indication if it was meant as a distraction for Loki, or truly to help Tony. He didn’t mind either. But Loki’s shoulders stayed hunched, the laughter sounded forced. Pain of unfathomable depths was written all over green eyes. He refused to drink, didn’t wish to eat unless his stomach rumbled so loudly he couldn’t escape Tony’s worried glances anymore and hey –

Tony got it, all right? This was Loki’s worst nightmare, he was in pain and tried to heal wounds that had been ripped open suddenly and so deep, the Mariana Trench looked like a joke against it.

He had a cure, hadn’t he? To make the pain go away, to let Loki _forget_.

Perhaps he would try one more time, tell Loki at a later point of his heritage.

_One more time and if that still doesn’t work out –_

_Then I, at least, tried._

He wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t your typical hero one found in comic books or movies. No. He was _Tony Stark_. Ad he had a way to help Loki out, to save him from all the pain and –

Loki would never need to know that Tony stopped this loop to make him better. _Feel better_ , that was. He pulled up the feed from the living room where Loki was playing chess against JARVIS, his face a mask of total disinterest and concentration at the same time; just a very Loki thing to have. His hair was perfectly in shape, not a single hair where it wasn’t supposed to be, and he stroked with a finger over his lips.

But he looked pale. His finger was trembling ever so lightly.

Perhaps he could learn to be happy with his heritage at some point.

Alas Tony couldn’t bear to see Loki’s suffering a minute longer. He charged the repulsor’s beam up and aimed at his face.

**Baptism of Fire.**

Loki’s hands were cold as he reached for Extremis. “You are different than to how you were in your memories.”

“What do you mean?”

No muscle dared to twitch in Loki’s face. “You’re closed off. Distanced.”

Tony swiped a hand over his tired face, blinking himself awake. “Yeah.” He blinked again, pinching himself as he noticed that Loki’s words started to blur together, a rumble of up and downs that didn’t make sense to him anymore. He only stared, saw the way Loki’s mouth moved, fluidly and elegant; noticed how Loki’s mouth formed a lovely oval, then his tongue hit against his teeth and a new sound came out.

It still didn’t make any sense to him.

Sounds.

Nothing more.

“- _ny!”_

“Yes?”

“I-“

Tony shushed Loki quickly, his hand covering Loki’s mouth. “No,” he said. “Not now.” That was when he noticed how wide Loki’s eyes were and that – well, he felt Loki’s lips against his hand. He wanted them elsewhere, taste the softness with his lips, not only just –

He stared at Loki with growing horror.

“You should leave,” he pressed out before he retreated to his Iron Man suits strategically.

“Tony-“

“Jay, turn on the music!”

He couldn’t, couldn’t, no –

_Not now when he was trying to make things right –_

He didn’t have the time for – for this.

And he saw Loki coming closer, concerned for his new friend, so Tony did what every sane man would do when faced with the dawning of a new realisation that would require understanding and accepting of new developments, that would most likely come with new factors and more bittersweet pain and longing. Also, he was a sane man in possession of a lot of dangerous things that no one should trust him with.

He shot himself.

**Neuropathic Pain.**

When Tony gave Extremis to Loki he told himself that he was _not_ going to let his touches linger. That he _wasn’t_ trying to hold prolonged eye contact with him either. Because in the end, Tony was convinced he was _not_ in love with Loki or fancied any kind of romantical feelings for him.

Maybe he wouldn’t mind tumbling through his sheets with Loki because he was a gorgeous bastard, Tony wasn’t blind despite what some people might think. But sex was _sex_ , no – _relationship_ or something of that kind. Or _feelings_. The last thing he could need at the moment was anything that went beyond _friendship_.

He ignored the throbbing where his heart sat, the unnecessary swallowing he did because he refused to let emotion clog his throat. Perhaps he was an idiot – but he looked at Loki and remember how they sat together in the evenings, heard their laughter echoing in the back of his mind. The companionship they shared and Loki’s eyes on him, the soft smile on his lips when he thought Tony wouldn’t notice – but he did.

Perchance he had been falling for Loki a while longer now but managed to suppress that part of him, somewhere deep inside where he could lock it all away and throw the key far out into the ocean where the water would claim it. Take his chance to unlock this chest at one point again.

It seemed though as if he had underestimated the power of the tides – and that eventually everything far out, would come back to the shore in one way or another.

When Loki left for Asgard, Tony threw himself into his work, created a suit after the other, watched Obi’s fall and his regime crumble only for Stark Enterprise to rise from the ash like an _Iron Man._ Nothing could stop him, nothing was hindering him in his way to get out of here –

Only his stupid heart which craved for the moment Loki would appear at his door again, his stupid smile on his face, the hair set in place and nobody would know who this mysterious stranger was. Only Tony would, because solely Tony knew the man at the surface and the monster hidden within.

Time went on, Loki came back and the loop continued as it should – only at some point, it became March and late at night, Tony threw ice cubes at Loki. There was no reaction, only Loki retaliating by throwing a pillow back in his face which exploded into a swarm of paper birds at contact. More pillows flew through the air, and there was wrangling _because_ of course there was with pillow fights and two goofs. Not that Tony would ever call Loki that to his face but –

Eventually he had Loki under him, his knees pinning Loki’s arms to the floor and grinned in victory.

“Oh my,” Loki drawled, “it seems as if the mortal has bested me.”

“ _Yep_.” Tony chuckled. “So, what am I going to get as my price?”

“A price?” An eyebrow shot up. “You’re sitting on a god, that’s more than any mortal could ever say about themselves.” He lifted a hand easily and Tony had to fight not to lose his balance before he let it drop again. Obviously, he only did that to prove a point and _fuck_ , has that point been proven.

“Are you enjoying the view?”

“Can’t complain,” Tony replied before his brain could caught up with his mouth. He shot Loki a horrified look that he quickly turned into a leer because he was _Tony Stark_ , he wouldn’t be thought of as a coward. Especially not by Loki.

_You’re trying to impress him, you –_

But Tony wouldn’t allow himself to finish that thought, leaning forward, his knees were slipping to the ground and Loki shot him a quick smirk; one that spoke of soon retaliation.

“I like it even better from up close,” Tony whispered when he’s closer to Loki than he probably ever was – a lie, because they were injecting Extremis into each other, they were _wrapped_ or _hugging_ already but something about this position felt new, _exciting_ , mayhap even forbidden. Loki’s scent hit him. For a fleeting bit he thought of something idiotic like running his hands up Loki’s rising chest, his throat, before tilting it back to kiss him.

Instead he winked at Loki, his face slack of surprised shock? – something Tony wasn’t going to waste time thinking about – and reached for –

“There it is,” he said as his fingers wrapped around the remote smugly and he turned the TV on. A reporter talked about the weather for tomorrow before she switched to President Ellis latest act of stupidity.

Out of all things, Tony wouldn’t have expected Loki to start laughing. He wrapped an arm around Tony’s waist, pulled him closer and his eyes closed as he started to calm down.

“You are more of a Trickster than I expected you to be.”

“Coming from the god of Mischief, that’s a high compliment.”

Loki hummed, his hand splayed over Tony’s back and radiating warmth. A content sigh left Tony’s mouth, tilting his head so he could listen to Loki’s slow heartbeat as he watched the news, his eyes starting to fall shut, lured in by warmth. The rhythmical sound calmed Tony’s racing mind down. It was easy to focus on, and he could close his eyes, just like that –

Loki initiated more physical contact in this loop than he usually did. Perhaps it had to do with the pillow fight. Complaints were the least thing Tony was thinking about, as he was leaning into Loki’s hold whenever the opportunity arose. Tension bled from his strained muscles beneath lithe fingers and all ravens Tony saw coming, they were soon gone again as Loki waved with his hand.

Simple days.

Fury came to talk to him about the Avengers Initiative and Tony found himself joining once more. Loki rolled his eyes at his ‘hero antics’ and –

Guilt clawed at his heart because he _wasn’t a hero._ What he did was to manipulate events into his favour. Ended them when they didn’t run as smoothly as he wished them to and –

He ended the previous one when Loki had been breaking apart in front of his. Because _he_ didn’t want to see Loki’s pain, didn’t know how to deal with his never-spilled tears, only saw the signs he recognised from himself, from his own downward spiral, and –

There were some things you wouldn’t wish on anybody –

Okay, perhaps your worst enemy like the Ten Rings but _that was beside the point._

Tony was getting better at ignoring these stabs of guilt. He figured that one day, he could just pretend it never happened or saw it from such a distance, it wasn’t going to bother him anymore. Honestly, he couldn’t wait for it. Not, when Loki’s joke sent him retreating to the bathroom, the door was falling shut behind him with a bang. He covered his head with his hands, rocking back –

Forth.

_Soon it won’t matter anymore._

There was a set of razors in his drawer.

_If the sooner could come now –_

A small voice told him he was a coward.

But Tony had to think of the bigger picture. And he couldn’t _work or function_ when this guilt, this knowledge was choking him.

**No Guilt.**

It was getting increasingly difficult to be around Loki. Not, because he was any more of a pain in the ass than usual or there were new problems.

No.

The reason simply was that Tony found himself _longing_ to spend more time in Loki’s company. He indulged himself quite thoroughly until he realised _what_ he was doing. He sought to make Loki laugh, remove the strain in his neck. Offered massages whenever the opportunity arose and –

He liked doing it.

This was not what he was supposed to be doing. His job was to get out of these loops; his first goal. He was lazy, started to forget everything, living in the moment _too literally_. But at the same moment Tony couldn’t stop himself from doing what he did.

The loop lasted for a while, even longer than usual which _meant a lot_ – nothing though as well. There was a reason behind this, Tony knew it. In the bottom of his mathematical heart, he _knew_ there was a logical explanation, the solution was merely not open to him, disguised by a horribly fat teacher and all that. Tony _knew_ that, he fucking was aware of the fact and still –

“You seem troubled.” Loki was sitting down next to him.

“I’m not.” Tony smirked, leaning closer to Loki, breathing in. Yes, he had a fucking problem, all right.

“I dare to doubt your poorly lied words.”

“How nice of you.” Tony rolled his eyes as his elbow found its way easily into Loki’s side. A chuckle escaped them both. They went quiet after that, simply sat there on the couch. A book appeared eventually in Loki’s hands – _Jane Austen –_ Tony noticed as he continued to fiddle around with his drink. It wasn’t much left of it but he delayed emptying it. As he did with quite a lot of things, he noticed. An Achilles’ Heel of his. He should get rid of it by chance.

Extremis would do the trick, wouldn’t it?

The way the loop ended was –

Stupid. Really, he’d only been sparring with Loki and _perhaps_ admired him too much with how elegantly he moved across the room, his knives flinging through the air and _okay –_

Tony patted Loki’s shoulder as blood was spilling from his mouth. He forgot how _stupid_ dying was and he didn’t like the worry, the _blame_ he saw in Loki’s eyes either. Really –

Nobody should be allowed to look pretty while crying and oh _shit,_ he was making Loki cry and his chest felt _weird_ , he was running out of air and –

**No Denial.**

_Stop denying what you know, Tony._ He felt the yellow light on his face, smelled the sickly stench in the air that he’d managed to forget about. The cave was already trying to suffocate him again – its narrowness, the pressure in his chest and - his own consciousness, his feelings –

He was so goddamn fucked it wasn’t even funny anymore.

But he still called for Loki a few hours later, just – to see if he wasn’t wrong _maybe_. That perhaps this was nothing more than wishful thinking for feeling something else again. Not always ever the same and –

Tony couldn’t even say how long it’s been since he’d been in love. Fancied himself into a crush. There was of course, people Tony found attractive but – it never went deeper. They stayed on the same level, the same _base_ one could say.

He bought Loki a car because he _was_ as stupid as that. And off course did Loki like it. Hit the gas really quick too as they were driving down the street like criminals; way too fast and the police was going to send Tony the bill later. Perhaps this was one of the good things about the loops.

Tony could speed and drive _way too fast_ because – the consequences didn’t matter.

What mattered was the way Loki smiled, his laugh in the wind as they were speeding up and up and cars were honking as they raced by.

Deniability only worked for so long. And the way Tony’s heart started to beat, way too fast to be normal, he gave in into the inevitable. He _liked_ Loki. The way he laughed, sassed him, and drank his Four Loko in one go as one just did. He wasn’t sure how he could have denied it for so long. There was no _way_ –

As the loop went on Tony watched. Learnt. Tried to understand.

Listened.

Played with his pencil as Loki was talking about his adventures. Drew a something that he would never think about again, shut down his StarkPad and cleared his browsing history. Hoping, praying, that Jay would never remind him of his doodle again.

He created another new suit.

Loki learnt how to play the piano. The song he was insistent on learning was called _Deux Arabesque_ and Tony swore he heard the song whenever he walked into his grand foyer. Even when Loki wasn’t playing. His mind was that insistent on it and the soft, albeit quick tune – it stuck to his mind.

Tony loved watching Loki play. Seeing how his fingers learnt to move quicker and quicker, the movements getting surer from minute to minute, the mistakes being analysed, and his fingering being corrected. Tony only chuckled occasionally, remembering his own struggling. Small idiot as he used to be, knowing better than his teacher and just –

_Yes, he had a problem._

Yearning for something that was within Tony’s reach was not something new. Though he had no idea – he did – how to proceed because – didn’t he have other stuff to do at first? His mind felt weird and he got a stabbing pain behind his eyes. He groaned, burying his head in his hands that smelled of oil. Hadn’t he been at this point before? He could swear he’d been and –

Was he starting to forget again?

Already he could not say for certain what all happened in this loop, and the one before. It was all a grey mass, nothing distinguishable anymore. In the background, Motörhead was playing, he recognised the tunes. But JARVIS was already lowering the volume to a bearable level and Tony wished his friend hadn’t done that. The sound of music would – was – always preferably to the stray leading thoughts of his own mind. It led him down paths Tony wished he never would explore.

“Fucking hell.” He stood up, swaying lightly on his legs as the room started to turn around him. _Migraines, his best friend._

**~ ∞ ~**

The loop continued. It felt like a trap, just waiting to shut down eventually because Tony tried to distance himself from Loki. It was behaviour one could expect of a child but Tony _didn’t fucking know what to do._ Hours in his workshop turned to overnight stays _again_ and once more he was thankful for not turning older because his body didn’t mind _too much_ standing and working for hours with no end. His mind was racing and only calming down when he tinkered.

Loki noticed – it was hard to miss after all Tony’s sudden reclusive behaviour but he didn’t say anything. Watched him quietly.

And perhaps –

It would be for the best not to call Loki anymore.

To go back to figuring stuff out on his own.

Because –

What he did here was not fair to Loki. It was only ‘fair’ to himself. Not even that, was it?

_What the fuck was he even doing?_

He didn’t know. It was like someone shoved a rake through his head, ripping him open from the inside out. He put a cold cloth on his forehead.

“Anthony?”

“Hm?” He turned around to the voice in the door, his sight blurry. Yet, he still could make out Loki. The green gave him away and _okay_ , if the migraine wasn’t then – Tony would appreciate the sight more, he was certain. A black shirt with a green tie, hanging loosely around Loki’s neck; fodder for his way to overactive imagination. He swallowed.

“You’re not feeling well.”

“Killer migraine,” Tony whispered. “Too much thinking.”

“Hasn’t killed anybody so far.” Loki sighed. Fingers were raking through Tony’s hair, massaging his scalp lightly and he felt himself melt at that. The pressure was the right amount. Also, it seemed as if Loki had a knack for finding the points that _hurt_.

“I don’t _like_ this loop.”

“You certainly aren’t at your best. But that doesn’t mean you _cannot_ make it better.”

“There are things that make it difficult.”

“So you’re just going to give up?”

“Why not?” Tony sighed. “My head is killing me. This loop just _ain’t it_. We’re not getting anything done so, why shouldn’t I just end it?”

Loki’s fingers stilled before they took back up movement. Tony’s eyes were closed, leaning forward into Loki’s soothing touch.

“Perhaps because you don’t _have to_? After all, I am _here_ because of _you_.”

“But I –“ Tony’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand,” Loki offered in that quiet voice of his. “I am not in your situation so I might not fully understand. But I will not let you end a loop on a whim. There is no certainty that you _will_ wake up again, so far it is only speculations what make you go back, over and over. Do not risk it.”

“All right,” Tony conceded. He felt tears prickling at his eyelids and slowly running down his cheeks. It didn’t matter whether Loki saw them, not when Tony was all but crying into his shirt already. His head was pounding and the pain receding only partially.

The only problem that remained after that was that –

Tony wasn’t happy. He stared at his suits and wondered why he even bothered making them. He ordered more sushi and let Loki test them all, remembered which ones he preferred. To order more of them next time. Did he mention yet that he was doomed? Because he so was.

He wasn’t going forward or backward with this. Instead, he worsened it progressively, his own _condition_ and Loki – he didn’t deserve to be toyed with as Tony did. He was ordering him his favourite sushi rolls whenever possible, made sure to have extra cheese toppings on Loki’s pizza because he was detecting a fondness for the grease and –

Gifts weren’t a solution to _everything_ , Tony was fucking aware of that. Neither was food. But the situation was at it was. And if food put a smile on Loki’s face then Tony was fucking going to take it. Revelled in the simplicity of the moment for as long as he could before reality came crushing through the door again. Without knocking beforehand. That was how it felt when their talks turned inevitably back to the loops, when Tony got reminded again of the situation he was trapped in.

There were shopping trips to Tony’s tailor to get Loki another suit because – well, Tony just _liked_ seeing Loki in well-fitted suit pants, hugging his apparently infinitely long legs tight, his mouth watering as he admired the way everything just made his friend look even more – _delectable_. The hint of a smirk on Loki’s face. He knew or at least, had an extremely strong hunch that he knew what he was doing to Tony.

It was – _delicious_. It was fatal. This sense of Loki _knowing_ that there was something Tony _wanted_ from him, more than just friendship and teasing him about it. It was – thrilling. Dangerous. It led Tony down paths he –

Yes, he had thought about this before, he had. He remembered these thoughts. His heart started to beat, raced with his mind for a price he didn’t know as Loki started to sing along to a song playing on the radio. _Why did he have to be so perfect?_ This moment so good, fantastic even?

And Tony yearned for turning his head to the side and kiss Loki because _fuck-_ did he want to do it. But he shouldn’t, he fucking shouldn’t and that was the worst part of it all. Even when Loki still was in the new suit and looked ready to be ravaged, his hair flowing just a bit in the wind. If not for now, then Tony probably never understood all these car commercials with women and their flowing hair, the _badassery_ at this all.

Lies.

He knew about the power of cars; he had so fucking many and most of them had pretty darn glorious memories to it. _Cars, saving lives since almost ever_.

Was there sexual tension brewing on the horizon? Perhaps. Tony would not utter a word without his lawyer present but that one would most likely be scared off by Loki anyway.

He wasn’t thinking of anything – he was thinking of Loki – when he laid in his bed. Eyes closed, the day reviewing behind closed lids, smiling slightly at the memory of Loki being dressed. The smiles. He was obsessed just a bit, all right? Now, that he had accepted the inevitability of having _feelings_ for his friend –

To say that he had fallen hard and deep, and that _fast_ , was an understatement.

But the issue in this was that – the loop had continued. Until today. Because Tony smelled it as the air started to change. From being clean to the humid smell again. And he knew that when he opened his eyes, yellow light would greet him.

**No Simplicity.**

Most surprising was that Tony felt _pissed_. He felt a rage, so deep and untamed like he hadn’t in a long while. He was _back_ in this fucking cave. He didn’t _deserve this_.

Why the fuck was he even back?

The loop had been fucking _going on,_ he’d been part of the Avengers Initiative, Loki had been with him and –

“No!”

“Stark?” Yinsen asked him, his voice tired and hoarse.

_Fuck. The nightmares._

He’d forgotten about those –

“It’s okay.” He sighed. “Sudden burst of anger at the situation.”

The anger didn’t recede over the next few days. And Tony didn’t call for Loki either because – he couldn’t show Loki his memories. Not when he saw Loki and all he felt was the need to kiss him, to tell him that he wanted him. As more than _just a friend_ and –

The desire for him was running deep, too quickly for Tony to prevent it. If Loki knew then - 

He’d meet Tony, full of suspicion and distrust. Would see their story, understand Tony and –

Find out he was fucking in love with him.

Wasn’t that fucking creepy?

For Tony it certainly was. He groaned inwardly. Maybe – he should simply accept that the last loop together had been _their last_. There’d be no going back. Only forward. Perhaps –

The loop reset was to remind him what he was here for. Then only the question would remain _what_ this purpose was because Tony was none the wiser yet.

**~ ∞ ~**

It was difficult to get back into how it used to be before Loki. There were elements Tony barely remembered. Didn’t know how he’d acted, what he had said to someone. The possibility that he fucked up a lot was huge but he didn’t have the time to worry about that. Tony’s job was to – get out of here. Even when he stared at the Four Lokos in his bar and his heart ached in a completely different way.

And he hadn’t –

It wasn’t like –

His heart _hurt_ and on occasion he felt close to breaking out in tears. Felt them already swimming in his eyes but quickly focused on _something._ Didn’t let Pepper see how close Tony felt to –

He was _fine._ His chest might ache, he might stare for too long at weird drinks and debate whether it would be better to throw them out or to drink them. He might stare at his projects for hours and not do anything because his head was – it wasn’t _quiet_. It was empty. It was full. But never – in a spot where Tony wanted it to be. He drank coffee, ate more sweets in the hope it would give him the focus he needed.

But he missed Loki. That was the truth. Was it a wonder his thoughts were circling around him? After Tony spent so many hours with him, was more used to his company than he was to Pepper or Rhodey’s? They _saw_ there was something wrong with him. Blamed it most likely on Obadiah’s betrayal. How was he supposed to tell them he grieved over something – someone – he hadn’t met in this life? They’d stare at him like he’d finally lost it and ask him to cut down on the coffee.

JARVIS didn’t. JARVIS knew. Had measured Tony’s pulse as he told the story. There were no spikes out of the extraordinary. Only emotions Tony eventually had to let happen because there was – perhaps he should hire JARVIS as his therapist. It did wonders to his soul.

“You fucking bastard.”

He wasn’t sure whom he was talking about. Distractions weren’t working. The finished Mark LXXXIII didn’t spark any joy in Tony. It made him only more melancholic because guess who had helped him to finish the plans for this baby. The Ten Rings were destroyed, nothing more than ash and dust. AIM was already taken care of. And yet. Tony didn’t feel like he had done anything that mattered. The whole world might be on fire from all that was happening, admiring Iron Man and his deeds.

Tony Stark simply felt like he’d been left standing in the rain.

Like the Tenth Doctor.

He’d make a great meme.

He blamed Loki for how he felt.

And it was so fucking difficult not to call him. Not to think about Loki as not to call the bastard’s attention on himself. But it was doable, as much as it sucked.

Then –

June 2nd. And Tony sat in his house in Malibu, a can of Four Loko in his hands. Tried not to think about where he could be right now. That Coulson hadn’t knocked yet because Tony had fucked up somewhere. No flying car to repair.

No Loki either.

He was really doing this, wasn’t he? Pulling through without his friend. Denying himself –

_Friendship_. Someone he could trust in, who believed him. And Loki didn’t know, Loki was being _spared_. Didn’t have to –

He looked at the spot next to him. Empty. Nothing unexpected.

_Why the fuck did it hurt._

Oh, he absolutely knew why. Though it was easier to pretend he had no clue.

It was three days later that the loop started anew.

**Lies.**

Tony screamed quietly into his pillow. The car battery hurt in his chest, the cables smooth and so utterly cold against his skin, the clothes he wore barely did anything. Not when he felt so _cold_ already.

“Hallelujah!” He eventually gritted out when his voice felt hoarse and his eyes were burning from all that the tears that ran down his face. This was not _fair._ And he had no one he could complain to, to talk about all of this.

Rage continued to burn inside of him, electrifying and channelling the beast inside of him that made Iron Man work. The desire to burn something – anything – sat heavy in his fingers as he forged the mask, ate on his heart as he put the new reactor inside of him. _No rest for the wicked_ , as someone once said. And what, if not wicked, was Tony? The Ten Rings were burning.

Yinsen breathed in his hands and Rhodey pulled him into a desperate hug. It’s been so long, Tony had forgotten how his friend’s hands felt around him, how they’d trembled, the voice shaken with a joke that long stopped making sense to Tony and lost all humour too.

No Loki.

Tony Stark didn’t need a sidekick. Or a partner. He had JARVIS and his AI was soon up to date, running schematics and analyses of what Tony knew and remembered. Put together a timeline. Obadiah was arrested, Pepper cried in Tony’s hoodie, Happy brought cheeseburgers to this cheerful party.

He had to do something, had to figure out how the loop would end. No Loki meant, no distractions. It felt _mean_ , it felt like a gift bestowed upon him with malicious intentions. First, he got his hands on a _treasure_ , lost his heart to it and now he was forbidden to see him. _Couldn’t_. Not for as long as he was in this condition.

The solution to this uniqueness was simple, was it not? Either Tony would break the loops and then call Loki as reward, give him Extremis, and solve his problem – or he stopped having intense feelings for his friend. That was _possible_. Maybe they’d become friends again. Eventually fall in love together and Tony would find his happy end. But for now it seemed as if there was no certainty and he was done with challenging fate when he had a clear path cut for himself.

He destroyed the Ten Rings with a smile on his face, burnt them down to the ground until only ashes remained. But all he could think about was – that the last time he’d done so Loki had _understood_. His need for revenge. His desire to get it all, to make everything work because the sky was freaking _not_ the limit despite what some idiots may think.

This was nothing more but a test of willpower and strength. Tony was more than determined to win it. No price was too high. If that meant to sacrifice his heart, to lose his _anchor_ because fucking _shit_ , it was what Loki had become for him – then that would be done. Eyes open, heart closed, and through. Easy as that.

Though it only was easy in theory. When was it not?

Whenever he returned from his workshop, his eyes burning with exhausting and his eye bags heavy and dark; his hands found the bottles he should rather stay away from. The burn of alcohol scorched his oesophagus, his mouth was on fire, the tongue too numb to ask for help. The couch, the carpet, they were soft under his head. He thought.

There were days – nights – it didn’t matter anymore, where Tony couldn’t remember how he’d gotten into his bed. JARVIS helpfully always told him it had been himself but how was Tony to know? His memory was out. Gone. The chance that he had worse blackouts than back in his college days or where Howard had been oh so lovingly to him, they seemed to fade away into nothing.

Sometimes Tony dreamt. Sometimes there was the sound of laughter in his dreams and cool hands leading him somewhere, a gentle touch to his temple and a promise, a soft teasing, of more –

On other nights, he couldn’t remember what he’d dreamt about. Perhaps nothing. Tony was always glad for these nights. Nothing would always be preferable to what he had lost. _Given up._

He continued to do what he thought _was_ the best way. Joined the Avengers, somehow managed to get back into Fury and Coulson’s good graces.

Yet –

Tony Stark had always been accused of having a big mouth. Said much though there wasn’t a lot of action behind it. _A coward_.

Okay, maybe people didn’t _say_ that into his face directly. But – he knew that there were a lot who thought this. He knew that. It was an open secret, one that Pepper always made sure to know about because these were the kind of people Tony _loved_ to prove wrong and often it led to amazing things he invented. Also, because slander wasn’t necessarily the best kind of press the CEO of a multi-million-company should have. Especially not when this company used to sell weapons.

But now, with Coulson in his house? Asking him to join him because something was going on in New Mexico they’d loved to have his opinion on?

He felt fear. Deep terror rooted in his heart, beating irregular, and sweat was starting to pool on his forehead, dripping, leaving salty trails. His knees felt weak, his breath flat. _Loki._ He had the urge to find something to drink, a medicine to soothe him. Give him a break. An escape from his own skin that felt too heavy and too big for him to wear. Nothing –

He should have counted on this. Remembered that SHIELD had their hands mixed up with Loki – although they didn’t know about him, only his brother. How could he have –?

_Denial was a strong force to work with._ Perhaps a tool Tony had managed to underestimate because he’d shoved this away so far and so deep, that –

“Mr Stark, can you tell me five things you see?”

_Coulson_. _The carpet. His fingers. Darkness_.

“Mr Stark–“

The voice grew more urgent. He should leave. Leave Tony behind. Leave him here. In his fucking house. That was haunted by more memories than he could count and he had to drink them all away.

“ _It is June first, Sir. The weather is sunny today, a small breeze.”_

_JARVIS._

“ _Currently Mr Coulson from SHIELD is with you. You are in no immediate danger, Sir.”_

Wasn’t that nice to hear?

He wasn’t sure when but eventually he could open his eyes again. It didn’t feel any longer like he had to cry or vomit. His hands were buried in his shirt and Agent looked at him with a bland façade. Though Tony was sure agent was full of questions and curiosity. Because – who the fuck counted on Tony Stark having a breakdown in his own living room after all?

“I’ll send someone over later,” Agent told him. He pressed a glass of water into Tony’s hands, made sure his fingers actually _were_ clenched around it and didn’t only accept the glass. “To check in on you. I’ll tell Mr Fury that you are sadly busy with other contracts and will check in on New Mexico as soon as you’re able to, but other business had to take precedent. Please nod if you could follow me.”

He nodded. Slow but he understood. This was – _unexpected_. Agent giving him an out. Didn’t go running to Fury and ridiculed Tony. Made him appear _weak_. Perhaps – there was more to Agent than Tony had thought.

Agent left, his steps hallowing on the parquet floor. The door fell quietly shut.

The SHIELD agent Tony got to check in on him was a Melinda May who looked. Well. Like she could tear Tony apart with her bare hands. Where that normally would have made him feel _something_ , and for sure would have tried to flirt with her and get her into his bed, now – he didn’t do it. He had someone who could tear him apart if need was. And already had done so.

Perhaps it was the _not flirting_ that made May open to him. She was still distanced, didn’t become _too friendly_ but her rationality? Checking in on him on orders felt a bit _wrong_. Perhaps it wasn’t quite the thing that he wanted but – at least he wasn’t alone. Which was nice, considering. He could for sure get Rhodey or Pepper over here however that would most likely require of him to tell them what happened. That was something Tony wished to avoid. And May was cool.

Really.

She chugged down the bottle of beer like it was nothing and beat the crap out of him in the ring too. Good times.

It didn’t take Tony by surprise when he woke up three days later and the light was yellow again.

**Lies.**

He had no fucking idea what he should do. Again, it seemed to be the case that he had to do something with Loki because – with him the loop seemed to reset. Of course, it had to be that way. Any other would be too easy to solve. Too nice to him. Because – he didn’t _want_ to see Loki. Rather pined away in his house in Malibu and buried his feelings with alcohol in a shallow grave. Everything but _him_. Because –

Tony was weak. He’d make Loki into his friend again. Would try to make him laugh, buy him his favourite sushi rolls. Loki would know though for what it was: an attempt _subtly_ to flirt with him, to make him stay, to be fond of _Tony_. Because Loki would read his memory and see it all, his face scrunched up with the newfound and disturbing knowledge that the stranger in front of him loved him – his other _selves_ he’d met – and was lusting after him.

Tony would straight out bailout if the positions were reversed. Wish him a genuinely nice day before leaving without looking back over his shoulder. The advantage Loki had was that he could simply vanish into the air. No need for any sort of etiquette, just _poof_ and gone. Easy.

When he returned to Malibu and threw himself into the theory of time travelling again.

“Jay, get me the Eigenvalues on energy spikes in Afghanistan from the day on I went missing until today. Wait, make that to the Negative Thermal Energy.” He looked at the map of Afghanistan. “Add to that the places with intense heat.”

More places in Afghanistan lit up. Green was the energy, red the heat. They were focused around Uruzgan and Gahzni, each. His heart started to beat faster when he realised that this was where he’d been held. In the heart of Afghanistan.

Almost poetically since this was the place where he’d gotten a mechanical one.

“Good.” He nodded slowly, a picture starting to form in his head. “Heat, energy. Do you have the coordinates from when I was kidnapped?” Numbers appeared on the screen in front of him. “Add the location from the Stark Industry research facility to that. The one with the giant arc reactor.”

“ _Sir, what are you looking for?”_

“A solution.” Tony rubbed a finger over his goatee. “One that doesn’t trigger Grandfather’s paradox if we take the measurements to get the spectral decomposition.”

“ _I thought the stage of quantum mixture and mechanics is beyond us, Sir.”_

“I think it has gotten more relevant than ever before. Take a look at how this would evolve with the numbers that we got. If that outcome is positive, we might look more into Deutsch and his fixed points of evolution acts within the CTC. The probability should become 50 percent that I’ve been abducted in Afghanistan and died above Sector 16 of the research facility. Enough fixed points in history, I think.”

_“There appears to be a hole within the topological structure, Sir.”_

“Only one?”

“ _Yes. It fluctuates if different parameters are used.”_

“Great. So, the whole time dilation works because the channel is mutable and only proves the General Relativity.”

_“It seems as if your time travel only affects you, Sir. Since time appears for the rest of the world to be absolute while it is a perception for you.”_

Tony’s smile fell. “Amazing.” 

_He was stuck here._ “What makes the change, J?”

“ _The ending point, Sir.”_

“Even better. That means the only way forward is to push the end further and further until we’ve left the space of the beginning and all that remains possible is to keep move ahead.”

_“That sounds like the only logical approach, Sir.”_

It left Tony empty; his mind growing calm, dangerously so. It was never a good sign as the only calamity could result from this. He knew of a way out now. Had an _inkling_ what made him return.

The question only remained what it was and how he could become no hole anymore. He chose to solve the problem by drinking excessively so. The mixture of caffeine and alcohol was running through his veins. He was laughing at the same time he was rambling nonsense and JARVIS could only watch in stoic silence after Tony forced Protocol _Silentio_ onto him.

He tried to go forward. The last time without – without going to New Mexico although he started to realise that perhaps he would have to face his own demon again. His wonderfully tall demon with glowing green eyes. _Iofðungr._ He was back to the heartache. To be faced with a choice Tony wished he wouldn’t have to make because for sure, it wouldn’t go down well.

The loop ended with the day Loki fell.

A part of Tony screamed because once more he chose to fail his friend rather than to help him.

His life was on his conscience, there was no way around it. He had to accept that inevitable truth.

**Loneliness.**

Doing all these loops without someone at his side was strange. Weird. It was a hollow adventure, the thrill long forgotten and faded away. Loki had become essential to him. Tony often found himself turning around with a quip on his tongue only to speak into an empty room. JARVIS remained silent in these moments, realising that his creator wished for someone else than him to respond. To banter.

Tony was turning into a bitter lone wolf quicker than he realised. He noticed it in the way that he hesitated to take his friends’ offer up on spending time. For him they hadn’t been _there_ when it mattered. This journey was not theirs to walk with him and give him the needed tools when asked, dragged his ass to the fire to bathe in the warmth. No.

They silently wondered how much damage he’d taken in Afghanistan.

When Tony stared at his shower for hours before he closed his eyes and opened the spray, careful not to wet his face, then he started to wonder too. It was growing Pavlovian, showers and him. Now, that Loki wasn’t there to rescue him anymore – water was _unpleasant_ on his face. His pulse started to speed up automatically and a washing cloth had to suffice for cleaning. It was easier to shave himself and get the goatee into a perfect shape than the other task. The only disadvantage to this was that Tony saw how his eye badges grew darker.

They weren’t ever in a pristine condition but now? When he avoided sleep on purpose for as long as he could? He started to cover them up with make-up when he met his friends. When he saw Pepper and Natasha together and how they grew inevitably closer together. It made him –

Yeah. Jealous.

Because Pepper could have what he wasn’t allowed to have. Without any big troubles. There were no problems, no consequences she had to face apart from that she was choosing to live together with a trained assassin who was most likely here to keep an eye on Tony. He knew of the threat, it had never changed. Fury might be open to talk to him about New Mexico and be more amenable to Tony and his suggestions, but – that didn’t mean he left him unsupervised.

After all, he couldn’t get behind JARVIS’ firewall anymore and spy on Tony through his own AI as he’d tried loops and loops ago. The betrayal still ran deep and wouldn’t be forgotten. Perhaps Tony was just a tragic figure Shakespeare would have loved to get his fingers on.

All the betrayals, the love that was not allowed to be, the undisclosed fate Tony had to endure while burdened with his conscience and knowledge? Yeah. He chuckled silently at that.

When the time came, he flew to New Mexico with Agent.

He wasn’t ready per se to face Loki. In fact, he was afraid of what would happen. There was a tiny bitter part of him that told him at least he would _get_ to see him. He didn’t have to talk to him, did he? Perhaps seeing him would be enough. For now. Savour it. For later. Put it away. Tell himself that he wasn’t in love with Loki anymore or not as strong anymore.

That it was a mere crush, an attraction born out of lust.

In his heart Tony knew it was wrong. De facto, he was certain to have developed more feelings for Loki in his absence.

When Tony stared down at the hammer he realised he didn’t have any technology with him to see Loki. He saw him moving – only in his mind. Because it was past 2:13pm and a few minutes later, Tony was still staring at the spot. Even when he knew deep in his heart that Loki had long since left.

**Forlornness.**

Someone would write one day a sappy song about him, Tony was sure of that. He stood in New Mexico, the place where Loki would appear in a few months. If asked he could most certainly tell where Loki would stand. With his stupid long coat and his sleeked hair. _Fucking shit_. He was hovering about the spot, his heart feeling like it had been ripped apart all over again. Most likely bleeding from the insides too and sullying his new undersuit and the Mark _– whatever._

He sighed, his fingers clenched into a fist. He wanted to see Loki. An oversight on his part not to remember Norse or that Loki was fucking _invisible_ to him. Beginner’s mistake.

_Why the fuck was he even here?_ He behaved worse than a teenager with a crush. Maybe it was just to remember.

With that he turned around in the air, racing towards where JARVIS had discovered a base of the Ten Rings. Not like Tony hadn’t known this one existed but it was better to have proof because otherwise this could cause a lot of trouble at court. Not that he was _necessarily_ asked to the court but yeah. Years of being CEO of Stark Industries had taught him some shit about how much fun it could be not to have the required proof. _Yeah_.

Tony took some pleasure in burning the base to the ground. It was a good distraction though it only could last for so long, couldn’t it? He chuckled, the sound echoing mechanically inside of his helmet. His solution for now was to take distractions where he could get them.

He even bothered with Hammer, only to have more time occupied by something else than his thoughts. Which proved to be horrible because – Hammer. Who the fuck in their right minds talked _voluntarily to Hammer?_

Him, apparently. And journalists when they hoped to get some shit on him. That was it. Maybe his butler because _of course_ would Hammer have a butler and pretend to be someone with class when he really – _wasn’t._ Just another douchebag who knew better and pissed Tony off.

Pepper pulled him eventually away, eyes rolling as Tony’s insults kept flying straight over Hammer’s head. Occasionally it was nice to be passive aggressive. Pinkie promise.

He kept pushing for agencies that deserved a more thorough look. SHIELD of course, had already been dealt with in earlier loops and for all that Tony knew he shouldn’t lose his optimism, he had this feeling in his gut that this loop wouldn’t _continue_ either. What it gave away was the simple fact that Tony didn’t feel it. Admittedly, normally he wasn’t one to trust his _feelings_ either, rather based his decision on impulsiveness and 12 percent of a plan. Like any sane person would do, right?

There was SWORD which didn’t look _clean_ , there was this hint of HYDRA in SHIELD and Tony made sure that May – yes, _her_ – knew all about it because he was nice like that. What did he care that she didn’t know him apart from being a flirty playboy who got a suit? He owed her. And the debt was repaired with this. AIM wasn’t neglected either and Tony took great pleasure in ensuring Killian’s hair got a new cut with some perfectly aimed rockets.

Yes, he could pin something on Killian.

Experiments on humans weren’t strictly allowed by the Geneva Convention so Tony had that as his defence and would use it how he saw it fit.

For some reason Coulson didn’t ask him to join him to New Mexico. It threw Tony off, then continued racing over the world to take down more bases. He heard JARVIS mutter in disapproval and that _Sir would regret these actions_ but –

It felt good. Finally, he had the sense of doing something again. _What did it matter if the media was against him?_

They would change their mind as soon as everything was revealed. The horrors behind all the agencies revealed. Tony would be known for being a _hero_. For acting when the government turned a blind eye on what’s been going on _willingly_. Sometimes in exchange for money.

Yet, pride came before a fall, didn’t it?

Tony saw the world racing closer as he tumbled through the sky. His HUD flashed in red and white alarmingly, and oxygen wasn’t processed as it usually was. The jet behind Tony fired again and he tried his best to evade the shot. He was somewhere over Turkey? He wasn’t sure, he’d been taking a nap, exhaustion finally creeping up on him like a bad joke.

The desert was coming closer and the suit was still malfunctioning and somewhere Tony registered a shooting pain in his leg.

Perhaps he’d overdone it, this time.

**Agony.**

Tony felt his leg, glad to find it undamaged. He knew that it was stupid to do so because _everything_ got reset after a loop ended. But his brain demanded evidence. Deep down Tony was nothing more than a simple scientist, wasn’t he? A chuckle escaped him, quiet in the sticky air and he opened his eyes.

It only lasted for so long as the laughter soon died in his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered Loki, that he hadn’t seen him for so long now. He missed him. Missed him so much that his chest constricted, and he felt the car battery more than ever inside of him. The cables running over his stomach, the low hum of electricity, the warmth that felt so foreign. And that when it should feel familiar.

He carried on with the loop, smiled at the right people and brought others into jail (he hoped).

Pepper asked him if there was something wrong with him because he was in such a foul mood, even months after he’d escaped the Ten Rings and if he wasn’t happy with _Iron Man._ He wasn’t. Iron Man was – it used to be a part of Tony. It still was, in a certain way. But, Iron Man didn’t change with him. Iron Man stayed as he was, fought the evil and served as tool for revenge. While it felt good – Tony wasn’t going to deny that –

It didn’t help him. Iron Man didn’t fucking help him and it seemed as if being Tony Stark wasn’t good enough either for this puzzle. When had been the last time he thought optimistically about getting out of this? He couldn’t remember, no matter how much he tried. Must have been a while now. His patience was wearing thin. There was a shred of doubt if he even still had patience. Why he didn’t just try to find a _cure_ that would rid him for once and all of this.

But then, he’d shot himself in the head, hadn’t he? With the result of still waking up in the cave and going at it all over again. Death wasn’t a solution no matter what he tried. It was only a way of reverting things.

_He missed Loki._ His cool, neutral perspective of looking at the problem and finding new ways of going at it. In all the loops they spent time together, it had been them together who tried new medicine, debated about it on philosophical levels and –

Actually made him forget about the loops. Even if it only ever was for a little while. Tony appreciated those distractions now more than ever before. _Absence making the heart grow fonder_ , and all that. He wished for the day to end. They were getting close to June which meant that Loki –

Loki would soon be back.

_Iofðungr mín._ Tony had looked Old Norse up again recently. He’d missed the sound of it, the feeling of it rolling off his tongue and for minutes, Tony had been standing in front of the mirror and practiced. Practiced until the words came out easily, all faltering gone again. _Smooth_.

He started to think about Loki too much.

He couldn’t do that. He’d hear him. Listen. _Pay attention._

And while the feeling of green eyes staring into his back might be appreciated, Tony couldn’t allow himself a weakness. It had been too close anyway. Loki had almost become his Achilles’ Heel and –

_NO_.

He stared at the phone in his hand. He looked at the pizza on his plate. All he felt was tiredness washing over him in waves. No Loki. Easy as that.

The flight to New Mexico with Coulson happened so quickly after that, it took Tony by surprise. His eyes were watering in the wind and he clutched onto his jacket with all his might. It wasn’t the flight that scared him. Of course not. It was the same suspect as usual.

He had a heat detecting camera with him – only for the fun of it – not because he necessarily needed it. The wait for Loki to appear was slow, torturously so. His eyes were hurting from how hard he was squinting at the screen.

It was 2:13pm.

Tony looked up. Right where Loki’s eyes would be.

“Hi,” he said. Because sometimes words failed him too and he wasn’t even sure if Loki had heard him correctly. His mouth felt dry. His voice hoarse. And his heart was beating up to his ears, so loudly that he wasn’t sure if he heard Loki answering or if that was only a part of his imagination.

He didn’t like how Loki made a step towards him. Carefully measured as if afraid he’d scare him away. The camera fell from Tony’s grip, sweat pooling in his palms and –

He wasn’t sure anymore where Loki was. Couldn’t see him.

Nothing happened.

The hammer was still not moving, not that Tony was surprised.

“Fyrirgef mik, Iofðungr min.” Tony eventually whispered. Loki wouldn’t hear it, he was long since gone. It was close to 3 in the afternoon. “Bregðasek.”

“Mr Stark, have you gotten anything on the camera?”

“No.” He turned around to Coulson with a smile on his face. It felt so fake that he was surprised the agent didn’t call him out on it. “I thought there was a heat signature but turned out, the hammer messes with my stuff as well.” He flipped the weapon off.

Tony heard a faint chuckle to his right but when he turned around, and pointed at it with his camera, there was no one. He was alone, well with Coulson, but not with Loki.

“Right.” Coulson nodded. “If you want to spend more time here, be my guest. Otherwise, the canteen has lasagna for today.”

He left.

There was no lasagne in the canteen. Only _spaghetti_ and while they weren’t bad, they weren’t what was promised.

“Agent, you lied to me about food.”

“Have I?” Coulson looked at him with a blank face. “We haven’t talked today, Mr Stark.”

“We–“

_The chuckle._

_Oh –_

Tony felt – felt _something_ , while he went back to his quarters. A grin might have broken out on his face as well but –

It was so childish. It would do nothing but ruin his reputation he had in SHIELD’s circles but for now, Tony didn’t care. What was interesting was that _Loki_ had played a prank on him. Because who else than him could it have been? Coulson wasn’t one who played pranks.

Maybe, maybe Tony wasn’t as alone as he’d feared.

Then –

_Why the fuck did Loki show himself to me?_

There was only one solution. And that was that Loki had listened in on Tony’s ramblings. Which meant –

He had to start again.

He had to.

**Obligation.**

The light was yellow as usual. The hatred for the Ten Rings was the usual.

Ignoring what his heart wanted? Not usual.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things Tony had ever done. Putting extreme effort in _not_ thinkin about what he usually did, to pretend and convince himself that what he did was right. For him, all the previous loops had to be erased. They didn’t exist anymore. He’d been alone in then.

He craved oblivion to what had transpired and found it when he destroyed caves. Watched fires licking high into the sky and screams could be heard for miles. _Lethe._ Was there anything like that on Earth? Tony was hell bent on finding out. He tried medicine that shouldn’t be prescribed to him but he had the money and despite what some people might think, he _could_ do a lot when he donated here and there some things, paid someone else’s college fees, and and and. Was he necessarily proud of what he did?

He didn’t find the answer to that in his sleep. Neither when he was awake. Instead he chose to avert his eyes whenever a surface would reflect his image. One might call that an admission of guilt. Tony preferred to call it, “simply not dwelling on it”.

When he realised where his dreams were going – when he had no _fucking control_ over it – he chose methods he wasn’t particularly proud of. He worked himself into exhaustion. Worked beyond it. His heart was beating slowly and the arc reactor felt cold in his chest. Sometimes he thought he saw it flickering.

Dum-E wanted to play ‘catch’ and Tony threw it, threw it until his arms started to hurt from the motion and his muscles hurt. Deltoids, triceps, latissimus dorsi. Pectoralis Major. Triceps.

He learnt them all, back then when he created his suit. Had to know what muscles he had where to configure something _nice._ They all hurt. He didn’t want to hear for how long he’d been playing ‘catch’. But Dum-E sat in his corner and looked exhausting, his battery almost completely empty.

It made him drop dead in his bed if he even got so far. One day he woke up in the elevator, no idea how he’d gotten there. Alcohol burned his tongue when the workshop seemed to be too much labour for the day. Rhodey invited him to a mission where Iron Man could be needed for PR work, on the side of Iron Patriot. Melancholy overwhelmed him when he realised how long it had been since they flew to space.

Rhodey’s laughter was loud and bright in his helmet. A sound so innocent and pure in contrast to what had been going on with Tony, it almost made him stumble mid-flight.

Here he was, hanging out with his best friend. After viciously letting Loki fall, over and over. Ignoring his pain. His fate. _No –_

“I missed hanging out with you,” he joked and patted Rhodey’s ass. It sounded like it should – very metallic.

“Me too.” Rhodey laughed some more.

Tony ignored the feeling. His eyes were getting blurry and he couldn’t wipe them away but that was okay. A bit of sweat hadn’t hurt a fly yet.

Lately he was getting good at ignoring. Nothing felt like it was supposed to anymore and he avoided with glee he didn’t feel the colour green. Ignorance could be so nice. To make sure he was even the best at it, he made sure to buy the area in New Mexico where something would fall in a couple of days. Built a small hat around it, small in Tony Stark Speech, of course.

When the hammer arrived, Tony made sure the let SHIELD know and the media only got to hear nothing about the incident. There was no report of a fallen hammer no one could lift. There were no Arthur and the sword in the stone comparisons.

There was no Jane Foster. He hoped. Maybe there was. But SHIELD hadn’t reported any attempt at burglary yet. He was allowed to think about Thor. Thor was a safe area. _Grey,_ as one could put it. Nothing hurtful there to see.

It happened days later. Tony couldn’t say what exactly it was but Thor finally – _finally, yes_ – tried to get the hammer and for some reason, the hammer got lifted a few inches. Then became too heavy again. Tony watched it with sharp eyes.

It didn’t take long, after that. A part in Tony, however infinitesimal it might be, had hoped for this outcome. The destroyer. And the whole area burned, Thor’s friends were suddenly there and Tony – should, he really should oh _fuck_ –

He was over there in a few minutes. Just when Thor started to glow and had the hammer in his hand. Tony’s breath was surprisingly calm and that when he stood opposite Loki. He’d never thought it would come this far. Ever.

But this Loki didn’t know him.

Thor accepted his help gladly when it came to destroying the machine and for some reason –

It felt good. His arms were hurting. His heart was bleeding because he was finally _close_ to Loki again while at the same time, he was further away from him than before. They were enemies. Strangers. Nothing connected them, and only Tony had the memories to them both. And selfish as he was, he chose to keep them to himself.

The battle was over quicker than Tony thought. Thor and his friends disappeared to Asgard, leaving him and Jane behind.

There she was.

He’d started to wonder.

He wondered what would happen now.

He didn’t wonder when he felt the world around him shift maybe half an hour later and the air changed.

**Defeat.**

Ignoring led to nothing. All it resulted in was the crumbling of his own heart, the longing simply doubled. The yearning stronger than ever before. He’d been a fool to think he could ignore his problems away. Pepper had always told him it would lead to nothing.

_Howard_ had taught him ignoring someone would only result in bigger catastrophes. It had been worth a try, for sure. Nobody was going to argue with him on that and least of all, Tony himself. Which was hilarious because he was the only one who could fight with him about it. The winner was obvious from the beginning.

Shame was wreaking his frame and he continued to do nothing but be on his cot. Yinsen was trying to get his breath under control just a few feet away. Another friend he’d failed. But one he could save. Was this –

The actual solution? Saving Loki? Was that –

Was his mission to save people that would be lost without him?

_He didn’t fucking know._

Because – yes. He had no idea, had he? A migraine started to grow and pressure weighed on his head, his eyes feeling swollen. He shut his eyes to ward them off the yellow light. Just a few minutes more. Another breath. Forging a plan with what he’s going to do today. This loop. It was today.

Perhaps he should try to save Loki. Find a way to tell him of the Jotun inside of him. Kill his faith in his family all over again which only resulted in Loki dying again, in some way or another. Was there even a way to save him? Was that even possible? Why was it _him_ , why the fuck did it have to be him?

The easiest way to figure it out would be to call Loki. Get him over here, save him from the cave and spare him the water baths. Tony didn’t necessarily _need_ them, frankly he was quite happy to avoid them if possible. But a side in him wondered if this wasn’t his punishment to atone for his sins. He wasn’t a man of faith, atheist at the core and lived his life according to it. Yet, the thought didn’t leave his mind. It had never truly left, had it?

He was paving ways, found new paths he could walk on and sometimes they were big enough that Loki could walk with him on then. Tony had to walk on them alone at times. He never wanted to be alone on this journey. Preferred to walk with someone and test out the unfamiliar waters when someone told him he’d be fine. He _could_ have JARVIS do this but –

Despite what he might think, an AI didn’t ever _truly_ replace the warmth of a human touch. JARVIS was clever but – the intricacies of human nature escaped him on a regular basis. He didn’t need a partner, he didn’t need a friend.

Tony did.

Tony craved them. He needed them to be here as much as he feared to interact with them. Knowing that his mouth would run away with him on times, pressed people into doing what _he_ wanted, not them. His life was a lie, wasn’t it?

He liked the finality of that statement. Liked the burn of it. He dived straight into it, explored the feeling in his mind. He didn’t have to do a lot of thinking today otherwise because fuck, if he didn’t know how one built the arc reactor. The first Iron Man suit. The Jericho Missile parts. Held a conversation he had thousand times over already.

The outcome of the loops was nothing he could be certain of. But it was a guarantee it would be a lie. Because Tony knew what other possibilities there were, had lived through them and gauged them for their potential. Had been judged by whatever it was that kept him running here. He got away with actions he wouldn’t have dreamt of before.

If someone bothered him too much, he could simply kill them. Wouldn’t have to fear the consequences because at some point the loops would bring him back here. He could find a way how to take the President out. Rule the world with a few well-placed traps and baits here and there, a whispered lie in a sweetly adorned ear. It wouldn’t take much. Dictator Tony Stark. Who’d have thought?

Did life even still have meaning to him?

He was getting corny, wasn’t he?

With nothing else on his mind but trying not to think of a certain someone _too badly,_ Tony went on with his work. Got Yinsen safely out of the cave and made a run for the championship in ‘how to end a horrible situation quick and cleanly’. So far, his only contender seemed to be a Tony Stark. Never had heard of that dude before but could only be a bore, right?

He felt eyes on him. He was certain of that. There hadn’t been a lot of thoughts to Loki but it seemed that some still went to him. Now that the ignoring and removing completely out of memory part hadn’t proven to be successful, Tony didn’t mind too much. It still hurt him in his pride because _c’mon,_ how could he fail? At a task he set up for himself? Usually that wasn’t allowed to happen.

But despite the observation, Loki didn’t appear. Tony made sure to avoid New Mexico when the time came because –

Yeah, that was a lie. Actually, he decided spontaneously to fly over there, raced Coulson in his Lola and pointed out while _Shoot to Thrill_ was blasting in the sky, the scratch. It won him several valuable moments, not that it mattered because Tony would have won either way.

He put the Rolex he wore around Mjolnir’s handle, patting it kindly. It felt like a farewell. Stupid. He wasn’t sacrificing his watch, only put it around something _worthy._

He almost choked on his laughter; his eyes squeezed shut as tears were leaking out of them like a fucking data leak. So now SHIELD knew he had feelings. Wonderfully.

Next time they wouldn’t know.

He waited patiently until it was 2:13pm.

“Hello, Loki.”

Nothing.

Two minutes later, the watch was gone in a blink. Tony found it in his pockets in the evening. He didn’t have the sensation anymore of being watched.

The ignoring seemed to work too wonderfully, and the trying not to pay attention to Loki while doing so, made the Trickster only the more curious about Tony. He should have known, shouldn’t he? Maybe shouldn’t have whispered, ‘Iofðungr mín’ so often as he did. No matter how much comfort he found in them, the simplicity.

He didn’t have to fear retributions. He only feared what was going to happen since his guard kept slipping. It seemed as if the terror he felt earlier, all those loops again when faced with the question if it was Loki or getting out –

It wasn’t going to happen. Perhaps they were both doomed to this fate. When one didn’t want to play, the other would chase them without mercy. Loki didn’t like being ignored. Tony had known that.

Perhaps Tony had unconsciously tried to fool himself.

Who knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UST, Whomst?
> 
> Fyrirgef mik, Iofðungr min. = I'm sorry, my prince  
> Bregðasek = I failed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Fool’s Play.**

Inevitability.

It was not a word that Tony liked to hear or to think about. Not at all – the word had a cruel, cold, and merciless feeling to it. It sounded _final_ and if there was something Tony didn’t like – then it was finality. All his tinkering around, pondering, planning – in the end it would have been for naught. It was for naught.

After all, he sat here on his cot. His car battery was resting on his lap and Tony simply –

Accepted his fate.

What about it even if it was a bad one?

What mattered was that he knew had done his best, had tried to fight it, and hadn’t just accepted fate as it came. No. And right now? He didn’t regret it.

Once again, he called for Loki.

_Iofðungr mín._

He tried to tempt his prince with the knowledge that he had a way to get him out of his own miserable fate. He promised a way that would hurt none of the people who Loki treasured and held dear. His mother would be safe from any harm. As would be Thor, yet Tony could not stop himself from adding that Thor still would learn humility. There was a warmth to Tony’s thoughts that tickled him from the inside out, that kept his mind alight even when he went back to work. His fingers ran over the hard material of the LRM before he opened the lid without wasting another thought about it.

Routine.

Inevitability.

Loki.

For some reason it was fitting for the god of Trickery. To be inescapable that was. Tony had managed to trick himself into thinking he could do this without Loki; when in the end all he’d done was to devote even more time to Loki. What a great fool Tony Stark was. What delight Loki must have experienced to see Tony, thinking himself to be a genius who had escaped his fate.

It took Loki three days, maybe four, to appear. The relief that crashed through Tony as he saw Loki appear was indescribable. He had wondered whether Loki would still come or if he’d choose to stay on Asgard, far away from him. Tony was glad to learn that his faith hadn’t been misplaced.

“Hello Loki.” He tried to smile but it felt shaky, even to himself. His throat felt tight. “How nice of you to drop by.”

“You spoke of something that can help me.” Loki’s eyes were on him. Green, burning. “Tell me everything you know.”

“That’s going to sound ridiculous, I know that. But –“ Tony shrugged, waved around to point at nothing. All that so he could avoid looking at Loki directly. To give his brain a moment to collect itself. “We’ve met. Before.”

Loki looked sceptical. And honestly, if it were Tony in his place, he wouldn’t behave differently. Not that people hadn’t ever told him that they’d already made their acquaintance earlier but forgot about it. This was not the same thing. “I know that doesn’t sound convincingly.”

Loki’s look was all, _‘You don’t say’?_

“Trust me, I do.” Tony sighed. “But I have a way of stalling Odin’s short nap. _And_ Thor won’t be crowned king either.”

That statement led to an entire new discussion. About that Loki couldn’t trust him just like that, or that he didn’t _know Tony_. For Loki, they were nothing more than strangers. The truth of it hurt. It cut deeply into Tony’s soul because – it wasn’t true for him. He sat there on his cot, wincing, the fingers wound around his car battery like it was the only anchor to reality he had.

“If I’m supposed to trust you, then why won’t you let me see into your mind?” The suggestion was cold. The accusation, it hit a sore spot and Tony couldn’t help his flinch. No chance that he’d let Loki look at his mind at the moment, or _ever_ again –

“Because –“ He squeezed his eyes shut. Took a breath. “You just _can’t,_ okay? Maybe one day. But, not now. Look.” He raised his arms into the air. “What can go wrong? I’m trapped inside of a cave, together with my friend. If you get us out here, I will give you Extremis. You’ll get what you want. And should it tear Odin into pieces, the loop will restart after you’ve taken your vengeance. Sounds good?” He hated how _blasé_ he’d become over the mention of his impending death.

“If you fail, your death won’t be quick.” Loki’s voice took on a nasty tone, featuring an almost casual cruel edge.

It was a reminder of how _different_ Loki was to him.

“You know that death threats are kind of out of style in the 21st century?”

“It’s not a threat. Only a mere assurance of what is going to happen should your cure fail me.” Loki gave him a hand, shook it and so, the deal had been made. Was this what it felt like to sign his own death warrant? Tony grinned at that, holding onto Loki’s hand for a while longer than it was strictly necessary. It was tingling all over and there were small green butterflies dancing in his belly.

That was normal, right? Completely normal, yep.

Soon, the loop went back to its familiar structure. Tony knew _mostly_ what to do. The only difference was that Loki hadn’t read his mind and now, he had to _earn_ Loki’s trust. Step for step. Admittedly, having given him Extremis had helped extremely and that it also helped to put off the Odinsleep certainly spoke in his favour in Loki’s books. But he had to make sure he was worthy of Loki’s time. He wasn’t boring, he kept the Trickster entertained, lured him in enough to make him watch a Disney movie and –

Well the good thing was that Tony’s cause was unique. Loki had never heard before of time resetting only for a single person. Tony gently reminded him that it wasn’t a case of rebirth since they’d gone through that before. Instead, they focused on science they both knew, combined it with Loki’s knowledge and Tony’s experience.

They became friends over the time. _Obviously_. Because what else would they be?

Tony couldn’t help the relief surging through him though when Loki grew less _stiff_ around him. When his words started to flow free again and were less guarded in general. When he took the drink from Tony’s hands without checking if he’d put poison inside of it. Not, that any _Midgardian_ poison would truly kill him, as Loki had explained once. But if it was done right it would put Loki into an uncomfortable situation for several hours, if not days. He rather would avoid that if possible. And it would be a huge breach of trust, but that went without saying.

But despite that all – Loki was genuinely curious. Like a cat did he watch Tony: his head tilted, and a hint of a frown on his face, poking and asking questions relentlessly.

“Why won’t you let me read your mind?” Was one of the most asked ones.

“Why would you need to?” Tony replied as evenly as he could. “There’s nothing in there what I haven’t told to you about. You know everything that’s relevant.”

Often it was enough to make Loki shut up for a while. But – he wouldn’t stop staring. Tony swore he saw the other thinking, heard how numbers fell into place while others stayed right where they were. Loki was trying to solve an equation but he had too many unknown variables. _Yet._

If it continued the way it did, then –

One day Loki would figure it out. Maybe, _again._ Maybe other Lokis had known beforehand and chose to let him live in his ignorance, quietly amused at his foolishness. He wouldn’t put it past Loki. The main issue was that Tony – He was done with pretending. That was what he tried to sell himself.

With Loki being back on the team and the ship fully at work again, he – he took every chance he got to touch Loki. His hands lingered on Loki’s back, fingers casually running through Loki’s hair when he had the chance to do so and he _stared_ back. Why avert the eyes when you could simply choose not to? No more avoiding.

The worst part was that it felt like Loki had never left. Tony was sure he’d simply continued at his point of his _crush_ and then made two big steps forwards, to end up here. The _here_ being not quite clear. So far, he was flirting and as time went by – April – he started to grow bolder.

An understatement. Tony was _completely bananas_ for Loki.

Nonetheless, Tony still took Loki out for shopping trips, made sure they both attended all the important Stark Industry galas Tony couldn’t weasel his way out of. Loki liked to take his arm there or offered his own to him only to whisper the most _decent_ things into his ear. Everyone else probably thought Loki was being naughty. He wasn’t. Pinky promise. Sadly.

There were good memories they created together: Loki telling him that he forgot to turn the iron off and it was now burning through the T-Shirt – a feat that was supposed to be impossible but Tony allowed it because the shirt truly had been ugly. The big hunger for bacon that Tony was asked to make at 3am and he said yes, because why the fuck not.

It was domestic and so easy to fall even more into love with Loki. Tony didn’t complain about it though. He remembered how it felt when he didn’t have Loki with him at all. Rather, he basked in their new closeness and savoured any flirty remarks. Not caring who heard them and who was going to tell the news because –

Tony loved it. The pretence. The chase.

As long as nothing happened.

Even when he dreamt about increasingly about getting up on his toes and pressing his mouth against Loki’s lips. His hands running over Loki’s pale skin, stroking it, grazing it with his fingernails to see what kind of reactions these would draw from the Trickster.

Whenever Tony was about to change into his Iron Man suit or his workshop outfit, he _noticed_ Loki ogling him. The blatant way his eyes rested for a while too long on his muscles, his ass, his legs. On his mouth. Subtlety wasn’t Loki’s strongest suit.

But while Tony didn’t mind the ogling – honestly, he was guilty of that himself – he hoped it wouldn’t go any further than that. He was _weak_. He craved touch. He craved an admission, confession even. That he was not alone in this. But – it wouldn’t do him any good in the long run.

Though Loki still managed it to take him by surprise.

“Don’t you think it is a fool’s play to keep everything to yourself?” Loki looked at him.

“No.” Tony chuckled. “Why would you even want to know everything?”

“Because you’ve met me.” A smile. “We were friends before this. Repeatedly. You know me better than my mother does and that is an accomplishment, Anthony.”

“Well, I’m cheating while she played by the rules, so.” He grinned at Loki, trying not to panic a little inwardly. Not now. “I’ve got all of you to myself for quite a while.”

“And therein lies the issue.”

_“What?”_

Loki nodded, a sombre look crossing over his face. He took the screwdriver out of Tony’s hands, put it on the table with a soft noise. “Let us talk,” he decided and his tone broke no argument. “You know me. You _remember_ me while I don’t.”

“Yes.”

“You don’t want to show me your memories which leads me to the conclusion that there is something you don’t want _me_ to see.” Loki hummed slowly. “I’ve been at your side as your consultant, your PR, your _friend,_ for months now. I endure your ridiculous Midgardian customs, adapt to the rules your society demands and don’t set anything on fire even though the temptation is great.”

“Oh. Do you want a reward for your self-restraint?”

“In fact, I do.” Loki turned around to him. Tony had to swallow at the intensity in Loki’s green eyes, the flaring inside of them. “Tell me what happened between us. Not what we did for your dilemma. I want to hear what _we_ did. How did we become friends? What did we do? Were we ever –“

“ _No.”_

“So, there is something you don’t wish for me to see.” Loki nodded, his expression clearing. A glint Tony didn’t trust appeared in his eyes. “Or for me to _understand_. Am I correct?”

Tony stared. Didn’t dare to breath or to blink. Preferred to think of himself as an opossum playing dead than to admit where this was heading.

“I don’t think anything ever happened between yourself and my other mes,” Loki continued, his voice light as if he was talking about the weather. And Tony felt like he was being ripped apart right here. His heart was beating. “You would behave differently, wouldn’t you? Maybe we wouldn’t even be here. Instead you would hide away and attempt to solve this on –“

“And you would know all about this, wouldn’t you?” Tony grit out. He drew himself up straight. Crossed his arms in front of himself.

“How could I since I seem to know _nothing_?”

The acerbity in the statement threw Tony off. Loki looked – _sad._ That was perhaps the most unexpected thing to this all. Loki being sad happened rarely. He was angry, he was mischievous, he was playful. He was neutral and polite, sassy all the time. But sad? It did something to Tony on the inside. Perhaps it killed him a small little bit to see his friend so hurt – by him.

He hadn’t meant to _pain him_. As if him not acting on everything wasn’t enough already. Even his silence seemed to be able of offending the one person he devoted most of his time and thoughts to. The last thing he wanted had been to _hurt Loki_. But of course, Tony would manage to do just that. Because what else was he capable of nowadays?

“Anthony.” The sound of his name made him look up. Loki’s hands came up to cradle his face. Tony let it happen, his mind going blissfully silent. _Yes._ “Don’t lock me out of your life.”

“I’m not.” The protest was silent but firm. Tony didn’t _lock Loki out._ “Loki, I’m _not_. Despite what you think and are putting together for yourself. The last thing I want is to –“

“I know. You don’t want to, and that isn’t the problem, Anthony. The issue still stands that you _are_ doing it, no matter if you intend it so or not. It is how I perceive it. And it breaks my heart that –“

_“Loki–“_

“No.” Loki was so close, so damn and utterly close, temptingly so. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’d _nev_ –“

Loki shut him up by kissing him.

It was so damn cliché, to interrupt him by doing that. It was how it went in the movies, in books before a confession was spelled that would ruin the others or a declaration of love fully spelled out. A mere brush of lips, soft and cool.

In no way at all was it anything exciting and yet –Tony felt like flying. His eyes fluttered shut without thinking as he responded to the kiss with ease. Loki tasted of salt, a hint of the herbal tea he’d been drinking earlier. Tony smiled at that, opening his mouth to Loki’s tongue.

His mind felt so empty, blissfully so, and his heart was just racing in odd beats as he let Loki take control over the kiss, took what he got and responded in kind. _Finally_. He’d been waiting for this, had anticipated it, the curiosity almost killing him. But it had been worth the wait – with how Loki kissed him, Tony was sure he could simply die on the spot and forget all that mattered. It would be worth it, thousand times over and he pulled at him – needed him to be closer.

He had to feel Loki pressed against him, the firm muscles beneath his shirt all but distracting. He hoped that Loki would _understand_ what he was feeling, even if he couldn’t say it. His fingers clenched around the shirt. Heard Loki gasp quietly at the pain but –

The rush of adrenaline, the need for this kiss to continue –

It was fading.

Because –

He drew away, regret and yet, feeling none of it at the same time.

“I can’t do this.” His hands were still balled into fists, still clutching Loki as if afraid he was going to run away. “This –“

“Why _not?_ ”

“Because if we reset, I’m the one who will remember.” Tony smiled. It felt as shaken as he was, literally torn apart by what was offered to him here. In front of him like dreams coming true and he couldn’t – he couldn’t give in and take it. “I’m the one who then got a taste of what it would be like to be with you. And you won’t remember.”

“But if you tell me –“

“Then he will still not be _you_ as who you are right now.” The bitterness was making him cry. The injustice he had to deal with – his fingers started to tremble. Just, a tiny little bit. “I’ll be the one who remembers how it was. You will have to learn. Fall in love with me, all over again and fight with the expectations that I have or you think that I have.”

Understanding was dawning on Loki as he grew pale and Tony felt like it was getting colder around them.

“It wouldn’t be fair of me to expect anything from you.” He hated how rational he sounded. How final his words rang in the space between them that could be closed so easily. “And I need to focus on getting out of this first, Loki. I can’t allow myself to be –“

“Distracted.” He sounded lost.

“Yeah.”

He found understanding in Loki’s eyes. The touch of his hands against Tony’s, pressing him in closer. And he was sure they should be talking more about this. That obviously both had fallen into a rabbit hole and the rope out there would only be strong enough for one of them. And this time Tony would make sure that it wasn’t Loki who would fall. Not this time.

Not when he could prevent it. Spare him the heartbreak.

He still saw the silent tears in Loki’s eyes, running down his cheeks as Tony wished him eventually a good night. It would a lie to say that Loki hadn’t known what was going to happen. Not, when his hands lingered on Tony’s shoulder longer than usual, his voice soft and barely blinking.

Perhaps Tony was all over egoistical again. Maybe should give them more time. To explore. To know how that what he couldn’t have, could be.

Though he knew that in the end, he’d only ruin himself more than he already was and bring Loki down with him.

For one Tony was glad for medicine. He simply could close his eyes and let it happen, thinking about how Loki kissed. The tenderness of it.

**Loser’s Game.**

If the earlier loops had felt like a walk through hell, then the ache Tony experienced now was – at least Dante’s level of hell. Because – _everything hurt._ Tony missed Loki more than ever. Even when he had his friend by his side.

For some reason it was now easier to play he did _not_ have a crush on his friend, that he didn’t want to kiss him. Like he didn’t miss the taste of him or the sound of his dark laughter bellowing in the mansion.

Because Tony could do _professional relationships._ It was how he’d kept his distance to Pepper. Smiled and answered her when they talked, but – the main goal in their talks were always the company.

The talks with Loki were about the loops and the state of the Nine Realms in Thor’s hands. They were not _not-friends_ but they weren’t _real friends_ either. Something in between. Acquaintances, perhaps. Hesitant. Slow. Careful. Assessed the situations with a speculating eye before words got uttered that might have led to regret later. Loki _did_ ask about the memories. But Tony told him that it wouldn’t do anyone any favours. That it would ultimately only help to end the loops faster. Loki looked taken aback at that. Maybe he was trying to see if Tony was lying but at the core, Tony’s statement wasn’t _wrong_. So far the loops hadn’t been _successful_ when he showed his memories to Loki. No lies to be found there.

Loki accepted it and Tony swore he saw his Trickster’s heart harden against him. They became cooler after that with each other. _Extremely professional._

It was a relationship that Tony didn’t want. Even if it was for the better. Though it also meant he was tearing himself apart as well. Because _fuck_ –

Loki not laughing anymore at his jokes was a stab aimed at his heart. Loki who looked at him with suspicion almost killed him.

Tony had to bite on his tongue not to start _flirting_ because starting that nonsense would only lead to further harm. No _bonding._ No movie nights with Four Lokos in their hands and legs slang carelessly over the couch, over each other and the _cuddling._

No more. Not for Tony. Not for Loki either but he had the advantage of not knowing about these things first-hand.

He couldn’t even say how he survived this loop. He hated it with all his heart and not rarely did his eyes stray to an object in the room he was in, that could help him to end this.

Not having Loki with him made him feel alone.

Having Loki who was not _his Loki_ made him feel like a stranger in his own life.

He noticed it when a joke slipped from his tongue as they were wreaking their brains for a temporary solution and Loki didn’t – he didn’t do _anything._ And that hurt. He used to get eye rolls for his efforts at least.

 _Nothing_.

An end to this would be preferable.

No Loki would – be kinder.

And Tony thought, hoped, that he deserved some kindness in his life.

**The Stakes.**

“Hallelujah!” He mumbled bitterly. His eyes felt heavy. Yinsen looked at him in worry but Tony –

He would call Loki only to get him his Extremis. Then shove him out of his life again. Some Loki would be better than no Loki at all and that was better than the most recent Loki. He couldn’t deal with him any other way anymore. Not for as long as Tony _wanted Loki_.

He had to battle time, had to battle his heart, and had to fight as Iron Man, all at the same time. And perhaps, a limit to the sky had been found now. Perhaps were two big conflicts stressful enough for not wanting to engage any further than necessary.

In short, Tony Stark was getting old.

The time flew by, a rush in madness until he had Extremis in his hands. And Loki? He looked so fucking perfect as he stood there. The black hair slicked back and giving him his royal air, the jacket on him that simply – _yes._ As young and youthful as ever.

Tony felt like crying when he looked at him. Crying out of need, anger, want and loneliness. But he didn’t because _he_ had _chosen this._

_Tony Stark first. But maybe this would be enough to get Loki out of trouble._

The chance that this guess was correct, was so slim that Tony preferred not wasting his breath on it. He was good enough at maths to do a rough estimation. As mentioned, it was better not to dwell on it. And why would he?

He was giving Loki the phial with Extremis inside of it. His hands were touching Loki’s, the unexpected coldness that explained to Tony so much but probably would riddle Loki for the rest of his life or until he met another Jotunn. He wished he could have helped him. That he could do anything, even if it only was to give him a hug and tell him that he believed in him. That he was a great friend to Tony. One of the bests he had the pleasure of meeting in his entire life.

That Loki was so much more than the monster he would one day believe himself to be.

Alas, pipe dreams wouldn’t get anyone anywhere. Not anymore.

Loki left with a nod, a sincere _‘thanks’_ on his lips and was gone. Just like that.

Tony remembered times where he’d been chasing after Loki. Played tag with him in the air and let himself be blown up –

He’d done that, right? Or was he simply hallucinating that fact?

He couldn’t even tell anymore at this point. That was beyond terrifying. But eh, nothing new at this point, was it? How much Tony loved it when he could talk to himself in his own head and tell himself off. And all that. Lovely. Yes.

The loop ended three weeks later. Tony hadn’t done a lot. But. Yeah. You know.

**Russian Roulette.**

Truth to be told, he was overreacting, wasn’t he? Tony frowned as he stopped in the middle of his task. The helmet of his first _what-did-he-know_ Iron Man helmet laid on the anvil and stared at him with its empty eyes. He was overreacting. He was _not_ in love with Loki. He was just desperate. In the need for someone to share his burden with who didn’t judge him and helped him out where no one else would and could. Yinsen could probably try to flirt with him and Tony would take him up on that with immense delight.

For a moment he tried to picture it, his eyes resting on his fellow captive. Yinsen was deeply focused on his work. Pearls of sweat were forming on his forehead, his brows pinched together. _Focused. Concentrated_. How it would be with him?

Somehow it didn’t work. His mind kept switching back to Loki.

Hadn’t Tony promised to himself he would stop lying? Perhaps he was overreacting. But it would be all right, he just stopped hanging out with Loki again for a while, get his head under control. He’d do his best. Get the loops done.

_Finished._

Tony went on with his work and continued with the loops. He dived straight back into the world of creating suits, destroying the Ten Rings, and spent more time with his friends, all in the long search for a good distraction. Had a talk about hearts being broken and glared at Natasha when she managed to upset Pepper, his tone sweet and just a hint of cruelty in it when he told her to fix that. He didn’t fucking care what it would cost to get her out of SHIELD but Pepper didn’t take treason lightly or being exploited for observation.

He couldn’t say if Natasha had done it in this extent before. But the sight of Pepper staring at the documents in front of her lifelessly and asking JARVIS to level up his security managements against espionage and better observation, it cut him deep because –

Fucking hell, he just didn’t want to see her in the spot he was trapped in.

The good thing about this was though that he found the distraction he so desperately needed. Took Pepper out for a round of insanely coloured cocktails, managed it to convince the barkeeper that _Four Loko_ would taste fantastically with a bit of cream and green colouring. Because Tony was a masochist and Pepper couldn’t suffer alone on her own, could she?

She kissed him. Had he ever kissed her before? Her lips tasted of Malibu, her hair of coconut, and –

A long time ago Tony would have pressed back into the kiss. Responded eagerly and tried to make her forget about her troubles. But that was a different Tony, one he wasn’t any longer. Gently, he pushed her away and she stared at him with wide eyes.

“Why –“

“I’m not the one you want, Pepper.” He tipped her chin upward. “And just because there’s trouble in paradise does that not mean you should do that to her.”

She nodded, tears were building up in her eyes. That was the sign that this evening was over and he carefully led her back to his car, drove her home and made sure that she laid comfortably inside her bed. He put an empty bucket next to her on the ground in case that she needed to vomit.

When she finally was asleep, he called Natasha. “She’s going to have a hungover tomorrow.”

“Oh, did you manage to fill her up?” The spy’s voice was cold like a winter.

“No. She just had a lot of cocktails and stress and heartbreak and all of that in one single go.” He rolled his eyes. “Get your ass to Pepper’s apartment, I’ll wait here for you.”

“See you in a few.”

Was it weird to bond over someone they both liked and wanted? Just, in Tony’s case, used to want. Probably, yes. What did he know, not like this had ever happened before? Which was _weird_ an absolutely enjoyable at the same time. Natasha arrived soon, as she’d said and took over. Tony left her, knowing that Pepper was in safe hands, hoping they both would resolve their crisis.

And him? He walked into the guest bedroom that was _Loki’s_ and fell asleep on the bed there. If someone searched for him now, they’d only find him at his most pathetic. What wouldn’t he give to bury himself in Loki’s arms, have someone who dragged him around the house and into the workshop when his mood went sour.

Tony couldn’t do it himself, he felt –

 _Tired._ Drained. Despite the new day he just had, it was – mentally exhausting and he still wasn’t over Loki, missing him perhaps even more than before. _His friend_. They could have had so many things – could have a relationship for as long as a loop lasted, and Tony would simply –

Go back and then start again. Find Loki and fall in love with him over and over, until one day he’d find a solution.

He didn’t want to go back outside anymore, only put the blanket over himself as he curled up beneath it. It smelled of soap and a hint of roses from the washing process. Not the exact smell _he_ wanted but it had to suffice. It had to.

Because he had to fight back against the darkness inside of his mind alone, had to take care he wouldn’t steer too far off to a side. He wasn’t sure if he’d survive it, the loneliness even when he wasn’t _alone_ but –

He had to survive. He had the duty to pull his act together and get to it. His limbs might feel tired and his body heavy. His desire to do anything was running so low that it put everything else to shame. But it was no excuse – not when work was waiting for him and laziness wouldn’t do anything. _Only add to his heartbreak_. He missed the feel of Loki’s arm around him, the memory of their kiss together tender. It became muddled solely because of how much Tony missed him. He _missed him_ with every fibre of his being and he was _dramatic_ , fucking _dramatic_ and Jarvis would have his hide were he still here.

He shivered beneath the blanket, asked JARVIS to turn the heat up. It had nothing to do with the temperature, the shivers. Only a fool would believe him but JARVIS was his friend and didn’t ask – this time – only did as he was asked to do. The guest room turned warm, cosying up with him, shooing the coldness away.

The worst thing that could happen to him.

But the warmth lulled him in, his eyes falling shut on their own accord and sleep overtook him.

**Monopoly.**

The air was cold. Tony sat up with a gasp, looked around with terror filled eyes. _He was back in the cave._ Why, he didn’t know but – the cold air was seeping through his clothes, the car battery humming unkindly in his lap.

“ _No,”_ he whispered, fear striking him. “No, no no –“ But he could shake his head all the wanted, the cave didn’t disappear all of sudden and the yellow light seemed like a mockery to his eyes.

“Stark–“

“ _No!”_ Tony turned around to Yinsen. He felt the tears in his eyes, anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach. He was shivering, he realised. Shivering. He felt cold. _No_. He didn’t understand why he was back here, why the loop had already reset. _It didn’t make any sense._

But while Tony wished to know, so desperately – he was fighting for breath. It was not enough of it in his lungs. A hand was touching his back, gentle, and Tony just –

Felt himself break down even more, ugly sobs shook him and tears, _tears_ –

They never seemed to end. It wasn’t only that he was back in the cave. Everything, to sum it up; the stress and the pressure Tony had been going through, all that what had been left unsaid – would forever _be_ unsaid because he couldn’t go back and people did not remember the slights he’d committed against them. He had to make it up with his own conscience and he just –

Didn’t think he was strong enough for that. Had only his thoughts, a _how it could be_ and an attempt of doing it better next time. Nothing would be _perfect_ , his life a cluster of failure and small victories and –

“We have to go to back to work.” His voice felt tired. His head _numb_ , and Yinsen could be at the other end of the cave, that was how much he felt disconnected from his surroundings. He got up, walked the few steps to his task and – continued with where he’d left off yesterday, all those thousands of loops ago.

Tony couldn’t remember how he made it out of the cave. He was simply exhausted, his movements sluggish and –

When he finally got to ask Rhodey how long it’s been – _thirteen weeks._ Tony only experienced shock upon hearing that – oh yes, he knew he’d lost time in the cave this time. Had bathed more regularly too but – _thirteen weeks?_ It had been ages since he took so long to get out of there. He looked at the scraps of his Iron Man suit, the metal glinting cold in the sun, gleaming brightly. He’d gotten out of the cave. That was what counted. Now just – to continue.

Step for step.

He would carry on no matter if it felt like his boots were filled to the brim with vibranium.

His muscles were sore, his energy low. Even the spirit in his bar was running empty and JARVIS subtly sent him invitations to group meetings with alcohol problems. But Tony wouldn’t go there, no less read the messages. With a simple stroke they were gone from his phone, maybe the occasional reminder from Pepper to sign certain documents as well.

Why the fuck would he stop drinking if that was one of the only things left that kept him running? It gave him the focus he needed when coffee didn’t do the trick anymore, when his focus went to shit, it was on everything _but_ on what he needed it. News were flashing by on the blue screens, reports of the mysterious ‘Iron Man’ and all Tony looked forward to was the conference where he’d confess he was a superhero. No matter how unimpressed Christine Everheart would look.

A silver lining on the horizon, only a couple more days and then the Ten Rings were destroyed. Obadiah’s network of spies and criminals almost hunted down entirely. A small matter of personal revenge Tony took the greatest pleasure in doing.

And yet – he’d been out of the cave too late, _too late_ and Fury was onto him. Tony felt like he’d barely gotten a chance to recover, to work out his next best suit when there were already calls waiting for him. JARVIS couldn’t track them (yet) but Tony was certain it was SHIELD.

He joined the Avengers a week later, pretended not to care when Natasha was sent in again to have an eye on him. Pepper became the next CEO, fell weirdly in love with the assassin all over again. Tony wished for nothing more than to rip out his eyes when he saw them smiling at each other, tenderness in their glances as they lingered around, hands staying in contact for too long.

 _He wanted it too._ He craved his own Trickster and – he was thinking of him again. He shut the thoughts down, stared at the documents on his table. _Stark Industries something noise weapon manufacturing is going to be shut down, in two he needed coffee, he really needed coffee, oh hey Rhodey finally called again Stark Industries is pleased to Pepper was sending him messages to hurry up Signed._

Focus was his friend.

He buried his head in his hands with a loud groan, a bitter wish to be released from this special form of hell. Why did he have to be here when he could be _out there_ and he still – still had to figure out the loops and get the fuck out of it. Had to find X and solve the science that broke his brain. If only to knit his brain back together and have it less of a grey-white fluid inside of his head. Sometimes he swore he felt it sloshing around – forgetting it was supposed to be solid and functioning.

His neck hurt, his fingers trembled, and his head was pounding.

“J, drop the needle, would you?”

Music filled the room and Tony stared at the place where he’d put his pen. It fucking wasn’t there anymore. Like a mad man he searched for the pen, under the table, in his pockets, on his seat. But it didn’t turn up again. Traitor. _Traitor_.

Tony felt like he was running against the time, and –

The fucking pen was behind his ears. _Fucking bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, ever fucking thing._

Pepper called. “Tony, did you sigh the documents already?”

“Yes.” He signed them. “Just now.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, I assure you.”

He ended the call. Perhaps she wanted to say something but Tony didn’t feel like _talking_ to her. It just drove the point home what she had and he – didn’t. Fucking hell.

He searched for oblivion in the bottle.

**Chess.**

One day he’d understand what made the loops tick. Understand it and eat it as dessert as his reward. With a happy smile on his face and a mug of coffee in his other hand while he feasted. By some sheer luck he wouldn’t sit alone at the winner table then but have someone with him. Who understood what it meant to come out on top.

It was depressing how much it boosted Tony into action, and stress was even another hell of a motivator. The sadness from earlier – it seemed to be all gone and that while Tony still remembered the feeling of his blankets atop his body, remembered Dum-E who dropped the red cloth atop him. _His sweet bots_. The loop only had gotten shorter again.

He wasn’t managing it to even get to June 2nd. Not that Tony _minded overly_. It meant he didn’t have to face someone instead could hide away behind his Iron Man mask. One might call it cowardly, Tony called it ‘tried, tested, new strategy’.

Nothing stopped him, for a while. He hammered away, worked out his frustration in the yellow light. Only at night when he was supposed to catch a break, he felt himself turn from one side to the other, desperately muffling his cries into the pillow he’d been provided. His tears wetting the fabric, clinging to his eyelashes and blurred his sight all the more.

When Pepper hugged him, at the airport, Tony had to swallow. Once, Twice. A third time until he could croak out that there was a mole in the company. After that he hid his face in her neck, breathed in a moment, two – straightened his back and sauntered with Pepper towards the exit where Happy waited with the car. He was smiling. He ate a cheeseburger. Had his conference. Watched as the chaos erupted and found some small comfort in it.

Then he carried on, his head high, hair on fleek, the goatee once more groomed into shape. Tony Stark was back and the board of the company feared him. It was a nice change. Fury told him to get off his high horse and join SHIELD but they couldn’t afford one Tony Stark, could they? It was so _tempting_ to say, ‘No’. Just _no_ and leave, not giving a fuck any longer.

To be Tony Stark, the loner. The man behind the mask.

He didn’t understand why he still craved to see the bottom of his bottles, when his life seemed to be running so well. When he didn’t think of a certain someone and signed documents he couldn’t read. He needed more coffee, more _coffee_ , more noise around him, everything –

It was _May_ , fucking May and he was still here. He just wanted to experience November again, would that be too much to ask for? And his doomsday crept closer, he noticed with each time he woke up and JARVIS told him the weather forecast for today. _Soon_.

He tried Extremis because why the fuck not, accidentally burned a wall down from his house. Dum-E and YOU were less than amused because his frisbee had been sitting on the shelf there. Tony had to promise he was going to get them a new and _better_ one instead. Within the hour. Because until then Dum-E would make a horrible smoothie after the other and poured it over his cars.

Who said bots couldn’t be nasty? Perhaps Tony was a bad influence, craving revenge so much that his bots took after him. The thought made him laugh. It was sharp, full of bitter disappointment. He fucking even couldn’t do right by his bots.

Coulson didn’t appear. Coulson straight up _didn’t come to get him._ It threw Tony as he waited on his couch, fiddled with designs for the next Iron Man suit but – the day went by and there was no Coulson. And okay, perhaps his reaction was _too much_. However the fact that he’d been _not invited to play,_ stung. 

_SHIELD was nothing more than a bunch of two-faced traitors._

His stomach lurched and he raised the hand with the gauntlet. Fucking bullshit.

**Battleship.**

Tony felt irritated. Extremely. He snapped at Yinsen because the fuck did he care where Yinsen put the hood of the missile? As far away as possible, if he so pleased. And his biting remarks didn’t seem to stop. Where at first Yinsen pitied him but didn’t take his shit, he soon stopped entirely talking to him. They only talked if it was because of the missile, the suit or something else work related. And as they forced Yinsen to the ground, the glowing iron to his tongue –

For a moment Tony felt the temptation not to say anything. If it was only to see someone else than him _suffer_ because he was getting sick of being the only one who got this special treatment. However, he was an asshole but one with _some heart_ okay? He defended Yinsen, said, that he needed him as his partner.

Yinsen looked at him with something akin to respect, a glimmer of _something_ in his eyes that Tony couldn’t interpret but – he fucking didn’t care. Nobody cared about his dilemma either and _okay, that was unfair_ , he realised that. Nonetheless it didn’t take the bite from the truth, did it? He said no, so it was so.

 _No liars here_ , he decided grimly. _None._

He grew irrationally angry at Loki for not being here. Maybe even started to hate him, just a bit because _fuck he was here alone._ The worst part about all this was that he _knew_ he was unfair. That he took out his frustration on everybody else, on people who didn’t deserve it.

He bought Pepper a giant teddy bear when he almost made her cry, brought her a bouquet to work and rambled something about the arc reactor he wanted to see all over the world. She blamed it on the PTSD which he supposedly had. It almost made him blow up again.

Perhaps he just wasn’t the man for being _sweet._

He was a selfish asshole and when Yinsen left, without another word as soon as he had done his service in the hearing, Tony pretended not to care. Only that it was obvious to everyone who knew, they all _realised_ that he did in fact, _care_. Because Yinsen could go suddenly to any university he wished to teach at, and a Labrador found a way into his arms because –

Yeah to be honest, Tony didn’t know why he thought a puppy would be _that gift_ for Yinsen. Though it turned out the man loved the whining and overly excited dog.

Fury didn’t even ask him to become an Avenger. He simply strode into Tony’s mansion as one pleased, called him a selfish dumbass of a motherfucker – _yes, he did that_. Then told him Iron Man would operate with SHIELD as a _partner_.

And yeah. Tony realised that this was the point where the loop went _horribly wrong_ , much to his surprise (not).

And the loop went into a direction he didn’t like. The Ten Rings weren’t _destroyed_ like they should. Instead, he was sent onto missions he couldn’t refuse because Pepper _knew_. She fucking _knew_ and agreed that working with SHIELD would do wonders for him. And here he was, aboard of a HYDRA ship, getting codes while Natasha made sure he wasn’t bothered _overly_. It was – wrong.

Just so wrong. He didn’t like it. It made him feel anxious.

SHIELD’s missions were fallaciously _difficult_ but that was only up to the point Tony told them with a straight face, “Hail Hydra” and shot a SHIELD agent. Natasha’s face became carefully blank at that point, let Tony take her as prisoner without any complaint, her nose bleeding, an eye beaten blue. She knew something was happening but she left it to him to clean the mess up. He let himself be led into a room with _computers_ , fiddled a bit around, crooned over HYDRA’s play in the shadows, made sure that Natasha heard every single word.

Made sure she saw the bug put beneath a table and another one got set up at the control. She called him a traitor, a slut. She was angry, a vein pulsing on her forehead and she descended into Russian and Tony cringed at some words. But the HYDRA agents were happy, impressed even with him as he backhanded her.

 _Pepper would make him pay for that_.

If she even still would talk to him, after all this. Because he made sure to stay on board as Natasha escaped, the bugs in her hands, giving her an opening to kick him against his head. She knew where it would hurt the most so he counted it as a win.

When Tony came to himself again he was in a mansion on an island, bereft of all technical devices, in the midst of HYDRA.

He played the role of a HYDRA agent for about a month, felt himself be twisted into something that scared him. But he got what he needed, got all names, got all the _names of names of names_ and the name from Strucker’s neighbours, even the one from his cat. One never knew what it could be useful for.

Miraculously it did take his mind off other things. But –

When he came home, in April – he was completely exhausted. Natasha told him that he’d done well, all Tony wanted was – to never be fucking bothered again. To just keep out of trouble. Only wanted to get drunk.

He still felt the blood on his hands, still saw the shocked face of that one SHIELD agent as he shot him, straight into the gut where it would hurt the most. Another shot, the heart this time. It needed to be done. And yet –

Rhodey understood why he’d done what needed to be done.

Stark Industries didn’t.

Pepper looked at him as if he was a stranger.

Natasha shared with him her vodka. They drank together until the sun was rising again, their heads resting against each other and the Ten Rings were up and about, wreaking havoc somewhere. The bases by now for sure left and changed because _Iron Man_ was after them. Maybe.

People didn’t even remember Iron Man anymore.

Yinsen’s dog got run over by a car.

It wasn’t even May yet.

**Risk.**

Tony didn’t tell anyone that he was Iron Man. He told them that he was the technician, the genius behind the suit of titanium-alloy and they all believed it. _Who is Iron Man?_ Got thrown around and more questions regarding the safety of the US with a mad man on the loose but –

Tony didn’t want to go back to where SHIELD had put him. He couldn’t. Iron Man was someone the people would forever wonder, wouldn’t try to tackle it on him when a mission went wrong. Yet – it wasn’t right either what was going on. SHIELD kept a tighter leash on him than ever before, sent him to a few selected missions. The Ten Rings were localised, taken out of business.

Tony couldn’t trust them to really have done that. HYDRA would see no need in destroying people who’d make a wonderful ally and –

If they had taken hold of Tony Stark successfully –

Didn’t that mean they could do so again and the same went for Iron Man?

Tony found himself on the run from people he _didn’t know_. Someone from Latveria who wanted his brain, his _mind_ and offered a surprisingly good pay check. Unlike SHIELD, that was for sure. Though Tony still couldn’t accept, especially not when he was held up in the air by what seemed to be tentacles made of steel. He’d understood his situation was precarious.

That this was dangerous.

He was eternally grateful when the electroshocks gave him the rest.

**Scrabble.**

When he woke up it felt like a dream ending. Admittedly, a nightmarish one but – same sentiment. And Tony felt nothing but calmness rushing through him, slow and sugar sweet. A breath of air, precious _sticky air_ , his body whole and unharmed. The car battery was thrumming, and he closed his eyes again. _He was okay._

 _He wasn’t with Doom anymore. He wasn’t with HYDRA either. There were no dead SHIELD agents because of him._ Everything was fine. The pillow under his head felt wonderful, the blanket soft despite its usual coarsy thinness. It smelled of cheap washing powder and Yinsen didn’t hate him. Solely experienced his nightmares like the good man that he was.

He breathed in again. Moved his limbs only slowly, hesitantly too as he reached for his face. Wanted to make sure there was no blood on it. No sand. No electroshocks running over it, no exploded eye either. Slowly. Carefully.

Breath.

Hunger.

He drank the tea without complaint, glad for the _simplicity_ of his captivity. Yinsen looked at him worriedly as they worked on their tasks but Tony kept on doing what he did. His mind was calm. He felt wonderfully _free_ even when tired in the same breath. Precisely working. Easy manual creating. Solving problems after X. Get to the core of the problem.

So much easier than whatever he’d done before. Simple. Not bloody. Not gruesome. Just, pressured into work but this was better.

He started to believe it himself. Found himself seriously happy for when they didn’t stray from protocol. When they followed the plan. At least some people he could still rely on and while he hated the Ten Rings, each and every fucking single one of them and wouldn’t shed a tear at their death – he found himself grateful for what they did. Giving him a break. A schedule he could stick to. A, B, C, D. Not A, C, D, G. Simple.

His mind was there when he burned them all to the ground, grabbed Yinsen and went for their escape. Rhodey felt like home. Pepper like his harbour. He hid in his home. Only went out in his suit to save Gulmira. Took down a few bases.

But he couldn’t do more.

He wanted –

 _Peace._ Was that too much to ask for? The obvious answer would be a strong and resolute, ‘yes’. Tony hated how certain he was of that fact.

He purely relished in the bit of peace he got, collected his strength. Took some medicine. Slept. Tinkered around. Became – _someone_. Who wasn’t necessarily Tony Stark. Or Iron Man. He turned into someone else for a while and enjoyed it.

 _Rest_.

**Guess Who?**

With the next loop, Tony felt calmer. Recuperated in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time, as if there was energy in him. It was simmering on a small flame - but it was _more_ than Tony had gotten recently. He drank his tea, cut a grimace at the abhorrent taste before he went back to work. The days of remonstrating against the loops weren’t forgotten, all the pain he’d endured not for naught.

He worked quietly, only throwing in a joke when he noticed how his thoughts turned dark and abhorrent. It brightened his mood not _immediately_ – but it helped when he saw Yinsen crack a smile on the haggard face. He got this. He knew that.

Tony went to bed when the day had expired its use and the yellow lights turned brighter as the fire died down. It was tiring to see but Tony rolled no his side, the arc reactor buzzing quietly in his chest. It glowed in a dulled blue on the wall in front of him, the cold stone appearing almost slime and foul in its shine. Tony closed his eyes after looking at it for a while, his thoughts circling around nothing. He was _empty_ inside of his brain and it felt like a spot of heaven, found in the darkest pit of hell.

On the next day he went back to work; again, quietly and making sure his work was impeccable, enjoyed the simple process of creating. The wrench’s handle was already battled but it felt familiar in his hands, the light weight in the gloves and the smell of fire, iron, all around him. It was a bit like coming home, only in fire and ember.

He didn’t have as much time as he wanted to have, he knew he had to get out of the cave with Yinsen and try not to fuck up the timeline too much. It would be all right though. After this he would continue to do his best with the loops. Perhaps all he had to do was to accept that science wouldn’t bring him far. That there was only trial and error, seldom success.

Bedtime was announced by a heavy banging against the door that separated them from the soldiers. Angry shouting in Dari. The lights got turned up just a bit, not enough to bother them when they went to bed – although it still _was_ bright but he could close his eyes. Sleep for a bit, get the pounding of his head to stop. Without further trouble Tony slipped into sleep.

They got out of the cave a few weeks later; it simply took his time without having a magician ready and on their side. Tony felt the strain of being back into the real world severely. Headaches started to build up increasingly and he came to miss the – yeah. Easier times. He dealt with the Ten Rings quietly, almost not fully _there_ as he did it.

It was extremely automatically, and his arms rose on their own. He saw but did not _feel_ what was going on. Just a passenger on a train, seeing everything speed by in a rapid speed. Tony couldn’t even say when he’d gotten into his suit or if that was by now merely another automatic movement.

Four Loko tasted strangely pleasant, a wonderful sharp mixture of caffeine and alcohol. His mind snapped back, the can cold in his hands, the couch soft beneath him. The TV was playing, weather newscast. It was going to be a warm night, not even cloudy. He could look at the moon then, like a lovesick fool.

His thoughts strayed back to Loki. A mere brush of what could have been, would be, might be. A sigh escaped him and he had a sudden craving for popcorn. Not salted.

Eventually he retired when not even ‘Die Hard’ could capture his interest anymore. Even when he was at part two or three, maybe just part one again because he wasn’t really paying that much attention. It helped only to divert his thoughts a bit and not to feel as lonely as he did while he ate and sipped on his Four Loko, wallowing in memories about Loki.

“ _Mortal!”_

Tony woke up with a shriek, hair sticking to his forehead drenched in sweat.

“What –“

He froze. “Loki?”

 _Loki_ stood there, frowning. Loki. The one man he would have never thought he’d see again. His heart started to beat and Tony pinched himself, not daring to believe that what he saw was _real._ And yet – he felt the pinch, viciously burning in his arm and his jaw dropped open.

“So you do know me.” Loki tilted his head. “You called for me but I wasn’t sure as when I arrived you were asleep.”

“I didn’t call you–“

“Are you calling me a liar?” Loki turned angry.

“No, _no_.” Tony quickly assured him. He rubbed his eyes, yawned. “I was asleep. I didn’t _call_ you, I was busy –“ He stopped in the middle of the sentence. “Is it possible for me to have called you while I slept?”

Loki nodded harshly. “Which begs the question who you are that you dream that intensely of me.”

“Tony Stark.” He gave a shrug, straightened his back. “We’ve met before.”

“We haven’t.”

“We have.” Tony smiled. He’d decided, hadn’t he? “Read my mind,” he suggested, no hesitance to be found in his words.

“Why –“

“Because you won’t believe me if I tell you.” Tony chuckled. “Honestly, it’s a wild story, Loki.”

Loki was _not_ that against taking a look at Tony’s mind. And when his fingers touched Tony’s temple – he relaxed into the hold. He knew of the risk he was taking. That Loki would _find out_ , see what was going on inside of Tony –

But he didn’t mind. Not as much as he had in the beginning because _fucking hell,_ he thought he would never see Loki again. And if this was going to fail? Then he had tried. Loki was as gentle as always as he looked around in Tony’s memories. He felt Loki in front of him, the scent of lemon and vanilla surrounding him. _It was so good_ – Tony didn’t want it to end, not now, not _ever_ if he had anything to say about that.

Loki was _here_ , he was fucking _here_ with Tony. He felt himself tear up when Loki pulled away, understanding written all over his face. _He fucking knew_.

“You were right, it is indeed a wild ride.” Loki shook his head. “A wonder that you’re still here, Anthony.” The name rolled off his tongue like it was a sweet, delicious to taste. Tony nodded, closed his eyes, trying not to start bawling right in front of his friend. But –

“Thank you for showing me.” Loki sat down on the bed next to him, still unbelievably calm and – he wasn’t calling Tony out on his feelings. _Still talked to him, didn’t leave him here alone, didn’t abandon him._ Perhaps life was going to be nice to him for once, would let him have something nice for a limited amount of time. But Tony would take it –

Now that he knew that Loki _was still his friend._

“Anthony–“

That was all that it took. Loki sitting next to him, understanding him, _not leaving him_ –

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been crying so hard, couldn’t recall either when it had been the last time someone _let_ him do that without making him feel like he should stop. Loki only pulled him against his chest, let him _hide_ away.

“All right, that was embarrassing, let’s never do that again.” Tony drew away eventually and cut a grimace. “I don’t think my ego could survive this another time.”

Loki laughed quietly. “Of course.”

“Okay.” Tony took a breath. “How do we continue from here?”

“You create Extremis,” Loki pondered, a far-away look in his eyes. “I’ll take it to the All-father and we try to fix everything from here on. There must be _something_ that will finally get you out of this.” He stood up. “But for now, I think it would be for the best if you get rest.” He smiled and Tony’s heart did _something_. “I’ll take the guest room, as usual.”

“Yeah.” Tony cleared his throat. “Just, hey. Uhm – what you know, I mean – I don’t _expect_ anything of you, you know that?”

“I do.” Loki nodded with a smile on his lips. “Let us focus on the more important things though. If this ends and it’s by pure coincidence this loop, we can see where this might lead us. If you’re even still interested then and I know have gotten to know you better. Not just by memory.”

“Yeah.” Tony swallowed. “Sounds fair to me. G’night, Lokes.”

“Good night, liði.”

Tony smiled at the nickname before he turned back around. Still shaken, not quite _there_ yet, believing what he just saw and witnessed but – he could figure that out tomorrow. His eyelids felt heavy and were already dropping, a yawn escaped him.

Having Loki back with him –

If Tony didn’t know better he’d say it was a dream coming true.

Something straight up out of a comic book. Loki wasn’t hesitant of kicking his ass back into shape when Tony felt himself slipping away, made him coffee without further questions when his mug ran empty again. He touched Tony’s arm when he slipped away in his thoughts, pressed something into his hands he should feel and _explain._ Ran him a bath with a calming scent in it –

Everything so that Tony stayed in the moment. Forgot about his worries, his fears. Let him _speak_ , cause chaos and made sure he didn’t forget to wipe the Ten Rings off the map. He got back into being who he was. Became _Iron Man_ once more, and did his best to save the world.

The recovery – if one could call it so – was difficult. It was marked with a lot of struggle but – this time there were no run over dogs, no angry Pepper, no HYDRA missions that demanded of Tony to act like he was nothing more than a monster.

Loki made sure of that, called Tony off his high car and all that. It made Tony fall more in love with Loki, not that that came as any surprise. He felt good around him, smiling became easier once more. The need to drink all the time grew less insistent however it was still there.

Step for step though.

And short before long, Tony forgot to check his calendar as one did – it was June 29th. His jaw dropped, shock running through him, glee coming at second place.

“ _Loki –_ “ He yelled, yelled more until he heard an affirmative answer, proceeded to yell about how the long was _longer_ than it used to be. Even if it was only for a couple of days it was – so much more than Tony was used to. Victory was surging through him in high waves and okay –

He wasn’t really thinking as he rushed towards Loki, just _relieved_ and _exciting_ and his head was shutting all off, and pulled the other into a kiss. Pressed his lips against Loki’s, his eyes closed before he pulled back. Panting and grinning like a fool.

“Thank you.” He patted Loki’s shoulder.

“You’re welcome -?” Loki looked baffled, probably not having expected that. Tony grinned, then sauntered back into his workshop leaving Loki to read his book.

Maybe it was a good loop.

It was a few weeks later – they were into _July, could you believe that? –_ when Loki told him he’d been ordered back to Asgard, a _family matter._ Odin had been extremely persistent and Tony watched Loki leave with a bad feeling in his gut. There weren’t a lot of things that could be discussed so –

Tony tried to make Loki stay, offered to show him places he hadn’t seen before – asked him to help him wipe out the Mandaring and get a control over Strucker and his hoard of snakes. Loki shook his head only, smiling fondly as he hugged him and asked him to take care.

While Loki was MIA, Tony tracked down Strucker, made sure to have SHIELD ready at his call. Natasha was graciously allowed at his side and pissed the agents off that stood in her way, no mercy. Pepper yelled at him later that he let them both _disappear_ without saying a word.

Loki appeared without a noise, perched atop a bar hooker and stared at his hands like they were alien to him.

“Loki?”

“They told me of my heritage,” Loki mumbled. “That I’m no true Odinson.”

Tony licked his lips nervously before he sat down next to Loki. Stared with him at the mirror that was hang up on the wall in front of them.

“I always knew I was different,” Loki continued, his voice strangely soft and quiet. “That I did not fit in, that Odin must be preferring Thor over me for a reason.”

Tony turned his head to the side when he felt Loki’s eyes burning into him. Saw the blankness on the pale face, the skin so pale that Tony feared his friend was a ghost. His eyes were bloodshot and his eye bags dark. “It all makes sense now,” Loki mused and his fingers trembled.

“Loki–“ When Tony reached for his friend, his fingers slid through the arm as if it was made of air. “Loki?”

“Forgive me for this last trick.” Loki chuckled roughly as he pulled away. “But I only wished to talk to you about what transpired on Asgard before I –“ He stopped.

“Loki?” Tony felt panic rising in him. “ _Where are you–“_

“Not on Midgard.” Loki cut a grimace. “It seems my time is coming to an end quicker than I thought.” He inclined his head. “Annask þík, elskan mín.”

Tony stared at horror at the seat next to him. Where Loki had been _literally_ a second ago and –

And wasn’t anymore.

“J, _get a localisation on him!”_

_“Sir, I –“_

“I fucking don’t care. _Find him!”_ Tony swallowed. “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me 👀 
> 
> Remember when Tony blew Loki up that one time to collect blood samples? The amazing **Starkerkeyz** wrote a short [drabble](https://starkerkeyz.tumblr.com/post/622021911111712768/im-sorry-i-blew-you-up-and-collected-your-blood) about that, feel free check it out 👀👌
> 
> Annask þík, elskan mín = Take care, my love


	12. Chapter 12

**Elementary, my dear Stark.**

Once again Tony was back at the cave. Yellow light greeted him when he opened his eyes, and a yell of frustration fell from his lips. Yinsen looked at him in worry and someone banged at the door, telling them to keep quiet. Probably. It had been a long time since Tony had bothered with learning Dari.

_He had to get Loki._

This was what this was about. The suspicion he had, always thinking it might be the case that: _the loops were about Loki._

He had to _save Loki_. Because apparently nobody else would and he was fucking stuck in that _cave –_

He needed to find a way to get into Asgard. He remembered some things Loki had taught him and okay – Tony knew he had to get Jane, because she had material on the Einstein-Rosen Bridge. From there on it would be easy to figure out how to get to that godforsaken planet.

It was a new race against time; the earlier Tony got out of the cave, the better. 

_Loki wasn’t allowed to die again._ Not for as long as Tony _was_ still kicking.

As soon as Tony was home again, he went to look for Jane. She was _not_ all too happy to hear him on the phone, implied something along the lines that he only wanted her research to boast about it by himself. Which stung, admittedly. But since she was kind of right, Tony only heaved a sigh and told her he didn’t intend on doing that because he was famous enough as it was.

He forgot for a second there that he wasn’t Iron Man (yet) and that was how he invited Jane over to Malibu. To _talk_ because apparently she wanted to do this face to face like real scientists did and he’d better not try anything stupid because she knew where to get good lawyers.

_Rude_.

“What can I do to assure you I’m serious and don’t plan on taking your work for my own?”

“Sign a contract,” came a short-clipped answer. “I don’t trust you.”

“You know, that actually speaks for you.” Tony chuckled into the phone. “See you in a few days, Jane.”

She ended the call with a ‘goodbye’.

“Why are people so suspicious of me, J?”

_“I have no idea, Sir.”_

“The sass.” Tony shook his head with a grin. “Good, we’ve got some time before Jane is here. Might be the time to read more about travelling by train.”

_“Sir?”_

“That was a joke.”

Jane was a true delight to be around after Tony signed her contract. He even gave her tips on how to improve it. After that it was as if tension was broken between them and she even started to sass him. JARVIS, bless his soul, did his best to watch her back, not Tony’s. Betrayed by his own AI!

“Listen, what if I told you that the Einstein-Rosen Bridge leads to a different part of the universe?”

“Are you mad?”

“No.” Tony laughed. He fiddled around with his pen. “This is going to sound crazy. But – there’s a planet called _Asgard_ , from the Norse myths. The Einstein-Rosen Bridge _leads there_.”

“You _are_ mad.”

“Admittedly, I’m a bit.” Tony shrugged and Jane’s eyes went wide. “I’ve been through this before, Burnelle. Asgard does exist.” He tilted his head. “And you’re planning on going to New Mexico soon, aren’t you?”

“How did you –“

“I haven’t been spying on you. The truth is that I’m stuck in some kind of a groundhog and I have to get to Asgard. Which would work most easily with the Bridge you found. Now it’s just that I have to understand it and you are the leading expert.”

“And I think that I need to use the restroom.”

Tony blew out air. “I know that it sounds like I’m mad. That I’ve gone batshit. But – I _swear_ to you, I’m not any madder than people think you are for believing in the bridge.”

She looked at him sharply. “If you’re kidding me, Stark –“

“I’m not, I sincerely promise. I need to get to Asgard, Jane.”

“All right.”

Tony had this sinking feeling in his gut that she _didn’t_ believe him. Solely humoured him for as long as possible. He hoped that JARVIS in the meantime got what he needed from her research so Tony could study it in peace for as long as the loop allowed him to.

Jane stayed for another hour until Tony left to _get more tea_. They’d been discussing The Schwarzschild equation more in depth, and that a geodesic could be enough to form a stationary worldline r = 0 Euler-Lagrange equation. The definition for AdSn was certainly enough of a first attempt to help solve the stability of the bridge. Tony pinched his nose.

“Is she gone?”

_“Yes, Sir. She packed her things up and left a minute ago.”_

“Did you send her a taxi?”

_“Of course, Sir. This is not the first time I took care of your guests.”_

The sass.

Tony went to study Jane’s papers, memorised them as well as he could. Eventually, the loop would reset but –

For now, that was okay. It served his purpose. 

**Carpe Diem, Anthony.**

Tony woke up in the cave and did his best to be back at Malibu as soon as he could. He had almost everything figured out in the last loop. For this one, he would finish up, check for a few last mistakes, then start building his machine that would help him to _locate_ the Einstein-Rosen Bridge and from there on, travel through it until he was at Asgard.

Then he’d kick Odin’s ass, pull Loki away from wherever the fuck he was, and get him the fuck to Earth. Just somewhere that Loki would be safe. From there on he’d improvise but Tony was good at improvising, wasn’t he? He was the best, actually.

Tony was once more glad for the existence of caffeine and alcohol because –

He wouldn’t let himself rest until everything was running smoothly, the numbers were correct and there were no more mathematical holes anywhere to be seen. He forbad their existence by sheer existing. The good news was that he was in high spirits – unbelievably so and he was grinning, bent over the math as he was. Yeah. Idiot.

_But he could get Loki back._ Optimism found its way back into Tony’s heart, warmed him up, almost like his dear coffee did.

This was a serious situation, most dire indeed. He cleared his throat as he rubbed sleep from his eyes, not even bothering to stifle a yawn as he glanced at his work.

“J, I think we’re done.”

_“Congratulations, Sir. The goat you sketched, is it in any way relevant?”_

“Yes.” He nodded. “Project Goat transfer.” Would anybody guess he’d made it up on the spot? He stood up, memorising each formula, repeated it out loud forwards and backwards until he was sure he could recite it as well as he could the numbers of Pi, up until the thirtieth decimal. Not that that was in any way impressive – it sure hadn’t worked on the girls at MIT, and Rhodey only stared at him with raised eyebrows, asking him how big of a nerd he was but – all that aside.

“I’m done.” He pinched himself. Didn’t dare to – couldn’t fully comprehend that he _was_ here at this point, fucking _finally. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy –_

He groaned. “Jay, how long have I been awake?”

_“For seventy-nine hours, forty-one minutes and twelve seconds, Sir.”_

“Wow, and you didn’t try to send me to bed in between?”

If possible, JARVIS’ voice cooled down remarkably. “ _You muted me for the majority of the time, Sir.”_

“Ah.” He cut a grimace. “Oops?” Straight after that he went to bed, ready to either wake up and start working on his machine or – wake up in the cave and start to reach for Asgard like others did for the stars. Or tits. Both were entirely possible and _oh he really needed sleep_. But Tony couldn’t help the grin that spread on his face, nor the feeling of contentment, _happiness_ , surging through him.

**Why so serious, Stark?**

Perhaps Tony had been too optimistic. It had been a week since he’d gotten out of the cave, and he was starting to get annoyed, frustrated, with his situation. He was fighting the Ten Rings during his spare time to get the loop going, doing his best. But the machine he needed to get the Bridge to working –

_He had made a mistake, okay?_ The math was all correct, he simply happened to have forgotten that a conductor – like he had – had to be built out of strong material that could _withstand_ the energy that was flowing through it. Gamma rays would like to be collected in a strong vessel before they release and –

Yeah, he thought of that in that voice when you were in an IKEA and someone had to collect their kid. _Exactly that voice_. Tony sighed in annoyance. This was such a stupid beginner’s mistake, and that when the planning had been going so well. _This is why we should sleep sometimes, Tony. This all could have been prevented if you just used your fucking brain and remembered why you’re a genius._

Yes, even geniuses made mistakes, one couldn’t fucking believe it. He slammed his hand on the worthless device, snarled another curse or five before he returned back to the table.

“Get the music started, J. We do this again.”

_“Sir, you might want to go and grab a snack before you continue.”_

“All right,” he gritted out between his teeth. He hurried upstairs to get a pizza, then ran down. Time was valuable after all. He would not _give up._ But a snack was probably a good idea.

His head was starting to smoke after a few more hours where Tony realised that an equation could be solved easier. The whole project got then rolled up anew. Not that this was anything surprising because Tony never did things halfway. Unless he was drunk and too caught up in euphoria, it seemed. He let his head circle to release some strain and uncoiled his muscles. Everything was starting to stiffen up and _yes_ , that fucking hurt as he was crouched over the table like an idiot.

An idiot who was completely obsessed with his newest plan.

“Benjamin,” Tony began in his most serious voice he could manage, “if you fail me again, I _will_ give you to Dum-E and U to play. Capiché?”

Benjamin didn’t answer but Tony took that as an agreement anyway. Finally someone who didn’t sass him back. He still wasn’t over JARVIS’ betrayal when he’d taken Jane’s side over his. _His heart was broken_. There he was, thinking he could trust his AI, but no–! Of course not. That would be too simple, apparently.

He went to bed shortly after, checked his calculations through again and told JARVIS to order everything that was on the paper.

“ _Sir, I’m not sure if we can get vibranium.”_

“Why not?” He rolled his eyes, yawning as the day finally seemed to catch up with him.

_“Because all offers are not legal, in any way.”_

“Okay.” Tony pinched his nose, threw his shirt off and towards the couch as he walked towards his bedroom. “Where did Howard get his from?”

Silence.

“J, don’t leave me hanging here, buddy. I swear, you better find that out.”

“ _That might prove to be more difficult than anticipated, Sir.”_

“You’ll figure it out.” Tony nodded to himself, shrugging his pants off and slipped into his bed. “We talk tomorrow more of that, buddy, right?”

_“Good night, Sir.”_

“Night, J.”

**~ ∞ ~**

The next day started with a blueberry muffin, and coffee in Tony’s hands. He looked outside of the window, the sea wild and the sky cloudy. Actually a lovely day, if he could say that. Nobody would bother him today, or ask him to come in anywhere. Usually he would take Loki on this day outside and they’d watch a stupid movie somewhere or 

Point being, Tony wasn’t used to being alone today. And it ate at him like he ate his muffin. Slowly, treasuring each bite. What a fucked up situation this was.

“All right, Jay. Lay it on me. What did you find out about Vibranium?”

_“There used to be a file in SHIELD’s database about a country named Wakanda.”_

“Means they made sure to eradicate it from SHIELD?” Tony whistled quietly. “Clever bastards.”

“ _Wakanda is the only country in the world that has natural Vibranium resources. Though they aren’t known for parting from it voluntarily.”_

“What can I offer them?”

Silence.

“Jay, don’t tell me we don’t have info on Wakanda.”

_“I have the location, Sir.”_

“Good.” Tony blew out air. “At least that. We can start with that.” He looked at the rest of his blueberry muffin. “Try to get me a vacation for a week. We’ll take a look at Wakanda in the meantime.”

“ _Sir-“_

“Fun times, J! Don’t spoil them.”

His AI had the audacity to sigh. “ _Of course not, Sir._

“Good. I’m so glad we understand each other.” 

**~ ∞ ~**

_Vibranium, Vibranium._ Tony hated the sound of it by now and that he needed it. He _still_ had the fucking shield Howard had made for Rogers. Well, started to make and abandoned it in the middle. Fuck knew, why. Maybe it had been more interesting to shoo Tony out of his workshop, he fucking didn’t care. The only important part was that he needed _more_. 

Not an infinite amount of it, maybe just a handful. That was all he needed to stabilise the device and to open the Bridge. _Easypeasy_.

For some reason Tony hadn’t counted on a force field around Wakanda. “Is that new, J?” He touched the shield carefully with a finger. It stung a little bit. Perhaps his finger was numb now. Something new, for every once in a while.

“ _I can’t remember seeing this before, Sir.”_

“Oh, that’s good to know.” Tony nodded, tilting his head. “Do you think they let me in if I call them?”

_“… Sir._

“What?” Tony threw his hands up in the air which made him sag a little bit. “I’m here and ready to talk and pay. The worst they can do is to kick me out again.”

He took JARVIS’ silence as defeated agreement. Genuinely nice.

It took a few minutes of fiddling around, connecting to a nearby SI satellite, then Tony was already calling the king of Wakanda. How he knew it was royalty? The mailbox already told him that King T’Chaka would call back later. But Tony didn’t have the time for ‘later’.

“T’Chaka, c’mon, answer your fucking phone.” Tony sighed, did a loop in the air. The signal in the phone that told him he was being _ignored_ , started to annoy him. Here he was, flown all the way to Wakanda and got ignored for his efforts. Lovely. Just, lovely. And then people wondered why it was easier to be rude, like honestly.

The mailbox answered him again.

“Okay. Hi, my name is Tony Stark. You probably know me as Iron Man, I’ve been in the news a lot recently. I heard you guys have vibranium and I need a handful of it. Just a handful, not two. I’m open to talking business and whatever, and kinda floating above your bubble right now. Feel free to let me in whenever, I can pee in my suit if you intend on letting me stay outside until embarrassment forces me to go and pee in a bush. Yeah.”

He hung up and chose to wait a few minutes more. Then, when the shield _still_ didn’t open up for him and nobody tried calling him either, he went back home. A show of goodwill, and all that. Sometimes it could be worth waiting and perhaps they were simply intimidated by him. Who the fuck could say. Tony had knocked politely, hadn’t done some stupid shit – he hoped.

T’Chaka called back. Not immediately, not anywhere closely, but he took an entire timespan of nine days and called it, “assessing the situation” and let Tony explain, into the smallest detail, what he needed the vibranium for. And of course, had to swear that he wouldn’t give Wakanda’s location up. The only reason why he even called Tony was that so far, no one had stormed their place. Not anymore than usual, that was.

Sweet, the trust people had in him.

But after some haggling – yeah, Tony actually _did_ get lectured on the pure madness he was working on, thank you very much – T’Chaka agreed on sending him a _handful_. Tony knew better than to ask for more or how big the hand was because – yeah. It was for Loki. He could swallow his pride if it came to his Trickster. 

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony actually did get his device to work. Benjamin was thriving under his steadily working hands, his careful approach and loving blending together. Admittedly, he probably hurt him when he screwed nails into him but there was a chance Benjamin was just a kinky bastard.

With the device done and shining in all its vibranium glory, Tony set on to work on the remote. That was the easiest part and he made a shiny grey one, with a huge golden button in the middle. Because anybody could have a red button, right?

“Do you think I should have let the government know beforehand that I’m going to open a wormhole?” Tony asked out loud. He knew nobody would answer but yeah – maybe he should have let them know beforehand. By chance even asked a fellow scientist who’d record the data for him.

“So the plan is,” Tony summarised. “I activate this thing and that should open a connection to Asgard. I fly through. Bam. Done.”

_“Correct, Sir.”_

“Oh good, I love it when I’m correct.” Tony rolled his shoulders back then called his suit to him. Easy. He flew out of the garage, did another extra round before he stopped on his balcony where the device was set up. “J, make sure nobody gets their greedy little hands on it.”

_“Of course, Sir.”_

“I feel like you’re lying to me.”

_“I would never.”_

“See?” Tony pointed at the air. “This is why I cannot keep trusting you, J. You lie and cheat!”

_“Does that sound familiar to you?”_

Well, yes, it fucking did. It bothered him that JARVIS knew Loki so well just from what Tony had told him that he could _sass_ him. So rude. Was this how he’d raised his AI?

“Time to go,” he mumbled and pressed the button.

First, nothing happened. Then a golden ray exploded from the device with a loud, ear-drum shattering sound. Tony was sure he might have become a bit deaf from that. But his machine was _still working_ and the golden beam was shooting up and up – Gold on blue looked fabulous, Tony decided.

Then the beam suddenly became broader, started to shimmer in all kinds of colours. _Hello, Bifrost,_ Tony thought dryly.

He was about to kick off when he saw that the beam was starting to become less – _colourful_. With that he kicked off, panic suddenly surging through him. The idea the road to Asgard could be cut off.

He put more energy into his thrusters as the beam started to suck him in. Colours flew by and his graphs went off as he seemed to break every record that had ever been set for flying fast and –

His journey ended abruptly.

The colours faded into black, into blue, into black and then –

“Oh no,” Tony muttered. “Stranded in space.”

_Fuck_.

Okay the good news about this was though he hadn’t died yet from Hypothermia. He could do a Georgi Dobrovolski and his Iron Man suit was the Soyuz 11.

**Tony, we’re home.**

Last time he’d taken too much time. Tony was determined not to let that have happen again. As soon as his feet hit American soil again and he felt like kissing Pepper on the cheek, showing Obadiah his middle finger because _damn_ , did he deserve that – Tony made sure to call T’Chaka.

“Hello, it’s Tony Stark.” He cleared his throat. “You might have just seen my announcement that I’m not producing any weapons anymore. Also, I’m planning on an absurd project for which I need vibranium. Pinkie promise, I’m not going to run to the press to tell them about your super secret country, yes. I’m willing to pay a good price and all that, feel free to ring me whenever.”

Done. 

T’Chaka had the decency to only let him wait for eight days, then the vibranium was in Tony’s hands and he built the device quickly.

Next thing, Tony sat down to stare at his workshop tools. The funny thing he’d realised in the cave was that he _should_ have burnt out inside of the suit like barbeque. Which would have been hot and smokey, and all that.

“J, what’s the answer if I don’t burn out inside of my suit when I should, considering the speed I was flying with and the immense amount of energy and the fact that I was in the middle of some gamma rays _and_ inside of a wormhole?”

_“I’m not sure, Sir.”_ JARVIS sounded hesitant. Ah right, Tony hadn’t briefed him yet on that issue.

“Good, because I think I can tell you.” He tipped his lips with the tips of his fingers. “I think that is because I got thrown out of the connection before that could really happen. Someone might have felt _pity_.” Tony cleared his throat.

“Do you know what’s nice about dying in space, JARVIS?”

_“No?”_

“It’s cold.” Tony smiled bitterly. “It sets in gradually because for a while, your suit will still keep everything up and running. But it goes out, eventually. Then the coldness starts to seep in. You notice because you start shivering and you feel tired. So _tired_ , and you think that sleeping for a bit will help you. To gather energy and power, then you can figure something out.” He chuckled, remembering the wideness of space. The sheer infinity of it. The darkness.

_Loneliness._

“But it’s peaceful, you know? You just sit there in your suit, admire the view in front of you and let it happen. There isn’t much one can do and – sleep is nice. Your eyelids start to drop and you feel warmer. Eventually you keep forgetting to open your eyes. It’s difficult and why bother?” Tony shrugged. 

“Not necessarily something I would repeat but I think, dying in your sleep is so much nicer than in an explosion. Because for a moment you _will_ feel the pain. The heat. Your body being burnt off you and how you get turned into a spit roast. Or you notice how your limbs get torn away and everything apart.” 

_“Sir, are you all right?”_

“No?” He tilted his head to the side. “But to make it short. Someone probably wanted me to have a nice death. I guess. What do I know.”

_“What is your solution, Sir?”_

“Time to inhale Extremis.” Tony smiled bitterly. “That shit must be good for something.”

Said, done. Tony couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken Extremis for himself but here he was – glowing orange and only, kind of howling in pain as the fire seemed to take him apart from the inside out. It was so easy to forget how painful things were until they happened again. He squeezed his eyes shut, let it simply happen to him.

As every cell in his body was newly made, his body _reconstructed,_ and his veins were filled with lava. He felt like he could take on the world but not now – only later when he’d become the dragon that everybody would fear so much. Tears were running down his cheeks but – at the same time they vaporized. Pearls of salt in the air and he was in the middle; crying, sweating, _steaming._

When his body seemed to have calmed down, Tony swore he felt fire on his tongue and his limbs were moving _quicker,_ less strained, and painful.

“I really don’t like this.” His voice was nothing but a wheeze into the silence of the house. Not even his rock was playing anymore, the stereo system was smoking and DUM-E had his fire extinguisher ready. Tony held a hand up tiredly, begging his bot with eyes only _not_ to do what he planned on doing. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for a foamy shower after so much heat.

He wanted to sleep. He wanted to get out and punch someone’s face. Wanted to make pizza and fall asleep on it too.

He wasn’t even sure anymore what he wanted.

He was –

“ _It’s April 14_ _th_ _, 9:15am. Good morning, Sir. The weather today is going to be full of sunshine and just perfect for a shower by Fire-extinguishers.”_

“J, are you mad?” Tony muttered, not quite awake yet from his sleep.

_“Coffee is already waiting for you in the kitchen, Sir.”_

He was _definitely_ mad. Tony sighed into his pillow, allowed himself another minute of rest before he stood up with a yawn. His spine was popping loudly as he stretched his arms upward and noticed on the side that scorch marks on his fingers. What a nice thing to wake up to. 

“Today we’re leaving for Asgard, J.”

“ _Yes, Sir.”_

“What?” Tony walked to the kitchen, his bare feet thumping quietly on the wooden floor. “No protest in any form whatsoever?”

“ _I have garnered the impression that you won’t listen to me.”_

“So you’re going to spare your breath?” He grinned when JARVIS refused to reply even to that. Look, he could sass his AI back all he wanted, he wasn’t a complete failure of a dad yet.

With the coffee in his stomach and a slice of pizza from yesterday, Tony went to his workshop. Got into his Mark XLVII, walked back upstairs and listened to the sounds the suit made as he sneaked over the wooden floor. Then out to the balcony and hit the golden button.

Without further ado, Tony took off as the bridge crashed down on him. Colours flew by, and he felt like _he was on fire_ , as he breathed out some as excitement started to rise, and he was flying –

_Flying –_

There seemed to be no end to it. He’d long since lost contact with JARVIS as he flew through space, and the colours were starting to dull. How long would this have to keep up? How long –

Tony couldn’t say. Time dilation was a bitch, he decided, hands to his sides and putting energy into the thrusters. But – he felt weird and –

_Weird_.

And sleepy, now that he thought about it. Just – _yeah_.

_Fuck._

**Tony calls it a Royale with Cheese.**

What is a genius to do when the obvious solution isn’t going to work? He would go and try to find a dubious way because in the shadows often laid the best answers. Tony knew that for a fact. He didn’t bother with calling T’Chaka again. There needed to be a different way to get to Asgard.

“If the bridge can’t be called that way-“ Tony sighed, wrecked his brain in the hope for a quick solution. “Fuckdifuck,” he added.

“How about I just yell at Heimdall for him to get me to Asgard?”

That said, Tony knew it was stupid. That it most likely wouldn’t work.

But –

Would he even be a real scientist if he didn’t try?

Tony yelled at the sky. Yelled into a megaphone, yelled with the help of his Iron Man suit.

Didn’t work.

Fucking bullshit. 

**AI in the Wall, who is the greatest Hero of them all?**

Back to square one in a huge step. Not as huge as Tony feared it would be but the last loop – well, he’d taken his enjoyment out of yelling at the sky and used it to do other stuff. Worked his frustrations out, yelled at the sky some more, cursed every living being, then went straight into another mad genius cycle. It was relieving. Got him some more rest that he severely needed. Tony had learnt his lesson.

He was only a bit afraid of how it would be the day that he’d saved Loki from Asgard and – the loop would still reset. Despite that he’d done his best. The idea of that was grim and dark, a monster of its own that Tony would rather not have inside his mind. Not when it seemed like he finally got things under control and tried to have a positive outlook. Because ipse facto the loop was _working_ for him, it was his other superpower. Get that fucker to work for him until he’d gotten Loki. Easy.

Yinsen wasn’t a real help this time when Tony asked him about traveling wide distances in minimal time and all he got to hear was, “ _Time dilation”_ like Tony wasn’t aware of that yet. But – Yinsen only did his best, okay. He knew that. It still was frustrating though to hear the same fucking thing he’s been doing. Okay, and it just reminded him of being stranded in space and trapped for what seemed to be _forever_ in a golden beam of gamma rays and yeah. No need to repeat that.

As soon as he was back at home, Tony made sure to sit his Platypus down and gave him something to drink. When his buddy was drunk enough but still sober as well – this weird stage in between – he asked him about what the military _had_ on quick travelling. Which secrets there were and what rumours. Rhodey might not seem like it but he was a giant gossip listener. Had to do with his training, most likely. And living in a house with way too many siblings that were mainly girls. 

Had to.

Otherwise Tony would have to admit he was the same idiot. That was all. But as it turned out there weren't a lot of useful rumours Tony could use or try to figure out the core. And Rhodey was glaring at him while braiding Tony’s hair because that was what Rhodey did. And Tony knew it was his fault for having grown his hair so long.

“J, get your fingers on SHIELD’s database.” Tony sighed. “Let’s hope they have something I haven’t seen before.”

_“SHIELD, Sir?”_

“Yes, SHIELD. Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division.” Sometimes it was really bothering to keep forgetting that your AI didn’t know everything yet. Tony made himself another coffee before he sat down to read what JARVIS was already discovering.

_“What are we looking for, Sir?”_

“The things they don’t want us to know about.” Tony cut a grimace. “The deeper and darker it is, the better for me.”

_“I must advise you Sir, that this is not a wise course of action.”_ A heartbeat of silence. _“It is a pleasure to do criminal activities with you though.”_

“Cut the sass.” Tony rolled his shoulders back. “Okay, we need a worm,” he eventually decided as JARVIS still crawled through the database. It would take _too long_ , in his fair estimation. Although he knew that his AI didn’t want them to be caught, it – yeah.

With that being said, Tony took a Starkpad and started to write the code for a worm. “We’re going to call you Jormi,” he decided with a grin. His fingers were flying over the screen, tapped here and there, made sure Jormi was going to be worthy of its name’s giver.

“Time to cause Ragnarok.” _That felt nice to say out loud_.

“Now we just have to go to SHIELD.” Tony tilted his head. “Do you think it’s wise to wait until Fury contacts me via Coulson again or do I simply storm their quarters?” 

_“I’d advise you to wait, Sir.”_

“Storming their base it is, then.” Tony grinned excitedly, stood up to get into a nice suit and called Coulson. The number had been the one easiest to find.

“Agent Coulson? Tony Stark here. I wanted to chat with Fury.”

_“Did Ms Potts tell you to call me back?”_

Wait, Pepper had talked to Coulson? Oh wow. “She did.” He laughed charmingly, only to roll his eyes a second later. “When can I drop by?”

“ _That’s not quite how this works, Mr Stark, with all due respect.”_

“If you say so.” He stepped into his suit. “Then when can I expect to talk to Fury?”

_“I’ll ask him.”_

“Okay.” Tony chuckled. “Would you mind preparing coffee? I like drinking coffee when I’m talking business.”

_“Mr Stark-?”_

Tony politely knocked at the side of the helicarrier. Damn, did he love this thing even invisible. Maybe he should steal it.

_“Mr Stark!”_

“Knock knock, who’s there?”

**~ ∞ ~**

The talk with Fury was unpleasant, to say the least. But, Tony had the opportunity to put JARVIS where he needed him – near a computer and let Jormi free. That was all he needed. 

When he returned home, his relations with SHIELD were worse than ever before but _heyyy_. This was what made life worth living. Tony went into a deep study, learnt more about SHIELD’s secrets and hey. Okay.

Tony had this feeling that he already looked through SHIELD’s stuff once. A long time ago. How was he supposed to remember everything? He couldn’t even say anymore what he had for breakfast or if he even had one. His head shot up as he remembered that he didn’t _remember_. That he had no memory of this loop _making_ the suits. They’d simply – they were _there_ and Tony knew it was one he created because – nothing and no one could make an Iron Man suit like he did.

Bile started to rise in the back of his throat, amnesia floating in front of his eyes in bold letters. _What had happened?_

“No, no-“ He shook his head. “J, when did I make the Iron Man suit I just used?”

“About four days ago, Sir. You even started making another one.”

_He had no memory of that either._ He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to bring the memories back. “J, what –“

“ _You went into the workshop to tinker after a severe case of a panic attack, Sir.”_

“I had -?”

“ _Yes, Sir. All symptoms point towards it. Elevated heart rate, shaking limbs, dizziness, -“_

“J, I didn’t _have_ a panic attack!”

_“Sir –“_

“No.” Tony shook his head. “Listen, if I had one, I would fucking remember, all right?” _Would he?_ A sprinkle of doubt that had been planted there lives ago, started to rise in full force. Tony swallowed heavily as he remembered that – there’d been moments before where he couldn’t remember.

“Okay.” He took a breath. “We’ll focus on that when the time comes. For now – we just –“ He blinked the blurred sight away. “SHIELD and Loki first.” Because he knew that there’d always be time for figuring that out in detail later.

SHIELD had a lot of secrets it seemed. HYDRA was lucky to be even considered as the beginning. There was a girl, an _assassin_ , who’d been living in the shadows for all her life. A _Captain_ that Fury seemed to like and _oh okay_ , _maybe he should ask Loki about the Skrulls and Kree, yeah?_

The fact that there were more aliens, not only Asgardians and Jotuns – Tony should have expected that, counted on it even. But the fact was – to see the reports there in the file, with photos and other things, it was –

His world seemed to be turned upside down, the moon no longer orbiting Earth but Venus. It was _fascinating_. If that was how people felt when they learnt the Earth was round, and not flat _despite_ multiple theories and evidence and all that, and people being burned – were they burned? – yeah, Tony felt like he got the point.

But he chose not to dwell there for longer, digging deeper into SHIELD’s files. Opened one door after another, wincing in disgust and horror if he remained for too long in certain areas. But Tony kept going, trying not to be bothered too much, turned everything upside down, let JARVIS take a look at what they found and compared it to what they needed.

Ideas were thrown around. There were a couple of good ones and Tony made himself get up to prepare some sandwiches. He barely tasted it while he ate, chewing automatically, going deeper and deeper into the files. SHIELD was a fucking mess and Tony _smelled_ the secrets. Felt them pulling him in until he didn’t want to get out anymore. It was as fascinating as it was shocking and –

_Oh._

“J, what do we know about a _Tesseract_?”

Nothing, apparently. But there was this glowing blue cube, with a long, long history attached to it.

“SHIELD is still not aware that we’re in their network?”

“ _No, Sir. We’re undetected.”_

“Good.” Tony allowed himself a short grin, the surge of triumph running through his veins. “Let’s get this cube and work with that.”

_“Is it wise to experiment with an apparent Infinity Stone?”_

“It’s a cube, J. Not a stone. And it works with space, which is _exactly_ what we need to get to Asgard.”

_“If you say so, Sir.”_

“I do say so.”

The Tesseract was in fucking _Santa Fe, New Mexico._

“New Mexico? _Again?”_

Tony rolled his eyes at that. “Okay, get me the dirt on that base, J. I want the Tesseract out of there latest tomorrow, yes? Give me every camera in there, every shit an agent takes, the amount of weapons in there and _most importantly_ , who is hiding in there. And a route to go in mostly undetected.”

“ _Sir, do you mean to tell me you want to approach the base without causing a ruckus?”_ JARVIS sounded amused. “ _Are you feeling all right?”_

“Yes. And yes, thank you for asking.” Tony leant back in his chair. Yawned. “You do that. I go and sleep. Wake me as soon as everything is completed and then –“

_“We’ll attack the base.”_

“Good boy.”

**~ ∞ ~**

What was the point at which Tony should start worrying about how much sleep he was getting? But then – he had to be awake and functional as to avoid another disaster. Awake so he could grab Loki. Figure out a new plan from there on. Perhaps that was reason enough to say it was for the better to get sleep. And Tony _did_ feel rested as he woke up again, ran to his shower and let JARVIS tell him _everything_ about the base.

“Okay. Plan the route to Santa Fe, departure in twenty minutes. Need coffee first.”

Exactly seventeen minutes later Tony was racing through the air. SHIELD most likely had their eyes on him, after the talk with Fury went _incredibly well_ , and Tony couldn’t wait to hear how SHIELD was going to yell at him later while he was retrieving the cube. Something about bonds being shattered, treason, and all that. Yeah. Good times.

But that would be doable because if SHIELD _managed_ to kill Tony – which he doubted, thank you very much – the loop was going to reset. The advantage in this. Tony couldn’t wait to see what option it would be this time around.

The base looked… _like a base._ Tony wasn’t sure what exactly he’d expected but it sure hadn’t been that. He aimed at a spot a few miles to the right of the base, and the rocket exploded in red. It didn’t take SHIELD’s agents more than a minute to storm out to investigate while Tony kept himself invisible. _Stealth mode._ What a lovely invention and _how nice_ of SHIELD to have the plans for that handy. It had only needed a few configurations here and there. JARVIS was still in SHIELD’s systems, and the AI made sure that Tony wasn’t going to be detected either way.

When the last batch of agents had left the base, they were only twenty of them around. It was almost offending – Tony swooped in through the entrance before he touched the ground. This suit was a blessing, no noises anymore unless Tony wanted them. Mark XLVIII did it.

Tony hummed quietly as he walked through the base, cameras turning away from him as he sneaked by. Once more Tony was utterly grateful for having such a good AI at his side who could easily – _easily_ – malfunction or give Tony away. Not that he thought JARVIS would ever do that but – the possibility, however small, was there.

He froze when he saw agents passing him, muttering about a false alarm and a stray rocket. Not that, you know, rockets could _stray_ in these times and possibly not that close to a secret base but hey – Tony didn’t get the feeling that SHIELD paid their agents to think. After all, that was why SHIELD kept soldiers in a different training facility than the scientists, right?

When Tony entered the hall JARVIS had located the Tesseract in, he had to collect himself for a moment. Because the Tesseract was surrounded by agents of all kinds and scientists. _Great._

“ _Who’s there_?”

Tony didn’t dare to breathe.

“I know that someone is in here who shouldn’t be.” The voice seemed to come from high up. Tony couldn’t – _oh_.

_Hawkeye._

Tony dropped the stealth mode because honestly – it didn’t matter anymore.

“Stark!”

“Barton.” He gave a cheeky wave. “I’m here to grab the Tesseract. I’ll be gone again in a few seconds, don’t worry.”

“I can’t let you take the Tesseract.”

“What are you going to do?” Tony asked dryly. “Shoot me with your bow and arrow?”

“Yes.”

It was the confidence with which Barton uttered the sentence. Cool, calm, and collected. Like he knew something Tony didn’t. _Asshole._

Tony didn’t waste another moment, kicked off and grabbed the Tesseract from its place. He heard JARVIS giving off a warning and Tony –

Heard it when something started to beep on his arm. Red.

“Are you serious?” he asked flatly.

“Dead serious,” Clint responded calmly.

What a fucking asshole.

Tony closed his eyes in bitter acceptance that he was going to fail Loki again. It would be the last time, he promised himself. Next time, he’d do better, start better –

**My Lo–Precious.**

What Tony had learnt from his encounter with Clint was that he needed a better suit. One that maybe _didn’t explode_ and huh –

He really had to go and pull off an armour that Barton wouldn’t fucking count on. Something nobody had seen yet, only in movies if they were lucky. Some real science fiction but _better_ , something that would make Loki see green because it would be better than his magic and yes –

_Oh, didn’t he have the best ideas at the worst times?_ Tony couldn’t stop the grin as he went to work on the fake missile for the Ten Rings. Then he asked Yinsen about nanotechnology.

“It wouldn’t even be visible to the human eye, Stark.”

“That sounds like the thing I need. Would that be the sort of stuff Batman uses?”

“Do you wish to build a Hellbat Armour?”

“Yes.” Tony thought about it. “But I wouldn’t call it Hellbat and I would have to look into what that suit does, but yes. I want to do that.”

“It is made of a shifting nano kinetic metallic composition,” Yinsen started. There was a spark in his eyes that Tony didn’t think he’d seen before and the scientist looked – _giddy._ “It can be shed and re-attached to a person on command by a voice activated AI as Wayne uses it. The built-in cloaking feature can make him appear invisible if he so wishes and is mainly there to help Wayne fight against _superhumans_. Beings he normally wouldn’t have a chance of fighting against powerhouses like Darkseid.”

“Darkseid?”

Yinsen nodded. “One of the strongest people Wayne ever had to fight against.”

“Nice. Did he survive it or did he get killed only to come back a few issues later?”

“He got sent back in time with a severe case of amnesia.” Yinsen looked at him with a small smile. “Everyone believed Batman was dead because the suit isn’t –“ A sigh escaped Yinsen. “The suit isn’t perfect, Stark. It drains on the metabolism and if the fight had continued for a few minutes more, Wayne would have been dead.”

“Oh, so Darkseid did him a favour?”

“One could speculate so, since he’s known for sparing Batman.”

Tony snorted softly. “He likes him, don’t he?”

“I have no idea.” Yinsen shared a laugh with him. “But nanotechnology should be possible for you, Stark. I don’t doubt it.”

“At least one person in here who doesn’t doubt my genius,” Tony said dryly.

**~ ∞ ~**

The idea of nanotechnology didn’t leave Tony’s mind. Instead, it took on more and more form and he pressed every bit of information Yinsen had out of him. Yinsen was delighted to be sharing his knowledge – much to the chagrin of the Ten Rings but _hey_ – they couldn’t have everything they fucking wanted, right? Tony said so and therefore, it would be so.

He dreamt of a suit made of nanos he could call to himself whenever he wanted. Admittedly, he would have to store them but that was what you had chips for, right? He could just inject them into himself, get the nanites, boom, done. There was less of a chance he was going to die from that than when he made the arc reactor but with palladium before he found the other element to replace it. Easy. Nothing would stop him from here on.

When he was back home and JARVIS, his dear AI, ready to listen. Of course, only after he’s given Tony a heartfelt talk of how idiotic it had been not to stay with Rhodey. Good thing J knew what he was after.

“Muscular exoskeleton, less protrusions. Sleek, quick, a one-piece-suit if you would call it that. Quicker, faster, more –“

“ _More fitted to your physical strengths and appearance.”_

“Yes. Give me a suit that I can run with, J. Not one I walk with. Run so fast that it looks like I’m flying and is able to take it up with beings that would normally kill me.” 

_“Ms Potts, Sir?”_

Tony wheezed on his coffee. “Yes. Pepper. Obviously.”

_“I’ll run a few simulations, Sir.”_

“Good.” Tony rubbed his forehead. “I’ll go and replace the arc reactor first. Then –“ he squinted at his coffee. “More coffee. I have to start taking out the Ten Rings, become Iron Man. Build the suit. Get the Tesseract and get readings on it so we can figure out how to get to Asgard.”

_“Asgard?”_

“I’ve forgotten to tell you again.” Tony groaned. “Okay, listen up, J. This is going to be a wild story and you haven’t got the slightest idea.”

**~ ∞ ~**

It took him almost three weeks to build the Mark L. If Tony had anything to say about his baby, it was that it was _gorgeous_ and okay, it wasn’t wrong to have a hard-on. Tony took the suit out for a joy ride which included a couple of explosions, more deaths than he could count and the Ten Rings razed to the ground. _Perfect_. The dream of all dreams and JARVIS only muttered half-heartedly in his ear about the travesty that he was wasting perfectly functional weapons. But Tony wanted to play.

With the suit work approved though –

The Tesseract.

Tony took a nap, three hours of sleep had to suffice, he decided, then flew to Santa Fe. Launched a rocket at the base, shot in and ran straight to the hall where the Tesseract was being kept.

Flew over to where Barton was, didn’t give him much time to draw his bow. Smashed his fist lovingly into his handsome face and put him where someone would get him medical attention quickly. Because as much as it sucked – a dead Barton would mean an unhappy Natasha would mean a single Pepper would mean less stressed Pepper would mean extremely stressed Tony with a lot of guilt.

Better to avoid that.

The cube was thrumming in Tony’s hands. It was quite an eye-catcher if Tony could say so himself and he held it up to his arc reactor. The colour seemed to be almost the same. That was almost hilarious.

The escape happened without any problems. Nobody saw him, the base was left mostly in one piece and Tony only felt glee at pulling one over Fury. Of course there was still a chance he might get caught mid-flight and Fury would go all Terminator on him. But his baby didn’t register a threat and SHIELD didn’t fire randomly into the air although they sure must know something was up. 

That something was in the air, escaping with their precious Tesseract. But Tony chose not to give a damn, and flew straight to his home.

_“That was unexpectedly stealthy, Sir.”_

“Not _everything_ I do is to get attention, J.”

_“You could have fooled me.”_

Tony nodded. Exhaustion suddenly swamped over him and he had to sit down –

His stomach was lurching and his breathing sped up. Calm. Cold. He dropped the Tesseract on the floor as he sagged together in the suit. It folded quietly, knees hitting the ground. _Clang._

“J-“

He wasn’t sure he liked what he was feeling. The need to run away. To stay. Run further. Vomit inside of the helmet. Wanted the suit to be gone –

Air hit his face. The floor ground beneath his knees. Harsh. Unforgiving. He rested his head on the ground, breathed – tried to breathe. Everything felt too small, he was _small_ , there was –

Nothing made sense. It was all dark. _Dark dark dark like the space like when he got blown up like when he’s in space like when he dies and oh –_

There was a shimmer of light. Blue. Just – a spot in a few inches away, glowing. Breathing felt difficult and Tony tried to stretch his arm out. Couldn’t do that. Shaking. Trembling. His arm felt like it had been turned into lead. Who –

A voice in the background.

Calm.

Tony couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t – do what he was supposed to do. His –

Wetness on his face. A loud gasp. Air.

_“Sir-“_

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony sipped on his coffee, a stress ball in his other hand. That episode had been – _interesting_ , to say the least. Eventually he started breathing normally again. Put the Tesseract where it belonged and let JARVIS get a read on it. Had sat down and breathed. Focused on the pencil in his hand. Stabbed himself with it, when he felt himself slip away. It had been scary. Extremely so. When he felt himself dissociating with the world around him.

He wasn’t sure if he’d managed to avoid that problem because there’d been a minute Tony only _stared_ , couldn’t – feel the world around him. Didn’t feel like that whatever happened, happened to him. As if he was just an inhabitant of his own body that functioned without him. Numbness.

The pencil had stabbed him in the finger. Clattered to the ground without anything stopping it. And Tony only stared. Stared at it because he couldn’t move.

The pencil was now back in his hands.

He wasn’t sure how.

He refused to admit that he had lost that fight. Twice.

JARVIS couldn’t tell him where the panic attack had come from. Apparently, these things just _happened_ and were a bitch to deal with. Tony didn’t agree. It was easier to deal with women than with that. He’d swear his life on it.

_“There is something inside of the cube, Sir.”_

“Okay.” He couldn’t find an ounce of excitement in his bones. He felt – wrung out. Like laundry. Or a sponge. The fuck did he know. “What is it?”

_“It seems like the cube is only the container for the stone.”_

“Okay.” Disinterest. He had to save Loki, right? But – it felt difficult right now. Not to just – curl up somewhere, watch a movie, get drunk. Hide and pretend everything was fine. He wanted Loki here with him. Right now. Have him – make a joke. Drink Four Loko while they chatted. Read. _Worked_.

“What does it even matter.”

He looked at the pencil. Wood. Felt smooth in his hands. Round. Good grip. “I just fucking don’t want to do this anymore, J. This is –“

He broke the sentence off with an annoyed groan. “Is it too much to ask for a break? For Loki to _be here_ and have him be _useful_ while I try to save his ungrateful little ass?”

Nothing answered him. Only silence. Perhaps J didn’t know either how to help his creator here. Nobody fucking knew anything, not even some super geniuses somewhere in the wideness of space on different planets. Tony fucking hated it.

With a passion so strong, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so intensely.

“Let’s figure out how to work with the Tesseract.” He stood up, feeling disgusted with himself. “I don’t want to waste more time.”

He grabbed a bottle of wine that he stored in his workshop because of the cool temperature. It was red. A fucking _Edizione Pennino_. He opened it, let U pull the cork out before he took a long sip. The cool liquid burned on his tongue but –

Also settled him in the pit of his stomach. He just fucking wanted to be done with this. Fucking wanted it to be over and just, live on without this bullshit. _Hadn’t he done enough yet?_

_No, he hadn’t._ Because he was still _here_ , had to worry about Loki, had to worry about himself because it seemed as if he was developing another disorder atop of his others. Not like he wasn’t winning the jackpot at being fucked up already but what did another thing matter? He could fucking handle it, right? He was sure that was what his body was thinking because that fuck ass that was the universe sure didn’t give him a rest.

The Tesseract was easily understood after Tony had a bit more wine in him. Nothing like a helper who made him _focus_ on one thing, and one thing only. Not a _thousand_ things at once. Couldn’t his brain organise itself? Super focus on everything at once in battle and when he had to deal with SHIELD. Focus on one thing when he was working. Just, straight from the beginning on, not only when he inhaled thousand cups of coffee or drank wine or whiskey.

“This means the Tesseract helps me to travel through space. Basically, it is a wormhole opener of its own and can even close the door after itself too.”

_“That seems to be the case, Sir.”_

“Lovely.” Tony rolled his eyes. “Good, can we open a wormhole with it safely? Do I need to do it manually? Can I send an apple through first, then a bird? I want to make sure I won’t lose a limb, after all.”

_“I cannot answer that for certain.”_

“Lovely.” Tony sighed. “Okay, I’m drunk.” He tapped on his nanite holders and the Bleeding Edge folded over him. “The day can’t get any worse than it already is, right?”

He grabbed the Tesseract. “First thing I’ll teleport to the Vatnajökull National Park. Wanted to go there for ages.” He shook the cube. It only thrummed louder.

“I swear this thing is going to kill me.” He closed his eyes.

“To the Vatnajökull National Park, Iceland.”

A blue portal opened around him. It felt cold and mysterious, and Tony felt himself being sucked in –

_Pain_.

Like cold fire. Around him.

On him. Inside of him.

Tony wasn’t sure if he was screaming. He only knew that he was burning.

He let go.

**Hasta la vista, Bifrost.**

This time Tony knew that traveling by Tesseract involved a lot of pain. He wasn’t quite sure _how_ and _why_ but that meant he had to go and find a way _not to burn_. Perhaps it was the insane amount of radiation he was exposed to. _See,_ this was why he got drunk in the first place. Maybe it had helped to dull the pain. Maybe it had been the reason for his forgetfulness.

A lot of possibilities that Tony could uncover. How did one survive the Phantom Energy? How did one fight heat best? Tony grinned. _Fighting fire with fire._ Back to Extremis, it was. Since that could heal any physical damage, it seemed to be the way to survive a bit of space travelling.

He could be in _one piece_ when he arrived in Asgard. On top of that, he could even be as strong as Loki and his idiot people were. There were only advantages to this.

It was again methodical working as Tony arrived back in the States. He followed all the necessary steps as far as he could. Got Obadiah arrested, had Pepper accept the position as the new CEO of Stark Industries. Made friends with Fury who _really_ loved it when Tony wasn’t as … _Tony_ as he usually was. Tony didn’t mind cutting back for as long as Fury played nice with him too. He created Extremis, tasted the fire all over again.

Heat was fogging his brain and a part of him seemed to settle. He was a _dragon_ and Loki would be his princess, only with more sass and magic. He couldn’t wait to tell that joke. With the fire in his veins, he set on to create Bleeding Edge. He had a sudden inspiration for a Foot Thruster and while the bots helped him to set everything together, he thought of more and more inventions he could add. The injection of the nanites in his body –

Hurt like hell. Tony could only pray that Extremis wasn’t going to chew them out or – Einstein forbid – shit them out. But – nothing of the sort happened. The nanites stayed where they were, under his skin and the sensation was just a little bit odd. Tony watched as small flames flickered over the concerned spots, the heat a mere brush of damnation.

He made sure that nobody got to see him without his shirt on. That Pepper was busy with her Natasha – as far away from Tony as possible. The _loving_ and _cute_ ’ing was too much for him and just – yeah.

He stormed the base in Santa Fe, Clint got another concussion because why not. Tony thought he deserved it and he couldn’t touch Natasha. Maybe it wasn’t the nicest move to knock out a guy who didn’t know him. But the knowledge that Clint had managed to kill him _and_ that _their friends_ got what Tony wanted, while he was suffering? Yeah, it turned him into a bit of an asshole.

“Good.” Tony retracted his suit as soon as he was back home. “How about we take a look into the deep blue sea and figure out how to make this work?”

JARVIS started playing music, a definite sign of agreement. Perhaps his AI did love him after all. Tony grinned shortly, accepted the smoothie DUM-E had made for him and downed it in one go. Broccoli, lettuce, banana, and kiwi. What more could a guy possibly want? And of course, motor oil. But since Tony had Extremis that bit of oil didn’t hurt anymore.

He also couldn’t get really drunk anymore, he learnt. It was still _possible_ , of course. But to achieve that he had to drink a lot and that within a short timeframe. Enjoy the few minutes of buzz, then he was back into a sober state. Didn’t even have a hangover anymore. The nerve of the virus. Tony shook his head.

The worst part about the Tesseract was that Tony – couldn’t _test it_. He didn’t know how to make the Tesseract open a portal that did _not_ suck _him_ in. Stepping away from it as he held the casket? Wild. The Tesseract seemed to interact only by touch and _intent_ , and DUM-E didn’t disappear as he balanced the cube on his claw. Not, that Tony had been out to sacrifice his bot. But he hadn’t looked for a second and there was his oldest – being the biggest kid in the room.

Which was mean because that was supposed to be Tony. Title stolen by his bot.

How rude.

But they found a way to make it work and so that Tony _knew_ what was happening. He made a small miniature Iron Man suit that held the Tesseract together with Tony. Then he thought of his living room, _jumped back_ as the wormhole opened and sucked the suit right in –

Raced to his living room –

There was the Tesseract. Shining. Glowing as if it hadn’t done anything wrong.

Only that the suit was missing except for a finger from the glove.

“Aren’t you a bastard?” Tony eyed the cube full of suspicion. When he checked for the coordinates of the suit –

There were none. They disappeared the minute the suit had entered the wormhole. _No signal._

“Hilarious,” Tony said. The cube continued to glow, seemed almost smug.

“Why do I have the feeling this thing is challenging me?”

_“Sir, the Tesseract is an inanimate object.”_

“What if it only wants us to think so?” Tony heaved a sigh that seemed to come straight from the bottom of his soul. “Is there anything right off the bat you can think of, J? That helps me to get to Asgard safe and in one piece?”

_“Not immediately.”_

“Okay.” Tony blew air out. “Guess it’s try or fail now.”

He grabbed the Tesseract and glared at it. As good as he could before the visor shut down. Then he just continued to glare.

“Small step for me,” he muttered, then closed his eyes. Thought of Loki. His smiles. How his eyes lit up when he was about to suggest something crazy. Just –

_Loki_.

_In Asgard._

Tony closed his eyes when he saw blue surrounding him, sucking him in –

He held onto the Tesseract even when he felt himself burning up – burn and flames were licking over him. Everything was a whirl of blue and orange, heat and _more heat_ and –

Tony was sure he was crying. He could swear he heard himself screaming as his nanites melted away, his finger – a feast for flames and –

He was going to die in here but –

It would be worth it, worth it if he just didn’t lose his grip – didn’t lose to the wormhole and he cried silently –

It stopped abruptly.

He vomited, the helmet melting away and –

He only felt a cold burn at his nape.

Darkness.

**I’m having an old friend for dinner.**

Okay, so he just got beheaded. Tony would fucking remember that, just so that everybody knew.

_The things he did for Loki._

He did everything the same way again, only told the Tesseract to move him a few feet away from whatever had struck him down.

Then he was just on fire again, going through the whole hellish experience again.

_Water_.

Tony gargled, suddenly pulled away and –

He _hated_ water and he was – not quite yet here and about to vomit and –

He was falling, falling –

Star lights.

Asgard was flat.

Darkness.

Tony saw himself falling, choking – trying to get air as he breathed into the vomit, made it worse and – he didn’t know what he was doing but he wasn’t going anywhere just –

Flew. Fell.

Rose.

Turned.

Where even was Asgard? He was tumbling and tumbling –

He needed –

Help.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have seen, the chapter count went up to 14. I kind of ... got lost while adding fluff and Asgardian sweet nothings, that ... the word count doubled from 10Kish to 20Kish .... oops. 
> 
> So you'll get one half now, and the other half later when I'm back from work 😆 Unless work killed me. Then latest tomorrow morning 😆

**The End.**

The first word that fell from Tony’s lips was, “Hallelujah!”

Only then he set himself into motion. His body was mostly moving on its own, and he was running through all the necessary steps. Yinsen’s delight when they finally made it out of the cave again. Rhodey’s warm hug when the sun was shining, sweat and dirt itching on Tony’s face. Obadiah’s betrayal, Pepper’s perfume in his nose, a hamburger in his hands. A press conference that changed everything. The creation of a suit that altered his entire life.

The only thing that was missing was –

_Loki._

But, this was going to be solved soon. Tony squeezed his eyes shut as longing overwhelmed him. He didn’t need much longer. There were only so many more necessary steps he had to take before he could go to the SHIELD base and grab the Tesseract. He had to destroy the Ten Rings first, not to forget, to check –

_Yeah no, he didn’t need to check his blood levels for palladium poisoning anymore._ He’d created the new arc reactor on his second day back. Tony clicked with his fingers against the reactor, traced the lines of it with his fingertips. He’d done that already. _Gulmira_ was the next point on his plan and maybe he was going to get Yinsen a dog again. He just hoped that this time the dog wouldn’t die.

Slipping back into the role of Iron Man was… _interesting_. For a moment, Tony simply revelled in the glow of the HUD in front of him, as statistics were presented to him, a pop-up that showed him his body stats, another pop-up that gave him information about his location. Currently, his workshop in Malibu.

And before long, Tony was in Gulmira. Did his work there, saved the day – showed the world Iron Man. Proved to them that he _hadn’t_ gone insane after his stay in Afghanistan, even if the press seemed to be certain of the opposite. Yet, in the following days, Tony did his best to destroy the rest of the Ten Rings. Ignored Fury’s call because _no_ , not the time yet.

Only with the last base destroyed, did he accept Fury’s call and invited himself to the headquarter where the Tesseract was being kept. It was pretty easy to accomplish that – after all, Tony was _curious_ about these Gamma Radiation Spikes and he simply stole it by placing a duplicate in its place.

_Barton_ didn’t catch him doing it. He was rather busy keeping up with Tony as Tony rattled and ranted about Gamma and Science and Physics and – yeah, he talked bullshit and he talked a lot of that. It was _easy_. Most importantly though – _it was fun._

Nobody suspected anything. That, _exactly that,_ was what Nanotechnology had been intended for. To play pretend to be a Tesseract. Yup.

When Tony arrived in Malibu again, all he could do for a while was stare at the Tesseract in his hands. “You’re a fucking asshole, do you know that?”

He didn’t expect an answer from the fucking cube. Obviously he also didn’t get one – the important part to this was that he had _asked._ Not everyone would do so because who in their right mind talked to an object? It was a good thing that Tony had long since decided he was not in his right mind. How could he when he was raised as the son of Howard Stark – genius of his time? No, it was better to accept that he stood out from the crowd. _Admittedly_ , he’d gone perhaps a bit more insane with all the loops but _shh –_

It was not as if anyone needed to know about that.

Tony tilted his head back, feeling the rush of fire in his veins as he felt the dosage of Extremis he’d injected earlier. Just, another precaution and all that. A part of him loudly demanded to see the cube burn. By now, flames had started to lick at Tony’s fingers. The Tesseract seemed to glow brighter, almost as if incensed by the heat.

_What a fucking asshole._

The Mark LI started to appear, wrapping itself neatly around Tony. This one looked more like… he assumed it had been VII. His _baby_ , his small and precious _baby_ , the one that saved his ass and uh. Yeah. Actually – Tony wasn’t sure _what_ VII had saved him from, but it was a nice and sentimental gesture. Someone could go and die mad about it.

“Okay, listen, Tessi. This is a serious adult-to-adult-talk. Just you and me, no one else.” _Was he really doing that? Was he that desperate?_ “I want to get to Asgard. Preferably I would rather _not arrive_ at a spot where I get beheaded upon my magical appearance. Or get thrown into my immediate death because you think that you know better than me and are hilarious if you let me die. You might not think so but I’m not _always_ a fucking huge asshole who only does what he wants because nobody can stop me.” That was too honest. _Fuck_.

He cleared his throat. “I guess what I mean to say is, I would love it if you chose not to let me die this time around.”

No response. Not that he’d expected any – after all he was talking to some object here but _who knew_? Right? If Loki were here, he’d be mad proud of him. Pepper would only shake her head and wish he’d behave like that to all of his clients, he was sure of that.

_Wait, had he made Pepper into the CEO yet? No? Yes?_

That was something he had to take care about if – _when_ he was back, yep. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and stepped into the wormhole that appeared in front of him.

_Fingers crossed that this time it’ll work_ –

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony arrived in a forest. Leaves were scattered all around the ground, something that sounded like a bird whistled a few trees to his right. A few mushrooms that stuck to his visor from his landing. Tony wiped the remains away, only then to regret he missed the chance at inspecting a fucking _alien mushroom._ Okay, he was not here to play scientist – even if he wanted to. This was a serious mission. His heartbeat started to elevate when he realised that he _’d done it. Finally_.

That was worth every mushroom ever on his visor.

He still felt the urge to vomit but – there’d been less _burning_ going on this time around. Tony gave the Tesseract a kiss – some would call it a snog – then put it away carefully in a conveniently appearing bag. Bless and praise be Nanites. But Tony figured that the Tesseract deserved it. Even after all it had put Tony through. But in the end, it had gotten Tony where he wanted to be. _Fucking asshole of a glowing infinity forever and never-gonna-end-up-together stone._

He cracked his knuckles when he realised how silent it was in his helmet. He wasn’t used to so much silence anymore. “Good. J? Are you still here?”

JARVIS didn’t reply. Now that Tony paid attention to it, he saw that the light that showed his connection to JARVIS had gone out. Tony sighed. It was not unexpected – he had counted on that. He was miles away from home. _Galaxies, even._ He activated the Stealth Mode, still deep in thoughts.

The thought was – unsettling to some degree. But he would have to take care of that later. For now, he had to find Loki. Which meant looking out for a palace.

The thing about it was that the part of Asgard where Tony stood was full of trees. He hoped that this situation would improve when he was up in the air again. It would not do to fly for ages over trees, trees, and even more trees. But yes – the palace. It should be _easy_ then to find Loki in there, right? Someone would be bound to drop Loki’s name at some point. Tony couldn’t imagine the staff _not_ discussing their mischievous prince, not if Loki behaved on Asgard like he did when he spent time with Tony. A trouble- and mischief maker through and through.

Here was to hoping that Loki hadn’t felt like going on a trip to the outer realm today. _Maybe,_ but the emphasis here was on the _maybe,_ Tony should have asked about Loki’s plans for this day beforehand. Though – Thor’s coronation was slowly approaching and Tony couldn’t imagine that Odin would allow his youngest to stray too far away from home. After all, who knew if there wasn’t some damage containment that needed to be run? And who was better suited than Loki?

Tony snorted before he tried to shake his head free of all these thoughts. He bent his knees before he took off. Energy was thrumming beneath his feet as he cut through the air. He didn’t hear the slashing noise as he flew faster, already seeing the tall palace in the distance. His eyes were taking in everything around and beneath him. A few cottages here and there, horses, sheep, cows. People were running around, seeming not to care about what was flying over their heads –

_Right, he was invisible._

Also, the Asgardians had Thor. Tony had the distinct feeling that flying men weren’t an uncommon sight on Asgard. He had to take a hard dive to the left as a boat floated by, only hearing a distant muttering about, quote, “The winds are strong today”. That was, if Tony guessed correctly. The thing was that he didn’t _understand them_. The Asgardians. He was only guessing that _vindr_ meant wind.

He even flew a tad lower to have his systems pick up on the language, so he could run his automatic translation software that he’d made a few nights prior in a minute of genius, but –

The other thing that he understood was _líka_. Of course. _Please_. What the fuck else did he expect? It seemed so typical that he understood that one word that reminded him strongly of Loki. Someone said _sauðr_ while hoarding their sheep. Probably meant sheep. Foreign languages were something else. And Tony was truly procrastinating as he roamed over the vast expanse of Asgard’s forest.

Forests. More tree-islands that looked like one big forest.

Tony kept his eyes and ears open to anything that would come his way and –

_Oh sweet Macarena_ , who had allowed Asgard to be that huge? Tony saw the palace on his HUD, zoomed in thanks to his installed camera systems and geographical measurements. But for his human eye? The palace was barely visible. And he didn’t want to make too much of a sound because _fuck,_ Loki did have a better hearing. What did that say about the rest of the Asgardians, huh? Tony still remembered that the first time he got here, someone took it upon themselves to _behead him_ like he was a fucking _chicken._

As if he was in the middle of a Tim Burton movie who did his best to get a script together where he could kill his wife in a horrible and traumatising way. Lovely, just _lovely_. Tony wanted to cry, and then scream some more. He didn’t feel like laughing or dancing in triumph. The euphoretic feeling from earlier had left his system, leaving room only for doubt and scepticism.

Because to be honest? He wasn’t there yet. This was only another loop where he had to try his best. The thought that he could use the Tesseract only … came to his mind now.

_Fuck._

Tony drew abruptly short in the air, arms stretched to his side. _It would be worth a try, wouldn’t it?_ Tony bit on his lips. Fear sparked in him like a glimmer, stretched over his body and his limbs froze. The Tesseract rested temptingly light at his side, glowing softly blue. Nostalgia overcame him as he remembered his sea, his home – his memories he shared with the place.

He was the furthest away from his home he’d ever been. No one would find him if he got stuck. His hands reached to the Infinity Stone, and he looked at the palace. He squeezed his eyes shut then, praying to the fucking _cube_ that it would bring him safely, wholly, and alive to the window of Prince Loki.

No, Tony wasn’t sure at all if Loki owned one or if he lived in the dungeons like the Potions Master. But that was something he would only learn later, right?

When Tony opened his eyes again, he was floating much closer to a window he didn’t have a chance of seeing before. A pair of green eyes stared at him. Like, _straight at him_. As if Tony wasn’t invisible at all and his Stealth Mode had failed aeons ago.

“Loki,” Tony started to brabble. Brain was limping behind; his mouth was talking first. ” _Iofðungr mín, þangat ek em tala að þér–“_

“Whoever you are, bakrauf” Loki greeted him in his usual cold voice, “if you are not a fiend and do not wish to fall to your death, come in or leave the second.”

_Charmer_ , Tony thought before he flew over to Loki. To the silvertongue that seemed to find him even when he was invisible. A feat that Tony really was impressed by. He landed on quiet soles in Loki’s bedroom.

“Drop your charm.”

“My charm?” Tony asked but called his nanites back. He shivered as the cold air hit him. And Loki stared at him, mouth slightly agape and _astonished_.

_Didn’t count on that did you, asshole?_

Tony couldn’t say if he’d even seen that look on Loki before but – he had to admit, it fit him well. Also, it sure gave Tony an ego boost. Power that you never should underestimate. Tony sat up with a grin, bowed his head just an inch or three in front of Loki before he straightened his head again.

_“Iofðungr mín,”_ he greeted him. The words, familiar and practiced, rolled off his tongue like it was a sentence that had been put into Tony’s mouth as a baby. The grin softened and turned into a smile. Loki however, seemed to grow only more curious. His head tilted, surprise long since exchanged for interest and murder. Tony knew that look. The glimmer in these green eyes.

He swallowed. Blinked. Cleared his throat. “Hi. Tony Stark is the name.”

“You’re a Midgardian.” Loki stepped closer. “A mere mortal but one who managed to find a way into Asgard.”

Tony pretended he had to think about that for a moment. “Yep, that sounds like me.”

“Impressive,” Loki commented. “How did you manage to hide from Heimdall’s eyes?”

“Heim-what?”

“Heimdall.” A new speculative look entered Loki’s eyes. “Do you mean to tell me that you _haven’t_ encountered him and is the reason why you are not yet in Hel’s arms, bathing in her cold compassion and care?”

“Dude.” Tony chuckled awkwardly. “If I’m not dead then I didn’t meet either of those people. That much should be obvious considering that I stand in front of you.” He grinned. “Stop underestimating me.”

“But is it that or do you know more than you let on?” Loki laughed quietly. “You are a fascinating man, Tony Stark. The contraption in your chest, an Infinity Stone in your hands – one might wonder what you’re going to be up to.”

There was an infinite amount of possibilities and varieties with which Tony could respond to that. But – nothing felt right. The moment, the _decision_ – it weighed heavily upon him. His breath came in shorter intervals, but he wouldn’t let anything be noticed, at least not right away. He still had the time as _not_ to say something, not to –

Give in and have a freak out in front of Loki.

Someone who didn’t know him yet. Most likely suspected him to be a scout or a far too curious human who wanted to be turned into pudding. He tried to find a way to say what was on his mind: that he wasn’t here to kill Loki or his family. That he was a mere idiot on a mission to save the one he loved. Perhaps the last part not so much because Loki wouldn’t be impressed by that.

Because as much as Tony tried to deny it, tried not to acknowledge it: the words that would leave his mouth would decide over his fate. Loki wasn’t someone who’d have quarrel with killing someone in his rooms and claim it was self-defence. Adding to that, he was a _prince_. Not like anyone was going to question the corpse found in his room anyway.

_They could have played Sherlock Holmes._

Loki waited for him to answer with the patience of a man who had all the time of the realms in his hands. Wasn’t it screamingly unfair that this was most likely even true?

“I need to speak to you. It’s important, pinkie promise.”

Loki straightened his posture. “You said so when you appeared in front of my window.” He waved a hand in Tony’s face before he pulled it back, clenched into a fist. Held it up to his nose to smell on it.

_Was Loki actually trying to sniff out whether I was telling the truth?_ The thought amused Tony greatly. But then –

“You aren’t lying.”

“Yeah, no. Why should I?” Tony’s chuckle sounded awkward to his own ears. Who knew, Loki apparently _did_ smell lies.

But the truth to this all was that Tony had never played on Loki’s turf before and this _was_ his home. This was – something else, despite what Tony might have told himself earlier. Then again, he probably didn’t think of that in the first place because his thoughts were busy with other things; like being trapped and surrounded by hundreds of trees. The true burden of being an exceptional genius and all that. “What would I achieve by lying to you?”

“A poor attempt at garnering sympathy from me.” Loki gave a careless shrug before he pointed at armchairs that appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the room. “How about you take a seat and start your story. I’ll listen and judge quietly until you’re done.”

Now that sounded promising.

“How would you know it’s a story and not something mundane about taxes? Maybe I think you tax me too high for selling sauðr hides?”

“How big is the likelihood that a Mortal would wish to talk to me about taxes, and _sheep_ taxes that don’t exist no less, when you could also have your own department for that and even ask people about them who have learnt that trade?”

“Smartass,” Tony muttered.

“Indeed.” Loki walked over with him to the chairs. “Now. I am a busy man and you look as if you are going to grace the carpet with your face any second. Start with your story.”

Tony gave a nod, then started to talk. His memories were hazy; they were wild and not sorted at all.

He probably mixed things up in the run through as well but Loki only waved him off when Tony tried to correct himself; shook his head with a smirk and told him to continue. Following the narrative in a cohesive way didn’t need to happen when you were the god of Chaos and Mischief, apparently. Tony didn’t even try to argue with the logic, amusement curling in his chest.

His stomach eventually grumbled and his throat was dry; his voice hoarse.

“Do you take tea?” Loki asked him.

Tony nodded. Usually, he didn’t but – _when in Rome._ And right now, he’d even drink a glass of water if that meant that his throat would stop hurting so much. Perhaps he’d finally found a limit as to how much he could talk before his vocal cords failed him in their duty. Truly, this day would go down in history books, Tony was sure of that.

Loki stood up from his armchair. “Do you wish for something to eat as well?”

Another nod, but this time more befuddled. Why would Loki offer him not only drinks, but food as well?

“Hospitality is the sixth of the Nine Noble Virtues,” Loki explained to him after telling a servant to bring an early lunch for him, he was feeling famished. A clever way of disguising that Loki had a guest over who was in need of nourishments. “You are a stranger in my home; you have not attacked me, nor wished ill upon me or my family. You came here in need of _my help_ and I’ve so far seen no reason to withdraw my offer of hospitality. Despite your rude appearance, you make for a good guest.”

“Thanks?” Tony said quietly.

Loki tilted his head. “If you have the chance, look up _Hávamál._ I feel you might benefit and learn from reading about it.”

Tony mulled those words over until their lunch arrived. Loki gave him free reign over the offered goods; there was a bowl with boiled meat stew, some white vegetable was swimming around in there, something that Tony thought might be cabbage and beans. A loaf of bread that was still warm when Loki tore it into two pieces and presented one perfect half to Tony.

For one embarrassing long second, Tony thought about burying his nose into the bread. It _smelled_ that good, simple as that. After dipping the bread into the stew and biting into it, he could only _barely_ stop the moan. It tasted – _fucking good_. It was the sort of taste that Michelin-cooks were after, Tony was sure of it. He dipped the bread into the stew again, put some of the meat on it – only to melt seconds later as the tender meat hit his tongue. This time, he moaned – loud enough that Loki heard him and sent him a pleased smile.

Tony chose to ignore this moment of pure embarrassment, devoting his time to the lunch Loki had provided. The tea was a weird choice to serve with meat but – it was rather Loki. To drink something that didn’t fit the meal choice. Fondness curled in his heart. It was sweet to see that this Loki was _Loki_ ; that he was still the man which Tony had gotten to know and love well, that his chaotic ways hadn’t changed. 

It made Tony feel absurdly at home. But he noticed that the tea had a soothing effect on his throat - he had the cup half drained when it felt less itchy, less as if he’d bitten into a big mountain of dust and swallowed it all whole. He lifted the cup, his eyes wandering from it to Loki in quick succession. 

“Is something wrong?” Loki looked honestly troubled. 

“No.” Tony shook his head, amazed at how _normal_ his voice started to sound again. He drained the rest of the cup shortly after. The taste of wild berries filled his mouth, sweet and yet, not too sweet, as it prickled on his tongue before he swallowed it down. 

“Thank you,” Tony added when he was done. “For the meal and drink.” 

Loki inclined his head. “Do you feel ready to continue with your tale?” 

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Remind me where I stopped, I lost track.” 

“It does not matter. You will tell me what you think is important to me. I’ll piece the story together for myself.” 

That certainly was a generous offer. Tony was glad for it because – he kind of forgot where he’d stopped. But he did his best to pick the story up where he thought he might have stopped. However it didn’t take Tony long until he derailed from his story; now that he felt full of energy again and started to relax into the comfortable armchair his thoughts were spilling over and every time he finished one part of their story, another memory came up that needed to be shared.

And Tony told Loki all of them gladly. Whether it was about them pulling one over others, especially when Loki pretended to be Tony’s PA and left the competition speechless when they realised they’d gifted Stark Industries the majority of their shares and gave them the shares for other businesses atop it. That was exaggerated, of course. Tony wasn’t _that_ much of an asshole and Pepper had threatened them once to stop doing that because she thought she was CEO. Which she was but – that was the thrill of when he was spending time with Loki. 

There were also moments Tony loved recalling. Of when they sat together in silence in the workshop, each of them working on their craft. JARVIS who controlled the music and the bots, who urged them to play _Catch_ or helped them out, depending on their respective mood. 

Tony was fully emerged in the story telling when he realised that he was waving his hands around a lot. It became so much that he chose to sit on one hand, and only used the other to illustrate the greatness of them. He even managed to find some hilarious gestures for that one fucking day they had in most loops where they didn’t do anything inside of the house. Where all they did was to go to the movie theater and afterwards, walked in the rain, joked about how angry Thor must be that Loki was not where he had promised to be. Because Loki had chosen to be at _Tony’s_ side, not Thor’s. A warm feeling tickled all over Tony and Loki’s face turned serene at that. Tony hoped that there was more to that going on inside of Loki, that all these stories made him feel more than simple _joy_. Perhaps a bit of melancholy or more trust toward Tony. 

He made a point of mentioning _Four Loko._ Loki cracked a grin at the name, and when Tony told him of how dangerous the mixture was – the glee that spread over Loki’s face was wonderful to watch. The green in his eyes shone even brighter and Tony made sure to promise Loki that he was always welcome to visit him to try those. 

_Good, it was going – perfectly._

Loki eventually stood up and asked for a refreshment. He probably didn’t want to risk Tony growing hoarse again, as it looked like he was enjoying the stories to the fullest extent. 

“Thank you,” Tony said, because he _did_ have some manners. 

“You’re welcome.” 

“Anyway, before I continue–” Tony took a sip of the brew. It tasted fresh and – he couldn’t place the flavour, but it reminded him of lemon yet it _wasn’t that_. “What was that about Háva-meal?” 

“Hávamál.” Loki took his own cup and regarding Tony thoughtfully. “For all the stories you have told me, it would only be just of me to give you something back.” 

“Absolutely.” 

Loki smiled. “Gefendr heilir! Gestr er inn kominn, hvar skal sitja sjá? Mjök er bráðr. sá er á bröndum skal síns of freista frama. Elds er þörf þeims inn er kominn, ok á kné kalinn. Matar ok váða er manni þörf, þeim er hefr um fjall farit.”

“That was beautiful.” Tony toasted to Loki. “But I understood only a few words, so –?” 

“Consider it a challenge.” Loki’s voice was soft. “To learn and understand Asgard’s ways and customs, so that it may prove fruitful to you in your future endeavours.” 

“That’s so sweet of you, I’m going to cry.” Tony snorted. What else had he expected of Loki? It was never going to be _easy_ with that one, even when he gave him drinks and made sure he wasn’t going to keel over any second. It would probably ruin the aesthetic Loki was aiming for in his rooms. 

“You could form a sentence earlier,” Loki reminded him. “I do not see why you should have problems translating Hávamál.” 

“I’m absolutely not sure if I should hate you for doing that to me or aroused.” Tony tilted his head. “It’s a tough decision.” 

Loki chuckled softly. “You weren’t finished with your tale yet.” 

“I wasn’t?” Tony tsk’ed. “What a shame. I thought I was but if my prince asks, I shall indulge him for a while longer.” He managed to keep a straight face. Loki grinned back at him, apparently not seeing any need to hide his amusement. What a lousy player at this game. Tony shook his head but then wracked his head for more stories he could talk about.

In the end, he did find some more. There was this one remarkable loop where Loki and him had tried to play catch after all. 

“You aren’t lying,” was Loki’s decree after Tony wrapped his story up, a small reminder why he was here on Asgard. A gentle nudge, that he valued Loki’s advice greatly and that he’d sought _him_ out personally, not someone else even if the opportunity had presented itself. It had always been Loki. _Flattery got people everywhere._

Tony shook his head. Exhaustion was creeping up on him anew. His head started to grow heavy on his shoulders, the strain in his muscles became more noticeable as he sat there. When he looked outside of the window he’d entered through earlier, he noticed that it had become dark. There were a few stars sparkling in the distance, bright and white. He only spared a second to wonder if one of them was the sun in his solar system. But – yeah. Probably not.

“We both shall talk to the All-Father tomorrow,” Loki decided in a calm tone. “For now, you need to rest and gather strength because I cannot imagine that you’ll be able to keep your eyes up for much longer.” 

It was astonishing how right Loki was. Tony stifled a yawn. “It was a long day,” he agreed quietly.

“I imagine so. Come with me. There is a guest room which you can use while you stay here.” Loki’s hands were gentle on his arms, but firm. They pulled Tony upright and against Loki’s chest when his knees gave in. It was as if his muscles had already gone to sleep and hadn’t bothered telling him beforehand. Everything felt _numb_. Embarrassment coloured his face and he did his best to keep his face hidden in Loki’s chest. They stumbled more than they truly walked to the guest bed. Tony let himself fall into it with a dramatic sigh, all thoughts about grace and elegance abandoned. The pillows cushioned his mostly ungraceful fall and Loki chuckled quietly.

“You are a remarkable man, Tony Stark. And a curious acquaintance as well.”

“You’re my friend,” Tony muttered but he doubted it left his mouth like that. His tongue felt too sluggish to move correctly and half of his face was buried in eternal softness that smelled of lavender. _Lovely._ Tony smiled into the pillow in contentment.

Loki replied quietly so as not to disturb him. Maybe. Tony couldn’t be sure of that as he felt himself slip away, his eyelids too heavy to keep them up any longer. 

**~ ∞ ~**

Waking up in a strange bed was not a foreign concept to Tony. Even before the loops had started, he’d sometimes woken up in a motel bed and left on quiet feet, before his companion would wake up. Of course, Tony paid the bill because it had been he who invited the other out. 

Yet, it still came as a surprise to him when he opened his eyes in the morning and warm sun rays tickled his nose. He could hear the faint clinking of a cup against wood. _Loki is taking his tea._ A smile spread over Tony’s face and he allowed himself to rest a moment longer. His heart rate was speeding up when he started to realise _who_ was waiting for him.

He had _not_ woken up in the cave. He hadn’t thought he would, of course. But he couldn’t deny that the possibility had been there. However big or small, he was glad that his wager seemed to have paid off. Tony loved the feeling of success, that he was doing things the right way. Not that he had had any doubts about this. Never. 

Waking up on Asgard felt wondrously like being on a holiday. A dream that almost wouldn’t have come true for Tony. But he knew better than to praise the evening before the morrow had passed. He threw the cover aside with the energy of a cursed morning owl, swung his legs out of the bed. A new set of clothes was waiting on the armchair from last night for him. A door made of dark wood had been left ajar. It led straight into the bathroom; coloured in a soothing white. A few pale blue spots here and there, subtle golden accents on the water basin, the handle for the bathtub. 

Water was pouring into the tub; a whiff of lavender tickled Tony’s nose. _Loki was full of lavender it seemed._ Or he was only trying to calm Tony which was highly likely given that Tony had a freakout yesterday in front of his friend. As one did, oh so very casually. No, Loki was right to drug him with lavender. A subtle manipulation but one in Tony’s favour. He generously allowed Loki to have his game with him because he trusted him. If he were a stranger – then Tony wasn’t all too sure he’d let this slide without any comment. 

Okay, maybe Tony should worry about it, no matter how much he trusted Loki. Because as of the moment, everything was still one-sided - mostly, he wasn’t a fool. 

However, Tony was sure that these bottles lined up on the rim of the bathtub were his shampoo and body lotion. The bath was definitely meant for him and Loki was as subtle as Hammer used to be. 

The only way this could be a slip was that Loki had developed a liking for _Noir_. But Tony didn’t believe that, not after the struggle he’d gone through with Loki from time to time when it came to purchasing the perfect shampoo scent for him. _A diva after his own heart._

When Tony slid into the water, he groaned as the warmth engulfed him. It wasn’t _too warm_ , just the perfect amount of warm. He wasn’t going to boil tonight on Asgard - no Tony Stark al dente. _A glance into paradise,_ Tony thought in what could only be described as bliss. His muscles were relaxing. His eyes fluttered shut as he took the time to just - enjoy. There hadn’t been time to do something like that in a while and, no one looked a gift horse in the mouth, right? 

Tony left the bathroom a while later, dressed in a dark red tunic and leather pants that were… a _good fit_. At least they were comfortable. Shoes were waiting for him outside of the bathroom. 

“Are you hungry?” Loki appeared out of nowhere. 

“Yeah.” Tony gave a shrug. 

“I had something delivered.”

“Is there any coffee per chance?” 

“Coffee?” Loki tilted his head and Tony felt his heart break. That was a pretty sure sign that there was _no coffee._ Honestly, he had no idea how he would survive the day without any kind of caffeine. He _needed_ it. It wasn’t just pure lust that made him crave the bitter beverage; Tony depended on the drink like others depended on nine hours of sleep. Completely ridiculous but that was how it _was_. 

“I’m sure there is some coffee for you. If not, I shall retrieve it from Midgard.”

Tony felt touched. “Black. I take my coffee black.” 

“I never understood the appeal of coffee,” Loki said quietly as they made their way over to the next room. It was not _huge_ , but certainly big. It felt like walking through a President’s Suite in an overpriced hotel. Only - with a personal touch to it which some hotel suites lacked. Books were scattered everywhere; on the ground, on a chair, on the table even, serving as a piece of decoration. “I find it too bitter. And it has a soothing effect which I never count on.” 

“Ooh _yes.”_ Tony sighed, a dreamy note in his voice. “The soothing effect. Yes. Oh my shit, yes.” 

Loki shot him an incredulous glance. 

“What, no cursing allowed here?” 

“It is more the mildness of the cursing.”

“Ah.” Tony nodded knowingly as he sat down at the table. “Let me guess, on Asgard you only use the big, bad words.” 

“Why else would one curse?” Loki offered him butter but Tony declined, preferring his toast without. 

“To save the big words for a really fucked up dilemma?” 

Loki gave a thoughtful _hm_. “Do you curse a lot, Anthony?” 

_Anthony._ Warmth curled at Tony’s stomach as he reached for the coffee. Loki calling him ‘Anthony’ was a good sign; a symbol that everything was heading the right way. 

“I do, yes.” He sipped at the coffee. It tasted wonderfully bitter, an ode to his sleepy brain, written and composed by Acids, anhydrides. 3,5-Di-caffeoylquinic acid, Trigonelline, Putrescine, Theophylline, Furans and all the other 1,000 chemical compounds coffee had. He could _feel_ the smile on his face as he took another sip, basking in the hot liquid as it ran down his tongue, almost too hot to enjoy. It was just the way Tony loved his coffee. 

“Asgardians tend to curse only when something unexpected happens or when a ‘fucked up dilemma’ occurs.” 

Tony _heard_ the quotation marks. “You should curse more often. It’s absolutely unbecoming for a prince.” 

“I leave the cursing to Thor. Rather I save the cursing for –” 

“–When I appear in front of your window? My.” Tony reached for his chest. “I cannot say how much this pleases me. A curse word, from your lips, just for me. _Iof_ _ð_ _ungr mín,_ the honour.” 

Loki gifted him with a dry look. In fact, it was so dry that Tony swore he stood for a second in a desert, the sun shining unforgivably down upon him. Then, Loki’s judgemental eyebrow shot upwards and Tony grinned. No, he would not stay serious, not in this situation. He would have to do a lot of serious later when he was confronted by Odin. An acquaintance Tony wasn’t looking forward to at all. Not, after he’d learnt so many _wonderful_ things about the king of Asgard. 

“Kidding.” He winked extravagantly at Loki before he devoted his time to the bread in front of him. It was time to choose the jam and Tony was definitely not disappointed when he found blueberry jam. So far, much to his displeasure, Asgard was winning. It had coffee, jam, good food, healing tea, and _Loki_. 

What wouldn’t Tony give to have Loki with him in his home? Far away from Asgard, far away from all sorts of trouble – out of the loops too. 

In overall, breakfast was a sweet and slow affair, just how Tony liked it. Loki was an excellent talker and kept the conversation’s flow up easily; he didn’t seem to be much of an eater in the morning unlike Tony. He’d barely nibbled at the apple but had already finished off one mug of tea. 

It was almost embarrassing how long it took Tony to understand what Loki was doing. He tried to talk to him as if they were more than strangers – more friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while. Yesterday had clearly touched him and made him think; a wish that Tony hadn’t dared to hope he’d see fulfilled. But when he’d finished his bread, and an apple for the sake of being in Rome, he stopped overthinking how to interact with Loki. Simply joked with Loki and challenged the brain that he knew slumbered in the other. Talking of prodding the sleeping bear and all that. 

When Loki finally sported a heated look in his eyes, Tony made sure to tease him over the amount of books Loki owned. He was aware it was a bad idea to tease a booklover but c’mon – _reaction._ That was all that Tony wanted from Loki. In return, he got teased about his primitive entrance through a window when Loki was aware they had grasped the concept of doors by now on Midgard. 

What a fucking ass. Tony admitted to himself that he might just have fallen more in love with Loki than he already was. He was falling down the rabbit hole, yep.

Yet, despite all their combined efforts – their delay had to come to an end. 

They got up from the table when the sun was no longer shining directly into Loki’s rooms but had wandered and almost reached its zenith. Their plates had been empty for a while now, the coffee and tea pots full of nothing. There was no more excuse to sit around and _talk_. Tony already missed it. He smiled, feeling melancholic and brushed away the small crumbs that had assembled on his tunic. 

They left Loki’s rooms with quick steps, almost running down a long hall. Tony was the one who did the almost running – Loki simply strode the hall along because _someone_ had thought it was fair to make other people too tall. Major design flaw if you asked Tony. Shorter was better because it was more convenient and _yes_ , he had a lot of thoughts about being the perfect size. 

They walked up a staircase, down another one. Their steps echoed as they walked through a hallway that looked abandoned. Then they met a few servants after taking a sharp turn to the right. The servants stared at them – especially at Tony but, yeah, that was _okay_. Truly. Loki behaved as if he didn’t see them. It was almost like being trailed by a bunch of paparazzi. Maybe Loki truly didn’t notice them though, lost in his thoughts as he was. His steps were heading towards the throne room but his head had been forgotten in his rooms, that was how it felt to Tony. But he let Loki stay in his thoughts. They’d talked enough earlier.

Tony knew that the worst was yet to come. If this was how Loki collected himself for whatever was going to happen – please, he was Tony’s guest. 

The soldiers who guarded the gigantic doors to the throne room hurried to pull them wide open when he and Loki approached them. Loki’s face was stern. _Back in the game, aren’t you?_ Tony wondered silently, then came to a stop beside Loki. That was probably against the etiquette, considering the most venomous looks the soldiers gifted him with. But well – Loki hadn’t told him not to do that, so Tony figured he was safe. Perhaps the guards were just angry that they had to move the doors. Who knew with them? 

The room fell silent - or was already silent - when they entered. Tony felt Odin’s gaze on him, heavy and exceptionally one-sided. The sheer amount of gold around him was suffocating, the total of brummagem in one room alone, it reminded him of Hammer and how he had to add, to add, and again, to add to his already extravagant personality. There was no stopping for him. _No taste._ Admittedly, Asgard’s throne room didn’t look bad but the person on the throne just _ruined it,_ in Tony’s very own personal and professional opinion.

For a moment all they did was stand still. Finally, Loki broke the silence and introduced his guest, Anthony Stark, from Midgard. Tony didn’t get the feeling that he was supposed to say anything yet – nothing he was against because when Loki talked to Odin, the chance was higher that he didn’t _accidentally_ insult the king. A feat that wouldn’t do anyone any favours, especially not Tony. He hadn’t forgotten how quickly he’d lost his head that one time. 

“Step forward.” Odin gestured for him to come forward. “Would you oppose me taking a look at your mind?” 

_Yeah,_ was what Tony thought. “Absolutely not, feel free to,” was what he said. 

His fucking mind was his fucking treasure. But – refusal wouldn’t end well, it was a rigged game, nothing less, and Tony was even polite about it. 

Odin’s hands on his temples were warm, the look in his eyes surprisingly curious despite the stern edge in them. _A king, what else did you expect?_ Tony took a deep breath as he felt Odin breach his mind. 

It was … different, than when Loki read his mind. For one, Odin wasn’t exactly _inside_ of his mind. He wasn’t trying to _see_ the memories, which Tony was truly glad for; he was more intent on learning the purpose of Tony’s visit to Asgard. _Why it had to be Loki_.

Tony didn’t need to close his eyes either, this was - interesting. And sorry as Tony was to admit it – Odin was more careful with how he interacted with Tony’s mind. He was _gentle_ , a touch that was barely there whereas Tony _always_ had felt Loki’s presence. _So not perfect in everything yet, are you, Lokes?_

When Odin drew back, satisfied with the answers he’d gotten, Tony noticed a man with a giant sword who glared at him as if Tony had personally offended him. Only when Odin called _Heimdall_ forward; to question him how a mortal could have passed his ever seeing gaze, did he realise who the man was.

The dude who had made love with his neck via his sword. What an ass. Heimdall shot him a dirty look. Bitter satisfaction churned in Tony’s stomach as he watched Heimdall justifying how a _mortal_ had slipped through his fingers. 

Loki was thrumming with glee as far as Tony could tell. Almost like there was no real love lost between them. But – Frigga smiled gently at Tony. That was _more_ than just one point in Loki’s Mom’s favour. But the smile disappeared again after a few seconds and got replaced by a carefully neutral expression. Heimdall got dismissed with a sigh from Odin. Suddenly he looked true to his age. Thousands of years old and more, burdened and bound to the golden throne beneath his ass.

Nobody dared to breathe into the tense silence. Tony even tried to stop fidgeting on the spot. Whatever was going on inside of Odin’s head right now – it was important and uh, hopefully in Tony’s favour. Not that the next words would be, ‘off with his head’. 

“There is something we have to talk about with you, Loki.” Odin looked at his son in a defeated manner. A shit feeling rose in Tony’s gut and he stepped closer to Loki. He knew what was coming but – perhaps he hoped that his presence alone would protect him from that … _wonderful_ experience Loki would receive. 

They called for Thor as they walked down another golden floor, the whole royal family, including Tony. Loki looked understandably nervous. His face was blank but there was a pale sheen to it that Tony associated with nervous excitement. That … didn’t promise to end well.

_You poor soul._

Tony felt like vomiting on the floor. Nerves, you know? And Loki was royalty so he couldn’t go and vomit in public. Therefore, like a true friend, Tony would do it for him. Soon. 

**~ ∞ ~**

The following days after were … ugly. Tony spent them all mostly at Loki’s side but he wasn’t sure if he was doing all right. Loki was yelling, a lot. He was cursing too and there was more gibberish falling from his tongue than Tony had ever heard before. The calm hours of their breakfast felt as if it had transpired years ago. 

“I’m the spawn of _Laufey.”_ Loki stared at his hands, daring them to change their colour. Tony smiled bitterly, feeling sympathy for his friend. “They lied, Anthony. They lied and I never realised. How dare I call myself the god of lies, when I can’t even figure that one out?”

“You were too close,” Tony offered quietly. “You were raised in that lie, Loki. And why would you assume that your family would withhold such a secret from you?” 

“Indeed.” Loki’s face turned cold. “My _family_. Which one are you referring to? The one that lied to me for all my life or the one that abandoned me in snow and ice?” 

“The first one.” Tony tilted his head. “Not sure if I’d call the latter your family in any way at all. They pretty much wanted to kill you.” 

“And this one doesn’t?” 

“Not for the moment.” Tony gave a shrug. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Lokes. What they did to you was fucked up. That they didn’t think to tell you at some point in your life is even more fucked up. They –” 

“Fucked up, yes.” Loki rolled his eyes. “Thank you for that wonderful assessment, Anthony. It does help me a lot.” 

“Ey.” Tony pointed with a finger at him. “If you want to take your anger out at someone, tell me and then we can go and fight for a round outside. But don’t think you can yell at me for the bullshit your family did to you. Because that wasn’t _me.”_

“Have you not kept my heritage from me as well for years of your life? For hundreds of our encounters?” 

“Oh, are you going there?” Tony lifted a brow. “Because then let me tell you; I _tried_ to tell you of your heritage. Multiple times. And it _never_ worked out. You died, I reset, something else went wrong. You got shit-faced once with me. _You_. I went with you to a weird garden somewhere to tell you in secret. I told you while we were swimming. Don’t you _dare_ twist it so that I never told you. I did what I could.” 

“You could have –” 

“What? I could have done _what_?” Tony arched his brow. “I didn’t try to dump you on Neptune, or throw you into an ice-cold bath. I think that you should cut me some slack for that because that could have gone horribly wrong for both of us.” 

Loki saw red. Or blue in this case. Yes, Tony thought he was funny. But then he almost got grilled by Loki as he exploded in rage from the inside out. Hot green fury ran over him, the table was flung across the room, a chair found its home as it crashed against Tony’s stomach. He doubled over in pain, wheezing. 

_Drama Queen,_ he thought fondly and waited for Extremis to heal the damage. What a great idea that serum had been, honestly. 

Loki stared at him in shock. 

“Anthony, that –” 

“All good.” He waved Loki’s concern off. “You feel any better now after you got that rage out of your system? Or at least, for the next hour?” 

A nod. With that, all the fight left Loki’s body. The rage that held him straight and upright, evaporated into nothing and his spine crashed, his knees buckled. What Tony witnessed was the fall of a prince, the unveiling of a man who did not even know his own self anymore. 

Tony crouched down next to Loki, a hand on his shoulder. The quiet _‘Hey, I’m here’_ that always seemed to work. It broke a damn inside of Loki and not much later, Tony found himself comforting his friend who screamed himself hoarse into Tony’s shoulder, wetting the tunic, and held it clenched. Tony said whatever he thought would help, would soothe his friend. Most things were meaningless rambling but Loki didn’t tell him to stop, so Tony continued. 

Eventually though Loki calmed down. 

Over the following days it became clear as the sky for anyone who bothered to look that there was a rift in the royal family. Odin looked older, Frigga was visibly _colder,_ Thor seemed to be lost and Loki? Loki was the epitome of mood changes. He went from being cold to aloof, to sad, to angry, to bashing everyone’s heads in during training, to being a friend to Tony, to refusing to call his parents by anything other than their titles. It was a wild ride to experience. 

However what mattered the most was that Loki did _not_ go on a rampage this time. Nor did he leave for Jotunheim to piss off the people there. A huge load fell from Tony’s shoulders when he realised that Loki had no indications of doing so.

Instead what happened was that Loki showed Tony around Asgard. It was apparent that he was in need of fresh air and welcomed the distraction Tony could provide. They went to a small market, about a day’s ride away from Asgard. Tony had fought to use his armour but apparently that would not be seen as _polite_ , to refuse to join a prince on a ride or something like that. Tony wasn’t sure if Loki hadn’t lied but – what was some minor fear of horses when he could spend minutes at Loki’s side. Right? _Right._

They bickered about who got the biggest plums they’d purchased at the market. Enjoyed some Asgardian mead together in the shadow of a tree. Tony got the unwatered version because both Loki and he were curious to see how Extremis would fight with this brand of alcohol, and he’d been strictly told by Odin beforehand not to consume _any_ alcoholic beverages so – Oops?

But the mission was a success, of course. Tony was singing songs for what felt like hours, and his head seemed to fit perfectly in the spot on Loki’s shoulder. And Loki was in an exceptionally good mood as well, probably thinking about what they could do next. It felt wonderfully normal and if it weren’t for Loki – Tony was sure that most taverns would have refused him entrance as they started to visit those to uh, get more samples on how alcohol worked with Extremis. 

_For Science,_ they told each other. It was all for science. 

Tony couldn’t get enough of it.

Though all time had to come to an end. No matter how peaceful it was. Tony couldn’t risk the loop reseting – not when Loki seemed safe, but there were other things waiting for him to do. Like checking if he’d made Pepper into his company’s CEO yet, buying out AIM and getting rid of Killian, uhm – 

Yeah. He was a busy man, after all.

Odin asked him to give up the Tesseract. Tony didn’t mind that suggestion at all. He was rather glad to give the cube away. It was out of his hands now. He’d been assured that the Tesseract would be safe, locked away in Odin’s vault. There were multiple other dangerous artifacts, Loki had told him in secrecy. It was as safe as it could be. The only problem Tony might face was that from now on, he couldn’t get back to Asgard whenever he wished but –

Tony doubted he had to return to this planet. Loki was as safe as he could be, aware of his heritage and coping with it as well as he could. Now it was time to focus on himself again. He’d honoured his promise to Loki. Probably in a different way than he’d expected but – he’d done it. End of the story. 

Still, Tony felt mostly grief as he walked down the rainbow bridge. Loki was at his side, not enthused at the thought of Tony’s upcoming departure at all. They’d spent almost two weeks together, and with Tony leaving – Loki had less of an excuse to avoid his family. 

The good thing about the Tesseract staying on Asgard was that SHIELD wouldn’t be able to get their paws on it again. Tony sincerely doubted that SHIELD would try to start a war with Asgard – and even less so when they weren’t aware that Asgard existed. _Right,_ that reminded him that HYDRA was lurking inside of SHIELD. He’d have to take care of that too. 

Yeah. Good thing he wasn’t busy or anything of that kind.

“Did I ever thank you, Anthony?” Loki asked out of the blue. The colours from the bridge danced over his face.

“I have no idea. Have I thanked you yet for your hospitality?”

“No need to do so. It was a pleasure and an honour from my side.” Loki’s mouth twitched in amusement. “There is a bottle of good mead waiting for you at home. And if you need any more readings on the Tesseract, feel free to let me know. Asgard owes you a big favour for bringing the Space Stone back to us.”

“That wasn’t my main focus when I got here.” Tony shrugged. “But now that you offered it, it sure would be rude to decline, right?”

“Indeed.” Loki’s eyes danced with mirth. “One might even take it as an offence against the crown.”

They reached the golden capsule at the end of the bridge. Heimdall stood in the middle of the room, already awaiting them. The sight of his hand on the sword’s grip made Tony feel anxious for a second. Then he remembered that Loki had killed him multiple times and wow, would you look at that? Suddenly a beheading didn’t seem that bad anymore. 

“Thank you,” Tony said again.

“For what?” Loki inquired softly.

Tony only managed a smile as sadness overwhelmed him. _This was a goodbye._

A punch to the gut would have been easier to deal with than that. Because now – that Loki knew everything – there was no reason anymore for him to see Tony. His hospitality had ended and – just because Asgard owed Tony a favour didn’t that mean that it was Loki who’d carry it out. Tony wanted to leave. And yet, at the same time –

He didn’t want it to end. Who the fuck wanted nice times to be over? Back then as a child, he’d been confused about the shortness of holidays. Didn’t adults grow fucking sick of having to work so often? Only then to realise that adults worked even more than assumed because Howard didn’t leave his lab for hours and –

“Do I get a goodbye hug?” Tony asked. He needed one. Loki’s eyes lit up and the next thing Tony knew was that he got pulled into Loki’s embrace. He slung his own arms around Loki’s middle, his hands gripping the shoulders; pressed himself as well as he could against the Trickster, his _friend_. Tony closed his eyes and enjoyed the hug for the moment. He wouldn’t mind if this moment never ended. 

But it did when Loki drew back after what felt like no time at all. Tony walked to the other side of the room and stared at Heimdall. If the dude drew the sword again, then –

But the only thing he got hit with was the colourful beam, and oh _fuck, he knew that one –_

He barely managed to get inside his mansion before he threw up. Ran into the bathroom and hid in the shower. Had warm water rain down on him.

Tried to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations :D 
> 
> Iofðungr mín, þangat ek em tala að þér = My prince, I'm here to talk to you   
> bakrauf = anus (asshole, as we'd say it) 
> 
> Gefendr heilir! Gestr er inn kominn, hvar skal sitja sjá? Mjök er bráðr. sá er á bröndum skal síns of freista frama. Elds er þörf þeims inn er kominn  
> ok á kné kalinn. Matar ok váða er manni þörf, þeim er hefr um fjall farit 
> 
> = Hail to the giver! A guest has come; Where shall the stranger sit?  
> Swift shall he be who, with swords shall try The proof of his might to make. Fire he needs, who with frozen knees. Has come from the cold without; Food and clothes must the farer have,The man from the mountains come.


	14. Chapter 14

Being back on Earth was interesting. It hurt, it did good, it hurt. Actually, Tony wasn’t sure at all what he was thinking or feeling because his mood changed so often, it was hard to keep up with it. It was exhausting. But he carried on as if his heart hadn’t been broken. Because who the hell broke his own heart voluntarily?

Tony tried to tell himself that he’d done good. It was _better_ that Loki was safe than to have him at his side. After all, hadn’t he known that there was no reward waiting for him at the end? That he’d done too much evil to get something nice back? 

But in all this time, Tony made sure that Pepper became CEO again and focused on destroying HYDRA. Tony did that with a new-found passion. Because he was extremely daring and had Extremis still in his veins – because why give up something that worked wonders? – he sometimes fought without his Mark LI; just hand-to-hand combat like in the good movies. 

Out of all the armours he’d built, Tony believed this one to be his favourite. It formed by the power of his mind, and adapted, _shifted_ , into providing what he needed it to. A true brain’s masterpiece. 

When he showed the suit to Rhodey, his friend whistled loudly. _That_ reminded Tony that Rhodey needed his War Machine suit and talked to him about it. They thought for a while about injecting Rhodey with nanites too. But, they eventually came to the conclusion that the military wasn’t ready for that _yet_ and sometimes – sometimes it was better to show off what you had while others played dirty and kept it secret. Tony still couldn’t say if that had been a poker metaphor or what the ever loving hell this had been.

A big brain moment though, that was for sure. Just he hadn’t been the big brain. More the big booty. 

But all the talking and brainstorming reminded Tony of buying out AIM and offering Maya a job at Stark Industries. He had the feeling she and Pepper would get along splendidly after a while – their common topic to bond over seemed to be him, after all. _Tony did this, Tony did that, Tony still does this, Tony still hasn’t learnt that. But Tony also – Yet Tony this,_ yadi-yadah. You know how it was. 

Tony made sure though to stay clear of Natasha and Pepper for as long as he could. He was _happy_ for them, no doubt about that. But he’d – just fucking sacrificed his own heart _again_ and they were here, together, and all lovey-dovey in front of his salad. Rubbing it in, however unintentional it was. Tony didn’t want to see it or bear it for a minute longer than was strictly necessary. It put a minute strain on his relationship with Pepper but Tony was confident that it would be mended soon. And she had Natasha to distract her, _so_ – 

It was fine.

Aldrich was soon put into jail for exploiting soldiers and blowing them up. Obadiah’s trial was still going on, but Stark Industries’ lawyers were doing a great job there. He attended, feeling so detached that he got scared. Afterwards, that was. JARVIS made him read about Personal Dissociation Disorder and call a therapist because –

Quote from his incorrigible AI, “ _Sir needed one.”_

Tony didn’t need a therapist, thank you very much. All that he needed was more of the Asgardian mead that helped him to keep grief at bay. Not a fucking _therapist._ But he called an office anyway to set up an appointment. Paid good money to make sure she wouldn’t go running to SHIELD because he had the fear that the agency was on his heels. Because the Tesseract hadn’t come back to SHIELD yet and wasn’t traceable. _Oops?_

But Tony called bullshit on the Disorder. He was convinced that he suffered more from being alive for too long, having to remember too much. The human brain wasn’t made to see so much. But yeah, someone try to sell that to a therapist. The next thing would happen was that Tony got medication and declared unfit to be on his own, suffering from hallucinations. Yep. No need for that in any way at all. So he better went along with getting diagnosed with another disorder, it wasn’t like that was any big deal. Should this loop go wrong, then the diagnosis would fall away on its own. Not that Tony wanted or believed this loop would reset. But – 

Yeah. 

This was fascinatingly complicated.

It was one of the few times Tony could stand being alone. When he had his Tony Stark thing going on, and pissed people off on the left and right. He hated the feeling, the knowledge that he’d done his part because the loop fucking kept going and – yeah. He shouldn’t feel so frustrated at that, should he? Mission accomplished. Now just to keep on going and hope that all his efforts weren’t in vain. Loki fucking deserved _not_ dying, no need to talk about that. It was the truth, the simple truth and all that. Just –

Tony didn’t have to like it, did he? When the time went on and he was here. His friends were happy, the terrorists were slain. Nurse Carter got what she deserved for uh – yeah, whatever she’d done? Tony wasn’t all too sure anymore, not – he could only remember her face after he’d checked the hospital staff for _Carter_. There were a couple of them. Only one of them seemed to have a _Peggy_ vibe around her.

He threw frisbees for DUM-E and U. Cleaned the workshop when he felt bored – yeah, even _he_ could feel bored. He pushed forward with his newest suit. Although Bleeding Edge _was_ cool and a real badass, there was more to it. Tony felt it in his bones. And he tried to chase the feeling of loneliness away, the sting of jealousy as he remembered Loki. The way Thor seemed to be _chastised_ upon learning of Loki’s secret. Odin’s weariness but nonetheless – his attempt to try to do _better_. 

Tony fucking hated that Odin _tried_ because if he _tried_ he couldn’t be as angry anymore as he used to be. He couldn’t hate the bastard on principle anymore. Because fucking hell, Howard could have –

It was injustice, cruel and – 

To Tony it seemed as if _Loki_ finally got all that Tony had ever wanted for himself. All those small and quiet wishes that never left his mouth because he knew that it was pointless. 

Parents who _knew_ what they did wrong and had to stand for it. A _friend (Tony)_ who brought comfort in dark times but was forgotten as soon as problems were solved, and new chances had arisen. _He couldn’t stand himself anymore._ Tony fucking – fucking couldn’t look at himself in the mirror anymore. 

What fuck ass of a friend was he? His hands were starting to tremble again.

Into what kind of man had he turned into by the loops? Here he was, clinging onto the memory of a man who didn’t know him, who _owed him nothing_. And he tried to – keep him to himself as if Loki didn’t have the freedom of choice. _It wasn’t Loki who was the monster, no matter how much Loki had tried to convince Tony of that._

There was only so much that Tony could tell himself, JARVIS could tell him that this was natural and just, the cause of what had been going on with him.

His friends were still happily unaware of everything. They had asked of course where Tony had been. When he’d been on Asgard, and left without saying anything really. JARVIS had managed everything, Tony said he’d gone on a muchly needed vacation. They’d understood. Because he _went through sooo much_ , didn’t he? Poor Tony, that he was.

Again, he was being unfair to them.

Unfair, harsh in his assessment and a heartless bastard atop it all. He couldn’t sleep when he had these moments. Had to run to his workshop with sleep ridden eyes, and worked, created – only to wonder the morning after about the walking toaster that played Pop music. Why the fuck Pop? There were no answers to that. 

He was sitting on a new invention that could help with his memory and his brain. BARF, that was the name for it. Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing, that was intended for therapeutic pursuits in the future. People would be in desperate need for it, Tony was sure of that. 

Sometimes Tony stared at his life. He didn’t know where he was. Only, that it was going forward and he felt – alone. As always. Like it had been in the beginning so it was in the end. The life of Tony Stark, the man who went through shit only to still be the loser. Great movie, he was sure. People sure would enjoy his suffering on screen.

And the worst part? He couldn’t _stop_ thinking about Loki. The separation, the _farewell_ they had shared in the gold – absence made the heart grow fonder. And Tony wished that Loki was well, that he _was_ happier now. Only he wanted it to be with him. Wanted to hear his rich, dark laughter again, see the crinkles under his eyes and pull Loki in for a kiss. One out of many, they would share until night broke and then, even more.

**~ ∞ ~**

Imagine his surprise when he had one of those dark episodes again, sitting on his couch, feeling lacklustre and freezing in the brightest sunlight. It was the end of May, apparently. Time had lost all meaning to him. Everything was the same to him as it _wasn’t_ at the same time too. He could – do nothing. Everything. The loop went on. And his episodes were – still there but the antidepressants helped when he remembered to take them when he wasn’t drinking. Or had too much caffeine in his body.

He was a disaster on two legs.

But he still heard the gentle knock against his giant window. It was _nothing_ of the sort he expected, because people didn’t knock when they stood on his fucking balcony. Tony’s head rose. 

And his jaw dropped when he saw Loki standing there. In a leather outfit, made of green and black, falling around his body as if it was tailored. Loki looked – _good_ , he supposed. There were no glaring dark circles under his eyes anymore. Even if Tony swore there were some as he stood up to let Loki in. Like a good host.

“Anthony, félagi mín,” Loki greeted him with a soft voice. “It’s good to see you again.” 

“Loki.” He couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice. Tony didn’t even want to. “Do you want a drink? A Four Loko?”

_Please say yes. Join me for a drink. Please, please, please –_

“I’d love to.” Loki sauntered over to the couch. He looked comfortable there, and he sat there like the couch had been made for him in mind.

Tony sat down next to him, so that their thighs were touching and gave Loki the green Four Loko. “Cheers,” he said with a grin and toasted. _Loki_ – He couldn’t stop grinning with Loki being there all of sudden. 

“Oh.” Loki closed his eyes after taking a sip. 

“Good, isn’t it?”

“To be dreadfully honest,” Loki said, “it exceeds my expectations and they were high from beginning on.” 

Tony’s grin only won in broadness. “So, how have you been doing on Asgard?” 

“It has been dreadful without you,” Loki admitted bluntly. “Thor has gotten cocky again and Odin still wishes to see Thor as the heir and on the throne.” 

“He never learns, does he?” 

Loki snorted. “He is too old to change his ways, I’m afraid. How do you like the mead?” 

“It was amazing.” Tony sighed. “Sadly, already used up.” 

“Why didn’t you say something?” Loki tilted his head. “I could have brought some with me. I was under the assumption that –”

“And how was I supposed to contact you?” 

"Anthony, sváss mín. You managed to contact me in other loops as well. Do not tell me that you forgot how to do that.” 

Tony looked away, feeling embarrassed. “Oops? It slipped my mind in the chaos. Well, not chaos, it wasn’t chaotic enough funnily enough.” 

Loki looked disappointed at his words. “I see,” he said quietly. 

“Hey!” Tony poked Loki in the ribs. “No pouting. This loop is quite new for me too. Basically every day is a new experience. Can you imagine how _weird_ that is to me?” 

“Yes.” Loki smiled bitterly. “I can.” 

“Well then.” Tony rose his own glass again and tipped it gently against Loki’s. “I’ll do better next time, pinkie promise.” 

“Indeed.” 

They shared a moment of silence. 

“Did –” 

“ _WAIT!”_ Tony sprang up from his seat. “I didn’t give you yet the Extremis dosage for Odin, did I? I forgot about that.” 

“Oh.” Loki cleared his throat. “Yes. You’re right.” 

“Oh sweet Fuck. JARVIS, next time remind me of something important like that, yes?” Tony nodded. “I’m back in a second. I think I have enough Extremis laying around from when I went to Asgard.” 

“You _have?”_

“Yeah, of course.” Tony shrugged. “I played with the thought of using it for psychological purposes. But then I thought about all the other last times I played with it, and how _wrong_ that went and decided to err on the side of caution and rely on technology. The new baby is called ‘BARF’. A real winner and -–” he took a deep breath. “Anyway. I’m back in a second.” 

With that, he took off and ran towards his workshop. He brought it to Loki a few minutes later, excited and feeling victorious about _having done that right._

“Thank you,” Loki said softly. 

“Ah no. No big deal.” Tony waved him off. “Are you going to give it to him now or –” 

“I’m here to visit my friend.” Loki frowned. “Unless you wish for me to leave, I intend to stay until tomorrow.” 

“Oh.” Tony blinked. Blinked again because he felt _emotional_ and that meant that someone had cut an onion open somewhere. “Well, your room is set up and I have a few more Four Lokos that you should try.” 

Said, done. 

Tony ordered food in because he was a nice host like that. Then Loki and him decided to try more Four Lokos and somehow, started to talk. If there’d been any awkwardness at the beginning - there hadn’t been, but insecurities were an ass - it evaporated quickly. Tony slang his legs over Loki’s lap at some point and started a movie because _movies_ were awesome, and Loki needed to watch more of them. 

If that also provided a good opportunity to watch and study Loki’s face in the darkness, then that was purely accidental and not planned at all. Tony refused to call himself anything less than ‘subtle’. But he looked. He craved. At some point he grabbed Loki’s hand because he wanted to feel those fingers entwined with his and –

He was only going to hurt himself in the end. He was aware of that. But – Tony couldn’t stop himself. So far, the loop had gone _well_. Loki had come to visit him on his own. That had to mean something, right? There was a tiny sparkle of hope inside of Tony, one that he refused to extinguish. 

_Just this one thing, please._ Because Tony wasn’t sure if he’d manage to make it through another loop, had to face Loki again, only to have this start all over. He was sure that he’d simply … crash. And stop. And somehow? He would probably find a way to kill himself, until nothing more than a functioning shell remained that ran the loops. Like a robot. 

He was sure that he’d could program a code that would manage that. 

For now though, Loki was here with him. Cool and yet, _warm._ Such an impossible mix that it was no wonder to Tony he’d gotten addicted. When he made a joke about something that happened in the movie, he felt Loki’s shoulders shake with laughter next to him. His fingers squeezing gently and Tony squeezed back, just – allowed to indulge himself for a little while.

**~ ∞ ~**

Loki left the next day. The mansion suddenly felt cold and hollow again as if Loki had taken all joy with him. 

Tony didn’t know how to feel. There was the big bonus that Loki had taken Extremis with him to aid Odin but –

He tried to tell himself that what he felt was excitement. He wished _it was_ what he felt. But – for now it had to do with gratefulness. Hope. Crushing defeat because it felt like he’d gotten a glimpse of what _could be_ , but not yet something that he could _have_. It killed Tony on the inside. 

_Loki was doing all right._ Not _splendidly_ but nobody asked him to feel that way. He’d spent time with Tony, he’d _missed him;_ if Tony was allowed to interpret the visit like that. 

With Loki leaving again, he simply took a chunk of Tony’s heart with him. Unknowingly or not, it _hurt_. 

But – 

To avoid once again falling into the hole Tony had barely made it out of in the first place, he called Rhodey. Asked him if he wanted to take a trip to the skies or was open for a visit in whatever desert he was running around this time to search for lost idiots. He barely managed to bite down the addendum, _who didn’t deserve it anyway._

He didn’t think that Loki would come back. Not that Tony had anything against Loki coming back, like hell he did. But a week later, there he was. Knocking against the wood, a smile on his face. He entered the living room and Tony’s heart seemed to burst.

 _Back, he was back._ There – _Loki was here_.

“You’re back,” he breathed.

“Of course.” Loki grinned. And then he pulled Tony into a hug because – 

Yepp, Tony had absolutely no idea at all why but he wasn’t going to complain. The opposite, in fact. He melted into the embrace and hid his face in Loki’s neck, just tried to breathe and take in what he got. 

Everything fell into place again with Loki being there. He stayed longer, talked with Tony about _everything_. Didn’t say anything when they had one of those hours again. Created stuff that made Tony smile fondly and pizza tasted like it was supposed to once more. Less like _ash,_ like nothing more than an obligation he had to fulfill. No. It finally tasted of real fucking good food again. 

Loki even told him something about the Bifrost that Tony stashed away in his brain. He’d let Jane know about it shortly. Could do some good stuff for her, all that _knowledge_ about wormholes and all the billions of particles that were divided by travelling with the Einstein-Rosen Bridge and then put together correctly and not – _somewhere, somehow._ Such an easy way to collect them all and hold together in one place. Fucking _Asgardians_ and their fucking _dark energy_. Tony couldn’t bite back the frustrated growl.

On the next visit, Tony ordered a giant pizza and –

Backed away as Loki’s presence filled the room so much that he started to feel anxious. _Loki_ was a prince and – Tony didn’t do anxiety. Didn’t do panic. 

But somehow it hit a place in him that made him run, hide, and have DUM-E stand in front of him protectively. His head was resting against the cool surface, DUM-E’s quiet whirring soothing him.

Loki joined him a while later after JARVIS gave him apparently a sign that it was okay to join Tony. His breathing had calmed down, his shirt felt wet and his mind numb. All Loki did was to sit down next to him, a plate with pizza slices in his hands and they ate quietly. Loki put a cold hand on his nape that did wonders for Tony, it helped to ground him even further. Slowly, his heartbeat started to normalise again and his breathing sounded less _harsh_ and angry. 

_Friends_ , Tony eventually realised as time went on. They were _friends_. Loki made sure to stay in contact – now that his drama was _settled_ and Odin not about to fall into his Odinsleep any second. Apparently, he had a bit of a smoke going on when he breathed out but Loki found it only hilarious. Tony did so too. And was happy that Loki didn’t call him out on the modification.

**~ ∞ ~**

It was the end of June, maybe closer to July than Tony wanted to acknowledge to stop rising hope, when Loki told him that he was still helping Tony out with the loops. If he so wanted. If Loki was still _welcomed_ to do so. 

He’d never seen Loki hesitant before. Abashed. Careful. As if he was unsure whether Tony still wanted to have him around. Tony wanted to scream. “Yeah, of course,” he replied roughly. Swallowed.

Loki breathed out in relief.

They were quite a pair, weren’t they?

“All right. Any ideas, Shakespeare?”

Loki nodded slowly. “I want to take you with me, back to Asgard.”

_“What?”_

“Asgard.” Loki licked his lips nervously. Tony stared at the now wet spot with longing. Desire crept up on him in quick strides. “You’ve already been there. Something that has never happened before and Odin will allow you back. Frigga and I made sure of that.”

“Is that why you never took me to Asgard prior to this?” Tony wondered out loud.

“Yes. Odin would never allow a mortal on Asgard as it is decreed by law.” Loki smiled bitterly. “And smuggling you in would only cause a drama and be seen as an act of treason, no matter the reason or that I am a prince of the realm.”

Tony tasted sorrow in the words. “Okay.” Tony shrugged. “I’ll go and shower. Then we leave?”

“Don’t you wish to inform your friends of your departure beforehand?”

 _Right._ “J, be so kind and let them know that I’m –“ he looked at Loki, “Hanging out with a friend and will disappear for awhile. No need to worry.”

_“That sounds incredibly reassuring, Sir.”_

Tony shooed his AI before he disappeared into the bathroom.

Travelling to Asgard. How exciting! He only wanted to vomit in the shower at the thought of travelling through space again. _He fucking didn’t want –_

But he couldn’t let Loki down. So he just – sat there in his shower. Let the water fall as he sat beside the stream. _He’d forgotten the washcloth outside._ And he couldn’t leave now because – _Loki would hear and think he –_

Disgust rose in him. Panic held him where he sat. Water was running. He shivered and rocked back and forth, hiding –

Tony wasn’t sure how he’d gotten back to Loki, still feeling so very out of it, his mind whirling and racing. His heart was beating quickly and JARVIS expressed his concern over Tony’s well-being. Loki looked at him with worry in his eyes. Then, green surrounded him and Tony – felt tired. His eyes fell shut and Loki – was there. Smelled like Loki, at least. Everything calmed down.

He woke up in a bed that smelled faintly of lavender.

“Anthony?”

Loki’s voice was close to him. Tony opened his eyes groggily, a soft sleepy noise escaping him.

“I put you into sleep before we travelled here,” Loki started to explain.

 _Ah._ Tony nodded, forcing himself to sit up. There was golden light, mixed with the blue of the sunlight. It was – Tony couldn’t express what it made him feel. _Cathartic_ would describe it pretty well but even so – not quite the same.

“Okay, what’s the plan?”

“We’re using the Soul Forge on you,” Loki told him and magicked a mug of coffee up. “Eir and the other healers will be able to see what is going on more clearly.”

“That sounds scary.” Tony took a sip from the brew and closed his eyes in bliss. “Let’s do it.”

Loki laughed.

**~ ∞ ~**

The Soul Forge itself was just a quantum field generator. Nothing to be excited over as an Asgardian, but Tony pretty much drooled all over it. Especially when he got asked to lay down on it _clothed_ and saw with his own two eyes and nose how the generator worked.

“Loki, I’m going to steal this,” Tony announced without regret. “This is too cool to keep for yourself. Do you even know how much–“

“Anthony, do be calm.” Loki sounded amused where he stood. “The healers can’t work if you keep rambling and moving.”

“Oh no.” Tony tutted at himself. “After all, we can’t have that.” He did his best to be quiet after that and let the others do their job.

Loki started to frown. Tony saw it.

“Eir, the energy around him –“

“Is strange for a Midgardian.” The healer nodded. “Extremely powerful. Prince Loki, could you find out what this energy is, now that we have a concrete reading on it?”

 _“_ Wait, a _concrete_ reading?”

Loki winced. “I took a portrayal of you while you slept on my last visit.”

“Oh, did you?”

Loki had the audacity to nod and not to look abashed. _Well, go him._ Tony decided not to make a scene about it. He’d done things too that would make others shake their heads and kill him, so – what the ever loving fuck did it matter?

Loki grasped the _energy_ , his eyes closing as he focused before he nodded at Eir and gestured for Tony to follow him.

“So, now what?”

“Now I’ll go and find out what the energy reminds me of.” Loki shot him a troubled look. “I have a suspicion. Let us hope this is not the case, Anthony.”

“That bad?”

“Worse.”

Good thing that Loki knew how to cheer others up.

**~ ∞ ~**

Loki led him straight into Odin’s vault. The guards didn’t try to stop them, not with the face Loki wore.

“Isn’t the Tesseract in there?”

“Yes. And it is exactly what we’re going to look at.” Loki shot him a troubled look over his shoulder. “Let us hope it isn’t –“

They stopped in front of the Tesseract and Tony put a hand on it when asked. The cube glowed brightly under his hands, for a moment even brighter than usually. _Fucker_ , Tony thought with some fondness.

Loki stared at him and at the Tesseract, the _energy reading_ floating in front of him and slowly, understanding dawned on Tony.

“I have a similar energy to it?”

“Yes.” Loki sighed. “It is not quite the same but – the energy that is troubling you is similar to that of the Space Stone.”

“Lovely.”

“Indeed.” Loki pinched his nose and Tony smiled at the sight.

“What does that mean for us?”

“That we have to look for the Time Stone.” Loki’s face twisted and Tony’s stomach did something ugly. “We’re close to figuring the secret out, Anthony, do not worry.”

“I don’t worry.” He shrugged amusedly. “Where’re we going next?”

“To Odin.”

 _Lovely._ Tony wanted to vomit again. Fathers. Exactly what he needed right now.

“He knows more about the Infinity Gems than I do,” Loki explained to him as they walked all the hundreds of stairs back up.

Good grief.

**~ ∞ ~**

The knowledge that the Tesseract? Time Stone? Whatever, one of those _Infinity Stones_ had caused Tony’s troubles, let Asgard go wild. The part that knew about it, at least. To say that the entire realm was in uproar would have been a bit too much of an exaggeration. Odin told them about the other stones and Tony’s mind was – exploding. A little bit. What a wild thing to hear that everything was caused by some weird stones.

What they needed and didn’t have yet was the _Time Stone_. Because obviously, that made sense right? Tony couldn’t say it didn’t but – yeah. He hated being in a realm that believed in Stones so much that maths stopped making sense all over. _Stones._

Loki laughed at him but made sure that Tony’s stay on Asgard was enjoyable. Sassed him when the meat they got served was black and all inside of Tony screamed _not_ to eat it. He also taught him how to drive a flying boat and okay, _that_ was cool and could be useful for the future. Tony tried not to think too much about how amazing it would be to have these things at home.

That being said, Tony _missed_ being at home – just not as much as he should. He took the time to study on Asgard, hang out with Loki and fought with him. With Extremis running in his veins it was more than just a delight – and Loki _cheating_ with his magic, Tony with his –

The Asgardians weren’t that fond of either of them. Tony couldn’t stop laughing about it and eventually, it melted Loki’s stoic bitterness and turned it into sadistic humour. They said they cheated? Loki took Tony on a hunt when Thor was catching a break from hunting the Time Stone and the others, and they had the biggest fun chasing the prey away. Thor glared daggers at them. But, Loki told him to wait, a bigger catch was always found at the end and in fact, they did him a favour. Even if he couldn’t see it yet.

Tony’s eyes went wide as a giant wild boar crossed their path.

“Sæhrímnir,” Thor breathed in amazement.

Tony looked at Loki questioningly. “That’s a wild boar.”

Loki hushed him. “Do not mock it so.” There was a fondness to his voice. “Sæhrímnir is a wild beast. We haven’t seen one for in a long time.” He winked at Tony. _Yeah, what a coincidence it’s crossing our path today_. They started the hunt for the wild boar, the troupe yelling in excitement and Tony held onto his horse as well as he could.

 _Asgardians,_ Tony decided, _were weird._

**~ ∞ ~**

It took four days following the wild boar feast for Thor to come back to Asgard.

Tony was almost too nervous to stand still as Thor presented his catch, a glowing green amulet. Good thing that it didn’t look creepy at all. But he wasn’t the only nervous one in the room. Loki kept shooting him glances, his back remarkably straight and Tony winked whenever he caught the other looking at him.

Odin had his hands on the Time Stone, Frigga at his side.

“Loki?” Frigga eventually called her son forward. He joined them without further ado. Tony smiled. Despite everything it was nice to see Loki talking, _working_ with his family. Even if there still was a grudge, one saw it if you bothered to look long enough and take all the small details in. Though on the other hand, Tony knew Loki better than the rest of the royal family so he saw how Loki tried to be distant when he remembered, the sting of betrayal cutting too deep.

Green light danced around the green stone and Tony found himself thinking that Loki’s green was nicer. Not, that he was playing favourites but – yeah.

Loki’s head whipped up and he stared at Tony like he’d seen a ghost in his stead. White, wide eyes, and shock, _dismay_ maybe even. Tony didn’t understand what was going on.

“Anthony,” Loki said. Incredulity coloured his voice heavily. “I-“ He frowned, threw a searching look to Frigga. But she only nodded, nearly imperceptibly. “The loops you have been experiencing, they –“

“What?”

“They have nothing to do with you directly.”

Tony snorted. “Oh, I figured that out a long while ago.”

The royal family stared at him like he’d lost his mind. Tony gave a careless shrug. “What? It’s not like I sat around and twiddled my thumbs. I _had_ to figure out a way to even get here. This is neither my first, second, or fiftieth loop. Actually, I’m so deep into them that I lost count.”

“You know they have nothing to do with you?”

Tony nodded. “I’m just –“ he chuckled coldly. “A tool that someone wanted, and still does, use.”

Odin frowned. “Why would you think that?”

“Because the loops had a pattern to them that I recognised too late.” Tony looked at the ceiling for a moment, blinking tears away as pain washed over him. Memories, feelings – recalling everything. “The loops stopped with my death. At first and for a long time I kept thinking it was about me.” He tilted his head. “Then, I realised that an event also looped me. For a long time I didn’t know _which one_ but –“

“What event?” Frigga asked but there was a grim look around her eyes.

“Loki’s fall from the Bifrost.”

Choked noises of surprise.

Tony only felt coldness. Hollow because he’d been on Asgard for so long and he’d been _assured_ that everything would be unravelled with the fucking Time Stone. But – nothing of that sorts.

“Loki’s death _always_ happened on June fifth. I think at least it was that. I worked out a way around that. But, my mission was, is, to stop Loki’s death. I’m only not sure if it is _because_ of Loki or –“ Tony drew in a breath. “If it is because what happens after that.”

“Why would you think that?” Odin. Emotionless.

Loki, silent.

“Because obviously it’s something that I haven’t seen yet.” Tony suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. “It’s the only thing that still makes sense with all this bullshit.”

Loki was still silent. A part of Tony was worried. A different part was pretty pissed.

“We’ve got the Time Stone-“ Tony started, “Can we –?”

Frigga nodded. Tony wasn’t sure what he’d wanted to say but – to be honest, he didn’t care because it seemed the great Asgardians had understood either way.

Loki grasped the amulet. Looked at Tony. Closed his eyes before he let the other green consume him.

 _Glitch in the Matrix,_ Tony thought darkly amused when Loki’s image started to – flicker back and forth, back and forth. Like a really fucked up animation in a movie or a video game. But he said nothing, stared only intently at Loki. He wanted to know – wished to _learn_ what was beyond his experience. A look into the future before he had to start from scratch again.

Loki came back to them with a gasp, his eyes flickering wildly around the room. Stuck to the ceiling the longest though, Tony noticed.

Then, “Always so secretive,” Loki mumbled. He sat down on the ground.

“Loki?” Tony asked quietly. “What did you see?”

“The question would be more what I didn’t see.” He snorted. Turned to Odin. “How about you call your _Oldest_?”

Tony didn’t like how he emphasised that word. Neither did Frigga, apparently. That was how Tony realised he was in the middle of just another giant Family Drama. His family seemed tame in comparison. There was a bit of drama with a British Spy who was his nanny, his godmother Peggy who’d been another spy, his dad who’d been _Howard Stark_ and Maria Carbonelli who – seemed to have been the most normal in that bunch.

A bitter chuckle left his lips. He joined Loki, sitting on his heels in front of him, silently communicating. _Understanding_ the grief and sorrow of the other, the marks of betrayal all over them for the other to read. This – this _hurt, anguish_ – was what Tony had needed to cause Loki to _save him?_ The irony wasn’t lost on him. Did that even make sense, so much pain – _for what?_ Tony hoped it was a good explanation because otherwise –

No idea _what_ but he’d think of something.

Thor still stood there confused because – wasn’t he the oldest in the family?

“She’s not allowed on Asgard,” Odin eventually broke the stony silence that hung above them like a delicate sword. “Never again.”

Loki snorted. “Then it is time to begin.” He casted a weary look around. “Clear the room.”

Tony stood up, gave Loki a hand and was pleasantly surprised when he found his friend taking it.

“Asgard is going to be destroyed.”

 _Okay._ Tony wanted to laugh, or cry. Or both. Both sounded good to his ears.

Loki kept on talking. “Ragnarök is coming, _eldhusfífl._”

“ _Loki!”_ Frigga interrupted her son in a sharp tone.

Tony smiled.

“-Because of it, Asgard is going to be destroyed. But only Asgard.” Loki’s mouth twitched. “The harbinger being me but the cause of it is someone else to prevent the _real_ harbinger. As we all know, the Nines _cannot_ exist, cannot stand in an equilibrium if the brain is missing and Yggdrasil-“

“The tree?” Tony asked.

“The tree,” Loki confirmed quietly. “Yggdrasil becomes unbalanced and the entire system will collapse. Our universe will be gone, wiped entirely off the map, nothing more than another void.”

 _Lovely_. Tony swallowed.

“It wasn’t necessarily about me,” Loki said with a faint smirk as he turned to Tony. “But I’m delighted to hear that you think I’m equally as important as the future of all the worlds.”

“Of course, sugarlips.” Tony threw in a wink. He felt faint in his knees. “What – Why has it been me, then?”

“Your arc reactor.” Loki looked at him, a curious glint in his eyes. “It is – It _feels_ similar to the Tesseract.”

“Can’t be,” Tony argued out of reflex.

“I fear it is. At the beginning of all this – you got hit by a beam from the arc reactor, didn’t you?”

He couldn’t say. Loki smiled at him, then pressed his fingers to Tony’s temple.

_He knew he was asking a lot of Pepper but– he held onto the glass ceiling, a grim determination settling in him – it would be better if Obadiah and he went out together. The only hope at this point was that Pepper wasn’t going to hold herself responsible for his death. She could worry about other stuff. Like, that no one was going to hurt her or make her life more difficult. Take care that his Platypus would be doing all right without him. Oh, and that the weapon manufacturing was still put on hold but honestly, he trusted Pepper. She was amazing._

_So, yelling at her to just press the button and blowing them up? Surprisingly easy._

_The arc reactor glowed intensely –_

_It was blowing up. All he could think for a moment was, ‘That looks like it’s straight coming out of a bad science-fiction movie.’ Then, everything became bright in the dark sky –_

_He closed his eyes. Accepted his fate._

_It was hot, his suit had been hit –_

_He opened his mouth in a silent scream, the brightness vanished, city lights were all that was left._

_The Iron Man suit was heavy. His chest hurt._

_Was Pepper all right?_

_The first thing he saw was Obadiah tumbling over the edge, falling into the arc reactor below him and –_

Tony opened his eyes with a gasp. It –

_Fucking hell –_

“The arc reactor,” he muttered numbly. “The designs, they were by Howard, I only did some configurations with the big one but it was mainly Howard. And –“

_His dad had been working with SHIELD._

“The Tesseract, you said?”

Loki nodded.

“There’s a chance my dad might have based the design of the arc reactor off of it.” _Fucking coincidences._ He felt numb again. Loki took his hand in his, rubbing circles over it until blood started to rush in or got warmed up. Tony couldn’t care, grateful that at least _some part_ of himself was starting to work correctly.

“Yggdrasil recognised a part of her in you,” Frigga said softly. “The reactor in your chest might have marked you as a part of her, and you, the other reactor, it all got bundled up and she threw you back in time, realising how dire the fate of the Nine would be if it continued the way it did.”

“To make it short.” Tony cleared his throat. “A tree realised what was going to happen, saw the energy that was familiar to hers, then threw me back in time to make – _save the universe?”_

Loki nodded.

Tony liked the shine of admiration in these green eyes. That felt – nice.

“Okay. I’ll freak out later. But what is going to happen next?”

“Asgard will take the necessary steps to prevent Ragnarök from happening,” Thor announced calmly. He’d been quiet so far. _Wow. Growth?_ “Father will make sure of that, won’t he?”

Loki laughed quietly.

Tony only smiled at that, the sound doing wonders to him. Wonders and – _good stuff._

Only when they were back in Loki’s rooms, settled down on the couch in front of the fire, did it dawn on him.

“If Asgard – prevents Ragnarök from happening.” He thrummed with his fingers nervously against his thigh. “Then, does that mean – the loops are over?”

Loki gave it a lot of thought before he answered. Tony appreciated it. Nothing – _nothing_ would hurt more now than a truth that turned out to be a lie. There’d been too many of those already in his life. He wondered if he’d even stand a chance against surviving the crash of his world falling apart, turning into yellow light again. Pessimism didn’t make him think the likelihood was high.

“I think so.” Loki sounded calm. “There is no way yet of knowing if what Odin will do is what is the best for the Nine or is enough to stop the loops. But –“ And Loki twisted to the side until his mouth was at Tony’s ear. He shivered when Loki’s breath reached him, goosebumps rising on his arms. “I’ve _seen_ the future and the past, Anthony. More than _one,_ I _know_ what can be done to stop the loops from happening.”

“Will they stop?” Tony asked quietly, his eyes burning into the flickering fire.

“They will.”

**~ ∞ ~**

Tony knew he needed to have trust in Loki. _Could have trust in him._ But – he’d been gone through so much that – simply believing someone’s word, however truthful they were –

It was difficult. But – it would eventually, when the loop was over? Was it over? Or would this one continue forever? Though Tony tried his best not to go down that path. It led only to a dark future where he despaired over his fate in a different kind of way. Here he was, in _August_ , the loop – his life – still running. He was Iron Man. He was Tony Stark.

His friends knew he’d been in loops. It had been – a tough way to break it to them. Tony decided to do it by talking a zoo into renting him a groundhog for an hour, then gave the animal back to its carer. Tony still cackled when he thought about how the animal was called Phil Connors. _Fucking idiotic name._

There was no need to give Loki a new identity this time around. Tony changed his lights from yellow to orange. Just, everything but no reminder of the cave.

He had to move forward, not – be thinking about how maybe this was his last day. He went to bed fearing he’d wake up in moist air, Yinsen’s nightmares next to him, his own still alive. Haunting him. But – Loki was here to teach him about shielding his mind from unwanted intruders. There’d been a couple of Harry Potter jokes and _occlumency._

When Tony looked at Loki, he felt a sense of happiness that didn’t seem to wane. Was still there, only grew deeper as time went on. There was – more flirting. Tony had –

Logically, he knew that Loki was taking care that the loop wouldn’t reset. Which meant that they – _could_ go for something more serious. Something deeper. Something that Tony had been chasing for ages, only held back by the fear that was gnawing at him like a rabid fox. He wished that he was Iron Man – stealthy, cool, invincible.

But the truth was, he was Tony Stark. Iron Man didn’t help him here. Loki smiled at him tenderly which only led to Tony’s heart bursting with unvoiced words and emotions. Hands lingering, eye contact, a breath –

Back to normal. Giving in to the fear, running his life as well as he could. He could do better –

“You’re thinking too much again,” Loki told him quietly. Tony looked up from his Starkpad, the pen forgotten in his hand. “You think and think, oversee what is right here.”

“What brought this on?”

A wink of mischievousness. “I’m only waiting for you to jump over the Bilgesnipe.”

“Is that supposed to make sense?” Tony bantered.

“You know what I mean.” Loki poked him in the chest, just where his arc reactor was. “You know that we’re dancing around each other. That we could do – _be_ – more if you’d let us.”

“Oh.” He cleared his throat. Overwhelmed. Surprised. “I guess?” He whispered, putting the pad aside. “I –“

“I know.” Loki sighed. “That you’re afraid that we will reset.”

Tony could only nod. Didn’t know how to read this situation. This – feeling that was boiling up inside of him. This tenderness, the fear, all making him feel like he needed to get up and run, as far and as fast away as possible.

“We’re still here,” Loki added in this soft voice that made Tony melt. His defences broke in, he noticed. Crumbled like an old castle. “Anthony, mín sváss. Would it not be worth more if you’d enjoy every moment that you have? Challenge your fear, stand over it and come out victorious?”

Tony nodded. Shook his head. “But if I reset – then –“

“You’ll be back at square one.” Loki nodded. His hand rose to brush over Tony’s cheek. A feeble smile flitted over his lips as he enjoyed the touch. “But you know what to do. This is the longest the loop has ever lasted. Don’t you think more confidence would be the best approach now?”

“I don’t know.” Tony didn’t. He only saw Loki, sitting beside him but turned so that they looked at each other. There was so much openness in Loki’s face, _want_ pooling from his every pore. Tony swallowed as he took it in, realising that this was _for him._ Not because of what he’d shown Loki but – because they simply –

Fell for each other.

“Let us try,” Loki implored him. His other hand came up to cradle Tony’s face. _Anthony, sváss mín. Láta þik kyssa.“_

There was nothing that would have made Tony resist this. Not when it was offered so sweetly, a bait he wouldn’t dare to resist. Not when it dangled in front of him, pleading to him to give in –

Kissing Loki was – falling. Flying. His hands came up to hold onto Loki’s shoulders, running his fingers through fine hair. Lips moving as if they were fighting together, another force of never-ending power, warm against cold, a hint of salt. Lemon in the air, warm light dancing over their faces and Tony’s eyes fell shut. Allowing himself simply to do what he’d been wanting to do; living the moment.

He wasn’t thinking of consequences, not now – not when he broke away to breathe, to kiss Loki again with more fervour. Pulled him in until he felt him against him, his whole world became Loki.

There was no lie.

Only soft gasps, whispered assurance that this was not the last kiss they’d share – to kiss each other again, clothes slowly being stripped away. Tony couldn’t stop – couldn’t believe that this was real when Loki pressed him down, kissing him with more – more everything. His world was carefully taken apart under hands that seemed to know him better than was allowed. Nothing about it was fair but Tony – couldn’t, wouldn’t complain. Not, when Loki looked at him like he was his most coveted prize, the centre of his universe.

Loki was Tony’s _x_. His only constant in his life. The one who’d been there, invisible or not and –

Made him feel something that Tony had missed. Excitement. A fire that was not going to stop, that only grew. He pulled Loki in with his legs until no segment of time would fit between them, giving it no _chance_. Not anymore.

 _Tender_ was what Tony called it in his head when Loki started to thrust inside him. His mouth was there where Tony needed it; his lips, his throat. At his ear, telling him that they would not go back –

Only forward, only ever forward from this point on.

 _Faith_ was what grew in him, as did tension – his gasps turning sharper, louder. Loki’s fingers interlacing with his, a squeeze. A promise that needed no more words, not when all was said and done. His eyes closed, too much of everything, of Loki doing wonderful things to him, and let go –

He was shattering on his couch, saw Loki fall apart above him and thought that this –

 _Was more than all right_.

 **~ ∞ ~**

Tony’s nightmares were centred around waking up in yellow light. The fear often swallowed him at night, keeping him in its clutches, wouldn’t let him – breathe. Panic was more often than not the emotion he felt when he woke, his eyes still closed, lingering at the brink between sleeping and being awake.

“Did I ever tell you about the one time I tricked Odin into believing I was Thor, disguised as Loki?” Loki’s voice was soft in the darkness. 

Tony shook his head. Listened carefully to Loki. 

“A shame.”

Tony felt Loki shift and not long after, green light filled the room. It was not too bright, but it was enough that he could recognise the features of his lover. The troubled look in his eyes as the green flame floated between them. He noticed that it pulsed in a certain rhythm and tried to match it with his breathing. 

“It happened five years ago,” Loki began. “We had a delegation from Vanaheim visiting. It was bound to be horribly boring as most Vanir are. Therefore _I_ was obligated to bring more fun into the whole affair. Thor agreed to help me, at first. That was until one of the Lord’s brought their daughter with him and all of sudden, Thor had better things to do than to help me out.”

“How rude of him,” Tony whispered. 

“Absolutely. It was betrayal, nothing less than that.” Loki tsk’ed. “He fancied her, she obviously took a liking to him as well because he is the Great Thor, the great oaf of Asgard with muscles, how could she resist?” 

Tony laughed under his breath. 

Loki winked at him. He took one hand of Tony’s into his, his thumb rubbing circles into Tony’s skin. “The delegation was supposed to stay for two weeks in Asgard. It gave everyone enough time to haggle over the contracts and make new friends and enemies alike. It also gave me enough time to let Thor and Danae flirt and have them caught by a few servants at the most inopportune moments. So when I decided to act, it was no secret to anyone that Danae _loved_ Thor.” 

“Oh no.” Tony took a deep breath. The green flame started to shine more yellow as his heartbeat calmed down. 

“I made sure to _borrow_ Thor’s soap when I bathed in the morning, so that everyone would believe me easier. Then I waited for Thor to be called by Fandral, who’d found by pure chance, some geldr the night before on his way home. They were out to spend the money, and get drunk.”

“What a coincidence it was that Fandral found … money?” 

“Indeed.” Loki nodded gravely. “It must have been fate, there is no other explanation.” 

“Sure.” 

“Don’t doubt my word, farar.” Loki shook his head. “I made sure to run to Odin like I forgot my upbringing, my hands clenching and trying to call for Mjölnir. Of course, the hammer did not come to my hand but everyone saw me running around like that, and asking for _Loki_ to be found because he’d swapped our bodies. And I was _yelling_ and shouting, everybody thought I’d gone mad.” 

Loki took a second to collect himself. Tony did what he could as not to start cackling in the lifting darkness. 

“Then Odin appeared and asked what the yelling was about, if I have no _decorum._ The people did their task for me and told him that I was _Thor_ , trapped inside of Loki’s body and wanted to see justice. A group of soldiers was sent out to retrieve Thor-me, who came back to us, bewildered and not that sober anymore.

“He was asked to call for Mjölnir and the hammer of course, came to him. Which was believed to be an even greater trickery of myself and Thor was _not_ believed.” 

“And then?” 

“I touched him and Odin did some magic, and suddenly I was back in my own body.” 

“He _bought it?”_

“Yes.” Loki looked like a cat who got the cream. “I was then punished to go with the Vanirs when they went home, and write down the spell in one of their books in the library, and had to help their magic users.” 

Tony couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “They _rewarded you_?” 

“Of course they did.” Loki’s grin grew wider. “After all, I stopped their daughter from falling in love with Thor and shortened their stay on Asgard.” 

“Of course.” Tony rubbed a hand over his face. “Your mum?” 

“She told me off for sullying my own reputation.” Loki sighed. “In hindsight, it wasn’t the most clever thing I ever did, but I don’t regret it. My reputation was slandered enough anyway, a prank more didn’t matter on the greater scale.” 

Tony gave a thoughtful _hm_. 

“Do you feel better?” Loki asked him gently. 

“I do.” Tony smiled into the green flame. “Thank you,” he added quietly. 

Loki shook his head. “There is no need to thank me for that. I’m glad though if the story cheered you up.”

“I think it made me sad towards the ending.” 

“Ah.” Loki sighed and laid back down on the mattress. “I admit, I was running out of ideas at the end to cheer you up. But the beginning and the middle worked, right?” 

“Did you _lie_ to me?” 

“No, I just told you that it was a story.” Loki chuckled then pulled Tony back into his arms. The blue glow of the Arc reactor reflected on his pale chest. “And it served its purpose, didn’t it?” 

“... It did,” Tony admitted reluctantly. “Next time though, a happy end would be better.” 

“Next time,” Loki promised softly. 

The green flame was still shining above their heads and Tony fell back asleep, this time without any trouble. 

**~ ∞ ~**

Rhodey greeted Loki into their mad family with open arms when they decided to make it _official_ , or something like that. Not, that they’d tried to hide it in any way but – Yeah. There was a “them” now. Pepper told Loki cheerfully that if he started to neglect Tony he’d wake up one day without balls. Loki could only laugh at that, before he pulled Tony in for a kiss that made them clear their throats or take pictures. JARVIS was the one who made those. 

Thor didn’t turn king for a while, and Tony wondered if Thor even still would in this century. Loki said yes. The virus only worked too well and kept the All-Father running, Thor in turn, got sent through the Nine Realms again to learn. Loki was on Asgard, keeping the Council happy that at least _one_ of the Princes was still active and available. Tony often joined Loki on his realm, became better friends with Frigga and the horses. His mind was –

Better.

And Tony finally finished BARF and started the treatment. Before, he’d taken the medication his therapist had prescribed to him, and they _had_ helped to some degree. But BARF? Tony still patted himself on the shoulder. He finally stopped having blackouts as he slowly but meticulously worked through his memories and kept hijacking his hippocampus. Neurobiology hadn’t been his strong suit before but – this was why some people pulled all-nighters. To read, learn, and understand. One day he’d master Thermonuclear Astrophysics like that and annoy someone with it. 

The Avengers Initiative was still there. Loki was an honorary member by being with _Iron Man,_ Thor a fully acknowledged one. Fury only loved Thor, because apparently, he was easier to get along with. Not that Tony agreed, but not his problem. Somehow, Thor had found Jane. Tony wasn’t sure how it had happened, but they met, and became friends. And if Tony interpreted the lingering glances correctly, then it wouldn’t stay only that.

His fear that the loop would reset dwindled over the year. He saw snow fall. Small white spots that danced in the air, a cold breeze around his nose. He was dressing in winter clothes, and had to remind himself _not_ to snap at everyone who didn’t do as he wanted. Or was overly rude to him. 

On a bad day - because _yes,_ Tony still had those - Loki had to stop him from reaching for a weapon. Just because he was having a bad day did that not mean he could _restart_ everything. Not anymore, not when he was so close to breaking out.

There were fireworks in the air for New Year’s Eve, a bright lit sky above him, Loki at his side. Clinking glasses of champagne together, to celebrate the continuum of time. Tony held his breath as he waited for midnight to pass. He had this ridiculous feeling that when midnight was over – that when he had managed it into the _next year_ , that everything was going to be all right. 

Loki pulled him into a kiss when the New Year started. His lips tasted of Asgard’s mead and Tony kept kissing him until he was out of breath. Then he kissed Loki again, his hands buried in soft black hair and stood on his toes to gain better leverage - and he felt snowflakes dance on his skin where they melted and mixed with his own tears. 

”Ek elska þig, ” he whispered. He tasted winter. 

“I love you too,” Loki replied quietly. 

And that? That was the best news Tony heard. It didn’t come as a surprise - he knew of Loki’s feelings for him but - hearing it was something else. 

When the date Ragnarök should have happened passed, the weight of a thousand years fell from Tony’s shoulders. He curled up on Loki’s chest, crying tears of relief that it was over –

That he was _free._

That he only needed to be Tony Stark, Iron Man, from now on. The partner of Loki. 

Not Tony Stark, the single saviour of worlds.

Not any longer. 

That pressure was … gone. 

Eir insisted on checking Tony’s energy. To see if all energy and connection to Yggdrasil was truly gone.

It was.

Seeing it floating right in front of him, Tony felt his eyes water.

Tears only started to flow again when Loki kidnapped him away, to a different part of Asgard where they were on their own, a knee on the green ground, in one hand a golden apple. A question if he wished – to stay with Loki for the rest of their time.

“You know,” Tony said softly as he broke free of their kiss, mingled by shared tears. “The loops were kinda cool.”

Loki groaned, but there was laughter in his eyes. Joy.

“Cool as in ‘let’s never fucking do it again’.” Tony chuckled as he entwined his fingers with Loki’s. “Okay?” For a moment he got lost in Loki’s eyes. “Hey Lokes?” He put their hands on his temple. “Do you feel like taking a look?” 

Curiosity played over Loki’s face. “What do you want me to see?” 

“Plans for our future.” Tony cleared his throat. “I’m not good with words and I– don’t want to ruin this. Please?” 

Loki nodded and then, Tony felt a gentle nudge against his mind. It was easier for Tony to show than to talk about what he felt. Not that Loki minded a waterfall of rambling usually. 

But this was not an usual occurrence either and Tony Stark had always done things the extraordinary way and talking was for everyone. Also it was kind of funny that this time Tony wanted to show Loki their _future_ , not their past. He closed his eyes with a grin; pictured the warm fuzzy feeling inside of his body so that Loki could see it.

The feeling that Tony had every morning when he woke up, Loki already watching him through sleepy eyes and with a tired smile, when they sat together in their workshop and tinkered, or simply when they sat in the kitchen together at horrendous hours and enjoyed their drinks.

It was perfect, to Tony. Perfect since the first drink he’d shared with Loki. But – this was different. After all, they now had eternity to plan it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> félagi mín = my friend  
> sváss mín = my beloved  
> eldhusfífl = idiot  
> farar = traveller  
> Anthony, sváss mín. Láta þik kyssa = Anthony, my beloved. Let me kiss you
> 
> Hi, work killed me. If anyone else is going to yell at me within the next 24Hours+, I'm going to eat someone and I won't bother with cutlery because I'm in the mood for it 🙌
> 
> Big Thanks to **NamelesslyNightlock** who made this and the last chapter look pretty under the biggest efforts, and **SalamanderInk** who read this chapter over as well and helped with the ending ❤️❤️
> 
> Uh. It's late. Like. Really late late late for me, like almost 5am late. My neighbour is watching TV so loud that I can hear it through closed windows and it's just doing _wonders_ for me tonight 👌
> 
> Tl;dr I hope you all enjoyed this ride! Loved hearing your theories 👀 On that note big kudos to **wnnbdarklord** who casually guessed the plot 😆😆😆 
> 
> See y'all maybe soon again on another fic 👀❤️


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